support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities

[katiecubs]

Hi girls - i hope this becomes a useful area

Excellent news, Peanuthead. Great to get the scan behind you.

I'm another one who went with counselling, following a difficult post tx pregnancy. That, and talking to whoever is appropriate is a good way forward. It's particularly difficult when the detail of our pregnancy histories isn't widely known. Just about everyone expects us to be head over heels, when often all we feel is dread. And don't get me started on scans... Anyway, you're doing well in exceptionally difficult circumstances. And welcome to the thread! (I'm an interloper here - as my boy is now 5 weeks old. But I like it here and plan to stick around, as long as I can serve some useful purpose and nobody minds!)

Can't and Numpty - things are moving on a pace! Thinking positive here, if either of you need a tens machine, I bought one just recently and did well with it. Let me know if you'd like me to send it on to either of you. And Katie, just revel in that budding bump!

Kittens - great tip about the nappies. We are spending a fortune! I used Persona all those years ago with DD and found it a great help. We conceived first time round. The smiley face OPKs are good too. Will be watching out for your progress!

Love to LittlePoot, allstars, mimsy and all others. Speak soon. xxxx

Hi Peanuthead, I?m so glad to see you here! Congratulations on your pregnancy and scan. I?m assuming from your post that you are at St Thomas hospital? I?m there too and so your descriptions struck a chord. I got pregnant after my first period and to be honest I was just a bundle of nerves before my nuchal, I?ve relaxed a little since but I?m still very anxious. I?m 17.5 weeks now and I?ve still not told many people but am slowly starting to do so ? when I tell people they are obviously very happy and I allow myself to get caught up in the excitement but then afterwards I feel angry that I let myself get carried away, and then I?m angry that I?m angry that I let myself get carried away! Shouldn?t I be allowed to get excited about having a baby at some point!

In terms of your worries over bonding issues I wonder if you may have some of these issues whether you had, had egg donation or not (although I?m obviously not denying that adds another dimension)? I.e. in that it?s also a protection mechanism ? not allowing ourselves to get too excited or bond with our babies we are carrying for fear of losing them again. I?m sure Lins had the exact same issue with her recent pregnancy and the counselling really helped, I also remember her describing all the love she felt for Franklin when he was born.

Anyway stick around and lurk or post whenever you need, as Kittens has said this place is a blessing and has helped me cross so many hurdles so far (scans, due date and general neurotic episodes). I?m really very hopeful and happy for you even though right now it is a struggle to feel that yourself.

Oh and Shangrila definitely stick around, you are such a such a help and inspiration to people on this thread and we would miss you greatly if you went! Xxx

P.s Kittens keep us updated on the TTC. I used OPK?s myself too and found then a great help as my cycles were so long post tx I had no idea when I would ovulate. Great news that yours seem to have sorted themselves out so quickly!

Hi ladies

Just popping by quickly to say congrats to Peanuthead on the scan. I'm another one who had very close-together dates - the due date of our first baby was a week before the nuchal scan for my current pregnancy, and I was a real mess in the run up to it, particularly as my husband was abroad for work for the three weeks immediately prior to the nuchal. I would echo the others in saying that it sounds like you might benefit from talking to someone about all the stuff you have going on. We had a couple of sessions of counselling immediately after the termination, and while I actually didn't get on very well with it (definitely think counselling suits some people more than others), I'm very glad we gave it a go, and I think it helped me and my husband in our talks together. The first anniversary of the termination falls a few days before I'm due with this baby, and I'm not sure how that will feel, but am trying to stay positive.

I think it's slightly different for everyone, Katie, depending on the stage at which they found out their own awful news, but I found that I still couldn't be truly positive about this pregnancy until well after the 12 week scan. Actually the 20 week scan was the real turning point - I still have plenty of days of negativity and doubt, but these are now outweighed by positive ones! I'm sure the same will be true for you, too.

Also wanted to say Hi to Cantdo - so nearly there for you now. I think you're about five weeks ahead of me - I'm a couple of days short of 30 weeks now - the latest mini-milestone for me (I find thinking about the pregnancy so much easier if I break it down into mini-milestones).

Hi to everyone else as well. Pleased to hear that everything is going well with your boy, Shangrila! I have been away on holiday for a couple of weeks but have been catching up this week on everyone's news.
K x

Only popping in very quickly to check up on everyone but couldn't rush off without saying an enormous hello to peanuthead. I know we've 'talked' in the other room/thread before, but I'm just so happy that your scan went well. I think there are many wise words from others already on how to deal with how you think you should or should not be feeling, and I haven't got anything very intelligent to add. I'm feeling strangely ok after my recent miscarriage, so obviously denial is my favoured coping strategy. I'm sure that if/when I'm pregnant again that denial will no longer be an option and then I'll be back to burden you all, but for now I'm 'blissfully' in la-la land acting like nothing ever happened. So I guess what I'm trying to say peanut is that I'm also not feeling what convention would have me believe I should be. But I'm going to stick with la-la land as long as I can. Much love xxx

Sorry - a PS.

After all the talk (in here/other thread? sorry - am forgetting) about high dose folic acid and potential linkage to trisomies, I did a little bit of internet research myself. I found an interesting set of articles suggesting there might be a link between low folic acid levels and incorrectly-chromosomally-filled sperm. They haven't taken the studies far enough yet to show that this would translate into men's dietary folic acid intake having an effect on their women successfully making babies, but I've put DH on my folic acid tablets as a precaution anyway.... just thought I'd share.

x

Dear Peanuthead - so glad your viability scan went well, though I can understand the 'not feeling as expected' bit (and am so sorry to hear you had so much hanging around to do at the hospital - 7hrs in one place with a toddler, yikes!). I think those feelings of 'lack of joy' are similar for anyone who has lost a baby in pregnancy - I didn't 'believe' this pregnancy until the very scary 14/15wk scan showed all was going OK (even the nuchal scan didn't quite reassure me, though it did help a bit). And it is horrid going back to the same places that you received bad news, as those memories are so strong it is hard to override them with any neutral expectation. I don't know whether it gets better the more you end up going back, whether you get desensitized to the intensity of sad 'location-based' memories by having different ones to overlay them.

But obviously there are other major differences that having egg donation means to you. When Lins had her counselling it was because she was trying to come to terms with having a boy, as the two babies she lost were both girls. So perhaps that is something of a correlation (though obviously only a shade of what your situation is). However I guess the counselling helped Lins; and I think her major major turning point was giving birth, seeing her little boy and knowing that whatever else had happened, she loved him more than she had ever realised she could. So I don't think you have to bond now, just yet. I don't think I've really bonded yet and I'm 24wks... but I also think I'm better bonding with a baby than a bump, once there's a personality and a little person there for me to hold. And even then it took me a little while with DS! So bonding, love, call it what you will, isn't something that just flies into your heart and announces itself. It can grow, and will grow. xx

Having said I'm not exactly bonding, I don't think that's the same as feeling more confident/calm about BEING pregnant and the hopes for a good outcome. After the last scan at 18wks and particularly having been signed off into midwife care, I feel calm and settled. I'm also happy for people to know I'm pregnant now (well, it's pretty obvious), though when people say 'how exciting' I don't exactly agree; I'm just settled. But settled is good.

Ah Numpty, that is glorious news. I love the idea of 'settled' and am glad that you have now found a calmer place in this pregnancy. I didn't manage it myself but am absolutely delighted for you that you are in this frame of mind. Settled is most certainly a good place to be. x

Peanuthead, just wanting to say woo-hoo! Glad your scan went well, although 7hr wait and with a toddler -I think I would find it hard to muster up excitement for anything after that. I agree with Numpty, that bonding can happen at different times for different people. So although I think it's good that your acknowledging your feelings now instead of denying them, I also think you shouldn't worry too much. Babies have a way of making sure we love them. I never really bond during pregnancy - worry madly, yes, but for me, like Numpty, the bonding happens when the baby arrives. After losing DD1, I had so many fears when pregnant with DD2, that once she was here, and I realised she couldn't replace DD1, that I would secretly resent her (I wrote a big speil about this to you once before, but I think you were still overseas). Well, long story short, I didn't - fears totally unfounded. And I know your situation is different, with egg donation and all, but just saying maybe your fears about bonding will be unfounded too. Maybe counselling will help you though. Also, you have had to deal with the whole coming off your meds thing too - go easy on yourself. In the meantime, I hope you don't mind if we all get excited for you!

I am excited for ALL the impending thread babies here - just wish I could pop in and visit, bearing gifts, when the babies do arrive.

I hope those TTC feel comfortable to stay here - would be a shame to see you go. I, like Shangrila, don't actually 'belong' to this thread in the literal sense anymore, but I have come to care about all of you, and love to drop in and hear your news. To share the excitement with the good news, and the dissapointment with the bad. I was going to join a TTC thread once upon a time, but couldn't understand all the acronyms - worse than trying to decipher my kids text messages.

Numpty, I agree, settled is good, although I never actually managed this myself either (waves to Shangrila). DH used to say 'it's your last pregnancy, just try to relax and enjoy it'. Ha, yeah right, whatever! Now would you believe he is suggesting we have another one. He was working away when he first suggested it so I didn't say what I really thought at the time, which was something like 'You have GOT to be joking'. Since he has come home, I have told him that physically and emotionally I don't think I could go through another pregnancy again (I know I couldn't). And I'm even older now, so risks are higher. Just feel blessed with what we have, and more than happy to stop here. He just says 'We'll see what happens'. I don't suppose he will be getting his vasectomy any time soon then (have had my script for the pill filled though!)

Good to see you Katerina. Glad everything is going well

Littlepoot, looking forward to you coming back to 'burden' us all soon

And a big hello to everyone else (gotta go as I have just had some parcels delivered - eBay stuff, goody!) xxxxx

Morning everybody ? Happy Friday (particularly for all of us at work!)

Hi Katarina, lovely to hear from you and I?m so glad to hear everything is well and you are 30! weeks. I hope you had a lovely holiday ? did you go abroad? I am hoping to go on holiday in May and by that point I think most airlines require a doctors certificate. Not sure how easy that is to get sorted does anyone know?

Mishtabel lovely to hear from you. Gosh DH is keen isn?t he ? I guess he must be totally smitten with little Bella! I echo what you said to the TTC?ers in that I hope they feel comfortable to stay, it would be a real shame to lose anybody. And that definitely includes you and Shangrila and anyone else who doesn?t specifically fit in with the thread title ? perhaps we can change the next one to something more inclusive of all of us!

LP, glad you are doing well even if you do have your head in the clouds a bit, it sounds quite nice up there. Good luck with the TTC when it comes round ? sending lots of fertile vibes your way (and to all the others too!)

Big wave also to Can?t, Numpy, Kittens, Mimsy, Allstars, Nik any anyone else I?ve missed ? hope you all have lovely weekends xxx

Hello there again

Katie - not only did we go abroad, but we went literally to the other side of the world! Not something I would ordinarily have contemplated at this stage of the pregnancy, but my brother was getting married and I really did want to be there. All went swimmingly, and we really enjoyed what was, fingers crossed, our last holiday just as a couple for a while.

Getting a doctor's letter for the airlines is pretty much a formality, as long as the pregnancy is straightforward, so definitely get planning for May (I think that would make you something between 25-30 weeks?). I have been seeing my GP rather than a midwife for the regular monthly check-ups anyway, so just asked for it at the check-up nearest our holiday date. The doctor was very relaxed about it - just told me to make extra-sure to drink lots of water and walk about lots during the flight (especially as our trip was so long haul) - and typed out a 2-sentence letter there and then saying that my pregnancy was straightforward and I was fit to fly. I wasn't asked for it on the way out but I was at check-in on one of the flights back - obviously the bump had grown in the meantime...!

Hello to all those I totally failed to mention yesterday by name - Numpty and Mishtabel in particular - as well as all the newer folks who I haven't "met" as much.

Have relaxing weekends everyone. K x

Thanks for the info Katerina ? seems pretty straight forward so I will indeed get planning! It must have been so nice to get some winter sun and of course be there for your brother?s wedding, I?m sure they were made up to see you and the bump xxx

oh oh, wish I had time to reply to you all and your lovely welcomes, but only have time to skim read and must rush off immediately but just wanted to say thank you and will post when I have the time to think and reply properly....

Been a bit quiet round here these past few days. Everyone doing ok?

I'm ok. Better now that my AF is out of the way too (all 48 hours worth!). Just got a v feint line on OPK today, gulp.... here we go again!

Hello Kittens my sweet - I was just thinking about you and logging on to see if you were ok. Glad AF's back on track and hope trying's not to trying, if you see what I mean. Me and the hubby have been a bit up and down, so not quite at the trying again stage just yet! We just keep fighting about stupid stuff. I guess neither of us are at our most tolerant and we really need to get out of the habit of taking it out on eachother. Nothing serious though so I'm sure all will be back on track soon enough.

I've been reading about all the mother's day meltdowns in the 'other room' - have to confess that I had one too. Not my favourite day of the year that's for sure, given the circumstances. Let's hope there will be some better news all round before the next one.

Anyway, enough about me. Hope everyone else is doing ok? How's that bump coming along Katie? Spring's nearly here, and only a few more weeks until the first new thread baby is due, so I think its time for some good luck and happy news. Love to all. xxx

Hi Kittens and Littlepoot!

I'm well thanks, nothing too exciting to report - the bump is definately growing but still not really noticeable to the outside world. I have a hen weekend in bath this weekend though so i am finally going to have to come clean to everyone, i think being forced into it is the only way! I think i would feel a bit better about telling people if i had had my anomaly scan first but hey ho. The scans on monday 29th and i'm getting very anxious about it now - i'm trying to think very positvely though.

LP sorry you and DH are bickering - i'm awful at taking things out my OH when i'm sad or angry. Do you have any holidays planned this year as a nice break may be just what the both of you need?

Kittens really hoping this is your month !!

xxxx

Hello Katie! Glad I'm not the only occasionally stroppy one around here.... We do actually have a holiday planned - just booked a 10 day trip to Egypt to see pyramids and sphinx and cruise down the Nile! This is now our third 'last big blow out holiday before babies' in about a year and a half.... Doing wonders for my photo albums, but can't say its doing the same for my bank balance. Still, we figure we're allowed.

Hope you enjoy your hen do at the weekend and really pleased you're going to finally brave telling the world! But yes - another scan coming up to worry yourself with. We'll be here to shepherd you through and celebrate the good news when it comes. One day at a time sweetie, and you'll be out the other side before you know it. OK, maybe that's a bit of a lie - clearly this has the potential to be one of the longest two weeks of your life, but you will get to the other side and we'll do all we can to help you along the way. xxx

Ah thanks Littlepoot that is very comforting to know

I am very jealous of your holiday by the way ? I have always wanted to do a Nile cruise, it will be amazing!

Hi all

Kittens, good luck with the whole TTC again. It's all a bit of a treadmill, isnt it! You deserve some better luck though, you really do.

Littlepoot, I have found that loss of babies initially brought me closer to DH and then by making us both unhappy actually led to arguing and general all-round grumpiness. I'm sure it's normal. The holiday sounds fantastic - a good plan.

Katie, the scan is really soon. I was terrified before mine after what happened to me last time. You really, statistically, have no need to worry; I know it's impossible not to, though. Do you plan to find out the sex? Glad the bump is appearing!

My baby is due in less than a month! Scary stuff...

Wow Cantdo, it's just around the corner. How exciting!

LittlePoot, I was quite similarly stroppy too. I'm sure it will settle down. I felt a lot better after AF. I think just as your hormones start to settle from the pregnancy they soar back up with PMT which kind of magnifies all the anger, sadness and frustration as it does with other things in life usually. I hope you feel better soon.

Katie, good luck breaking the news. I'm sure you'll feel much lighter once you've let on. Have fun at the hen weekend.

Hope your weekend is going well Katie, though I guess you won't have the chance to log on. I know what you mean about wishing you had the scan prior to telling people, but remember your nuchal was good and if you'd never had a problem previously that you'd probably have told everyone about your pregnancy by now. It's just that having had a problem once, we become so much more cautious. I hope the next week passes quickly for you until your scan; I think the waiting is worse than being there and getting it over.

Kittens and LittlePoot (and any other from the 'other thread' who may be lurking and TTC) I hope things go well, either with TTC or just with getting a sense of life back on track. If that makes sense.

I think I'm losing the ability to think/post properly just now, I'm feeling very stretched (I mean literally, abdomen feels like it wants to pop) and tiredness is not helping me tune into people's feelings. I feel really bad about a post I put on someone else's thread a day or so back, where they were looking for hope and I basically said how they could manage if the news was bad. I think it's just that there have been so many sad, bad stories and new people joining the sister thread that I'm not so good at encouraging people to have hope, only to lose it - rather I'm giving the bad news in the hope they won't need it. But that probably put horrid fear into this girl's mind... sigh. So I'm going to hold back from posting on other threads for the mo until my sensitivity antenna have recovered. Also I guess that having got past 20wks pregnant I'm now thinking that in another 20wks I'll be giving birth - and remembering that there are things I'll want to do better this time (like breathing! and not pushing when crowning!).

Can't and Katerina, hope you are both doing well and are not feeling too big/tired yourselves... and Peanuthead and Allstars, hope things are OK with you too. xxx NM

Hi everyone. Katie, hoped you enjoyed your weekend

Just quickly wanted to say to Numpty, not to feel bad about the post on the other thread. I know the one you mean only cause I posted there too. Numpty, you didn't take away her hope, I'm sure. More than likely her results will come back fine, but in the event that they did not, you would have shown her that she was not alone. When I was pregnant in 2008 (the T21 pregnancy)while waiting for my cvs, I posted on a thread at a site similar to mumsnet, bubshub, and I heard back from people that had had good results and people that hadn't. I appreciated all those that had taken the time and effort to post, not just the ones who had had a happy ending. And when my own results came back as positive for Downs, I knew there were people there with some understanding. Anyway, hope you know what I mean - although so much for 'quickly'?

Hi to everyone else, will get back tomorrow (dh's last day at home for the week, so I had better make an effort ). Xxxx

Morning Ladies,

I had a lovely time at the hen weekend thanks, we rented out an amazing town house in bath, played lots of games, did a burlesque dancing class and went to the spa. It was really quite interesting being sober when everyone else is drunk, you learn and retain quite a lot!

I told everyone my news and everyone was so happy for me, I also told a few more close friends about losing my first baby and it was like a burden had been lifted ? they were so understanding and gave me big hugs. Scan is a week today, I know the odds are on my side and everyone is telling me not to worry so hopefully all will be ok. Can?t I?m not finding out the sex no, in fact I would be really disappointed if they let it slip by mistake ? I really want a surprise!

Numpty you sound exhausted you poor thing ? don?t worry about your post on the other thread, I often wonder myself on how to reply to threads like that and if my experience would help at all. When I posted a similar topic after my bad scan I found that most people only posted positive stories which in a way gave me false hope that everything would be ok. I also found that more people tended to update their threads if they had good news, all of this made me feel quite alone so I think it?s really important to give both sides of the story even if at the time it might not be what the poster wants to hear. Anyway I hope your weekend was nice and relaxing!

How was everyone else?s weekends? xxx

Hi all!

Numpty, I posted on that same thread. I think actually the OP had said that the consultant performing the CVS suspected the worst - and I can see why you reached the conclusion you did. I agree with the others - those kinds of threads need all kinds of experiences in them. And you did give good advice. So don't be hard on yourself! Hope the tummy is feeling less stretched and you're a bit less tired today.

Katie, well done on telling people and the hen w/e sounds fun. Is burlesque the new hen-do trendy thing to do? I know lots of people now who've done that on hen days recently... oh and try not to worry about the anomaly scan (easier said than done!). Also about the sex - I have never found out the sex at an anomaly scan (by my own choice) but this time around even had I wanted to, the baby was just too active for them to see!

Hi Mishtabel. Can we have a Bella update please? how is she doing?

Hi Kittens and LittlePoot, hope you are doing okay - and that the TTC works quickly, Kittens.

I am fine. Getting larger - and I'm small, so it's not an attractive look - but happy with it, and still not particularly uncomfortable unless doing a lot of bending down/walking/housework. I just feel so lucky to have got this far....

Thanks Mishtabel, Katie and Can't for your reassurance that my other post was not as insensitive/'hopeless' as I felt it was the other day. I hope things are OK with that family...

Katie - you're right, I AM feeling tired. We started using a duvet with DS last week and the last few nights he's woken crying for various reasons at around 3am. We're so lucky that he normally sleeps well, so getting interrupted nights are rare but on the other hand I'm not used to them like I was when he was young, and can't get back to sleep so easily. So I then wake at 5am, 6am, wake before the alarm goes at 7am... yawn. So that doesn't help me feel on top of life just now. Anyway I've now got some wheatgerm oil, so even if I smell a little of pet shop (hay bales, not 'other' smells!) at least my tummy is feeling a bit more elastic.

I'm glad you had a great hen weekend - burlesque sounds fun! I had belly dancing at my hen do, which was a laugh. Glad you were also able to share your sad times with some of your close friends too and feel more supported.

Mishtabel - echoing Can't, a Bella update would be lovely

Can't - so glad you are getting on OK and not feeling too heavy/cumbersome. Do you have much to prepare or is life just plodding along nicely?

Kittens - hope work is picking up and keeping you ticking along; and LittlePoot hope your work is going OK too.

Hi to everyone else I've forgotton to remember , xx NM