support thread for women who have chosen to terminate IV

[bezzyk]

Hello ladies old and new.

Here's hoping this thread brings better luck and much happiness.

Lots of love

BK xx

And another thought- maybe he wants to see you on your own to potentially say goodbye to darling Justa. He knows you will love and care for the boys. It is you maybe he is worried about. You are his little girl. Oh sob. Is just so very sad and crap. I just do not know how we are all supposed to accept this dying thing.
More hugs and tears
Surely Saturday evening is for silly fun?
Not for us inward looking threaders.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cantdo
I am remembering dates and anniversaries and remembering how very horrible remembering can be.
So am sending you the most intense cyber hug too.
kisses lovely lady
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Bee - a generous and beautiful thought for Justa's dad to be in charge of his own death. How lovely you are.

Has dd seen her room yet Cant?

Hope you are ok Justa, lots to think about and rationalise and process. As opposed to having 'mummy to be' spa days like all the magazines and websites push. Never pulled one of those off myself either. Your head must be spinning.

Lins, hope you are coming through your tough tough week too.

Cozy blankets all round ladies, and early nights on this most blusterous of evenings.

Dearest Justa
I have to admit you are much in my thoughts at the moment and can I justa add that you are more than welcome to post your thoughts here?

It has morphed from a post termination thread to a musings and rusings on life, birth, death and the whole thing thread so you must never feel your musings are out of place. You are a loyal friend and your feelings for your father are valid and important; are relevant. The living, those who have lived, those with whom we have connected and shared, those whom we love, well they are vital.
I am in some strange spot and determined to bring into the living world the baby, the person, that is the expression of the love between LM and I. I am just not ready to give up; in spite of what I have said. Bring it on. I am strong and ready and committed to the cause.
My latest insane musings involve genetic screening and iVf. Or perversely the opposite; who read the articl today in ~Observer Woman? Re the Chinese herbalist?
And the other one re the woman who had lost a baby at 24 weeks? I thought of you all; the women who had delivered babies at 22, 23, 24 weeks.
Cantdo - I hope you are rested and calm and lovely.
Night night ladies
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Justa - thinking of you too. Am very glad yesterday was a better day.

Busier, the fighting spirit rises again in you. What a stout heart you have, a credit to you and the support around you. I didn't see the article you tallked about. Have you looked into the IVF and prescreening thing more?

Waves to all.

Hello there ladies. Need to catch up, got home late last night. Trying to acclimatise to the cold and dark and I am feeling very sad, but more of that later....

Holiday was lovely, most days spent lazing on the beach and really felt we'd got away from it all. Kids got a bit bored towards the end but dh and I felt we needed 2 weeks to de-stress. Bit of a hassle getting home though as check-in desk opened late and by the time we got through security the plane had taken off without us! We got another flight free of charge but it wasn't until the next day and had to stay overnight in a nearby hotel. Was too late last night to get kids organised for school/nursery today so I took the older ones in at lunchtime.

But am bereft as my lovely cat died while we were away. My neighbour was looking after him and found him lying in our garden, he was 18 and died very peacefully. He'd had a long and happy life and didn't suffer and I was expecting it to happen some time soon. But I still feel devastated. Perhaps it was because he just wasn't there when we got home, waiting for us at the door as he had on countless returns so many times... and of course him being around for 18 years, it's a huge chunk of my life... They buried him under a tree in the garden and laid a large stone to mark his place there and this morning i couldnt sleep and got up and sat there for a bit with tears streaming down my face. The early sun was shining right onto the tree and it was beautiful also as well as being very sad.

Oh dear perhaps this isn't place to talk about such things. I know I'll start to feel better in a day or so.

Will catch up on you soon lovely ladies, I need to put more wood in the stove and continue unpacking.

Much love
xxxxxx

Justa i see you have lots of great advice from other people's posts so i don't want to repeat anything but what a difficult situation - i hope you are ok. Your DS sounds like such a lovely child you must be very pround. I hope it all works out as best it can.

Eulalia glad you had a nice holiday but what terrible news to return to - i would be devastated too and i have only had my cat for 2 years - 18 years is such a long time and animals are so innocent, loyal and loving!

I hope everyone else is ok (Can't glad you made it through such a tough time). My news is that i got my first post tx period yesterday so i am both very relieved and also a little sad at the same time, not sure why really but hopefully now i can move on a little.

Love to all,
Katie xxx

Hi everyone.

Eulalia, sounds like a fab holiday and a good rest. I am sorry about your cat; what sad news to come home to. Hope the sadness gives way to happy memories.

Justa - hugs.

Katie, I am so glad your period came. Know why you feel sad too but it means your cycle is returning - it's a good sign, even if it feels all wrong.

Bee, I echo Tree - you are indeed a brave strong soul. Not sure what you mean about Chinese medicine but am about to look.

No news from here, just it got dark very early and now feels very much like autumn. I like autumn food - all the squash and pumpkin, yum.

Hope you're all okay.

Hi Katie, I felt the same as you when I got my first period - relieved that my body was getting back to normal so we could think about trying again but sad because I shouldn't, in theory, have been having a period at that time - I should have still been pregant. It does help you to start looking forward though I think. (((hug)))

Want to type loads but in the middle of lunch, putting shopping away, lighting the stove etc....

Katie, great to hear you are getting back on track and your period has come at last. Now you can do some planning.

Justa, some very sound advice here. I also feel that perhaps your father wants to feel that he is in control of the remainder of his life and thus dicate how things should be on his terms. Perhaps he also doesn't want to let his grandchildren see him frail and to remember him as he was. How able is he? Can he perhaps write letters to his kids, it is something that they can treasure afterwards.

Feeling a lot better, just an empty puss-less house but felt OK to look at some video of him and ds2 taken earlier this month and smile. Now got distractions of Halloween coming up and decorating it, also not got new outfits organised for dd and ds1.

Not caught up with all the news properly but thinking of you.

love, xxxx

Hi all

Very strange day here in the PF household - I have to say all the media coverage about the rise in the number of postive tests for Downs has made me very emotional and mixed up - I thought I was getting to a more reconciled position on everything that has happened but today I'm not so sure.

DH is still quite mixed up about things and about I think trying again (fear of it all happening a third time) but part of me wants to be positive and determined (haven't felt this determined since I failed my 11+ and thought I'll show you and go to Uni!!) - but on the other hand don't know whether I'm just creating emotional distress for everyone.

Bee I saw the article about Chinese medicine in the paper on Sunday - sounded interesting. When we saw the gentic councellor a month or so ago she half mentioned IVF/Screening but then said there are only two hospitals that do it and one wouldn't consider me because I'm 40 (damm age)- so not sure what to think about this all.

On a lighter note a friend bought me a box of choccies from M+S today (they have a special offer on 36 chocs for £2,99) and they are fab - just what I needed!!

Hugs and love to you all, thinking of you all.

PF

Hello PF
Golly I was not even aware of this whole DS thing in today's news until an hour ago.
It is unsettling to be the statistic isn't it?
Re the screening for chromosomal abnormalities and IVF - I read about it recently and then madly googled. I have absolutely no idea if it is even vaguely appropriate in our case. It is for women who are having IVF due to problems conceiving. We do not have this problem of course.
IVF can be very stressful and traumatic and there are no guarantees of course. You are in a similar situation to me I guess. How much more can you endure? Are you ready to give up?
When I had had two tx; advice given to me was 'try again naturally if you can bear it' then maybe think about IVF and PGD (screening.
I have done the first thing. Miscarriage.
Can I bear to go through more pain?
I do not know.
I really do not.
On a good day. I am exactly as you describe. Fiercely sure I can.
On other days? Like today - can not face it.
So, your hubbie is struggling too - why should he not? It is hard. I think my LM is struggling to face it and struggling to accept this is his non-parental life.
So, hope is important - let's investigate. I have made a referral for self so will let you know the outcome.
My research into the genetic side of things is that they just do not know. They do not know why older women are more prone.

As for the herbalist route? Am not sure how they would feel about the whole box of chocolates and much wine thing?
What do you think?
Bee xxxxxxxxxx

Eulalia - I am very sorry about your cat. 18 years is a long time. Not a nice thing to come home to but I am glad you got a good break and hope the loss of your cat doesn't shadow it too much.

Hi Katie, so your body is physically re-grouping. God if only our brains worked on such regimented clear lines. x

Hello PF, I thought of you all when I saw a brief news article about Down's Syndrome.

Bee, so you have made the first step of referral. A Leap into the dark almost.

I would have thought the age related thing would apply to funded? Surely paying patients can have whatever they, well, pay for? I have no idea though, so I don't want to be talking nonsense.

Perhaps another chapter for you Bee. I know you have the oomf to go for it again Bee, you are truly a remarkable woman. That doesn't mean you should though, just because you can. I guess you and Lovely Man are the only ones who can make the choice as to what is best for you. So that is no use to you so I will stop droning on.

Waves to Cant and Justa, and all out there.

I am feeling a bit out there myself, I think I have some symptoms from the hormones I am injecting. Headache and moods and a bit doolally. Half term. Nice timing!

Hi Bee/tree and everyone else - well a good nights sleep (we'll goodish - DS decided to lose his snuggly at 3am - so he and I spent time scrabbling on the floor looking for it!!- agghh!!) I feel a bit calmer - yesterday was horrible just so much flooded back. Anyway onwards and upwards as they say.

We have an appointment with our councillor today and DH has an appointment with the doctors tomorrow so we will see how things pan out from there.

How you feel Bee so describes my feelings too - whether it is blind hope or not I just have this gut feeling that there is a DC2 for our family and don't want to give up. We saw a gentic councellor (the other councellor we see is for our emotions) and they have taken blood samples from us both just to rule out any small gentic link (I have a first cousin with a DS child which makes me extra worried their is some family link) we should get the results next month so I guess I shold wait until we get those before deciding what next. Out of curiosity who did you make your referal to - the GP?.

Anyway hugs to you all - off to work soon so (and back to the Chocs!!). Take care.

PF

Dear pelvic, I'm glad the weather seems brighter for you today. I'm really sorry my post laast night didn't really acknowledge how you were feeling. I got focused on the treatment side of things didn't I. So (((((((hugs)))))) today meant for last night,and will check in later to see if there is news on your session today.

HI Pf and Treetops
Thought of you yesterday Tree as have been looking at wallpaper samples -shallow, moi?- and found a beautiful one will weeping willows although I think your favourite is cherry blossom?
Re the referral PF- I rang the hospital directly and was told I needed a GP letter - so one has been faxed.
Indeed one would think one could have whatever one wanted if paying! Quite right.
Paying to have such an intrusive and possibly tragic procedure though? Madness.
Sorry to hear you doolally Tree- love the word though.
One year on 31st since my first termination and so much worse than I imagined it would be. Much worse than due date. Feel very troubled and sick and scared. Almost as if am going to have the termination again.

Did you feel this way dearest Cantdo?
Bee

Oh Bee, we have tight hold of your fingers. Will try not to crush them. Sunday will come straight after Saturday and you will be through the other side of that one.

The Wall paper sounds lovely.

On more shallow notes, I have a deep burning desire to have a stained glass window made with a cherry blossom, for our hall way door. Bearing in mind we cannot afford the garage bill for 2 cars and are borrowing and begging fro each and every school run, dreams are getting rather squashed. Pah.

These things aren't shallow though are they. If a person is sensitive to environment being in a one that is right can be so good. So comfortable and relaxing. We've been in our house 18 months and I still haven't got the groove.

My dream house is for sale a street away. Can anyone lend me 40K to buffer the mortgage? It has a proper garden for the dd's. Ta x

Oh Bee how awful - are you doing anything with the kids to help distract you? And how brave of you to soldier on with your fight (it must seem like a fight) to have a baby. Big hugs.

Tree - that sounds lovely and yes you are right one's environment is important, so if you can't afford the house at least you can have smaller things. The stained glass window sounds beautiful.

OK I am still a bit wobbly and I need to write this down but please don't read if you are a bit squeamish. Felt so restless somehow this morning, couldn't settle. On my own and a beautiful morning. I had my cat's cushion and had cut a piece out to keep and was about to throw the rest away. Then on an impulse (decided I was mad but...) found myself walking over to where he lay under a tree in our garden, dug at the the ground and wrapped the cushion around him. I think because my neighbour had buried him (in a teatowel) I felt robbed of that last final act. Anyway as I patted the earth back down I felt an enormous sense of peace and calm and a feeling of having done something to mark the end of his life and a 'chapter' in my own life too. I hope this makes sense and sorry to be so morbid and thanks for reading (if you have!)

On a lighter note, has it been warm everywhere today? it is really mild here today. Its going to be a wine night tonight, not had a decent drink since the holiday.

Much love to all. xxx

Hello all

Just wanted to give my deepest for Eulalia, how awful to come back to find your kitty has passed on. The fact that he was old doesn't make it easier. I too have a kitty (we call him the first born) and would be devastated if anything were to happen to him. Completely understand your wanting to say goodbye.

And Bee, I wish I had an ounce of your strength. Wishing you much love on Saturday.

I'm not in a good place, hence I'm hiding out. I've been overcome with jealousy. More pregnant friends coming out of the woodwork. Not a day passes where someone isn't announcing their new pregnancy or newborn baby. Not fair, it should be me.

BKxx

Hello everyone! I had no idea that DS had been in the news until you all mentioned it. Have since been reading about it on the BBC website. It is hard being the statistic, isnt it? It makes risk figures somewhat risible.

Bee, I found the run up to the anniversary of the dreadful nuchal scan and then the termination much worse than the due date. In my case these dates were all within a week, so I suppose it's harder to separate, BUT I really felt dread of the termination anniversary. Memories came flooding back; I was a bit panicky. And most of all I felt a kind of sadness almost as strong as a year ago. But the actual anniversary day of the termination I was really fine. I think the anticipation was far worse - often the case, perhaps. I think you'll find Saturday less bad than Friday. But I am thinking of you.

And Pelvic - hope you are continuing to feel positive despite all the horror.

And Bezzy - I have jealousy too, in spades. I dont like myself for it. I find myself getting jealous everywhere - of people who take their healthy bumps for granted, mostly.

Okay here. Past the pain of last week, onwards and upwards. I have been reading up on the genetic screening and Chinese medicine. Interesting. Above all, I think, we need hope to carry on - whatever gives us the hope.

On a lighter note, DD has done something and the font on this site (no others) has gone teeny tiny, so I am struggling to see. Excuse typos!!!

I totally understand the jealousy. The bumps and babies must seem everywhere. Who knows what each individual went through to get their bump, but still......impossible not to look on and think 'why me?'

Hello, Bee, tree, cantdothis and everyone else.

Bee just wanted to give you hugs and love for Saturday - I think cantdothis is right in that for us the anticipation of the anniversary of losing James (our first baby) in August was the worst. The day was incredibly sad - we were on holiday at the time and took some flowers to the local church to remember him by (we're not particularly religious)as we wanted to do something to acknowledge that he existed even if only for a short time and then went on a long walk to get some fresh air - after that the day though horribly sad felt a little lighter if that makes any sense.

Went to the councellor yesterday - not sure if its helping or not - she is trying to get us get our hopes in some kind of perspective and question whether we are potentially able to deal with more heartache but I'm finding its knocking my hope - we're booked to see her again in a month but I think I'm going to see how I feel before I go next time.

DH off to the docs this am - I'm hoping we can sort out some positive action to help him (short course of ADs perhaps or other councelling)I don't thhink he's ready to go back to work yet but on the otherhand I think he needs more than just time off.

Anyway love to you all especially Bee at this time - thinking of you.

PF