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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

name we have decided on is also name of someone in family who died - do I need to tell their parents first?

192 replies

Comingroundthemountain · 04/10/2015 23:01

So we have decided a boys name if our baby is a boy. It is the name of a not first cousin I had (I think we share a great grandparent) who died last year unexpectedly in a car crash. I didn't really know this cousin - I met him maybe half a dozen times at weddings and funerals etc. It isn't an uncommon name - top 20 at moment. It is the name dh and I both like and we wouldn't be naming them after this cousin.

But, I am Facebook friends with the mum of the cousin who died and she clearly is deep in grief, She posts about him every day putting pics of him up frequently and an aunt who is close to her says she is not coping very well.

We have pretty much decided this is the name we will use. But I don't want the cousin's mum to feel awful when we announce it to everyone in due course, if we have a boy. I don't really have a relationship with her beyond being Facebook friends - and don't even have her phone number. Do you think I should somehow let her know after the baby is born before announcing to everyone - perhaps asking the aunt who is close to her to let her know first? Is it awfully insensitive to use the name at all? I don't want to tell them in advance because a) we may not even have a boy and b) I am not asking their permission.

OP posts:

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HackerFucker22 · 05/10/2015 14:52

Use the name but leave FB. Sorted!!!

Original poster

Comingroundthemountain · 05/10/2015 15:02

No - am not equating bullying with disagreeing. But if you go back and read the threads there is name calling and judgement rather than discussion and opinion. Anyhow, thanks again all for your input.

OP posts:

TeaPleaseLouise · 05/10/2015 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Knockmesideways · 05/10/2015 15:05

OP look at this another way if you feel people are getting at you (which I don't think they are - they are being honest). Your DC's name will never be their own within your family. It will always be the same as the cousin who died. There will always be comparisons.

Just think, it's a few years down the line at a family party or something and your DC is told the other person with that name was so great at football (when they are not) or so outgoing (when they are not) etc. How will they feel? Especially when they realise the original owner of the name died just before they were born and you had a choice. I'd be pretty miffed if my parents did that to me. Quite apart from how the other poor members of the family will feel when they hear the name.

We tend to build up a wonderful picture of those who have died, it's part of the grief. My dad was a saint for about 10 years after he died. It's only now that we look back and see the man - faults and all and still realise how much he meant to us.

But that's a tough image to live up to if you have the same name.

It's very different if the two had shared the name for a few years before the cousin tragically died. The personalities of both have become known in the family.

Your cousin will be a very hard act for your child to follow - whether they are named in memory of them or not. I wouldn't inflict that on a child. Honestly.

PontyGirl · 05/10/2015 15:20

OP I really hope you've changed your mind.

BertrandRussell · 05/10/2015 15:27

Actually I think there has been very little name calling and judgement, considering what an awful thing you still seem set on doing.........

lljkk · 05/10/2015 15:34

Gosh, I would still use the name, yanbu at all. The child of my dad's 2nd cousin who I barely knew? A name in the top 20? I have 30 first cousins & my parents must have like 50 second cousins. So That type of thing describes half of my distant family. Meh. I only know any of my 3rd cousins because we both do family history.

I would ask a relative much closer to them to let them know because I think it should come from someone who can be emotionally supportive, ideally, but no way do they have power of veto.

You could just quietly unfriend them on FB now so they don't have to see something that they might be oversensitive about.

ButtonMoon88 · 05/10/2015 16:10

What would be the upsetting thing to me would be that the death came suddenly to a young person, it won't just be the young boys mom that will be upset but other family members who will be closer to her also. I only have a small family so perhaps that's also affecting my judgement, but overall I think it's far too soon for the family, especially as you aren't close and you aren't doing it in tribute.
That's not me being judgemental, purely offering an opinion which you asked for.

Roussette · 05/10/2015 16:12

So the mother in question is told via someone else that the name of her recently deceased son is going to be used by a cousin, and oh dear while she's at it, she's defriending you on FB. That's gonna make her feel great!

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 05/10/2015 16:13

why on earth would you, when the mum is 'clearly deeply in grief'?
Just grossly insensitive and kind of rubbing salt into a wound, IMO.

Roussette · 05/10/2015 16:14

Sometimes in life, OP, the timing for things just is not right. The timing is NOT right for you to use this name - a few years down the line might have been different, but while the Mum is raw with grief - No.

Shutthatdoor · 05/10/2015 16:52

Asked a question looking for responses meaning I am open to knowing what you think, and you all responded a way I didn't expect and I came back and said that, keeping the discussion going. There really is no need to round on me in what is a pretty bullying way - express your opinion, yes, I asked for that, but stop the e-shouting already.

You actually came back and said you would still use the name even after what 99% of people said, which is your parogative, but be prepared for any family fallout.

People disagreeing with you and you not liking people foing this is NOT bullying

Funinthesun15 · 05/10/2015 16:56

No - am not equating bullying with disagreeing. But if you go back and read the threads there is name calling and judgement rather than discussion and opinion.

I disagree. I actually think people have been quite measured. I think the fact that it wasn't the answers you were expecting you are seeing it as 'judgemental'.

It really, really hasn't been bullying.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 05/10/2015 16:59

You could just quietly unfriend them on FB now so they don't have to see something that they might be oversensitive about

Of course they are going to be 'oversensitive'. The family members DC has recently died!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 05/10/2015 19:04

Mumsnet can be really mean and unpleasant at times. I find it shows a repulsive side of humanity on occasion.

This thread, however, is not one of those times. There has been sustained and unanimous rejection of your plan (excepting one single post). This is not bullying. This is disagreement. And quite frankly surprise!

It is very surprising that you have decided that your desire to have a name for yourself is more important than a family's grief and desperate mourning for the loss of their son. It's also surprising that you don't think anyone should have an issue about your priorities. But I suppose in that context it isn't surprising that you are now justifying ignoring anything anybody says by deciding it's all mean and bullying. That isn't surprising at all.

No ones called names, hunted and chivvied you, no one that I've read has pursued their point in a deliberately hurtful way. But neither has mumsnet given you the royal stamp of approval, and it appears that's what the issue is. And nothing you've said since the first OP has given the impression you care about anyone or anything other than wanting people to agree with you.

Toughasoldboots · 05/10/2015 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmugairleRoin · 05/10/2015 19:23

People have been very rational and calm with you OP, there's no e-shouting going on.
Do not use the name. Do not, do not, do not. I hope you are listening to the feedback on here as people have shared very personal stories to try and get you to see the problem with this.
I'm normally firmly in the "no one owns a name" camp but why you'd do this and knowingly inflict pain on someone is beyond me.

Northernlurker · 05/10/2015 19:23

I'm sure the OP is very disappointed she didn't get any validation for her idea from this thread. Probably best for her to dwell on WHY that is rather than complaining that people have disagreed with her.

MyBoysAreFab · 05/10/2015 19:34

Another one saying don't use the name.

Perhaps the lovely MNers could help you come up with an alternative name that you like, if you can give us an idea of the sort of name you want to go for.

MythicalKings · 05/10/2015 19:35

I think you'll find the reaction on here has been very polite and mild compared to how the family will feel.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 05/10/2015 19:37

Listen OP, even if you personally do not care about adding to a bereaved parent's grief.

If you use this name, everyone in your extended family will think quite a lot less of you. It may even extend to how they view and celebrate your child.

Adarajames · 05/10/2015 19:48

I'm with the other odd one out poster, it's a top 20 name, you're not close family, only 2nd or 3rd cousins, I wouldn't see it as cruel / thoughtless etc to use the name.

bluewisteria · 05/10/2015 19:51

My cousin died aged 10, another cousin was born 6 months after her death (different parents), and they chose a name for the newborn that started with the same letter as the dead child, not even the same name. It is still a bone of contention 24 years later amongst extended family.

It's one thing to name a child after a dead aunt/uncle/great grandparent, but another to name them after a dead child. It is just tragic, can't be honoured in the same way that an elderly relative who had a long life can be. Even as a middle name as a tribute would be pushing it. But as a first name and not in tribute with parents still in deep mourning just isn't right.

I understand you feel pretty bad now due to the things people have written, but to be honest the reaction you (and your lovely new child) are going to get will be so much worse. Sorry, but it will. Imagine how awful it would be at a time that is supposed to be happy and joyful for everyone. One of your parents might fight with their sibling/cousin about it and cause rifts etc. It a name really worth that? I can't believe it would be worth risking the love and respect of some people in your family.

shabbs · 05/10/2015 19:56

Two of my four sons have died. Both boys died many years ago but the heartbreak of losing them will last a lifetime.

Sometimes I will be shopping and will hear someone talking to their child....when they say the childs name and its the same as one of my boys I always have to look at that child to check its not my boy. Having written that down it sounds like I am a 'basket case.' Im not by the way.....just a bereaved Mum. I always hope its one of my boys because their deaths were heartbreakingly devastating.

Please have a re-think about the name. x

bluewisteria · 05/10/2015 19:59

Oh, Shabbs, you're not a basket case at all.

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