Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate VI

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Time for a new thread, ladies. May it continue to give us comfort, and help us find a special, sunny place in our hearts, where our babies are safely tucked in. May it bring good luck to everyone who posts or justs reads.

And to the old-timers, it?s so lovely to still have you here with us, reaching out.

Welcome Julybutterfly i agree with the others such a beautiful fitting name, i'm so sorry for your loss and hope you find some comfort from this thread i know i have, i Decided to terminate my DS Liam at 17 wks due to T21 and AVSD he was born on the 1st of April and was due on Sept 4th.
On a lighter note if anyone would like a really good laugh i'm in full 5 day bd'ing mode and i think we may have got slightly carried away last night and...erm...broke the bed we carried on regardless though lol then collapsed into giggles with DP announcing if i do get pg this month we have a good story for when the baby grows up if we really want to embarass him/her.
Lisbeth i really hope the doc gives you some good news my love you've really been through the mill lets hope it's time for you to turn a corner soon, and thank you for not thinking i'm loopy about the name thing it feels so cruel every time i hear those names i want to scream but i know that it's all part of the healing process so i accept it, at the end of the day thats all i can do.
coffee I think you are a mummy already we all are, i recently said to DP i will always have 1 more child then i actually do because Liam lived in me even if it was only for a little while he was alive and a part of the world just like Sylvia and the other beautiful little lost babies, so you are a mother, your a mother to an angel and i'll be thinking of you and your beautiful girl on the 23rd.
Right must dash need to go bed shopping DP has taken a half day to help me choose...i think we'll go with something sturdy! DM xXxXxXxXXxXx

Oh my goodness Drama, you do make me laugh. I am also very impressed. Two years of increasingly souless TTC sex has left me almost incapable of breaking into a sweat let alone breaking a bed. You shall be my new heroine. Perhaps my gorgeous husband will be thanking you if you give me inspiration ; )

Hello to everyone this weekend and hope it brings some hapiness for us all. And welcome to Julybutterfly. So sad to welcome people to the thread but I'm glad you found it and hope that you find as much comfort and support as I have.

Lisbeth. God. How hideous for you. I can imagine that you are just wretched about all these problems but I hope that they even themselves out soon. Much love.

Peanut. I echo Coffee. Your body did get pregnant so it was ready, you didn't do anything wrong. And even when things seem 'perfect' timing things go wrong. Its shit but it just does. I think it is so hard though not to keep searching for 'reasons'. In a way much more edifying that just crappy randomness. But I guess the outcome is the same and the important thing is to make sure that we press to find out if there ARE any medical reasons and then just have that blind leap of faith again. So hard after such losses though. It takes huge strenght to keep the faith and I am certainly struggling a little with that. I hope your holiday gives you the respite to build up that strength again.

Gina & Coffee. Such a tumultuous month for you both but I would echo others words when I say that the build up for me was much worse than the actual. I think I said that my ectopic pregnancy would have been due on my 40th and with that and the termination a few weeks before I honestly expected to melt down/implode/just feel something HUGE on that day and whilst it was very poignant it wasn't as bad as I had expected nor as bad as the days leading up to it. The loss is such a heavy weight on your heart on a day to day basis its not so different. But it is a significant milestone and my thoughts are with you both.

Mishtabel. I was so shocked to hear about your first baby. I must have missed it in all the threads. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been and how your recent experience must have compounded that. Thank heavens for the beautiful Bella. Bella indeed in all its definitions.

As for me I am doing OK. Still in a bit of a funny 'no words' phase but am feeling relatively positive about starting IVF if my f**d up body is ready next month. I may be naive as I don't know what I am in for but I am glad for the momentum that it affords us and the feeling that I am doing something to achieve our hope of another child. We'll see. It still seems like a foreign country though and one to which I feel I am unlikely to get a visa. I did however muster up enough interest in resuming 'real life' today to go into the city and see a really great installation art exhibition which is part of the Sydney Biennale. Its was out on an island in the harbour and a glorious sunny winters day here which made the ferry ride beautiful and it made me properly glad to be alive which is something that I haven't really felt for a while. A good day more or less.

Love to all
x

Scrum, your words are so simple yet so beautiful and true. Properly glad to be alive. I am touched reading them. Happiness is still within reach. I wish I could say more, but somehow I am lost for words. Thinking of all of you though, and especially of Lisbeth these days. I hope your doctor appointment reassured you and having your mum here helps. xxxx

Just to warn you all, my internet connection is going off and on so don't know if will suddenly be cut off. If I suddenly vanish for a while, you will know why...

Drama, wanted to say you make me laugh so much too. Love the broken bed story.

Am struck by how much IVF there is (going to be) on this thread. We can be an IVF support thread too.

Oh and in case anyone was wondering, the previous post was from me in a different name. I assume you recognize the voice anyway since you're all v sensitive to writing voices... Been using the different name to arrange to meet other local Mnetters. Just in case someone turns out to be someone I know, don't want them to know I'm also Can't and my history. Am annoyed at myself for the mistake, but just wanted to explain.

In terms of us-news, we're potty training. Cue mucho mess. Meanwhile, DD2 (who's really DD4) is still nocturnal. But very cute.

Thinking of you all.

Hi, I thought it was you Cantdo,I read your post but had to dash after, so no time to reply. Yes, I did recognize your voice. I actually thought you decided to change your nickname because you actually did do it So glad to hear the 2 little misses Cantdo are doing well, good luck and lots of patience with the potty training!

Thanks for asking after me. Today is worse than yesterday and I started the day by sobbing after burning a pancake! Nothing to do with the pancake, of course. Then I've been ok for a few hours, and then other tears, now I'm ok again. So here I am on the rollercoaster again, but one way or another I'm getting through these days. Actually, even in my darkest moment, I think about you all and how much it means to have this space, and to feel supported. I never thought a virtual space could make such a difference.

And here I am, on the sofa, posting on MN, while the house is a big mess (had it recarpeted yesterday so our staff is all over the place). I'd better go, hope you're all having a good week-end. xxxx

Hi Coffee - sometimes its easier to cry over a pancake, isn't it? I don't know why, but the big things we feel we need to contain in case we get swept away and then a little thing happens and we lose it, as if it's the end of the world. I hope your OH understood! I really feel for you, coming up to your due date and having in mind that parallel existence, the what could have been. I hope that the day is gentle for you and for Gina, and that you can do something that marks your love and longing for Silvia and lets the day pass.

And as for posting on MN while the house is a mess... welcome to my world . Personally I find it a better saver of sanity than wielding a hoover (but then I find pretty much any kind of housework better than wielding a hoover).

Drama - I hope you enjoyed your bed-buying!

And Cant... not sure whether to give you sympathy or admiration for potty training, we're nowhere near doing that yet.

All best wishes and thoughts to Scrum, Popsy and Allways and any others who are nervously starting IVF again; and love to everyone else who is feeling loss just now. xx

Lisbeth, how are you doing after the weekend? Has you GP been able to offer you any assistance / reassurance?

Coffee and Gina, thinking of you both and hope the coming days are gentle with you both.

Drama, good luck to you this month, you?ve certainly put the effort in.

Can?t good luck with the potty training and in getting babycan?t to sleep more at nights.

Peanut, I know you?re not really around, but your post about feeling that you got pregnant too early hit home to me. You see, I?m starting a fresh IVF cycle on Wednesday, just 15 weeks after delivering Rose and I feel mentally and physically ready. You were too. The guilt is another layer of grief another level of pain we feel. I hope you?re able to take some rest, peace and pleasure from your holiday. You deserve it and there should be no guilt in doing so.

Hello to everyone else.

My weekend was mixed, but me and my husband got through it together and even managed to enjoy the sunshine and too many glasses of wine on Friday night.....a kind of blow out before the stress of ivf.

Hi Ladies, I am just popping my head around the door to say hello to everyone and just a very quick post to say to Coffee I am thinking of you and Sylvia. xxxxxxx Much love

Hi all,

Gina and Coffee, I cant really say much except that I am thinking of you both in the lead up to your girls due dates xxx

Scrum, it's virtually impossible to know everyones stories on here. When I first came here, I was on a weeks bed rest as I bled after my CVS. During that week I tried to read the thread from start to finish, but it was already up to volume 3! So I gave up after a while, and just slowly learned peoples stories over time. Anyway, can't remember if I mentioned that I also have 2 teenage dd's, so although I've had a couple of tragedies, I do consider myself so, so blessed. How have you been? (don't feel pressured to post though)

Lisbeth, I hope things are getting sorted with you. Can't believe what you have had to go through

Drama, what can I say - my DH would be so envious if I told him of your bed incident, and confirm for him that he is deprived. Good luck ttc this month

Good luck to you too Allways, and all of you who are ttc (I'm actually starting to lose track)

Hello and love to Bee, Peanut and everyone else xxx

PS: knew it was you Cant

Lol thank-you all for your comments i'm glad i can provide some comic relief! new bed is in now went for a big leather sleigh bed...v-sturdy i told DP how lucky he was and he said half the effort was his! cheek. I'm in dreaded 2ww territory again so this should be interesting luckily i don't have time to symptom spot this time, can't remember if i posted this but i went to see my GP and she thinks that the egg was fertilised last time but didn't take because my body just wasn't ready for it hence the metallic taste, sore boobs etc... but she advised us to just keep trying as my body will get pg if and when its ready....hence the broken bed lol.
Right off to make Georges' lunch Love to all especially coffee and Gina i'm thinking of you and your girls XxXxXxXxX

Hi all, no time to post properly but just wanted to say to Allways that I?ll keep my fingers crossed for you tomorrow!

No internet connection at home for a while, as my internet hub broke down yesterday, so this is just a quick post from work. I hope everyone is well, sorry for no personals. xxxx

I found this poem, I am not a religious person at all but this touched me.

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

That's a pretty poem, Gina. Thanks for posting.

No time but wanted to say am thinking of you Gina and Coffee today. May your little babies rest in peace.

Gina and Coffee, you and your babies are very much in my thoughts today.

I hope you're able to find some comfort on this very sad date.

A x

Hugs, kisses and love to you Coffee and Gina xxx

(Lovely poem Gina xx)

A deep intense sorrow and tears that I have been holding on to for the last 3 months have appeared. I thought I would be stronger than this but it has hit me like a brick wall.

Oh Gina. Just cry, if you can. It does release something, it helps a bit. I've said this on the other thread, but it will ebb, and pass; just let it go for now if you can.
Big hugs.

Gina, let those tears flow, scream, shout, do what ever you must to get through these hours. You are strong, much stronger that you think you are. Crying is not a sign of weakness, you are in deep pain and sorrow and those tears are allowed.

Dear Gina and Coffee, thinking of you and your heavenly girls today.

I think Can't said on the other thread that grief comes in waves and we can't predict when or how it will hit. Sometimes we prepare ourselves and the day is gentler than we thought, other times we are lost to it. But there is no right or wrong, it is just your way of letting go a little bit more.

Big hugs to you both. xx

Hello Gina & Coffee

Gina, sorry that you are feeling the depths of sorrow today but I hope that your tears are ultimately healing ones. And you too Coffee. As I think I have said before I have been reading a little about loss and sorry and Seneca wrote (you can't beat the Romans) that "tears are less bitter when mingled with others" and that "grief wounds more deeply in solitude". So please know that you are not alone, we all on here share a little of your sadness today and I am crying a little as I write this for all of us lovely people who have to know such days of pain. Much love Scrum xx

ok I am crying a lot but it is evening and I have a glass of red wine to help me on my way ; )

Hi everyone,

First of all I want to say to Gina that you and the little Olivia are in my thoughts today. I was actually doing ok, had a busy morning and somehow managed to distract myself, but then it hit me and I had to make an effort not to cry on the train, on my way to the office. Gina, let these tears flow, as Scrum said hopefully they are healing. Somehow this milestone will also pass.

And as usual, thank you all so much for your messages of support, they mean so much and I am touched to see that so many of you are sparing a thought for my little girl today. Everyone is RL forgot about it, including my parents.

Still no internet at home until tomorrow evening at the earliest, which is annoying and makes me realise how addicted to the www (and MN!) I really am. Anyway, what I?d better say, although I can?t really believe it and I?m scared to say it, is that I am pregnant! So this week is not how I had planned it and I feel very guilty because today isn?t as intense as I thought it would be. It hasn?t sunk in yet and I am in denial, I just want to forget about it for as long as possible and just find ways to distract myself. But at the same time I am scared because I can?t help being hopeful. I know there are 36 weeks for things to go terribly wrong, so I am cautious, but at the same time I hope so much that things will work out this time.

And I feel very guilty for not being rawer today. Of course I still miss my little one terribly and I wish she were here. Although I know I can?t always keep the rawness here, and rawness is not the most fitting way to remember Silvia, I still fear I am letting her down a bit. I?m writing this and I?m becoming quite emotional, and I?m at work, so I should really stop. I am sorry for the totally self indulgent post. I also realise this might come as a complete surprise, as I wasn?t able to talk in here about ttc, I was so afraid I would jinx my chances, and also it felt totally unreal and very strange to bring it out into the open. I also realise I might come in here in a few days?/weeks? time and say I am having a miscarriage, or later with bad scan results. I know how many things can go wrong. Anyway, I?m rambling. I hope everyone is ok and I so look forward to having my home internet connection back, so I can read everyone?s posts in peace. Much love xxxx

GOSH. CONGRATULATIONS Coffee. A bitter sweet day for you but hopefully the sweetness wins and it should, it is terrific news, well done. I hope you can enjoy it a little bit but of course know it must be scary and exciting all at once. And please don't feel like you are letting her down...its the opposite. She showed you that you had so much love for her that it propelled you onwards to give some of the at love to your next child...but of course you will still have that love for her. MUCH love xx

Coffee, what lovely news. And you're only right to be hopeful, I am hopeful for you too. You are not letting Sylvia down at all. I hope this wonderful news does help you get through today, and carries on being wonderful for you. Goodness knows you deserve it

Gina, thinking of you too today. Thanks for posting the poem - I've cut and pasted it and added it to my 'collection' of moving and inspirational words that I've gathered to give me strength.

Sorry I haven't been around, and that i haven't really a clue as to how you all are. My head is just not working properly, and I feel in a right mess. My AF finally started on saturday, and with it came a whole influx of feelings and I've been trying to sort through them but to no avail. I feel like I should be ttc, but I am just SO scared of it all going wrong again. I almost want to ftc just so we don't have to face the heartbreak of losing a baby all over again. I don't think I'm strong enough to cope another time. It feels like there is a very thin line that I am balancing on, between trying to carry on normally and completely losing it. Does that make sense?
Work has been so very difficult, but I only have until the end of next week and then am off for the summer. I think I had psyched myself up before going back, to last the seven weeks of term, but all that 'strength' has been zapped and I have nothing left. Am desperate to not have to face the bumps each day, and feel the pain each time I look at them. I wish I could stay at home all day, safely cocooned away from RL. Doesn't work like that thought does it

Sorry for just posting about me when I've been away so long, but I'm sure you all know what it's like when there are all these thoughts flying round and you can't get hold of any. Getting it out does help.

Really hope you're all as okay as can be, and once again Coffee, what lovely news on such a beautiful day. You have given me a lift and made me think that there is hope for the future. Good luck all the way xxx