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Original poster

name we have decided on is also name of someone in family who died - do I need to tell their parents first?

192 replies

Comingroundthemountain · 04/10/2015 23:01

So we have decided a boys name if our baby is a boy. It is the name of a not first cousin I had (I think we share a great grandparent) who died last year unexpectedly in a car crash. I didn't really know this cousin - I met him maybe half a dozen times at weddings and funerals etc. It isn't an uncommon name - top 20 at moment. It is the name dh and I both like and we wouldn't be naming them after this cousin.

But, I am Facebook friends with the mum of the cousin who died and she clearly is deep in grief, She posts about him every day putting pics of him up frequently and an aunt who is close to her says she is not coping very well.

We have pretty much decided this is the name we will use. But I don't want the cousin's mum to feel awful when we announce it to everyone in due course, if we have a boy. I don't really have a relationship with her beyond being Facebook friends - and don't even have her phone number. Do you think I should somehow let her know after the baby is born before announcing to everyone - perhaps asking the aunt who is close to her to let her know first? Is it awfully insensitive to use the name at all? I don't want to tell them in advance because a) we may not even have a boy and b) I am not asking their permission.

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SushiAndTheBanshees · 05/10/2015 04:32

You sound incredibly callous, which you probably aren't given you're clearly sensitive to the issue, enough to ask the question at least.

I don't think you need to find out gender if you don't want to. But there is no way the grieving mother won't think "of all the names in the world, they had to pick my son's?? She knew him, met him on numerous occasions before he died, and now this?".

I'm assuming this is your first DC. Just don't do it, you will understand why soon enough. Pick another name, however hard you need to think to find one. Spare the poor woman.

spatchcock · 05/10/2015 04:49

Goodness. Please use another name. In a couple years you'll have forgotten all about the original name.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/10/2015 05:34

Gosh, I really hope you have a girl.

kinkytoes · 05/10/2015 05:41

What if she's not ok with it? Will you still go ahead?

MrsCampbellBlack · 05/10/2015 05:43

I wouldn't use the name - put yourself in the position of the grieving mother. Gosh, I am actually really surprised that you would even consider using that name.

There are millions of names out there - choose another one.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 05/10/2015 05:44

absolutely unbelievable! Your poor aunt Sad

as others have said, let's hope it's a girl so you don't have to put her through this . He only died last year for goodness sake, before his time with no warning whatsoever, where is your compassion?! Sad

sofato5miles · 05/10/2015 05:49

It's not that distant a relationship.if you are friends on FB and you also have insight that she is truly devastated and is in the depths of her grief.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/10/2015 06:04

You asked in your OP if it would be 'really insensitive'.

People are telling you it would be.

Blueturquoise · 05/10/2015 06:10

I really hate when people post for advice and get unanimous opinion yet argue against it.
It s highly likely you using the name will cause upset and hurt to the grieving family. Nearly everyone has said please don't use the name.

If you ask, think too how difficult may be for said aunt to say 'no'
It s going to be an unexpected question out of the blue from a tenuous contact .... At a time when you suspect she is still clearly deep in in grief and very vulnerable.

Dh s db lost his son 5 Years ago, the sheer force of loss turmoil grief is unimaginable. I just wouldn't do it to them if I were you.

rainbowstardrops · 05/10/2015 06:18

I'd definitely say don't use the name. Certainly without testing the water with the relative first - either directly or indirectly.
I think that you and dh need to go back to the baby names book. Sorry.

AwfulBeryl · 05/10/2015 06:20

I agree with others, please don't use the name.

I usually am in the no one owns a name camp, but this is so different.

SanityClause · 05/10/2015 06:26

Okay, imagine this.

Tomorrow you lose your baby.

Next month, your friend announces she is pregnant, and confides in you that the only name she and her DH agree on is The Name.

How do you feel?

Believe me, your relation would feel so much worse than that.

There are thousands of lovely names. Choose a different one.

toastyarmadillo · 05/10/2015 06:30

Another vote for no don't use the name, it's unbelievably insensitive to be honest. I appreciate you have set your heart on this particular name but I think under the circumstances I would chose another name. Sorry

DontWorryBaby · 05/10/2015 06:35

Don't use that name. Please listen to the responses given above. If we all think it'd be a cruel, thoughtless and insensitive thing to do, so would your real life family and friends.

MrsCampbellBlack · 05/10/2015 06:45

Have you mentioned using the name to anyone in RL because if not do so and watch their reactions.

Dumdedumdedum · 05/10/2015 06:49

I am the 39th different person to reply asking you to please, go back to the baby name books.

QOD · 05/10/2015 06:51

I used my dad's cousins deceased babies name as a middle name. Difference is, she'd been dead for 15 yrs, it was a second name and i named her after the child specifically (social media wasn't relavent back then)

PontyGirl · 05/10/2015 06:53

OP, from experience of knowing someone who did this, just don't.

A good friend died in extremely sudden and very sad circumstances (it was in the papers, a big deal as she was young) and a few years later her cousin had a baby and used the name. Not in memory of her, just used the name. It was absolutely awful. I still feel that it was a completely horrible thing to do.

I know you like the name, but I really do think it's off bounds. You will find another you like, if you are willing to look.

ulasesra · 05/10/2015 06:55

it seems you are relatives, but not related in fact... you don't care about that person, you don't even know her, right? so you think why you had to chose another name for your baby... she's just another one who chose the name, i understand. but then why you are friends on facebook? delete her from you fb, end all your relationship first. If that's ok with you, then chose the name you want...

still, i wish you have a baby girl :)

Lovelydiscusfish · 05/10/2015 07:00

Don't use the name. You're risking hurting someone for no reason.

SeasonalVag · 05/10/2015 07:01

You're unbelievably sensitive to even consider this, OP!

YouBastardSockBalls · 05/10/2015 07:06

How selfish.

Surely no one would actually think this is ok?

Mehitabel6 · 05/10/2015 07:10

Could you use it as a second name but ask her first?

I think it would be insensitive to use it as a first name without a discussion first. If you did have the discussion she might like having her DS remembered. However you need the discussion.

I think that I woukd just choose a different name.

Orange1969 · 05/10/2015 07:20

You sound so insensitive!

The poor lady is grieving and yet you don't seem to care that your choice of name may make her suffering worse...

Littleyellowboo · 05/10/2015 07:23

Just use a different name OP there's literally no need for you to only choose that name other than stubbornness.

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