Talk : Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate V

[treedelivery]

Welcome to the 5th thread.

An amazing day to begin a new journey together. The thread babies are arriving and we take this as a positive nod from the great karma controller - whoever and whatever that may be.

Good luck to our thread, to the souls who read, those who post, those who drop in to learn and hold hands.

Our cyber bench is a supportive place, we sit outside hospitals as strong but scared women go to ride their wave. We huddle in our cottage when the weather is bleak, stormy or biting cold.

When the sun shines on us we share stories of real life, gain strength and giggle together in times of warm weather.

Hi Justa, welcome back. Don't hesitate offloading here, no matter what it is. You've had such a tough time lately, I hope things have settled down a bit?

Hi Ladies

Coffee. I am so pleased that you got the confirmation that you needed and that you had much more confidence and trust in the professor. Awful that you have had to allow all that doubt and even more upset in over the last few weeks but now the line has been drawn on the medical facts and you can move ahead knowing that you did the right thing. I hope you slept better knowing that you did the right thing for Silvia.

Mishtabel. I moved to Sydney (Avalon on the Northern Beaches)from London when I was 7 months pregnant with my DS, two and a half years ago. DH is Australian and a mad keen surfer (we met when he spent a few years in London). I have heard of Taree but never been; envious of you building a home though, I'd love to design and build something - actually if another pregnancy doesn't happen then that is what we are going to do. Thankyou for your welcome and I am so pleased you went on to have a new baby. We need hope and its also comforting to know that you are broadly my age.

Allways. Its so cruel when someone has fertility issues to then have your experience - just full on shittier than shit. I'm sorry you have to go through IVF again but am hoping you can be my IVF Yoda as I think we will be starting it at around the same time. Its not great odds at my age apparently but naturally with only one tube after my ectopic its much worse so we will give it a go. I think its probably better not to know what it involves in a way so difficult for you when you know what you are in for. God, we all know that 'fairness' and 'luck' don't really come into it given our situations BUT surely surely surely better things are to come.

Hello to everyone else on the thread too. I went back to my playgroup for the first time today and despite driving around the block for 30 minutes crying and having a bit of a panic it was OK. There was even a week old baby there (the age my ectopic pregnancy would have been if that had worked out) and it was really OK and I even managed to remember to take a little gift. The baby was gorgeous and instead of feeling a little envious and sad like I expected, I just felt like it as almost a remote foreign country. Somewhere I would never go again. Anyway, not a bad day really all things considered.

Love to all.

Coffee, I'm pleased yesterday went well, that the prof was able to talk to you in a more open way, gave you concise andswers. Its always been know you made the right choice for Silvia, sadly she was a sick baby. My Mum says this to me often. 'I'm feeling this pain, so Rose doesn't have to'. It is the same for silvia, for all our babies.

I'm envious of home building too, and of Scrum and Mishtabel in Austrailia.

Scrum, will be your yoda. I start down reg'ing on the 23rd June, if my hormone levels come back ok that is. I did day 2 bloods yesterday and the results shoud be back in a weeks to 10 days. I'm hoping they are ok, I seems to be ovulatng and my period has been on time for the last 2 cycles. They also said they will manage the stimming part of the cylce more closely, as I over stimulated on the 1st cycle and went OHSS.

Hi Justa, please don't hold back from the board. You know this already, but its a wonderful place.

Can I just state the obvious and say my heart goes out to anyone who's been through IVF and then had this happen. Just the range of emotions encapsulated must be testing for any human. If there are seven levels of unfair (although why would there be?, but work with me) that's got to be in one of the inner circles.

I'm hoping that no-one on here has tried to get through that without proper bereavement help. I'm thinking that's testing the limit of what can be coped with without help.

My story (recap) is a poppet lost to T-13 at 14 weeks in March 2010. I have no other children (two step children), and have deeply mixed feelings about going again. I'm 40. I'm a writer, I live in west london and normally I'm really good fun. At the moment, I'm still pretty much unable to really enjoy anything socially but digging light, trees and leaves.

There should be a little black ribbon you should be able to wear subtley so people would know to be gentle.

Love and thanks to all, I don't know how I'd got through the last month without you. xx.

Oh stink. I have just written a looonng post to you all and the gremlins have consumed it. I hate that.
I was trying to reach out and explain how I feel about the thread in response to Mme's lovely post this morning. That I started it over a year ago (is that really possible? a whole year has passed since my second termination). That the thread held me together when I fell apart, that I posted sometimes dozens of times a day. That my face was pushed right up against the glass of misery. That I could not breathe in anything other than sorrow and loneliness. But that the women and friends here heard me, held me, genuinely cared in a way no one in real life could or has since.
So Mme,I am relieved to hear that you are comforted. That is right. It is astonishing to me that Time genuinely does shift things. If you were to read back over the threads that preceded this one, you would hear the tears of agony from me and so many other women. But somehow, tiny bit by tiny bit, the rawness and agony fade some days. Sometimes only for an hour or so. Then maybe a whole day of relief. Followed by a few hours of despair. Finally the sorrow can creep up and tap you on the shoulder unexpectedly. A friend announces she is pregnant. An article in the Guardian. A date. A photo. A name.
Allways; to you in particular my heart goes out. I think yes, grief, depression, call it what you will. I too felt I needed a word to describe what I felt. And whilst there is no scale of misery (as Mme says) somehow your loss is so much more enormous. And yet you have always been so dignified and lacking in self-pity. To say goodbye to your girls, after so much longing and hope and love, well it is humbling. Unimaginable. I imagine it would feel like a nightmare, like a not-able-to-be-believed nightmare.
I do hope so very much that your IVF is successful. I do hope so very much that one day soon you and your hubbie are blessed with a little life to love.
And all of you recent ladies, I read your posts daily. I am in a different far-off place now I guess. And why I am is posting is that I want to express the voice of a year ahead. So much can change in a year.

And dear dear Justafriend. How very lovely to hear your voice here. I am sorry to hear that life continues to be stressful; it does seem to be that way for so many. I hope your boy is a delightful comfort to you.
With big love to you all
Bee xxx

Hello ladies.

Bee, it is so so lovely to hear your voice again. Just know that you are always welcome here. I've said this before and I will always say it, you have created a wonderful space, a lifeline for many. Here we are taking care of each other, and we take turns comforting each other. So thank you dearest Bee xxxx

MMT, my dream job (if you can call it a job) was to be a writer. Too much competition though . I'm glad you feel this thread is helping - I for one am addicted to this space, like Bee said it has pulled me through many times since February.

Allways, I'm thinking of you and your dh and hope that IVF is successful. Bee has already expressed everything so well, I can't find better words than that.

Scrum, well done for the playgroup meeting, you showed so much strength! It must have been so, so hard... I hope your design and building plans will be delayed and you'll have a baby instead.

I am having a good day today, for the first time in ages I feel like I can actually enjoy the sun. Still feeling very tired, but the relief is immense. I can't express it. So I am feeling better and still love and miss my baby. I seem to be able to gradually find a new, healthier way of being connected with her. I know bad days are just around the corner, but I am enjoying the good ones while they last.

Oh Coffee, I'm so pleased to hear some lightness in your voice, taking pleasure in the sunshine, connecting with your baby girl, feeling warmth in your utter love for her. Its grief, but today it?s manageable. I think that?s something we all ask for, what we need.

Thank you Allways. I know this is an up and downs will follow, but I feel it's important to share the good days as well, after all you've all been here supporting me through my darkest times.

I forgot to say in my last post: Monkey, I hope your discussion with your doctor was reassuring xxxx

Coffee, it is important to share the good days/times. After all they are equally important in shaping our grief and give hope to those who are aren?t feeling so positive that lighter times are ahead.

I?m meeting up with some friends on Saturday night for some food and wine. I?ve not seem them since Feb, a sign of how much I?ve isolated myself in recent months. I?m scared and looking forward to it in equal measure. My closest friend has reassured me she?ll lookout for me and I?m going to try my hardest to enjoy myself and enjoy the dressing / make up part of a night out like before.

Allways, I really hope your night out will be an enjoyable one - if your best friend said she would look after you, it might help you feel less isolated, as there will be someone who knows your grief. A couple of months after we lost Silvia, we had some friends over, they knew what had happened but we hadn't seen each other for ages. I feared I would not be able to get through the night, but it was very nice to see them again, a respite actually. I hope it will be the same for you. Rose and Lily are tucked away safely in your heart.

I hope everyone else is ok and finding some comfort in the warm weather. xxxx

Allways, I hope the night out is a good distraction or a step towards lightness, as Coffee described it. (I am so struck by the language we all use- the decision-making and the loss weigh us down, feel so heavy - moving forward isnt recovery, exactly, but a lightening, somehow. I felt exhausted by the second lost baby and switched off, overladen. Then later I started to feel lighter, too)

Coffee, you sound lighter, too... which is good... what a relief that professorial meeting turned out to be.

I am in musing mood. I arrived on this thread just over a year ago after the dire anomaly scan. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the still-birth of Stella. And I can't quite work out how I feel about it. I feel as though the raw agony of that time is right here with me, almost tangible, but not quite - there is a protective screen between me and it, a sort of layer, the result of time and a pregnancy that worked. I have reread today my posts from a year ago and barely comprehend how I posted in what now seems to be an eerily calm voice that was nonetheless very close to meltdown. Anyway I have concluded that that pain is a memory now, a very painful memory, but a memory, that I will live with forever but that is somehow displaced, beside me rather than in me. If that makes sense. It probably sounds hugely self-indulgent. And part of me is thinking, well done, you survived this. Of course, Babycant has changed everything, because I wouldnt have her if things had been different and that is unimaginable now.

Ramble ramble ramble. The sunshine reminds me of this time last year too. And I want to say thank you again to all of you who reached out, many of whom have gone from here now.

Oh and hello Justa, come back and talk to us!

Dearest Cantdo, what a journey you have taken in this last year! I will be thinking of you and Stella tomorrow. You have all the reasons to be proud for having survived this, you have been so strong and the way you are keeping your babies' memory alive is so touching. You described so well how Babycant changed the way you are remembering your babies... thank you for sharing all this with us, your story is so full of hope. Giving little miss Cant a special cuddle tomorrow is the most fitting tribute to Stella, I feel.

Hello ladies - I'm sadly more of a lurker here now but I stopped by and read your news and just wanted to wish you all the best of the best. I've a horrible obstetric history but this place saw me through, held my hand and generally made life bearable. I'm glad to see its healing power rolls on.

Anyway, my best to all and a massive hello to wonderful Justa and our lovely Bee. And Cant - It's not a ramble and I do understand.

Hope the sun shines on you all this weekend.

Can't - tomorrow is my anniversary too. I knew I 'shared' it with someone from the original thread, but I hadn't remembered who. I never posted in the early days because I found that between you all, you said everything I could have said and then someone came back with the words of comfort I needed too. I hope tomorrow passes gently and glad you've got some welcome distraction with babyCan't. My distraction is much smaller, but still very welcome - I've just been so pleased to have at least one thing more positive to think about this week. Tomorrow will be strange - DH is away but I know he remembers the date. Thinking of you. xxxx

PS - More importantly - who's going to make a new thread?? Running out of space...

LP, it's nice that we share that anniversary in a way. It helps. And you have your own baby to look forward to now (I know it's terrifying early days, but it's still something positive).

New thread: I vote for Coffee or MmeTracy to start it as they will produce a lovely first post as the resident writers. I don't want to because the thread I started (the third one?) only produced bad news for people.

LP, thinking of you too today and keeping my fingers crossed it will all work out well this time and the next 8 months will be uneventful.

I was actually wondering this morning: Drama, any news?

About the new thread: MMT, are you up for it?

I am, for no particular reason, very emotional this morning, I so want everything to work out for all of us, I wish I could will it this way.

I was thinking these past few days about how losing my baby has changed me, how much more appreciative I am now of the good days, of the hours when the heaviness lifts... anyway, I'm rambling.

Much love to you all ladies, and a special hug this week-end to LP and Cantdo.

LP and Cantdo, thinking of you both today. xx.

Coffee, if MmeTracy isnt around, you had better start the new thread...

Thanks for the thoughts. Today has been fine. A year on things feel so different. But I know I have been incredibly lucky and I am keeping fingers and toes crossed for everyone else here to be as lucky too.

Drama, come back and tell us your news!

Dear Cantdo and dear Littlepoot
Thinking of you today. A hard day. A thoughful day.
Wishing you love
Bee xxx

Hello lovelys! sorry been mega mega busy over the past couple of days! didn't even need to test on fri as af had already arrived by the time i woke up, not really sure if i'm upset or just relieved!? i know we would have been over the moon if i had bfp but at the same time we weren't trying so i'm not too upset if u see what i mean? but we have decided to start ttc this month which i'm very happy and exited and nervous about all at the same time! and hopefully who knows maybe i'm destined to have a march baby, must say though part of me thinks my body might not be ready yet cause i'm in agony!
Hope your all as well as can be, Coffee i'm so glad you found out exactly what u needed Silvia was a poorly baby but she's now a perfect angel and u made the right choice u knew u did now u have it confirmed and u sound so much better.
Srummy your birthday sounds amazing! it's my mine on weds wonder what my chances are of having similar prezzie? slim-none methinks although i'm sure DP & DS will make it a lovely day for me none the less and i'm having breakfast with my mum which will be nice.
Anyway must go DS has just poured a bottle of bubbles on the floor (thank god for laminate flooring!) but good luck to all those ladies ttc especially those ttc through ivf i shall keep everything x'ed for u. DM xXxXxXxXxX

Drama, just quickly wishing you a happy birthday for Wednesday. I know what your MIL means - you sound so lovely and 'sunny' - I can feel it from here. With your AF arriving, at least it means you're pretty regular and will be able to pinpoint ovulation day.

Littlepoot and Cant, I thought of you both yesterday though never got around to posting. Nice that you both have positive things to keep you occupied.

Must go and attempt to tidy this pigsty. So, Coffee, were you doing the new thread thingy? You have a lovely way with words - I'm sure you'll sum it up what the thread us about beautifully (no pressure....). Must go, love to all xxxx

Morning ladies, well I had a go at creating the new thread and managed to have a typo in my very first post... typical. Anyway, we'll have to move over there soon.

Drama, good luck with TTC this month. It's good you're not disappointed your AF arrived, and it's good this made you realise you are ready to try again. It is indeed a good sign that your body is getting back to normal.

Hi Mishta. I lurked on the other thread and saw your building plans, they are lovely. And Bella is indeed gorgeous, so are your other daughters, though I am sure they are less willing to let you cuddle them

Bee, hi, I hope you are well? And to everyone else, today looks like another sunny day, I hope this helps lighten the hearts somehow. Much love xxxx

Hello everyone,

I have been away, was at Hay Festival, biking round, going to talks and swimming in the wye. It was magic, and last night we went to this temporary bar in a field overlooking the black mountains in changeable skies, my lovely man was mourning his father who's death anniversary was yesterday when suddenly this male voice choir arrived in the field and started singing - it was so beautiful, transcedent even and made me really feel alive. Whoever said this whole process is about lightening is exactly right, for one evening I felt that lightness again. I think nature helps, I think 18 hours of light in a day helps.

I'm happy to start a new post. Anyone has any advice - please say, if not I'm sure I can figure it out.

And to anyone lurking feel free to say hi, we know how you feel, we've all been through it, you couldn't meet a more sympathetic bunch of people.

Love to allways and coffee, cant - I finally understand your history, so sorry.

mme xx

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/978931-Antenatal-support-thread-for-women-who-ha ve-chosen-to-terminate

I think I've done it.

Hi there, I'm not too sure if anyone can help/or if i'm in the right forum!!! I had a termination in April (at 14 weeks) due to a number of abnormalities that the consultant advised were fatal. I have been bleeding on and off since this time and no one really gave any advise on when we could start trying again or when the bleeding would stop. I'm not sure if I can try once the bleeding stops completely or if I have to wait for my next cycle. Does anyone know when the cycle returns after the bleeding - would this be around 4 weeks?

x