support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities

[katiecubs]

Hi girls - i hope this becomes a useful area

Haha, Numpty your comment about the wheatgerm oil reminded me of when I did a shoot with Blazin' Squad - young cheeky boys who are all old friends. One of them used this comment to diss another "Mate, your mum smells like a pet shop!"

All ok here. Feeling generally ok about stuff although more work would be extremely welcome. This is the longest slow patch in ages! It is trickling in a bit more than it was though with a fun little shoot in the pipeline for next month and the wedding season picking up so not all bad.

Katie, I'll bet you feel more relaxed now you've told people about your pregnancy and hopefully your close friends will be able to give you some of the RL support you could do with too. Did you take part in the Burlesque dancing too? Just thinking about tassel twirling with sore pregnant knockers makes me wince! lol.

How is work going for you at the moment Katie? Any teaching stuff? My other half has just started teaching and comes home absolutely shattered after trying to keep 10 excitable teenagers under control.

Cantdo, I hope you're having lots of indulgent lie ins whilst you still can. How are you feeling? Nervous? Excited too, I bet!

Numpty, you're little boy is giving you practice for getting up in the night with the baby! I hope he settles soon.

LittlePoot, hope you're doing ok and you and your bloke not throttling each other yet! Have you had your first AF yet?

I have been weeing on sticks religiously for the last 6 days. Looks like today is "Egg Day" (Easter?). I wonder how long it will take this time. It seems to happen quickly for us. The time before last was hilarious, especially considering our ages. I had a bunion removal op and so couldn't get pregnant until after all my x-rays were done. I ovulated the day after my last x-ray and got a "hole in one". Might take slightly longer this time, that was somewhat exceptional.

Mishtabel, yes, please do tell us how little Bella is getting on.

I wonder how Lins and Shangrilla are. Are you looking in ladies?

Hi Numpty and Kittens

Good luck with the ovulating! I've conceived 1st time lucky 4 times now. Shame that my uber-fertility doesnt seem to mean I breed healthy babies.... but anyway if it happened quickly once for you, I'm sure it will again.

Numpty, DD got a duvet a few weeks ago for the first time too. She has always been a dreadful sleeper so TBH it hasnt made any difference but I sympathize with the broken nights.
Kittens, no indulgent lie ins for me with an insomniac 2 year old!

As for excitement - no. I'm terrified of something going wrong at the final stage. Really scared. Can't really get to the 'excited' stage I got to with DD, too much traumatic experience in between. I'm very anxious.

Shangrila - are you around? I recall you feeling like this too... how did you cope?

Hi all, (long post warning - feel free to ignore )

Cant, oh I so remember that terrified feeling, almost convinced something was going to go wrong. Felt like it got worse as the time drew nearer, and each morning, I would wake and just lie still until I felt her kick - and then i would be almost suprised that she was still ok. I never said too much on here at the time, cause I didn't want to add any fears to what Lins and Shangrila might have been having, and I also (stupidly) thought i would jinx myself if I put my fears in writing (I am mad, I know). When I was woken on the morning of Bella's birth, to prepare for the caeser, I was SO relieved she had made it that far, you couldn't wipe the smile from my face. But then even during the op, I was scared something would go wrong with either me or her. Anyway, as far as the caeser went, a few hiccups but all was good in the end, and although Bella went through a bit of an ordeal, everything turned out fine there too. During the late stages of pregnancy, the only thing I found to calm my fears, was to remind myself that of course I was going to be paranoid, but that that DID NOT mean something bad would happen, and that plenty of women were having healthy babies every minute of the day all over the world. I would occassionally lurk on the 'normal' antenatal threads just to remind myself of this. It was like an escape from my fears. I really feel for you Cant - it's horrible to have that anxiety. Hope you're not as snappy as I was in the lead up (my poor DH especially).

That reminds me Littlepoot, I think it's quite normal and expected to have little tiffs with your man, with the stress you've both been through. Sounds like you know this anyway, which is good. Not terribly conducive to TTC though I suppose! Not long ago, when Bella's monitor was playing up, and I'd get so stressed come night to the point of tears, I accused my man of being 'inconsiderate', 'selfish', and actually stormed off and slept in the spare room - all because he ate one of my banana paddle-pops! (And I had a heap of them in the freezer too). I apologised sheepishly the next day. Luckily he knows what I'm like when I'm stressed, and doesn't take too much notice of me. It's hard though, when you're both going through stressful times. Anyway, good luck with TTC - your planned holiday sounds lovely and I am so, so envious!

Kittens, good luck to you too. Good that you seem to conceive do quick. When does your mum have her scan? My MIL left for Melbourne yesterday to have follow-up scans for lung cancer (small cell, which is usually the bad one). She was diagnosed with it the same week my baby was diagnosed with T21. She got it early though, as so far the scans have come back clear (has another one tomorrow), almost 2 years down the track. 5year survival rate for her kind of cancer is only 15%, but I figure why should she not be one of those 15%? She may not be good when it comes to dealing with grief, but in all other respects, she is such a good MIL, I would be lost without her. All the best for your mum. Sounds like she gets very good care where she is.

Katie, glad you had a fun weekend (couldn't imagine you NOT having fun), and that you got to share your news, and story, with your friends. Probably good that your tummy isn't huge with the burlesque dancing and all! Not that pregnant mama's can't be hot of course

Well seeing I've prattled on so much, it'll have to be a quick update on Bella I suppose. What, can I say, Bella truly is bella. She's pretty good most of the time - as long as she is getting what she wants when she wants it, there is no problem. Talk about a temper though! She loves routine, which I think might have to do with her NICU beginnings as they are so regimented there, and my other babies couldn't have cared less about routine. Healthwise, she's great. Haven't has sleep study yet, but I don't think she has sleep aonoea. It was pretty obvious in my other girls. Despite all this, I am finding it very hard not to be paranoid about her. I think I could safely be described as neurotic now. I tried not to be, but I think I was with my last two as well, though maybe not quite so bad. Hopefully, once she passes the 12 week 2 day milestone, I will feel better. It just brings so much back. Same poses, same looks (except the hair), same cradle even. Sometimes I think I should get counselling, but then I think all I really want is for someone to guarentee me that my little girl will be okay, and no one can do that. Not for any of my girls. And that is just something I have to accept. Feel the fear and do it anyway - that's meant to encourage people to do things they're scared of. That's how I feel I'm living my life. And why I just love that song 'the Rose'. To experience love, you have to risk having your heart broken. Oh my, I have gone on!! It's 2:30am and the 'she who must be obeyed' has just woken

Hello to Numpty, Peanuthead, and to everyone else xxx

Thank you for thinking of my mum Mishtabel. She had her scan last week actually. It seems to be good news, they say the cancer has stopped. Which I think means it's stopped growing rather than shrunk but I'm still a bit confused. She lives in France so sometimes the translations can be hard to work out properly. Their words were "the maladie has stopped" - maladie meaning disease, just not quite sure to what degree they meant that it had stopped. They are going to put her on another course of Chemo, I think for 3 months, and then scan again. Hopefully that will get the bugger!

Sorry to hear about your MIL. I hope your man is bearing up. It's good that they caught it early though. Same with my mum. It does give a better chance of getting through it and coming out the other side.

Lovely to hear that Bella is doing so well.

Cantdo, so sorry you are feeling so anxious. I suppose it's inevitable to have a constant fear of something going wrong after such a lot of heartache.

If only there was some sort of oracle who could just tell us all that everything will be ok!

Afternoon all!

Can?t I think Burlesque might be the new thing to do on hen weekends yes ? and to everyone else I did indeed join in! It might have felt a tad inappropriate if I had of had a bigger bump but luckily it?s still not very noticeable ? I have another hen do in May and we are doing pole dancing!! Think I will sit that one out for sure

Kittens I?m back at work full time right now on a 3 month contract as an ad agency I used to work at (the boyfriend also works here which is funny) they have been so good helping me out when to be honest I was in a bit of a dire situation financially. I finish up here mid May which will hopefully coincide with the move to Brighton, I?m watching my money right now as after that I?m just going to enjoy my time off. I?m so glad to hear your mums scan brought good news that must be a big relief for you all and I will keep everything crossed you managed to catch the egg this month, from your past history it certainly sounds like you have a good shot!

Mishtabel how lovely to hear from you, thanks for the Bella update I?m very pleased to hear she is so suited to her name. I?m sure it?s natural to still feel quite neurotic (I think we are all quite neurotic on here) but as you say hopefully that will pass as she gets older ? how many weeks is she now? I?ll also be keeping my fingers crossed for you MIL too ? it sounds like she is a real fighter!

Can?t so sorry to hear you are feeling anxious, I suppose it?s inevitable but you are so very close now it won?t be long before you get to hold your beautiful baby in your arms and all of those worries will fade away. Numpty I hope you are managing to get a bit more rest and that DS is getting used to his new duvet (I like the small of pet shops BTW!)

Love to Littlepoot, Peanuthead, Allstars, Shangrila, Mimsy, Nik & Katerina and anyone else i may have missed ? hope you are all ok?

Katie xxx

All,

A really quick post to say hello. I am still here lurking but just not up to posting much lately. A very close friend of mine died unexpectedly following an operation on the 10th March (a year and a day after our termination.) Her funeral is on Monday (29th, day of our first loss in 2001.) I have been having quite a tough month. Feels awful to have a month that is so full of loss.

It is nice to keep reading your messages though. I am hoping that come April I will turn a corner and be able to move on slightly.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend allstars, what a tough time for you. You must be feeling very battered by it all.

I'm a bit nervous. I'm meeting up with a couple of old friends tonight. One of whom is expecting a baby in May. Fortunately it's a male friend so I won't have to stare at a bump all night. The other friend is a girlfriend who has a baby, who was born around the same time I was due with my second pregnancy so I'm anticipating a lot of baby talk and excitement about the impending arrival. I was fine until about 20 mins ago and then I started feeling a bit tentative. He is one of the people I refered to in a much earlier post about old friends all talking about having kids and babies and me feeling like a bit of a failure! Oh well, I do really want to see him before he has the baby as I probably won't get a chance to see him for ages after that so I'll have to grit my teeth and see if I can steer the subject on to other things.

Hello all - grabbing a quick post while DS sleeps. Sorry not to be around very much at present. There just never seem to be enough hours in the day.

I wanted primarily to say hi to Can't and to tell you that I really understand. Mishtabel's thoughts on the stresses and strains of pregnancy and particularly late pregnancy echo my experience so accurately, it's quite uncanny. It seems that we are/were all feeling the same. Lins too, I'm sure. You know, we really should have leaned on each other, shouldn't we?

I had an amazing seven scans with DS, and it was only for the very last one that I wasn't a complete basket case. It was only then (39 weeks) that I could bear to look at the screen with anything resembling hope. But still, the last weeks and days were unbearable. I had become so used to things going wrong, I couldn't trust that things might go well. The waiting for kicks, the panic when movement slowed never went away. The last day or so of early labour was unbearable. I was convinced that DS would get distressed, stuck, that he would suffer the most ghastly of traumas.

In the end, it was a relief when labour was established and I could concentrate on the job in hand. I had a nothing short of brilliant midwife who had herself lost a baby to T21 too and she guided me through it - physically and emotionally. And it was fine.

So, I'm sorry that I have no coping strategies to impart. I didn't cope well, I hated it but I got through - and so will you. Having read Mishtabel's thoughts, I wish I'd shared these feelings here, on a regular basis. I just felt that voicing my fears would make them happen. Ridiculous. My panic stopped me from using an easy source of help and were I to do it all again (which is never going to happen ), I would bore you all senseless with how I felt. You can always call me or email, if you think it would help.

Looking back now, I'm in such a happy place but if I have one regret, it's that I never really settled into the pregnancy, relaxed a little. I never even tried to. It was fine all along but I never gave it the chance to be and that makes me sad. So, you will feel whatever you feel. Go with it and talk about it. Sorry to be so useless.

Short update on us - we are smiley and doing well. DS is enormous and has started to smile, which makes me wide. He is putting on good amounts of weight and is sleeping through the night. We have his first development check next month and I will be on heightened alert then - so the anxiety never stops. And DD adores him, she's like a second mother. Which brings its very own heart-stopping moments! DH and I are doing well, although he says it can be wearing at times to live with someone who resides on planet euphoria. Enough of the gushing! Hope it isn't too inappropriate.

School run calls, but my best to you all. And so sorry for your tough time allstars and hoping that April is a turning point for you and many others here. x

Oh Allstars you poor thing you must be heartbroken. I can?t imagine what a tough time you are going through right now with so much to deal with. Don?t feel under pressure to post though, lurk away but know we are here whenever you need.

Kittens I understand you must be nervous about tonight ? do either of your friends know about what you have been through? If not I guess it?s inevitable that there will quite a bit of baby talk given their situations but you are one brave lady and you will get through it. If it all gets a bit much perhaps you could make your excuses and leave a little early? xxx

The girlfriend knows of most of my traumas except the latest one but the male friend doesn't. Although funnily enough the last time I saw him was on his birthday about 3 years ago at a cocktail bar and I couldn't drink the cocktails as I was pregnant for the first time.

I'm sure it will be fine. I'm quite candid so if it does get uncomfortable I could probably say something. I don't want to detract from his excitement though as it's only fair that he should be able to chat to our other friend about it. Maybe I'll just go to the loo or the bar if it gets too much.

Shangrila, lovely to hear from you. So glad you have found such joy after your fearful pregnancy. Sounds like all's going well.

Allstars, I am so sorry for your loss. March seems a tough month for you indeed. I hope the funeral gives you a chance to focus your grief and commemorate your friend, and that April brings lighter days with it.

Kittens -- you'll be out now. Hope it's not too bad. So often anticipation is worse than the reality of facing baby talk - but I recommend brief tripettes to the bar where necessary. Pregnancy can be a very self-absorbed time!

Shangrila and Mishtabel, thank you so much for your honest replies. I find it hard to admit to being anxious not least I promised myself not to let this affect me too much. But of course I am, and we all are. Your healthy little babies give us all so much hope. And the happiness you feel shines through your posts - it's really life-affirming. I don't have long to go now - saw consultant yesterday and had another scan (I've been scanned every 4 weeks since 12 weeks which has been a godsend - I will never complain about NHS maternity care in this respect) and am booked in for an elective C-section in just under three weeks when will be 39 weeks and 2 days. I had an emergency section with DD, and this seemed like the safest, sanest option for me over the unknowns of a VBAC. Above all I feel now I won't have the nightmares about reliving the labour with my 20 week baby last year.

Anyway it's so lovely to hear about your babies and how they are growing. They will be rolling over before we know it!

Hi Katie, Numpty, etc - hope all's okay...

Hi all

Lots to catch up on here - was in London for work yesterday (went down on overnight sleeper the night before) and seems like I've missed loads.

Mishtabel - thank you for the Bella update, so good that it seems she doesn't have apnea. I don't think the worry ever stops, as you say you just have to feel the fear and go with it. I guess I'm thinking more in terms of the whole parenting lark - the learning to let go. I'm pretty relaxed with DS just now because the furthest he tests his independence is to ask me not to follow him when we are at the glasshouse in our local Botanic Gardens (ie he goes out of my sight, but only for a few seconds - and I usually stalk him !). However I remember a relative asking my Mum how she could let me go round Europe on my own when I was 25! And for you particularly, having the experience you've had, how could you not feel fear for her? I hope all continues to go well, and also for your MIL.

Kittens - so glad your Mum seems to be getting on OK (and well done Mishtabel for remembering scan date, my brain is fuzz for these things just now). Good luck with TTC too... Hope the chat with friends went OK tonight.

Katie - visions of pole dancing with a bump, don't think it would give quite the desired effect (let alone the affect on your balance!). Belly dancing would be different mattter...

Allstars - so sorry to hear of the death of your friend, what a horrid shock and amidst so many other 'bad' anniversaries. I truly hope that April is a more gentle month for you.

Can't and Shangrila - even first time around I was nervous about things going wrong at the end; I knew DS would be late and worried about induction (which I eventually had due to low amniotic fluid - 'sign of a failing placenta' as they helpfully told me at the hospital...) and you do hear of sad stories of things going wrong. But balancing those out are the many more stories that don't get told of things not quite going to plan but on the other hand all working out fine. I guess we all tend to go by our previous experiences - and now I'm only going by what happened with DS, having passed the milestone for DD. And with DS I was induced, it wasn't ideal, but he was fine and I was fine. I guess I'm just trying to take it a day at a time and not look too far ahead; and when I don't feel kicks I know it's usually because my focus has been elsewhere (and then I either do the annoying belly jiggle that sonographers do, or drink a cold glass of water as others on here have advised - I usually get a kicking then...). I don't know if it would help but the NCT have a helpline for concerns in pregnancy and related to birth - they were very helpful when I rang them last time. AND only 3 wks to go now, Cant - time will fly!

Shangrila - I am so pleased to hear how happy you are, and how well your DS is getting on (and sleeping through the night too - lucky you!). Please do gush, it is lovely to hear - and I laughed out loud at your DH's grump about living with someone from planet Euphoria!

LittlePoot, Nik, Peanuthead, Mimsy, Katerina and Lins - hope all is OK with you and yours...

Last night wasn't too bad. There was a lot of talk about babies, NCT classes etc but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend.

I just heard back from the midwife about the test results after my mmc. All came back clear so although it's unfortunate that the pregnancy didn't work out there was no sign of chromosome problems. That's good to know. Maybe there's some hope for me after all!

Hi Kittens - glad you got your results quite quickly, and although it's sad news related to the loss of your last pregnancy, I'm sure at least knowing there's not a chromosomal pattern will make you more hopeful about TTC this time. Really hope it goes OK, fingers crossed!

Hi all. Sorry for the disappearing act - I've been lurking a bit in the background but things have been so manic this week I've not really had time to write anything sensible. Hope everyone's ok. It seems like a very busy time for anniversaries and difficult events at the moment, here and in the other room. Same here really - this weekend is the first anniversary of finding out I was pregnant the first time - what a year.

Allstars - I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I hope you're doing ok.

Can't - so close now! I'm excited for you, even though I know you're feeling anxious. And so many more on the way - it's great to see. Fingers crossed we've all got some better news coming this year.

Katie - I'm really pleased you were able to fess up and get some support from your girls. When are you moving?

Kittens - how are you feeling now after the news from the hospital? I've got an appointment mid-April to see if they get any results from mine. I'm not sure whether I want it to have been a chromosomal problem or not - if it's not then at least I'll know I can make 'normal' babies, but they're no use to me if they don't survive either. Sorry - you were sounding really positive, so I shouldn't pass on my doubts! Hope the TTC is going well. We're definitely back on track, and I've stopped being quite such a bitch, but no sign of a period just yet. My friend at work who lost a baby with anancephaly last year has just found out she's pregnant again, so I'm concentrating on getting her through! It would be perfect if I got pregnant soon again as well and we can hopefully both be pushing babies round the park by next spring. In the meantime, off to the in-laws for tea so I'd better go get ready. Love to Numpty, Shangrila, Mishtabel, Lins and all the rest of you fabulous ladies too. xxx

I feel similar to you LittlePoot. I am relieved to hear that it wasn't a chromosome problem so I feel some optimism that there's a chance of having a 'normal' baby but then hearing that 'it's just one of those things' or 'just my age' that were the cause makes me feel like there are no straws to clutch at really we just have to see what fate has in store for us.

I think I've swapped places with you LittlePoot. I'm very grumpy at the moment and my boyfriend is driving me up the wall a bit! Hasn't got in the way of TTC though.

It's just a merry little rollercoster isn't it?! I've found something else to distract myself with though at the moment. On our trip to the in-laws last night, DH's baby sister (21) confessed to me in tears that her on-off boyfriend is, frankly, abusive. Any suggestions how to ween her off him greatfully received. xx

Oh dear, sorry to hear that LittlePoot.

It's good that she's been able to tell you - I guess that's a first step. What are the practicalities - do they live together? If not, and if she's still at her parents, that makes things easier (ie she doesn't have to contemplate moving herself/her stuff out without facing said abusive boyfriend).

She has to realise that even though each time he says he'll not do it again (I'm guessing he does this), he will unless he radically changes. And if he doesn't change, she'll be the punching bag. If she's already realised this and is just afraid of what will happen if she does get out of the relationship, it's not going to be any easier however long she leaves it. I guess she needs to plan on what she'll do, and how to prevent him hassling her if that's what worries her. If she has a separate social life/group of friends, can they be her support? Sorry not got direct experience of this, so can only offer my thoughts..

Thanks Numpty - wise advice. Luckily she's living with her parents so it won't be as complicated as it could be. The problem is that it's actually him that dumped her and she's gutted and 'still loves him' so I'm worried he'll be back and she'll be pleased to take him back. We had a really long chat last night and I tried to get some of that through to her. As for friends, he pretty much isolated her from them, but there are one or two I hope she can lean on. Thanks! xxx

Perhaps get her to see it from another point of view. What if one of her friends came to her with a story of how their boyfriend was treating them badly and had dumped them? I'm guessing she would offer support but also say that they were better off without him... if she can see it that way it might help.

Sometimes no matter what we do we can't change situations to the way we would want them to be. She has to see the reality of the situation, not what she hopes that reality might become. She also has to believe there are other BETTER possibilities for her future. I once briefly hooked up with someone addicted to drugs, didn't know it at the time (thought he was reformed) but he then stole morphine from someone on cancer treatment. I'd already split up with him by then as felt that something wasn't right/honest about the relationship (it was too secret, for one thing!) but at the time I felt awful because I thought if I'd realised I could have supported him and prevented this from happening. But actually he was a liar and a cheat, and continued to lie and cheat. I was WELL better off without him... and now have a very lovely, attractive, trustworthy DH. Boy am I glad things didn't work out before!

Hi all,

Littlepoot, it's so good that your SIL felt she could confide in you. I don't think there's much you can do besides let her know that she deserves so much better, that there are people to support her and just pray that he doesn't take her back (however much this might hurt her in the short term). I went through this years ago with one of my sisters, and it was so frustrating. I thought she was stupid to keep forgiving him, but then I saw his manipulation in action one day (tears, begging etc), and he almost had ME feeling sorry for him. I confronted him once only to end up with my tryes slashed and her going back to him yet again. Once, when he dumped her, he took just a little too long to come crawling back, and in the mean time, she had come to her senses and refused to take him back As Numpty said, no matter what we do, they have to come to their own decisions. Has she let you tell your DH about it? Would be very hard for a big brother I'd imagine. Sounds like you're doing everything you can

Allstars, I'm so sorry for the loss if your friend. I hope today isn't too hard for you

Kittens, I'm glad your mums scan seems to have gone well. Yes it must be hard with the translations - hard enough for the layperson to understand medical terminology at the best of times. I'm guessing your mum and her man have a good understanding?
My MIL didn't end up having a scan. They decided to leave it for a few months as she has had so many already and hasn't got any current symptoms anyway. So she flew to Melbourne for a 20 minute consultation! (melbourne's about a 2hr flight from here). As for my man, he is coping well. He is the kind who will worry about something when it happens and not a minute before. His attitude has annoyed me at times cause I don't think he takes things seriously enough, but in situations like this, when no amount of worry will change the outcome either way, it's probably a good way to be.
Glad your night with your friends wasn't too bad.

Shangrila, how lovely to hear from you. Yes, we three really should have leaned on each other. There's comfort in numbers. Although I do remember Lins saying something about being scared for herself and her family. We could have all reassured each other that our fears were normal. At least we can reassure can't that to feel that way doesn't mean anything in the end (even if we can't stop her actually feeling the fear). Oh and you so deserve to be able to gush! Euphoric is a wonderful place to be (I'm there too when I can control my fears)

And Numpty, I know what you mean - the worry never stops I suppose. In a couple of years, I'm sure I'll be looking back to now, thinking how easy I had it when my kids were at least under my control. My daughter turned 15 yesterday. In a couple of years, she'll be driving, staying out late, going in cars with boys etc. All the things I used to do I suppose. We watch travel shows now and I encourage my girls to travel the world before they have kids (as I never did). When it comes time that they might just do it, i'm sure I'll be terrified to let them go (can see myself now, hiding behind the Sphinx, like you behind a plant at the glasshouse )

Ooooo, Cant, not long to go! Hope your getting some rest now. Hard with a little one already in tow I suppose. She is going to love having her very own doll!

Hi to Katie and everyone else. How you going Peanuthead? I've gone on way too long again - must get something done before kids get home from school

Xxxx

Hi katiecubs. I seem to remember you had a scan today. Is that right? If so, I hope it went well.

Wondering how Mimsystar is. I saw that she'd taken herself of the "December TTC Bus" as she wasn't up to trying again yet. I hope you're doing ok Mimsy if you're reading.

Katie - was also wondering if it was your scan today, hope it goes well... xx