Talk : Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate V

[treedelivery]

Welcome to the 5th thread.

An amazing day to begin a new journey together. The thread babies are arriving and we take this as a positive nod from the great karma controller - whoever and whatever that may be.

Good luck to our thread, to the souls who read, those who post, those who drop in to learn and hold hands.

Our cyber bench is a supportive place, we sit outside hospitals as strong but scared women go to ride their wave. We huddle in our cottage when the weather is bleak, stormy or biting cold.

When the sun shines on us we share stories of real life, gain strength and giggle together in times of warm weather.

Fleeting visit - thanks so much for support. I guess I didn't really word myself well when I said I'm horrible. What I meant is that I want to be happy for people and genuinely mean it. I don't think I'm living up to the 'genuine' word at the moment.

Something I've never confessed to before:- I had my first scan with DS baby at week 11. Nuchal a week later. After I had the initial scan, the consultant said to me that he didn't anticipate any issues with the nuchal and that I should announce the pregnancy. I then did the unforgivable and posted a pic of the scan on FB. Which, a week later, I had to remove. Was horrendous.

Tree - you're amazing. Nothing more needed to say. I'm sure you'll all agree.

Fay - she too is amazing. Am now inspired to cook EVERY day. I even do something I NEVER thought I'd do, and that's to cook in bulk and freeze Her recipes are simple, down to earth, and often I don't even need to go out as I can scrounge the ingredients together out of my cupboards.

Hello PH, hope you're doing ok. I'd like to think of most of the people on Harley St having boob jobs / face lifts. Keeps it glam.

Love to all

yes, that's exactly it, bezzy, to feel genuinely pleased for people, not to feel angry and upset and gut wrenched and then to cover it all up in a pretence of being pleased. It's a new life - it should be a thing of joy. I hate the bitter twisted person I've become.

Just found out one of my oldest friends is pg with no 4 - her first is just about 5. I'm sure it was a mistake - found out on FB of course. And yes I'm cross as don't know why I couldn't have had a bit of that fertility/luck/pregnancy when she so doesn't need it. I spoke to her at length around the time of the burial (she lives far away from me) and she was lovely, very guilty about her 3 - now I know why as she must have known she was pg. I actually told her she was "safe" to speak to and as she wasn't going to be pg again. She must have felt dreadful.

Golly ladies what a day on here - so lovely to come home from a mad day at work and digest all the chat and I have sooo much I want to say and am just too too tired. Left house at 6.30am, four hour round trip and very big day of teaching - so am wiped out.
Want to say that I live in dread of friend announcing their pregnancies - although of course rarer for me as I am older.
One very gentle friend however, gets it right. Exclaims her delight and then always mentions that she knows we are suffering.
That is all it takes.
It is all I need- I do not even want to mention it to anyone in real life- but I cannot bear to have it ignored. So hard for people I know. Because how can they know? As Bezzy fessed up herself, in innocence we announce pregnancies to the world, not knowing of all the heartache for many.

Big hugs to you all
Bee xxxxx
ps meeting in knobby old Harley Street is next Thursday. Not looking forward to it at all.

Mishta and Lins
Had a gentle message from Shangrila. Do not panic, she is fine. Due date todayish but no sign of baby yet.
She is not in posting mode.
I think we all know that feeling.
But she wanted me to send you huge love and congratulations. I know she is reading - can we all give her the biggest group, thread hug? She has endured I think more than most- and we all know what demons pregnancy can bring up for the walking spiritually wounded.
We are here and rooting for you Shangrila.
Hugs and kisses
Bee xx

Viv- I am tempted to write a letter in response to the Observer article but there is no letters page in the mag on Sunday.
This language is prehistoric and utterly damaging. Am glad you agree.

Mishta - I would be a right old wreck being abandoned by family but it is so important their life continues isn't it? My middle son would be furious if he missed hockey and swimming no matter what crisis!
Soon you will be cosied up on the sofa with your girls and your lovely man. At least I hope he is lovely!!!
Big kiss to you and to Bella Bambina.
Bee xxxx

My dearest Bezzy boodles
I am hearing your anger and distress today darling and am so glad you turned here to the thread. You are so important a voice here and I miss you when you are not around.
And I am so getting that cookbook.
Night night
Bee xxxxxx

NIght Bee. x

Thinking of you Shangrila. stalker hangout bench is now located on the corner of your road/street/avenue/private country estate wall.

Hi everyone, big night/day on thread.
Bee, you did pretty well to respond to anyone at all last night, let alone as coherently as you did, considering the huge day you had. You know we'll all be with you next Thursday. Btw, my man is quite lovely. We were childhood sweethearts, and one thing I've always loved about him is how family-orientated he is. Now just can't wait to be home as family. Going to be hard when he returns to work and is only home every 1- 2 weekends

Eulalia, yes, it's the end of summer break and start of new school year tomorrow. And I wouldn't expect you to know - I am ignorant about way more important stuff than that. I looked up Stonehaven on the net. They had a live webcam thingy, which wouldn't work on my phone unfortunately. It looks very picturesque though.

I am so pleased to be able to have time to post as I would always have liked to. So even though, yes I'm in hospital, and yes I have a baby, it's not that I post despite this, more that I am able to because of this. Hope that makes sense.

And Tree, Cant is so right - you are brave. Sometimes I don't know what to say to someone on here, all I can offer is that I'm thinking of them. Then you come along with such empathy and lack of fear of being with them in their pain. You can play it down all you like, but the truth is not many people have that ability. Bet you are a fantastic midwife, let alone friend. Commiserations on the WW sausage & mash though.

Peanuthead - thank you. Do you think your 'insensitive friend' got it?

Bella had her chest tube clamped again today. If she copes with this over the next 20 or so hours, the tube can come out, I will be able to cuddle, breastfeed, whatever and she will be transferred to Level 2 NICU instead of Level 3! I hope she copes with it this time. I will keep you posted. Thank you all for the hand holding.

Finally, big big thread hug to you Shangrila - hope you can feel us all holding your hand. Joining Tree on the bench now....

Take care everyone xx

Just a skim read as a bit hashed. Started packing. Its only a couple of days but need so much stuff, also with it being self catering need to plan meals in advance. Love packing up to go away though, always feels like an adventure.

Mistabel, whereabouts are you,do you live near the coast? I love being near the sea and just jumping into the car and at the beach in 10 mins. I can't wait to see pics of Bella when you get round to it.

Totally agree about scan pics, and what about photos of bumps - what's that all about!? Dont much like facebook with photos of people showing off how many friends they have, all in all its too self congratulatory.

Have a good weekend all and I hope baby comes easily for you Shangrila as its been such a very long wait for you.

xxxx

I thought I had posted a really long message at around 10am this morning and it's disappeared.

Anyway, just wanted to say thank you for all your wise words. I am due to stay at my parents' house this weekend so may bring it up with my mum, if it feels appropriate to do so.

I'm another who totally understands the fear and loathing of scans. DH is the same. A week or two ago we were channel hopping and stumbled across Stacey Slater getting a scan on Eastenders - DH shouted at me to turn the channel over.

I'm so pleased beautiful Bella is getting stronger by the day, and Shangrila, I'm sending you much much love.

Love to everyone else. Hope you're all having lovely days.

xx

Oooo Mishtabel. Thos ehugs are going to be soooo good.

Am generally feeling all pink and fluffy at that, and the news that you and lovely man are childhood sweethearts.

Thank you for your good wishes Peanuthead. I'm up and down like a yo-yo at the moment. Bit calmer today. Halfway there... I hope you are feeling more settled. It can be helpful to let people who you feel have been thoughtless know how you feel. Firstly as a gentle reminder, as sometimes the didn't mean to be unfeeling, secondly to release the bee from your bonnet and thirdly, if the bee is released and the friend still doesn't get it then you can make an 'educated' reassessment of your relationship.

Sending love to you all but special wishes to Misthabel and little Bella, Shangrila and Bee for what unfolds over the next week or so.

About family reactions, some people just don't really know how to react and sometimes just get nervous and blurt out inappropriate things. My mum is the champion at this. I've got used to it and try to ignore some of the things she says because I know she doesn't mean any harm. My MIL (or as I call her Mother-out-Law as we're not married) is almost the extreme opposite. She is a retired family therapist so she is very supportive and understanding and lovely and sometimes she cries with me but she has been know to be a little overwhelming sometimes. The first couple of times our pregnancies came to an untimely end she called almost everyday to see how I was but being the therapist it was a constant analysis of how I was feeling which after a while was emotionally exhausting. Last time we tactfully explained that I needed a little space and she was great. I'm very lucky as far as the MIL is concerned.

Shangrila, sending you hugs and strength and good luck and hand holding and cups of tea -with a biscuit.
It's an anxious time and easy for others to say 'it'll be ok' - we are all right there on the bench for you. I'm thinking of you honey. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Evening all
Bloomin parky here in Londinium.
Just quickly checking on our Shangrilala- you were there for me way back when I had just found out I had a second DS pregnancy and shared your own multiple losses with me. It helped me feel much less alone with my pain, less picked out by the gods.
So know that I am thinking of you and know that this heaviness will pass.
And a big hug to Mishta and Bella - how is the wee poppet?
bee xxx

Shangrila, I'm thinking of you too. I went way over with DD and that was hard even without all the trauma you've been through (and I have since). I'm sitting on the bench too. Though it'd be nicer if we all sat in the cottage together with blankets and hot choc? Bezzy can bake us a cake.

Bee, hope you are doing okay.

Mishtabel - WOW to little Bella. I really hope you have got your cuddle and breastfeed. All that expressing must be exhausting... You've done so well. Looking forward to more photos... can we be honorary thread aunties?

I still shudder at thought of a scan. Can't look at the screen until the consultant says it's okay. Feel v lucky that it HAS been okay so far this time...

Off to see how Justa is.

Hi everyone, be back later for proper post. Just rang nursery for latest so I could update you before you go to bed. So far, so good. Four or so more hours of good behaviour on Bella's behalf and she should have her chest tube removed! (arms getting sore yet Tree?). Taking sister to airport today, so probably won't get to feed/hold til this afternoon
I'll be back later. Til then, thoughts are with you Shangrila. Wish I could be of some help xxx

Ooh could you post a link to Justa's thread here again Cant?
xxxx

Justa's thread (funeral was yesterday, crem this morning I think)

Mishtabel - nope

Hiya Kittens. Hang in there, I hope it gets easier for you. x

You too Cant.

Bee - so envy you in London you know. I have very romantic views of living in London. Although I remember how knife crime touched you, so I mustn'e be silly about it. Still though, all a bit Notting Hill isn't it?

Hey everyone!

Looks like all your well wishes and pom pom shaking (along with the expert care of the lovely NICU doctors and nurses) have paid off. Bella has finally had her tube removed, all lines out, I've had cuddles (so has mike and 14 yr dd - 12 yr dd's first day of high school today), also had breastfeed x 2. She is in a normal crib and looks just like a 'normal' baby. I'm so thrilled. However happy I am, I feel the need to one day, very soon, just break down and have one huge howling session. I know it's coming, I just can't do it in a four bed ward and there is no where else to go for privacy here. But I am so happy at the same time. Have sent you a pic of first cuddle Bee. Will post pics on profile when I return home for those whose email Bee hasn't got. And yes, Cant, I consider you all honorary thread aunties! If feeding goes well over next day, we will be moved to a regular post natal ward so she can room-in with me. Then apparently we return to local hospital Monday.

I have to go and return to her - I left her briefly, while she was wide awake to come back to the ward to have my tea, as stupidly they won't keep it for you longer
than 40 minutes (not even in fridge).

Will try to pop on later.Thanks again everyone for helping me through this time.

PS: Eulalia, if you read this before you go, I currently live in a quaint little town, Wingham, whilst we are building in a nearby town, Taree (where we just sold our house). Both places are on the east coast of Australia, about 10-15 min from the beach. Have a lovely weekend xx

Oh Mishta, so very happy and relieved for you. You've been so very calm and strong through all of this. And, as always, a pillar of strength to everyone here, even though you're having your own tragedies there.

Please give her a big squeeze from me.

Much love

BK xx

PS understand the need for a breakdown after being strong. I did same after last m/c. Felt much better afterwards. Throw things, shout and scream. It works. (preferably when alone though )

Hooray for Bella! Lovely news Mishtabel.

Mishtabel - I am so pleased Bella is able to spend some quality time with her lovely mummy now. Really great news.

Super news Mishtabel amd so happy for you all! Go Bella! xxx

Quick peek ....

Fantastic news Mishtabel! Now I know where you are will come and see you (secret ambition to visit Australia one day)

Thinking of you Justa today and you all.

Off tomorrow afternoon, back Sunday night, due to snow so snowing whilst in a Jacuzzi might be interesting.