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support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities

1000 replies

katiecubs · 11/01/2010 13:33

Hi girls - i hope this becomes a useful area

OP posts:
busierbee · 12/01/2010 17:12

Hello neighbours
Just wanted to pop around with a batch of muffins to welcome you to your new home!
And hello to Lins particularly as have not seen you for an age and you are so near now to the great day. Cannot believe it. Can remember so clearly you sending me the text - I think I had guessed anyway. I am delighted for you honey.
Littlepoots, I am sorry to hear of our loss but it sounds as if good news has landed on your doorstep. These ladies will keep you in good company.
Okay, popping back now, draughty hanging around on doorstep.
hugs and good wishes to you all
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cantdothisagain · 12/01/2010 19:36

Hi Bee,wish you were inside with us, but come in anytime. I like the idea that this thread will sit alongside our original thread as companions and we can wander between them.

Hi everyone else. I am sorry to hear other people've been through the hell too. I should admit that every scan is still traumatic for me - even now. My coping mechanism is to be grateful that I am pregnant and to just get on with everyday life and try to repress the demons. Congrats on the pregnancy, LittlePoot. The time will pass to the nuchal, you just have to get through it.

I've been induced and had a c-section, Lins - the one led to the other, as I believe is common. Actually despite that, my experience of induction was okay. And my experience of a c-section was very positive - I healed fine, didnt take painkillers much after the first 48 hours. It must be a lot more annoying if you have a toddler you need to pick up, though. I think I would hold fire if I were you and I could face waiting till next week to give the induction a better chance of working - but it depends how you feel.

So three births pending! so exciting.

NumptyMum · 12/01/2010 21:52

Hello all, just scanning the thread as it's been very busy and I can't be here long...

LittlePoot - I've peed on about 3 sticks too! Got faint line at first so tried again and got another faint line, bought more tests and tried again a few days later. Mind you I was also quicker off the mark with test this time than I was with DS as I never expected him to turn up so quick, left it until 6wks for him.

My story is that I have DS who is lovely, and coming up to 2.5, and would have been expecting Iola tomorrow except she died at 15wks. My hospital stopped giving routine nuchal scans so I wasn't going to have any testing, then at my delayed booking scan 13wks serious abnormalities showed up, and CVS confirmed she had patau's. Spent 2 wks googling and crying and feeling our way forward before deciding that ending the pregnancy would be best; then at a scan the day before we learned she had already died - a sad sad thing to see her dead on screen, even if we had been going to end the pregnancy, it wasn't something we wanted to do. Now I'm 16wks pregnant again; this time we were offered a nuchal which gave good results, and our 15wk scan last week looked reassuring... but I'm still not believing in this pregnancy. I keep telling myself that perhaps when I feel the baby moving, perhaps when I get the 20wk scan... I just need to believe what the hospital are telling me, that this time is different from last time and so far this baby is looking healthy and will live.

Enough of that. But it might explain why I keep buying clothes that I'll not be able to fit into in about 3wks time.

Lins - with DS I was induced (late, but mainly due to low amniotic fluid). I had a couple of sweeps first, then on the day I was booked to be induced my waters broke - hoorah! But my labour fizzled out and because my waters had gone I couldn't have the pessaries so it was straight onto the drip. I think if your body is ready and you have the pessaries, that can kick-start a natural labour, so the drip isn't inevitable. Going straight onto the drip was harder; but I didn't end up with a CS. Did end up getting a spinal but that was after DS was born! The friends that were induced that did end with a CS seemed to heal fine.

So much for being brief! Better go and do the washing up and this time I'm going to TRY and get to bed early... xx

Mishta · 13/01/2010 06:31

Numpty, thinking of you and your little Iola today (such a pretty name). I imagine it would be a day of mixed emotions for you xx

Lins, knew you were close. I was induced with my first - her head was still not engaged at 42 weeks. Was given a pessary to help 'ripen cervix' apparently. After an uneventful 4 hr labor she was with us. Saw ob today and my date has now been changed to 22nd again (sharing b'day with Tree's little one!)

Hello to everyone else. Going now to write what I assume will be lengthy post in 'mother' thread xx

linspins · 13/01/2010 08:05

Numpty, sending you much love on Iola's day. I think all the little ones are up there today playing snowballs or watching older angels play! But this is special snow that isn't cold, so you can play for as long as you want.
I found it very difficult to feel what I expected to feel on Daisy's due date because I as pregnant again. My brain refused to hold grief and hope side by side and I think this caused me inner turmoil that I didn't understand at the time. So I hope you are ok, and are able to have a bit of space today to just...feel? Thinking of you honey. xxxxxx

LittlePoot · 13/01/2010 09:23

Numpty, thanks for sharing your story and will be thinking of you today. I hope it passes peacefully. Ours would have been due just before Christmas, so the whole holiday was a little poignant. Not as bad as I was expecting. Only one meltdown, and that might have been more Christmas-stress induced. I hope you're ok today.

Morning to everyone else and all of the bumps (and bumps to be). We've got snow again here - I'm a bit over it though tbh. It's not even nice snow - more just kind of mushy, dirty slush. Just enough to ruin public transport, but not enough to have to stay home....

katiecubs · 13/01/2010 09:46

Numpty also thinking of you today and little Iola ? I hope you manage to have some special moments as well as the inevitable sad ones.

Kittens ? glad you are starting to feel a bit more terrible?! I am retching pretty much all day long right now ? feeling very sorry for myself but keep reminding myself that it?s a good sign things are progressing in a way they should be.

Littlepoot do you have any symptoms at all yet? I guess it will probably be too early ? this time I didn?t notice anything different until around 7 weeks I think.

Thanks for the muffins Bee

OP posts:
Havingkittens · 13/01/2010 09:57

Thinking of you today Numpty. Do you have anything special planned to help you through or mark the day?

Sooo, 3 ladies having babies this month. Hopefully there will be another little flurry of new babies at the end of summer too.

I wee'd on 3 sticks too. First two were v feint so I went and got the Clearblue one that actually says 'Pregnant'. So, I got my proper confirmation the day before Christmas eve. I actually didn't think I was pregnant until then. The main reason I did the test was that my 'PMT' was so extreme that I wanted to smoke (which I only do occasionally) so I thought, "oh god, I'd better make sure I'm not preggers before I go and raid the emergency roll ups" so, not PMT after all. Christmas eve, all the dinner at my family's was prawns and smoked salmon and then Crevettes (giant prawns) for Christmas lunch - which is my traditional Christmas lunch as I don't eat meat. Gulp. Anyway, I've decided that prawns are fine as long as they are fresh and well cooked. Luckily my autie has given up drinking so had lots of alcohol free beer and "pink champagne".

LittlePoot · 13/01/2010 10:02

Hi Katie - yes, my boobs definitely know something is up. They're not as pneumatic as they were last time (I very suddenly looked as though I had implants), but they're pretty solid (too much info?!). And I can't run any more, although apart from that the tiredness hasn't kicked in. I've got kind of mild stomach crampy feeling too - don't remember that from last time so hopefully isn't a portent of doom. I know there's nothing I can do about it now - I'm taking the supplements and eating (almost) healthily. So am trying not to (over)interpret too much. Just one day at a time, I know - but there are so many days! I'm not as patient as you guys seem to be...

At least I've run out of sticks, so I'll stop that now!

And Kittens - I too had an urge to smoke - at New Year, so a week before I took a test. Hadn't had a cigarette since the termination, and before that about 2 years 'clean'. What a strange early pregnancy craving!!

Bee - I have no doubt that you are the finest group of ladies to have found and I just hope I can be even half as supportive to someone as you have all been to me, as a lurker and as an 'official' poster. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been eavesdropping on the wise words and taking solace from them.

LittlePoot · 13/01/2010 10:27

Oh, and I've gone off chocolate. Annoying as I love it, but probably for the best...

Havingkittens · 13/01/2010 10:32

LittlePoot, being a lurker, you may have read a similar post from me a couple of weeks ago about the crampy feelings. Katie, who was 7 weeks then reassured me that this was normal and nothing to worry about so now I am taking the baton and passing the same reassurance to you! I had really strong implantation cramps this time, which I don't think I had before. I really thought I was about to get my period and then it still hadn't come a week later. Still getting the crampy feelings now but then, as Babycentre informs me, my uterus has now stretched to the size of a grapefruit - and I expect that not to hurt?

This is a fraught time for us all but try not to worry too much (says me!). All we can do after all is take things day by day.

My nausea has kicked in now. Brushing my teeth has become a hazardous activity - and there was me complaining about lack of symptoms....

LittlePoot · 13/01/2010 10:43

A grapefruit?! Wow - that could well explain the pains. Thanks very much for the reassurance. I do remember getting worse cramps and a bit of (quite light) bleeding at around 9 weeks last time. Midwife reassured me that's very normal, apparently 9 weeks is a prime time for some deeper implantation activity or something. So I can reassure you and katie if that happens. x

Hope you two are coping with feeling sick. Must make it harder not to let people know what's happening too. Fingers crossed it at least doesn't get any worse.

shangrila · 13/01/2010 11:58

Hello all. Briefest of messages from me as I am again marooned in the snow, without proper Internet access, just my phone. And it's impossible to send a lengthy, legible message from this phone. The joys of living in Wales!

Suffice to say, I am devouring your posts and will be in a position to support and comment (for what it's worth) when I get home. I am having to stay with a 'responsible adult' until I am finally admitted. Days are very long!

Anyway, I logged on to welcome allstarprincess and littlepoot. Holding out for the best of outcomes for you both. It's a little like a long haul flight. Occasional low cloud and turbulence along the way, but hopefully we'll all come in for a smooth landing.

And special thoughts today for Numpty and Iola. Both of you in my thoughts.

More later. x

allstarsprincess · 13/01/2010 12:58

Morning all. Glad you are all well.

Numptymum Hope you are OK today. I am thinking of you and Iola.

Thought I would share more about me today. I have been slowly spoonfeeding it out on other posts but today I am feeling up to setting it all out: Sorry for the long post in advance.

Lost a DD Harley to Anencephaly in March 2001. I was on the contraceptive injection when I fell and my doctor did not believe me when I told him that I was definitely pregnant. We were then messed about by the scanning system so only discovered late in the pregnancy. We had an induction and delivered her stillborn at 30 weeks after a 48 hour labour. She was perfect. My husband and I put it down to really bad luck and tried to move on as best we could. We did not want to try again as it did not feel right.

In 2004 we felt that enough time had passed and began again. We fell pregnant really quickly but lost at 8 weeks. Allowing ourselves another 6 months we fell again only to lose at 12 weeks. Once again we decided to give it a break. We were not taking any contraception at this time but letting nature take its course.

In December 2006 I discovered I was pregnant again. We were so excited but did not want to have to 'untell' people as we had in the past so waited until we got past 12 weeks. On the day that we told friends and family I began to bleed. I went along to the EPU who told me that the baby was fine, however they could see where the blood was coming from and it did not look good. I went home awaiting the inevitable. Thankfully it did not happen. A scan a week later showed a very healthy baby growing where it should be and no sign of any more bleeding.

I gave birth to my DD in September 2007. She is the greatest thing to have ever happened in my life so far.

Realising that we can have children and that our bad luck was behind us we began to try again. Again I feel pregnant really quickly. We made it past 12 weeks and had our scan scheduled on my husbands birthday hoping to tell our friends and family at his celebrations that evening.

As soon as I saw the ultrasound screen I knew something was wrong. Our Sonographer's hands started to shake and she got up from her seat and started trying to put more paper in the scanner printer. When she sat back down she gave us our news "Unfortunately you have the same condition as before, your child has Acrania" We did not believe it. We had been told that this would never happen to us again and here we were in the same room as we had originally been told about our first child facing the news again.

We had no choice but to terminate. Unfortunately as it was a friday we had to wait until Monday before they could carry out the procedure. We went to another hospital to have it done so as a sample could be taken for genetics and karotyping.

12 weeks later we went back to the hospital to receive our results. When called into the consultation room I was a bit nervous as we seemed to be having a gynae doctor giving us the news rather than genetics but my husband was saying "maybe they pass the results back the department that ordered them." No suck luck for us. The doctor explained that the tissue sample taken had come back with an unusual result. This could be due to 2 things; 1. The sample was damaged due to the nature of the operation and had included fetal cells in error. 2. The sample could actually be accurate but we need further testing. "Further testing for what?" I asked. "For a partial molar pregnancy." I was given the response.

So cue another 6 months of blood tests and scans whilst we were waiting for my HCG to reduce to less than 5 and check that there was no remaining tissue anywhere that would grow on. Because the hospital had not diagnosed me and my levels were not 'dangerously high' charing cross decided that an approach of monitoring me via this route was satisfactory. All this time I was unable to try again as this could set any tissue that was remaining back into action.

We sat and waited. Our results for the genetics test came through 24 weeks after they had been sent off. We met with a genetics consultant who took a complete family history and then told us that based on our conditions happening twice and the limited results they achieved from the karotyping etc we had a 1 in 4 chance of this re-occuring. I do not know how we coped over that time. I look back on it now and it seems to be such a blur as to how we got through. Our DD kept us sane and ensured the distraction we needed to keep going but keep going we did.

After 6 months of blood testing and invasive scans we were also told that no molar tissue was remaining/found. We were given the all fine to start trying.

We are now 11 weeks pregnant and I am hoping that last year is behind me. We have a scan with a consultant tomorrow and they have already had 2 lots of bloods that are going to be combined with our scan tomorrow to give us an accurate view on what is happening. I know we are once again facing the long-haul but at least this time I feel slightly prepared for it (if you can ever feel such a thing.)

Based on the findings tomorrow we will have to go back for regular scanning as Acrania cannot be entirely ruled out until after 13 weeks. But I am feeling as though I am strong enough to face whatever the outcome is. I know that this is just because I am having a very positive day and that later I might change how I am feeling, but right now I need to get this message out, even if only to remind me of how much I have coped with and how I am able to continue.

This may seem weird as I am writing to you out there but I would like to include a message to me; kind of like a message in a bottle: You can do this. Whatever the outcome you have a daughter that loves you and a family who support you. You will be fine.

Anyway, it has taken me ages to write this and I feel that I now need to lie down and cry. Thanks for the space in which to outpour. I hope that I am not putting a downer onto this new thread as I am still not sure where I should be posting. I do not want to scare all the new mums etc or upset those who have been through similar but are not pregnant. I am hoping you lovely ladies can all understand.

LittlePoot · 13/01/2010 13:19

Allstar - for what it's worth, I think this is exactly the place for you to share all of that and I'm just so incredibly sorry that you've had so much to deal with. I don't want to sound trite - there is nothing I can say that will even begin to do justice to your situation, and I have only the tiniest understanding of how you must be feeling. I hope there is some good news at the scan tomorrow and am happy at least that you have your dd and dh for comfort.

katiecubs · 13/01/2010 13:55

Allstar welcome ? I wholeheartedly agree with LittlePoot this is exactly the place you need to be and thanks so much for sharing your story. Having only been through one loss myself, I can?t even begin to imagine the pain you must have been though ? you are obviously a very brave lady.

I?m so glad you found us, I think all of us would feel slightly out of place in other threads where sharing our fears would just terrify other mums to be. We are all in the same boat here.

Best of luck for your scan tomorrow, I will be thinking of you. Please come back and let us know how it went xxx

p.s your message in a bottle is lovely (not weird!) ? am so glad you have a supportive family around to help you though

OP posts:
NumptyMum · 13/01/2010 16:31

Allstar and others, thank you for your thoughts today, they are appreciated. I've not done anything special, but I will plant some snowdrops so that I have an ongoing reminder of Iola when they bloom. I think because she went before I had to start the process of ending the pregnancy I feel more closure, in the end there never was a 'could have been' and for that I am grateful. I hope that makes sense and doesn't upset anyone...

And Allstar, what sad, sad times you and your DH have been through. This is the place that you can voice your fears - everyone's story is different but since we've all had some kind of loss, I don't think you would add to any fears. And I hope that perhaps we can give you some support, to add to the strength you have yourself. We will be with you in thought tomorrow. xx

Cantdothisagain · 13/01/2010 19:39

Hi everyone.

Numpty, thinking of you and Iola. No wonder you can't believe yet. I am still finding it hard to believe - the 20 week scan helps a lot, but because I've been through the horror twice, I just keep imagining a third problem might appear.

Allstar, thank you for telling your story, and what a story. You really are brave. I actually don't think the fetal medicine experts think we are mad or stupid for trying again after a traumatic obstetric history - I think they understand the compulsion. And it is like a compulsion. But I am wishing you all the very best for tomorrow's scan and results. Is the scan tomorow a nuchal scan? I really hope it goes well. I am sure you will find it hard to believe it either way. But you have got this far, you have the strength to get through tomorrow as well. And we will all be thinking of you.

Katie, Poots, Kitten, you're all at various stages of the pre-nuchal limbo... hope it is going okay. Katie, when is your nuchal booked for (are you having the combined test)?

Hi those nearly-dues: Shangrila, Lins, Mishta. Not long now...

I am annoyed with silly questions. Colleagues now know I am pregnant and they keep going on about whether I want a girl or boy (they presume a boy since I already have a girl) and what the ideal age gap is, etc. And I just want to shout: 'All I want is a healthy baby!'

BigMomma3 · 13/01/2010 20:19

Allstar - thanks for sharing. I also lost a DD in March 2001 at 30 weeks .

BEWARE LONG POST!!
My loss was due to a very rare syndrome called Pena Shokeir. Nobody seems to have heard of it and there is apparently a 10,000 in one chance of getting it so why it had to happen to me I don't know .

My DD1 was 4 at the time and was so looking forward to a baby sister, so it was very hard.

DD2 was diagnosed with severe talipes at 20 weeks and it took a while to come to terms with the fact that she would need an op when she was born, possible plaster casts and potential life long limp but we were told everything else was OK. At 29 weeks, after complaining of lack of movement for weeks, I finally had a scan and was told that the baby would be severely disabled. I remember asking would it mean lack of quality of life or was it life threatening and my consultant said quality so on the hour's drive to the fetal medicine unit (sent there immediately), DH and I were discussing how we would cope with a disabled child saying better disabled than not at all. So it was pretty hard when the FMU immediately told us that the problem was fatal and we were pressured into terminating with the medics saying the baby would suffer if born alive .

I could'nt do it but also could not carry her for another 10 weeks (friends and neighbours had already been saying 'you must be so excited' etc, cue me bursting into tears and running off) so consultant gave me a sweep and thankfully labour started the following day and lasted for 12 hours. She went as soon as the cord was cut and I truly feel as if the worst possible situation had the best possible outcome. My waters even broke just as the midwife was calling a doctor in to intervene so they left me alone. The sun came out and literally parted the rain clouds at her funeral - it was amazing!

Two months later I was pregnant with twins who were fine and really I don't remember that I was worried about it happening again. I think I was still in shock. Now I am pregnant again (12+5) and for some reason absolutely terrified. We had genetic testing and were totally clear but were told there was a 1 in 4 chance of it happening again as Pena Shokeir can be either genetic or random, they don't know. I was asked if I had flu like symptoms in that pregnancy and I did have terrible flu (which I had never had before and was totally dehabilitated) at around 8 weeks which is a pretty key time in development but the medics would not totally pin it on that. What is terrible is that I have just had terrible flu again at about 9 weeks so of course I am expecting to happen again! My Gp just said that viruses can affect the baby but it's already happened so can't do much about it. Also Pena Shokeir can only be picked up on a scan at 20 weeks at the earliest so it looks like I am going to be in stressed out hell for another 8 weeks!! Any calming words of wisdom would be appreciated.

BigMomma3 · 13/01/2010 20:37

Sorry ladies - it just all poured out. I did not actually realise how terrified I am until reading this thread. I have been trying to hide it!

NumptyMum · 13/01/2010 20:54

Oh BigMomma - pour out all you need to. It must have been such a shock to lose a baby so late, as with Allstar, and so heartbreaking at that stage of pregnancy; and that must make the waiting for reassurance this time around all so much harder. I hope you can find comfort in your children, in their existence proving things CAN go well, and also distraction with their daily lives as you wait this time. It is the waiting that is so hard, taking it a day at a time... I think sharing on this thread will be really helpful, even just to express the things that you had bottled up and didn't realise; plus you will get the understanding and support from others who have been in similar situations and who know that scans aren't always just looked forward to... xx

linspins · 13/01/2010 21:18

Allstars and BigMomma, what brave posts. It can be very cathartic to write it all down and get it all out in the 'open' but god it's exhausting too isn't it! But here is the place to write it all and please stay to get lots of support. You have both been through so much, it's difficult to believe.

I'm always amazed at how strong women are, how we pick ourselves up and carry on. But there always too those days when you think you can't. Mumsnet, ARC and Sands have been there for me...along with a healthy dose of counselling and a rock solid hubby. And my Dd, who shows that it can be done and what joy that brings.

I'm 38+4 today, and goodness my back hurts. This baby feel like it weighs a ton!! And the bloody weather doesn't help as I don't feel safe out on the snow and ice. Off to bed soon, too tired.

A little bit of me STILL can't believe we might come home with a baby soon. I am really scared something will go wrong in labour. Not because there is any reason for this for me, it's just I have heard so many awfully sad stories now of stillbirths etc. That's the flip side to support forums or groups I guess - you get to know all the things that can go wrong too.

Finally packed my hospital bag last night - think I was still in denial before that.

Hello and big hugs to all out there on this rollercoaster to create a healthy new life. xxxxxxxxx

shangrila · 14/01/2010 12:15

Gosh - so many of you in the second half of the first trimester. Important to mark every landmark passed, I found in what for me was always the most gruelling, arduous time of pregnancy. I'll be thinking of you all as you approach nervewracking scans etc. I went to antenatal clinic last week and was totally amazed at the levels of excitement that so many women felt. For a lot of them it was just a chance to have a good old look at the baby and hopefully have a nice bunch of photos thrown in. Oh for such innocence.

Allstarprincess, thank you for sharing your story. Must have been tough to get it all down, but cathartic too, in my experience. I do love the idea of the message in a bottle. I hope that today's scan gives a little more reassurance in the crawl towards 13 weeks and will be hanging around later on, should you come back to let us know. And this is very much the place for you to post, so post away!

BigMomma, huge welcome to you, too. So sad that we have to forge these friendships in this way and bittersweet that this thread is growing. I suppose it means that there is renewed hope but also acknowledges a whole lot of loss that we have gone through. I know how hard it is to believe that things can go well, after they have gone so badly. I hope that your medical team is supportive and that the next 8 weeks don't drag their feet too much. Come and have a rant here if they do.

Lins - I could have written your post about still not yet believing. I don't think that any of this is an extreme response after all that's gone before us. So much left unchecked on my 'to do' list. I've given up on thinking about it, and that includes baby names. That would be tempting fate one step too far. But hats off to you, you are ahead of me on the hospital bag front . I fear yet another telling off from my midwife this afternoon!

Hope everyone's keeping warm and snug.

katiecubs · 14/01/2010 14:07

Welcome BigMomma ? glad you found us and like the others said thanks for sharing your story. I?m so sorry for the loss of your daughter at such a late stage, it must have been devastating.

I?m sure it?s very positive that you have had 3 healthy children already (and twins wow) and clear blood tests. Doctors know so little even about some of the more common genetic disorders that they could have got your chances of 1 in 4 completely wrong, especially with something that rare. I will keep everything crossed that you get the all clear ? I appreciate it must be very hard having to wait until 20 weeks but hopefully you can pass the next 8 weeks here.

Hi Lins/Shangrila ? I will do the believing for you xxx

OP posts:
NumptyMum · 14/01/2010 14:54

Allstar - thinking of you at your scan today, hope all is well...

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