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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

name we have decided on is also name of someone in family who died - do I need to tell their parents first?

192 replies

Comingroundthemountain · 04/10/2015 23:01

So we have decided a boys name if our baby is a boy. It is the name of a not first cousin I had (I think we share a great grandparent) who died last year unexpectedly in a car crash. I didn't really know this cousin - I met him maybe half a dozen times at weddings and funerals etc. It isn't an uncommon name - top 20 at moment. It is the name dh and I both like and we wouldn't be naming them after this cousin.

But, I am Facebook friends with the mum of the cousin who died and she clearly is deep in grief, She posts about him every day putting pics of him up frequently and an aunt who is close to her says she is not coping very well.

We have pretty much decided this is the name we will use. But I don't want the cousin's mum to feel awful when we announce it to everyone in due course, if we have a boy. I don't really have a relationship with her beyond being Facebook friends - and don't even have her phone number. Do you think I should somehow let her know after the baby is born before announcing to everyone - perhaps asking the aunt who is close to her to let her know first? Is it awfully insensitive to use the name at all? I don't want to tell them in advance because a) we may not even have a boy and b) I am not asking their permission.

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wonkywheel · 05/10/2015 07:30

Also have to add my name to the 'don't use it' list. OP - are you only thinking that the duplicate name won't matter because you don't see them much? Don't forget how much new babies in a family get talked about - she's going to hear so much of 'William's gorgeous' 'William spoke to me today!' 'William started walking, amazing!' and she's going to think of her own child for a second before reality hits and it's going to be awful every time. Please look for a new name.

SoDiana · 05/10/2015 07:31

Would you take his grave as quick?

ButtonMoon88 · 05/10/2015 07:43

Yea I'm sorry to say I don't think you should use it at all, and the fact that you are a distant relative means you should use it even less in my mind, if anyone I going to use that name it should be the deceased boys siblings (if he has any).

I would find out sex, even if you didn't plan too, and then either pick a new name if it's a boy, but secretly hope it's a girl!!

If for some reason you are not going to budge then you need to without a doubt tell the mom now that you are think of using her dead sons name, and if she is mortified you really need to reconsider. Don't be selfish

definiteissues · 05/10/2015 07:47

Adding my name to the please do not do this list.
Please don't be so insensitive and cruel.

Every time she saw a post about your baby it would hurt. Every time someone mentioned your baby it would hurt. Every time she saw you at a family event it would hurt. Do you want to do that to another person? Do you want to add to someone's grief and pain?
There are millions of names. You will find another you agree on.

But from the fact it sounds like you wont change your mind I sincerely hope you have a girl.

Queenbean · 05/10/2015 07:48

Don't use the name

MythicalKings · 05/10/2015 07:51

It would be very cruel to use it.

And the rest of your family will probably think so as well.

Limer · 05/10/2015 07:52

Please choose another name.

Had similar issue in my own family, but when my baby boys were born I already knew which name I couldn't use (my cousin who died as a teenager).

Arsicles · 05/10/2015 07:53

Agree with PPs, please don't use it. Not often MNet is unanimous! If you won't ditch the name out of consideration for his mum, then do it for your own sake, as everyone in your family will think badly of you if you use it.

AlmaMartyr · 05/10/2015 08:02

Sorry, I'd agree with everyone else. Don't use the name. Terribly insensitive.

ButtonMoon88 · 05/10/2015 08:05

You are probably thinking that she no rights to the name, or that you won't see her often, or that your son will be a completely different child so it's ok, but in the eyes of a grieving mother it won't be ok. I really hope you reconsider because this will cause so much unnecessary heartache

winkywinkola · 05/10/2015 08:05

Don't add to the woman's pain.

I can't imagine why you would would to clarify stab in the heart further by saying it's not in honour of the dead cousin.

Unbelievable.

HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 08:14

Don't even consider it! Why have you even got to ask? Of course you can't use this name. Ridiculous question

Roussette · 05/10/2015 08:16

I can't believe that of all the squillions of names out there, this is the only one that you and your DH like?

It sounds as if your mind is made up. I lost someone close to me tragically, it would have been awful to hear the name of this person (fairly unusual) used by another member of our family.

This is your family even if it is a cousin, just choose another name but something tells me from the tone of your post, you won't come back on here and you will use the name whatever anyone on here says.

notapizzaeater · 05/10/2015 08:20

Another adding to the don't use the name, if you really must then add it as a middle name.

MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff · 05/10/2015 08:22

Someone we know (well enough, been to the same schools, weddings, gatherings and live in the same village) called their baby the same name as my DS's three months after he died. My son was a baby too so the age gap would have been small. It still hurts.

If a relative had done this it would have been far worse. Don't do it.

madmotherof2 · 05/10/2015 08:24

Please don't use the name.

I really hope you have a girl, and when you are a Mummy to will look back and put yourself into that poor woman's shoes.

RIP to your cousin

Northernlurker · 05/10/2015 08:28

Don't be so selfish OP. You cannot add to this poor woman's grief by subjecting her to a life (on facebook etc) of 'X did so and so' with her always knowing that actually it was quite handy for you that her son died because it meant you could use his name NOT in tribute but because you 'just like it'. Find another name and get some empathy along with it.

BoldFox · 05/10/2015 08:29

I agree with the others, it's not that the boy who died is your third cousin that's the issue, his mother is known well enough to you that you have her on your facebook. You will be more than just an acquaintance to her, because there is a family connection I think she woudl be expecting you to be more aware of her pain, iyswim

patienceisvirtuous · 05/10/2015 08:43

Don't add to her stress by putting this question on her

You have made yourself sound callous OP "it is not in honour of dead relative", "we will use the name anyway".

Do what you like but have a think about yourself!

christinarossetti · 05/10/2015 08:52

You say in your OP that you know that the mum is in deep grief.

Yet don't consider it a problem using the name of her dead child.

Can't really put these two POVs together tbh.

YakTriangle · 05/10/2015 09:16

If more time had passed maybe you'd be able to very sensitively ask if she would feel okay about using his name. However since it's so recent and you know she's still so grief stricken, I think you really need to look again and choose another name. Your desire to use a name when it's not even in tribute to your relative doesn't trump her grief.

BertrandRussell · 05/10/2015 09:23

This has to be a reverse, surely? Nobody could be that insensitive.

SoftBlocks · 05/10/2015 09:28

Don't use the name.

Allstoppedup · 05/10/2015 09:29

I'm currently 40 weeks pregnant and we still don't have a name we both agree on. I know how frustrating it can be to struggle with a name and would love to find the 'one'.

That said, even IF my OH and I had agreed on one name - in this situation I would have to go back to the drawing board. As difficult as picking a name you love for your child may be it's just not even in the same emotional league as what your Aunt is going through.

I can't imagine her grief and cannot think of a single sensitive way you could approach someone in this situation and announce your plans, particularly as you don't know if you will even have a boy.

As EVERYONE else has said, please, please employ a little empathy and reconsider.

Being pregnant IS all consuming and it can be hard to think outside of your own 'baby bubble' but in this instance it would absolutely be the wrong thing to do.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/10/2015 09:35

Oh op please don't use it.

It may not be just the poor grieving mother you upset. What about all the other members of your family (aunts, cousins, great uncles) who are closer relatives of the deceased person who will either be upset or think you are completely out of order to use that name?

Why work you want to cast that kind of family upset over what should be a happy time for the whole family.

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