name we have decided on is also name of someone in family who died - do I need to tell their parents first?

[Comingroundthemountain]

So we have decided a boys name if our baby is a boy. It is the name of a not first cousin I had (I think we share a great grandparent) who died last year unexpectedly in a car crash. I didn't really know this cousin - I met him maybe half a dozen times at weddings and funerals etc. It isn't an uncommon name - top 20 at moment. It is the name dh and I both like and we wouldn't be naming them after this cousin.

But, I am Facebook friends with the mum of the cousin who died and she clearly is deep in grief, She posts about him every day putting pics of him up frequently and an aunt who is close to her says she is not coping very well.

We have pretty much decided this is the name we will use. But I don't want the cousin's mum to feel awful when we announce it to everyone in due course, if we have a boy. I don't really have a relationship with her beyond being Facebook friends - and don't even have her phone number. Do you think I should somehow let her know after the baby is born before announcing to everyone - perhaps asking the aunt who is close to her to let her know first? Is it awfully insensitive to use the name at all? I don't want to tell them in advance because a) we may not even have a boy and b) I am not asking their permission.

Adding my voice, don't burden your child with this name, if you can't think of the bereaved mother's feelings at least think about how it will affect you and your child.

"I don't think there is a name in the world worth further upsetting a bereaved parent" - this.

Bloody hell OP! You really don't get it do you? My family lost my uncle. He was 19. My mum, my aunt, my grandmother mourn him still and that was over 40 years ago. My cousin carries his name as a middle name as a tribute and I told my grandmother that I would do the same if I had a boy. When we were planning their golden wedding anniversary dinner, 30 years after he died, they cried over him. When I was born they were shocked because I look like him. It never ever goes away. IT NEVER GOES AWAY. You just need to deal with that. You have been told repeatedly why this is not a good idea, not a kind or reasonable thing to do. Just don't do it and stop trying to justify yourself.

I've read the whole thread, and I don't see any name calling, e-shouting or bullying tbh.

I do hope that you see sense at some point OP.

Or have a girl.

If it was me, I would ask the mother if she would mind. If she minded, I would pick another name.

I don't think that OP understands that if your child is an adult when they die they are 'still your baby' and it isn't something that you just get over.
It doesn't matter whether they are 33yrs or 3 yrs.
There are literally hundreds of names to choose from so there is no need to fixate on one.
You could ask her, but the majority opinion on here is to choose another name- I would go with the majority.
You did ask the question - you just don't happen to like the answer!

Hey Shabbs.

How are you?

OP

Don't do it.

"If it was me, I would ask the mother if she would mind. If she minded, I would pick another name."

Wow. So your own wish to use a particular name is so important that you would risk upsetting a grieving parent by asking. Some people do take self absorption to a whole new level!

And if you did ask, the poor woman's would have to say it's fine because that's what you do................

The OP still hasn't answered my question from page 2 where I asked if she'd go ahead even if the mother objected.

From her attitude I'd hazard a guess that she would, you know.

I feel sorry for the DC if he is burdened with this name. Family members are sure to comment as he grows up.

Shabbs

I lost my younger brother. He was a teenager. The age of the deceased makes no difference in this instance; as someone up thread said, if an even distant relative was to use his name now it would hurt me so much. After nearly 16 years, hearing his name still pains me.

Op, you haven't been bullied on this thread. I wouldn't even call it a flaming. It's just a unanimous suggestion that you are absolutely not doing the right thing here.

To read these responses you'd think that nobody should name their child after a dead person, ever.

No, that's not what the responses imply at all. This is a family member whose son died only a year ago. it's not anything like the same as just using the name of some random people who have died.

One of my children has a middle name in honour of XHs best friend who died as a young adult. The difference between this kind of situation and the OPs is that it is in honour of the friend and it is a middle name which is not in constant use. I imagine it was still bitter-sweet for his mother.

It's a really long thread already but the facts aren't clear cut.

If you barely know this person or their mother, why are you on facebook with her?
Do you have mutual familyfriends who would tell her about your baby, or not? ie, if you left FB or stopped having her as a 'friend' would she even notice or know?

If the name is very common, do you have your own good reasons for wanting to use it?

Often I see it in pregnant people that they become slightly fixated on a name that they know will be awkward in some way - it seems like aun conscious power struggle, as if their brain is rebelling and saying 'I can name MY child anything I like' and actually, if they were not PG it might be the last name they would normally think of using.

It's a strange phenomenon.

Once we know the answers to these questions we might be in a better position to advise. But as usual people are projecting what they think the situation is on to the thread to enable them to have a good old rant.

To read these responses you'd think that nobody should name their child after a dead person, ever.

Disengenuity at its best.

You can't ask a grieving mother if you can reuse her dead child's name for your own.

There are basically infinite possibilities for names you could call your child.

If picking this name means you have to consider contacting a recently bereaved woman about what to call your new baby, that's a hint that maybe one of the other millions of names in the world might be a better choice.

Oh, and if you share a great grandparent he was your second cousin, which is not really a very distant relative at all.

But as usual people are projecting what they think the situation is on to the thread to enable them to have a good old rant.

And, as usual, other people are projecting what they think people are doing so that they themselves can have a good rant.

From the OP I am Facebook friends with the mum of the cousin who died and she clearly is deep in grief, She posts about him every day putting pics of him up frequently and an aunt who is close to her says she is not coping very well.

Absolutely no projecting needed whatsoever to understand the situation. She is not coping at all well and clearly other family are close. To try and claim she wouldn't know is, quite frankly, stupid. Of course they have mutual friends and family! She is family!

Just coming on to clarify one thing. It is not a dead child. The cousin died in their 30s. The mother is mourning their child, who was an adult

It makes no difference! Your child is still your child

'It is not a dead child'

Well actually HE is someone's child.

You don't even know what you are having. I'd go have a look through your girls list and try to be a little more sensitive.

for all the grieving parents and relatives and for their very honest feedback. Some really moving posts.

OP are you still reading this thread? Have you decided to change your mind?

I agree with everyone up-thread OP, but just to add that perhaps you should stop thing about it for now. I know that I had phases of liking names while I was pregnant with both DS's - maybe in a month or so you will be less set on this name and will be able to see how insensitive it would be to use it. DS2 was going to be Alfie for a good few months of my pregnancy, until the last two weeks when I changed my mind and decided on a completely different name. You may think it is the only name you could possibly use right now, but give it time and others will hopefully start to creep up the list and you can avoid causing hurt to your grieving family member.

Actually, Bertrand, I have a friend whose son died. She has a friend who used the name later on after asking her. I can only go on what my own friend said, and no doubt her friend approached it sensitively, but from what she said she did not feel pressured and took it in the spirit it was intended.

Looking at this from a different perspective for a minute.

My DF was named after his uncle who died very young (teens) - very much in his honour and as a mark of respect. DF said as a child he hated the fact he shared a name with his dead relative and wished his parents had just used it as a middle name instead.