support thread for women who have chosen to terminate IV

[bezzyk]

Hello ladies old and new.

Here's hoping this thread brings better luck and much happiness.

Lots of love

BK xx

Hello all of you
Dearest Justa - I hear your worry about DS2 and wish I could hold your hand, and look at him and how wonderful he is and smile. Whatever is troubling you; it must be hard at this time.
Bezzy boodles- thank you for admiring my perceived strength. I suppose I am no more or less strong than anyone else here honey- I suffer terrible anxiety and worry and self-doubt and exhaustion and sometimes depression and all of it. I carry on; as we all do. With as much humour and sharing as possible. I know the envy thing- big time. I have been discussing it with a friend of mine - and we came to the conclusion that there are very few women we know we do NOT suffer from it at some time or other. Apart from the seriously hinged women- and who wants to be one of those? Be easy on yourself - it is a horrid emotion I agree but utterly understandable. I understand it.
Cantdo - thank you for your words on anniversaries. I know exactly what you mean - it is almost as if am back there; waiting for the phone call, driving to the hospital. All of it is so tangible. It makes sense we feel more pain on the anniversary of the termination than the due date of course I guess. We lived the termination. We did not live the due date - it was alway in the future and never experienced.
All of us who have had experience of a termination; we are so troubled and overwhelmed by it. It takes so many tiny steps to recover from it (if one ever does). To be thrown back there, even temporarily, is too agonising.
Pelvicflawed- it seems that the counsellor (god how do you spell that word) is determined to make you face the possibility that you may not have another child. Rather brutal of her in my opinion. Only you know what you can carry. Only you and DH can make that decision. Hope is precious - it is a lifeline. A world without hope is a dark one. Carry on hoping and maybe tell her why you need to. She should listen.
Everyone else- I send you calming deep breaths to get through the tiny trials of the day.
kisses to you all
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Eulalia
So sorry not to mention the sad news of your kitty cat. I am not a 'catwoman' but it sounds as if your kitty cat was a large part of your family life and there must be all sorts of emotions and memories attached there. It sets off grief across the board too. I do not think it is at all inappropriate that you wanted to find her and say goodbye properly.
Here is me being gruesome but hey. When I had my miscarriage recently, in the lonely middle of the night, I heard it 'plooop' into the loo. I slid my hands down into the bowl amidst all the blood and paper and desperately tried to lift it out - to hold and see the tiny not-life. I could not find it. I was desolate. It seemed so wrong to end a life that way.
The life of your cat is a life. Furrier, non verbal and different to that of a human. But
nonetheless a loved one. Maybe our little lost ones could join the memorial site; somewhere near to the coast in Scotland seems a fitting place for my lost babies to be buried - metaphorically if not in the real.
hugs to you at half term
Bee xxxxxxx

Oh Bee, and everyone. What aching hearts we have. Have a tear for all the grief here this week.

What you have all lived through, such images of suffering in my head. That story you tell of that night Bee, it actually makes my body feel heavy. With the pain and longing and lostness.
Just get through the week. let the days flood past you and try to take no part in their passing. They will go whatever, so let time just get on with it. Am thank full it is half term. Are you able to zone out at all?

Justa - I know the mental anquish. I hope some relief is sent to you soon.

Words seem very cheap and very noisy in these times.

Bezzy - hugs and boo to the green eyed monster. Is your dd dressing up for Halloween?

Oh Bee how sweet of you to respond to my post so fully and to share your experiences of grasping onto the fragments of that life that was so short but still a part of you. I understand, and am relieved that justa has said that we are normal and that life and death are always intertwined. I even gathered a few (well a lot actually) of hairs from the chair to keep.

Today I put the cat carrier to the vets to go to the local cat charity, planted my amaryllis which flowers in August on mine and puss's birthday (the same day!) next to him along with some other bulbs. Will sort out a nice photo to be framed in due course.

justa - I am not sure what your ds's problems are but I think they may be similar to my ds's if I recall correctly. If so then things should get easier as he gets older. Speaking of which am agonising about what to do regarding ds1 as dd has been invited to a Halloween party but not him. He doesn't know yet and wants to have someone round but everyone his age has their own special friend (which isn't him )

Hugs to everyone. xxx

Oh Justa, you sound so tired. I don't know how to help but I am sure things will get easier with DS2. Even if it's never easy, you will get used to it.

Bee, I know what you mean; it is so tangible. Actually for me the anniversary of the nuchal was almost worse. The end of the hope.

Pelvic, your counsellor doesnt seem to get what you need. Or she's into very tough love. If it isnt giving you the support you need, I would stop. Do what's best for you... We don't need more stress!

Eulalia, sorry DS doesnt have someone to spend Halloween with yet. How old is he? Our neighbourhood has an outdoor Halloween event - think we will take DD if it isnt wet. She has a little witch outfit in pink and black with a pointy hat.

I too have the green eyed monster problem. I see bumps everywhere.

Hi Tree, how are you all? I've been reading your egg thread but I struggle to write anywhere on Mumsnet but here for now!

Cant - you could name change for 'out there'.

Pelvic - I don't know what to say really. I think counselling needs a load of sessions before the real use of it can be determined. Maybe give it another go? I found I had to be very very very very very very very brave, and all that plus more in the hardwork department. Maybe it is too early for you? I do belive the timing has to be right.
Sounds like her timing was off though, pretty full on for first session.

Feel for your son Eulalia. I always include siblings with invites actually, just in case there is something like this going on at home for people. Could you speak to the other mum and ask if he could go to, offer to stay, help and bring extra party food or run a game?

Hope all are ok out there. Nearly there Bee. x

Think Tree's idea is good, Eulalia. Or could you dress DS2 and him up and have them welcome trick or treaters at home?

Good for you Justa - am very glad you slept better.

Have a lovely weekend justa.

That sounds like a lovely event cantdo but there's nothing like that here.

ds1 is 10 and as he goes to such a small school there's not many friends to go around. Friends elsewhere always seem to be doing their own thing. And obviously with the autism/Aspergers problem making friends is difficult. To be honest I don't have a lot of friends myself! I don't seem to have the energy to maintain friendships. I have asked his new carer to come tomorrow, he's not met her yet and she's only 20 so maybe she can keep him company for a bit. Don't like to invite him as would have to take ds2 as well and that is too much. Will probably go round all the houses with them all in the evening. Managed to get costumes, no problems with the post thankfully.

All the best for you tomorrow bee and I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend.

xxx

Hi everyone - hope you all have a peaceful w/e esp thinking of you Bee. Take care all

PF

Hello ladies
Am in Devon - not as cream tea-ish as it sounds in fact. More pound shop ish.
Tree - I texted you honey last night as had not had time to reply to your email - did you get it?

Have felt very sat on and depressed today and on the verge of tears all day but no tears will flow and LM not really getting the mood at all.
Feel so isolated here in the middle of miserable seaside town. (Oops - sorry if you live in a seaside town).
But mostly I want to send a huge almighty jumping up and down with happiness for her, joyful hug to Brighton Girl for her special day tomorrow.
kisses
Beee

Ps to Eulalia also - I wanted to say that I see you as having good friendships - is not the quantity but the meaningfulness and trust and honesty that matter. Would your lovely son have a better time popping into lanterned houses with you than with other children? But even so - I agree with Tree - would be nice if he could be invited as a sibling.
I feel so very very old and have developed a morbid awareness of my mortality - is truly new and horrible in fact. In part due to failing eggs, growing children and the lost magic of small children.
Enjoy them ladies while they are so precious - no matter if you have one or three.
And if you have none yet - keep on keeping on.
xxxxxxxxxxx

Hello lovely ladies,

I'm sorry, I haven't time to read through the recent messages. I hope everyone is all right. I'll be back in the land of the living next week.

Just wanted to say thanks so much for your support for my upcoming wedding....tomorrow! All a bit scary but I'm having an early night, so will be fresh as possible. Although, we're doing the seating plan at the moment and it's not going too well! Eek.

Bee, you'll be in my thoughts tomorrow too.

Loads of hugs to everyone.

BG xxx

Bee - DD2 has slimed my phone, and so I could not read the taxts that arrived last night. The screen is ruined. If you resend I have found an old brick in a drawer that my sim card works in.

I live in a seaside town and miserable is fair.

I'm sure ds will have a top time with his mum and borther Eulalia. x

Went on spooky walk in the park tonight, was good. DD1 painted out faces for us. You can imagine. She is very proud of Mr & Mrs Pumpkin [DH and me] and the wicked witch [nanna] Bless. In fact we look like we have swept chimneys but shhhhh don't tell her.

Bee - theseaside town is making you feel old. I have that feeling everyday. As if my face is peeling like the paint on the old hotels. Escape tomorrow for Totnes or somewhere fab and hit the shops. There is an organic fabric shope there that sell the finest sheets you will ever sink you head into.

Tomorrow is a big day for the thread.

Firstly, Bee, I am thinking of you. I don't think men feel the anniversaries the same way - my DH didn't, I don't think. We didn't really discuss it [imagine repressed English emoticon here]. I am thinking of you though. For me, the actual day was less bad than the days before. And better it's a Sat to have children around.

I too feel old, suddenly. Wonder if it is another effect of the anniversary.

Anyway I am thinking very much of yyou.

Hopefully the horrible memories can be converted into something happy with Brightongirl's wedding! wow! I should add on my wedding day I was up at 5 am icing wedding ccupcakes, and ended up in Tesco buying boxes to transport them in. Not to be recommended.

Eulalia, hope DS is okay today. I find I have fewer friends these days - I can't be bothered with inbetweeny friends and tend to stick to the few good ones.

Hugs to everyone, and specially Bee and Brightongirl.

Thinking of you today Bee. Much love, hope you're enjoying some fresh sea air.

And GOOD LUCK Brightongirl! Hope you have a super duper fabulous day, can't wait to hear all about it.

We're off to a birthday / halloween party shortly. Far too early for his. Have sore head. Too much wine and not enough sleep.

BK xx

Have a wonderful day BrightonGirl! Wow, your wedding day.

Bee - thinking of you and hoping it is okish. Your number isn't on my sim card, it is on the knackered phone

Have hunted, no number in the emails. Most frustrated.

Back in the safe and familiar world of the city - you are right Tree- seaside towns out of season do not make one feel... glamorous.
More to say on the matter by email where I do not risk offending. Tee hee.
So you are right Cantdo - the days leading up to today have been so much worse than this actual day - the dread, the reliving of the trauma. Today I feel sad that I have lost three babies in ten months - that i have been so shaped and changed, that my real hope of having a baby with him is diminished. Blah blah blah. I have this longing, this nostalgia for when my children were small and innocent; when I was innocent. Now I have a teenager off in the tightest ever black outfit with the highest heels and blood dripping down from scarlet lips instead of a halloween kitten. And my boys.. well they are big. And at the same time I want to appreciate them, enjoy them as I know one day I will look back at this time with the same longing and nostalgia.
In the end I know I must let go of the pain and longing and live in the now. But it is so hard.
Today my middle child said that I was different. What do you mean? He meant I was being silly and frivolous and light and I realise that I have been shut down and quiet and heavy. That is no way for a mother to be is it?
Off to unpack after our 5 hour journey home.
Ugh

Welcome home Bee.

Hello Tree

Home, wherever it is; stinky old London or refined Richmond (oh how I dream) or the seaside or the Country Living Life, home is where the heart is.
I am very pleased to hear the voices of you, my mumsnetters, reverberating around my home. It helps me so much to know you are there.

Night witches and ghouls.

I feel this night marks an end and a beginning of recovery from my year -so much more so than due dates and what if dates.
This time a year ago I had my first termination - it was new and like nothing I had ever experienced and raw and agony and bonding with my loved one. I have survived a year. God only knows how. It is a night to let the lost souls rest isn't it? So time to release those lost souls and let the living ones live. And love. And be loved

So is this really your new years eve then Bee? I would champion that.

Hello again our Tree
Yes I guess it is a version of New Year's Eve love - guess should get bit merry.
But yes.. sincerely feel that it is a major acheivement to be still in a loving relationship after all this hoohaahaa.
Hope you are okay dearest - hope our Hatts is a peachy babe still. Hope the egg journey is manageable.
Off to bed
Night Treetops
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx