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Original poster

name we have decided on is also name of someone in family who died - do I need to tell their parents first?

192 replies

Comingroundthemountain · 04/10/2015 23:01

So we have decided a boys name if our baby is a boy. It is the name of a not first cousin I had (I think we share a great grandparent) who died last year unexpectedly in a car crash. I didn't really know this cousin - I met him maybe half a dozen times at weddings and funerals etc. It isn't an uncommon name - top 20 at moment. It is the name dh and I both like and we wouldn't be naming them after this cousin.

But, I am Facebook friends with the mum of the cousin who died and she clearly is deep in grief, She posts about him every day putting pics of him up frequently and an aunt who is close to her says she is not coping very well.

We have pretty much decided this is the name we will use. But I don't want the cousin's mum to feel awful when we announce it to everyone in due course, if we have a boy. I don't really have a relationship with her beyond being Facebook friends - and don't even have her phone number. Do you think I should somehow let her know after the baby is born before announcing to everyone - perhaps asking the aunt who is close to her to let her know first? Is it awfully insensitive to use the name at all? I don't want to tell them in advance because a) we may not even have a boy and b) I am not asking their permission.

OP posts:
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ICantFindAFreeNickName2 · 05/10/2015 20:04

I'm also with the other odd one out poster, although I do think it might depend on how old the cousin who died was. If they were still a child, I would probably not use it. If they were an adult I think it would be OK, although I would probably wimp out and say it was in memory of the person who died.
The fact that I come from a very large family might be the reason I think it's OK. I probably don't know the names of most of my 15 first cousins children, let alone even more distant cousins.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/10/2015 20:06

I'm surprised that you've been so put out by the responses on this thread. They've all been very measured. Nobody has been hysterical or cruel to you, they've simply said what they think about the idea.

But the fact is, it's been a unanimous response, and it's that that feels like 'bullying' to you - person after person coming on to say the same thing. Which surely must tell you something.

If you're unhappy with the response you've had here in the space of less than 24 hours, it might be helpful to view it as a bit of an insight in the far more prolonged response you'll get in real life.

Putting aside the bereaved mother's child for a moment... Maybe it will resonate with you more if you consider the impact of this on your own new baby, and the way he (assuming it's a he) is welcomed and received into the world, and into your family.

This time could be irrevocably marred, which can't fill you with happiness at what should be a joyful time.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/10/2015 20:08

But FreeNickName - you probably would remember the name of any who had died as children.

PontyGirl · 05/10/2015 20:11

Oh shabbs - I'm so sorry for the loss of your two boys. Unimaginable. Your post was very moving. Flowers

Idefix · 05/10/2015 20:27

I would say that there is no easy way to break this news of your choice of name to this grieving relative.

Really if you are set on this name you and dh may have to tough out some awkwardness amongst your family members. Such as, oh you called him Henry, like cousin x Henry or oh that what cousin x son was called.

In your shoes I would choose another name.

Original poster
Comingroundthemountain · 05/10/2015 21:03

Just coming on to clarify one thing. It is not a dead child. The cousin died in their 30s. The mother is mourning their child, who was an adult.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 05/10/2015 21:06

It makes no difference. Your child is your child, young or grown. The pain of losing them doesn't lessen.

Never mind. I've got the impression it doesn't really matter to you anyway.

BertrandRussell · 05/10/2015 21:10

"Just coming on to clarify one thing. It is not a dead child. The cousin died in their 30s. The mother is mourning their child, who was an adult."

And that makes a difference precisely how?

Please OP, don't do this. It is a truly awful thing to do. The birth of your ne baby is going to cause such pain - you don't want that, surely?

SmugairleRoin · 05/10/2015 21:20

Jesus Christ op, that's so unfeeling. They might have been an adult but will always be that mothers baby.

definiteissues · 05/10/2015 21:23

Oh well that's OK then. Never mind her grief, he was an adult so she needs to just get over it doesn't she Hmm

If this is real, you really are a piece of work.

GloriaHotcakes · 05/10/2015 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ComingRoundTheMountain · 05/10/2015 21:32

I'm answering the question of the poster asking me how old they were ffs. Flamed if you answer questions, flamed if you don't.

OP posts:
definiteissues · 05/10/2015 21:44

No you are not being flamed because you answered a question.
You are receiving comments due to the callous way you answered the question and your cold attitude through the entire thread.

Queenbean · 05/10/2015 21:46

My god.

May you never experience the pain and hurt of losing a child, and be further hurt by a family member being an utter dick about it

winkywinkola · 05/10/2015 21:49

Easy. That's a bit harsh.

SoupDragon · 05/10/2015 21:59

You need to choose a different name.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 05/10/2015 21:59

It makes no difference. How old your cousin was. Their mother suffered the most horrendous tragic unimaginable bereavement you could possibly think of. Whether he was 8 or 38. It was still her baby. Sorry but I think you're being very insensitive.

Forestdreams · 05/10/2015 22:00

OP, I appreciate you were responding to that one poster but you have 6 pages of people saying don't do it, irrespective of the age of your deceased relative. Can't you see why people might get narked that you are responding to the one poster who said it might be ok if the person was an an adult, rather than acknowledging the many other replies who are not saying that?

FWIW I don't think their age matters. The mother is obviously struggling with grief. They say the death of a child is one of the worst bereavements, and I'm sure the pain does not lessen just because your loved one turns 21. Are you planning to love your children less when they're older?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 05/10/2015 22:01

Love to you Shabbs. So sorry for your heartbreaking loss.
XFlowers

AyeAmarok · 05/10/2015 22:02

Of course people are being judgemental, you're asking about doing a really, truly, horrible and terribly vile and selfish thing.

Do you really think people should just be saying "go right ahead, break the poor woman a little bit more".

If you do this, everyone in your family will think you are horrible.

Every time you're at a family event and have to say his name, people will recoil a bit.

You will NEVER be comfortable telling people his name.

You family will think "awww he's such a lovely boy, but I wish she hadn't used that name".

You HAVE to rethink this. Just don't be that person. Worse, don't make your son live with that life sentence.

AyeAmarok · 05/10/2015 22:04

Also, not what you asked, but I'd be far too worried about karma to do something like that...

Just don't do it, OP.

JollyGolightly · 05/10/2015 22:04

My brother died in his 20s, a few years ago. He had a fairly common name, not top 20 but everyone will know someone with his name. I'd have no objection to anyone in the family using it for their child, nor would my parents. It's a nice name and we'd be touched.

To read these responses you'd think that nobody should name their child after a dead person, ever. The supply of available names would be exhausted fairly rapidly if that were the case.
It would be kind to talk to his mother in advance of any announcement. If Facebook is the only way of contacting her then you could send her a message. I'd avoid saying you are not choosing it to honour her son, however. That'd be crass.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 05/10/2015 22:10

OP please choose another name.

No parent should have to bury their child - and a young man dying in his 30s is a terrible loss.

Please show some compassion.

DancingDinosaur · 05/10/2015 22:10

I'm not sure. I think I'd ask or get someone to ask first. But don't use it if she's not ok with it. I don't know how I would feel, I think part of me would like it, but as I am fortunate enough not to have lost a child then its hard to say how it would really feel.

DancingDinosaur · 05/10/2015 22:15

Aww, just rtft. I'm so sorry Shabbs. I'd probably go with that then op and not use the name. Theres lots of lovely names out there and if it saves someone a bit of heart ache then thats the right thing to do.