support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities

[katiecubs]

Hi girls - i hope this becomes a useful area

Thank you Numpty and Allstars for your advice. I think I will stick with the 1st March, I?m not sure it is the most accurate but the date of the 14th was given to me at my bad news scan so I?m more hesitant to use that one.

I?m so glad you got such a thorough scan last Wednesday Allstars, it must be such a relief for you ? and you are expecting a boy wow! As for DD spilling the beans perhaps it was a blessing in disguise, I?d almost like someone to blow my cover so I don?t have to fret about it anymore! So sweet she is so excited about her new brother

Numpty I can totally empathise with what you said about the waiting ? now I?m past the first hurdle of the NT scan I?m on a 7 week countdown to the anomaly scan but I can?t think past that right now. I?m sure waiting for the actual baby will be an odd (but good!) feeling as you say. Super news you are feeling him/her kick, that must make it so much more real ? I think that?s why I?m looking forward to getting a bump too xxx

Yes, getting a kicking is very reassuring .

Re telling people, I was thinking about it earlier and the few people I've told were people who didn't know about last year - somehow it made it easier, because telling them didn't bring other memories to mind. That's why I'm going to find it harder to tell my colleagues; they were the first 'non-family' people I told about that pregnancy.

Allstars - glad to hear they spent so long on the scan, though sometimes that's worrying too. I know DH was wondering quite why our consultant was taking so long over the heart, esp as she didn't say a thing. Good that you have another scan lined up - Cant is also getting consultant care, she thought it was because in her case one problem was developmental rather than chromosomal. I think that would be more reassuring, to get that level of care.

Anyway, off to eat a rather unpalatable meal of leftovers - I thought I'd get some beef the other day, only to find out I don't actually like the taste of beef. Can't bear to waste it though!

Well nature did her thing and I miscarried this afternoon. Typically for my luck, DP is away so has been a bit weird on my own.

Thanks for your advice on the relationship front HavingKittens, you are 100% spot on, it's already happening.

I am having trouble imagining TTC again, though I will be 40 in a few days so we can't leave it too long. I know I will be back on the TTC bus in a couple of months. Kittens maybe see you there.

Thanks everyone for your support.

Mimsy, I'm glad nature took it's course, though sorry for your loss of course. It seems to many of us a much gentler way of a pregnancy ending. It must be hard for you with DP away. Will he be away long? We are here for you in the meantime. I agree, that was excellent advice Kittens gave about relationships. It helps to know these things so that you know what you are experiencing is normal and you don't go putting additional stress on yourself if your relationship isn't 100% smooth sailing.

Allstars, lovely news re: your scan and finding out you are having a little boy! I read that last night while up feeding (which is when I lurk, but usually in no frame of mind to post). I then thought this morning 'did I dream that?', so had to re-read before I congratulated you on something that didn't actually happen! Lovely, also, that DD is so excited. How old is she? My daughters excitement was the only reason I bought clothes for Bella before she was born I think. I felt how could I possibly take their excitement from them, just because I obviously have 'issues'.

Numpty, glad you are getting to enjoying the kicks. It's the only part of being pregnant that I will miss. They will make the waiting more bearable

Littlepoot, good luck for your dating scan coming up - can you remind me when it is so that I know when to meet the others on the bench?

Katie, glad everthing is going well with you. I think I've mentioned it before, but you just seem so positive, you bring a lovely energy to the thread

Cant, i went to email you and just as I went to send, my phone went flat and I lost it .

Bella is going well. We have a few little issues which I have been going to post about but it either hasn't seemed the right time, or I don't want to put off any lurkers by my 'babytalk', or I don't want it to seem like I am whingeing when others are going through worse, or I have been so delirious with sleep deprivation (we have monitor issues) that I can't think straight.

Just wanted to let you all know that I am still here, taking a mad keen interest in you all and wishing everyone nothing but the very best xxx

PS Kittens, am thinking of you xxx

Hi Mimsy, I'm sorry to hear you were alone when nature took it's course. Just when you probably needed a cuddle - mind you, after the few days I've just had I'd say it's best it happened that way. The anesthetic played havoc with my guts and I've been a bloated groaning constipated balloon until pretty much yesterday. Lovely! I've also realised that in just over 2 years I've been under General Anesthetic about 6 times which is not great.

I'm glad my words about bickering were helpful. There have been a couple of times in the past with us where it has got out of hand and then have ended up sitting in separate rooms feeling utterly miserable and alone which is not ideal at all.

Mishtabel, I hope things settle with little Bella so you can have more peace of mind. Do you have a health visitor to help you out?

I'm feeling ok apart from now having a stinking cold. Yesterday was the first day after my ERPC that I had cramps and bleeding so that was slightly poignant as it was a reminder of what was really happening. But generally I am doing ok.

Thanks everyone for thinking of me. Sending empathy hugs to Mimsy.

Hi all

Mimsy, I am glad for you it happened naturally (that sounds odd to say I am glad about a miscarriage but you know what I mean). I hope you're okay.

Katie, I found it hard to tell people too. It's easy once it's obvious. It gets easier after the first few times though. And as you start believing in it. How many weeks are you now?
As for the due date, yes, go with the one you believed was right. To be honest I've found due dates okay. Anniversaries of terminations much less so...

Kittens, hope you're doing okay.

Hi to everyone else.

Mimsy - sorry to hear you were alone when this all started. I hope you are finding comfort now.

Mishtabel - DD is 2.5. She is so excited and keeps poking my tummy asking if her baby brother can feel it. I gave her a scan picture to put in her own photo album and she loves showing people.

Numpty - I hope your leftovers were palatable enough.

Kittens - How is the cold? I think sometimes our bodies put up with so much that they just desert us when we need them most. Rest up and take it easy. I am thinking of you.

Everyone else - I hope you are ok.

Evening all (sound like a policeman)!

Mimsy glad as the others have said that nature took it's course for you but sad you are alone - when is your DP back? soon i hope.

Kittens sorry you are feeling ill, constipation and a cold doesn't sound fun. Hope you are getting lots of rest and the boyfriend is looking after you well.

Mishtabl hi - good to hear from you! As so many others have said please do post about Bella, i'm sure everyone would like to hear about her and you. Hope the issues are getting resolved.

Can't thanks for the advice. I'm 13 + 2 today i am thinking i will tell people when i start to show, at the moment i don't look at all pregnant so am finding it hard to believe i still am - keep having to get the doppler out just to check xxx

Hi Allstars cross posted - DD sounds so cute!!

Allstars, your DD sounds very similar to mine. It's so cute.

Katie, I wouldnt be too impatient for the bump... cos in my first pregnancy it took forever for me to look pregnant. Nobody believed me when I told them at 24 weeks even. Stomach muscles were obviously on form then - this time around I look way bigger and have done sooner.

Cripes i thought it would be more like a couple of weeks!

It probably will be very soon, don't base it on me - even at 42 weeks I didnt look massive. And I am small, so it's odd that I had a streamlined bump. Think it was to do with where the baby was lying.

It seems to happen overnight. One day you feel a bit fat, the next you have a real bump....

Mimsy - sorry to hear that your DP was away when you could have done with someone there to share the feeling with; it is a sad time to be alone. I hope he's back soon, so that you can be with each other and comfort each other. As for TTC I am inbetween you and Kittens in age (ie I think we're all 40 around now), and for that reason didn't leave it too long after our experience last summer, esp as until that time TTC for us had taken a while. So it is a fine balance - feeling up to it again, vs time, age and stats. However I don't think a month or so will make the difference either way.

Mishtabel - I hope you are not too exhausted with newborn tiredness (and wakenings...); really sorry to hear you've had problems with the monitor, know how stressful that must be for you. Any sign of it being sorted yet?

Kittens - am so amazed at your fortitude, perhaps it is because of your experiences but you come across as being very strong, in a good way. I think I remember Bee saying something along the lines that the experiences we have do change us, but can also strengthen us and our relationships. I know for myself I value my DH and DS all the more after last summer; but equally as you say, in the midst of it all it is hard for couples, esp when men feel they should be the 'strong one'. There were just a couple of times that my DH cried, and it always made me cry all the more because I knew how much he was hurting. And that you are also feeling ill in the midst of this... hope you feel better physically soon, and emotionally when you are ready.

Allstars and Cant - are your DDs both around 2.5? So is my DS, but I can't imagine he'll grasp the concept of me being pregnant at all yet, so haven't even tried explaining. Perhaps I should - but his conversation (such as it is) revolves around 'blue mini, red mini, black beetle', aeroplanes, fruit, colours. I don't think he's going to 'get' the concept that Mummy might have a Baby in her Tummy. But as tummy is getting bigger, will have to broach the subject soon, I guess...

And on that, Katie, I think it took me a while to get a bump in my first pregnancy but for others, I think they got bumps quicker. Not sure why the difference (although it might start conversations about 'well, if you're big, it might be a girl, boys are always neater...' ). This time around my bump is here MUCH sooner but mostly due to flab, not baby .

Littlepoot - hoping you are OK.

The leftovers were OK in the end - and luckily DS seems to love beef so had most of mine...

Night night, all. xx

Hi All,

I'm feeling very snotty and sorry for myself today. I have lost count of how many times I've blown my nose.... and still, it comes. Bleugh! Happily the constipation has calmed down which is some blessing as it was an extremely uncomfortable weekend!

I have been really crampy the past couple of days, especially today. It kind of creeps up and reminds me of what's going on with my body at the moment which is hard. I also keep shouting at the TV when babies are being referred to . I am still ok and taking a pragmatic stance on the situation but it doesn't mean I am not frustrated and annoyed that I've been pregnant 4 times and still I'm back to the beginning again. It has been said by quite a few others on our threads that one thing a lot of us have learned along this shitty journey of ours is how strong we really are. Sometimes, when I read back what I've written in contrast to others, I do wonder if I come across a little cold. I hope not!

Numpty, when you say you're somewhere between me and Mimsy in age does that mean you've had a sneaky birthday on the quiet? Or did I miss it? If so, Happy Birthday.

Katie, just a thought, if you don't tell people and they guess they may catch you off guard and you may find yourself feeling you need to explain why you've not wanted to tell them earlier. Maybe if you choose to tell people before you start showing you can do it on your own terms. Obviously, if you feel more comfortable waiting then do what's best for you. My friend who is due next week didn't tell anyone for 6 months! It's not uncommon for people to leave it as long as possible before letting on I suppose. Tricky choice, I guess you just need to see how you feel.

Mimsy, how are you doing?

Hi everyone,

Firstly, thoughts with Mimsy and Kittens, and also Peanuthead - hope to see her here soon.

Secondly, long post warning....

Thanks to all for your continued interest in Bella's wellbeing, and for making me feel so comfortable to talk of her, when I know you all have your own stuff going on. As I've said, Bella is going well. The main issues we have are the monitor and poor weight gain and the paranoia these cause in me. Firstly with the monitor, the day we were leaving the NICU, a doctor told me that the reason I had had so much trouble sourcing a monitor was because they are rarely used anymore as they have been shown to be ineffective at preventing SIDS - 'Babies die with monitors on' (well I had heard this before, but thanks for the timely reminder!). The next day at our local hospital, two paediatricians came to see us. Paed 1 asks why I didn't have the monitor on; I explained that during the day, when I am with her I try not to use the monitor as I am right there and I don't want her attached to a monitor 24/7. Paed 1 replied that Bella is just as likely to succumb to SIDS during the day as she is at night 'All it takes is for you to be distracted for 2 minutes'. Paed 2 joined in with 'It's easy to be distracted; phone rings, you talk for two minutes....' I replied that I do try not to be too neurotic about it. Anyway, by the time I got her home I was a bit spooked but decided that I would use the monitor of a night like I had with my other girls and keep a close watch during the day. Only problem was stupid monitor wasn't picking up on her breathing and without an ounce of exageration (?sp) it was going off over a hundred times a night. This meant I was waking this many times as well as to feed etc. Got to the stage I was sleeping through the alarm and either DH or my daughter (who sleeps in opposite end of house) would check her and let me know alarm had gone off. I felt terrible. Good news is that last two nights it has started to pick up her breathing more and has only gone off about 5 times a night. I was starting to absolutely dread nights.
The other issue is that Bella was born 7lb oz, went down to 6lb 13oz (as is to be expected) but has not put in any weight since (besides 10 grams which is about 1/3 of an ounce). When the midwife came (they come once for a home visit) she said she was also mildly jaundiced. I'm going to the clinic for another weigh tomorrow. If she hasn't put on any weight they will start investigating why. She is doing everything else right (feeding, peeing, pooping, settled), but I just feel like a bit of a failure - sorry if sounding melodramatic. Just can't help shake the feeling that something is wrong, and I don't know whether it's instinct or paranoia. Was also asked to come back to hopsital for a repeat newborn screening blood test, as the first one had been contaminated. My paranoid mind was wondering if there was another reason they wanted to repeat the test. I'm obviously going mad.
DH was supposed to return to work this week, but thankfully he got another week off, as he will be working 8 hours away from home; 13 days on, with one day off, so he will be gone for about a month. We are all dreading that. Anyway, that's my whinge. Sorry for the long post, but, as always, thanks for being there to listen. Will let you know tomorrow whether Bella has gained any weight. Starting to think she is liking all the attention!

Take care all xxx

Goodness Mishta - no wonder you are so tired.

Paed's sound REALLY helpful re their timelly advice. Obviously THEY don't expect you to sleep or even turn your head away for an instant! But if it is more reassuring to you, would having her in a sling help? ie against you?

Sorry must go as really should be getting sleepyhead DS out of bed and off to nursery (it's my half-day working) but will pop back later. xx

Oh Mishta, you poor thing. It's no wonder you're tired and stressed. Your paedeatrics sound like they need to work on their bedside manner a little, blimey! There are more gentle ways to let you know you need to be so vigilant, especially knowing what you have already been through, without scaring the pants off you. I'm glad you have the monitor working properly now. How stressful having it go off constantly through the night, especially when you're probably on tenterhooks anyway.

HI all, I am doing well thank you. I am off to the EPU to have a scan to check that all has come away. If not will go for the EPRC tomorrow as originally planned. But I think it is all gone and I won't need to go tomorrow.

DH got back yesterday and things are better.

I haven't read back through all of this thread to get everyone's story, so I feel my posts have been very self centred, sorry for that.

Mishta congratulations on Bella and I hope she is putting on the weight today. I am not sure how old she is, but my DS lost 11% of his birthweight before we left hospital so they got me to feed then also express and they fed him with a cup! Such a faff. In the end I just set my alarm on my mobile to go every 3 hours and fed him by that. I was too tired to remember exactly when I had fed him last, so used the alarm to prompt me. I think he would have been fine anyway, sometimes they just take a while to get going. I hope her weight is up tomorrow for you.

Hi Mimsy very glad to hear DH is back and you are feeling better. Hoping tomorrows scan goes well and you don?t need to go back in for an ERPC.

Mishtabel you poor thing, I?m not surprised you are stressed with one doctor telling you the monitor is not effective at preventing SIDS and another telling you to make sure Bella is connected 24/7. I think you are doing the right thing trying not to get too neurotic about it though as you say she is doing everything else right so that is a really good sign. Please don?t feel like a failure, it?s clear you are an amazing mum to your girls.

Kittens I hope you are feeling a bit better today? Am not surprised you feel so frustrated right now but you also sound incredibly strong at the same time (never cold!). Do you have any work coming up or are you taking a while out?

I think with the telling people thing I am thinking of coming clean about the whole of the last 6 months (to close friends anyway). In a way I really feel like I need to unburden myself, and explain to people why I have been absent or not quite myself. I also feel like (god forbid) it ever happens to any of my friends then at least they would have me to talk to. It?s just finding the right time though but I think I will just do it one by one privately when the time feels right xxx

Mishtabel, those paeds need some coaching in reassuring anxious parents! It is unsurprising you are stressed, and also you've had such sleep deprivation - that doesnt help. The weight gain thing: I agree with someone else (Eulalia?) who said that Bella has been through so much in her life so far that she will have used up her calories as energy. I really hope she starts putting weight on now and you can start to relax (oh and that the monitor starts to work better). How stressful. Big hugs to you both.

Mimsy hope you didnt need the EPRC and you are doing okay.

Kittens, hope you're okay too. I think I probably sound cold sometimes - it's just how we protect ourselves.

Too tired to say more but thinking of everyone.

PS Numpty, my DD is a bit younger than your DS but she does understand about the baby now (didnt start telling her till recently..). We read this book to her - she loves it - I recommend it:

www.amazon.co.uk/Theres-House-Inside-Orchard-Picturebooks/dp/1841210684

Unfortunately she is CONVINCED she is having a sister so if it's a boy she might try to send the baby back!

Thanks for the tip, Cant .

There's a house inside my mummy - brilliant, i want to read it too

You better make sure you are not making a smelly boy Can't! xxx

Thanks all for your thoughts. I meant to say Bella's birthweight was 7lb 8oz, not 7lb. Anyway, feeling much better as visit to clinic today showed she had put on 90 grams (nearly 3 oz) in past week! Amazing how a bit of good news can give such a boost - feeling much more positive. Have been concentrating on increasing feeding/milk supply over last few days. Have a feeling it might all catch up on her and she'll start stacking it on.

Want to point out that neither of the paeds that said those things were the lovely one from the UK. I see her in early March. I'm sure she'll be more understanding, or at least more tactful.

Mimsy, hope your scan went well and everything was clear. This was the case with 2 if my mc's, and it was so 'nice' not having to have a d&c ( I don't even know what ERCP stands for. Over here that stands for a procedure that blasts gallstones!). Please don't worry about appearing self-centred, you're not - anyway, this time is supposed to be about you

And Kittens, don't you worry about appearing cold - you don't. I feel I may come across as cold at times, especially in RL as I rarely even get a tear in my eye when I talk of any of my losses. That, though, is only because I am thinking of them on a very superficial level usually if I am speaking to someone. If I really thought about them, it would be a completely different story. But over the years, I've found not many people can handle tears.

Can't, I managed to send you an email

Hello to everyone else. Am going to try to set up my profile next week when DH returns to work, and put photos up

take care all xxx

ps. Numpty, my daughter's actually going to try to make me a sling when she gets a pattern for one. She's only 14, but pretty handy with a sewing machine. She's made me a lovely nappy bag

Hi Mishtabel

Great news about Bella - yay!

ERPC - horrid phrase, see here for explanation.

Slings - all you need to know about making them on TheBabyWearer.com

Must dash to get on with the day, just wanted to say YAY for Bella while I had the chance .

Hope all well (or as well as it can be) with everyone else, Cant, Katie, Littlepoot, Allstars, Kittens and Mimsy. And any lurkers out there... xx