support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

so sorry for yr loss brightonbaby

I don't think you 'owe' anyone any sort of explanation. I would absolutely hate to keep talking about triploidy and explaining it to people

Be kind to yourself - who will be of benefit to YOU if you tell them? If close friends are that (close friends), they will be incredibly supportive and sympathetic

Can you access any counsellors? Through the hospital or GP?

Hope no one minds me posting here. I was trying to psych myself up for possibility of termination for chromo abnormality I carry.

Thankfully, I've been spared this and bean has already died. I'm rather grateful for this. Even though tx would have been right decision for us, I'm still glad I've not been put in the situation of having to make this choice. I really really hope that don't sound too crass to you ladies who have. Linspins kindly posted on my thread and I just wanted to pop by. And congratulate her now it seems.

My partner is a great support and I've tried to be the same for him. He just opens his arms to me endlessly and makes lots of cups of tea! He even baked some biscuits yesterday...a little odd :-) but very welcome.

Yes, I think the hormones might take a while to settle down. I still don't fit into my bras properly, and my stomach is still sticking out. Although, immediately after the op, I stopped needing the toilet constantly. Another thing that made me sad! But, had made me very frustrated when I thought all was going well.

I'm sorry for your loss flappy. It doesn't sound crass what you said. It is a terrible situation to be in and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's incredible how resilient we are...being suddenly thrown in that position, having to make a choice, where even not making a choice, is, in effect making a choice. I just wanted to run away when they said my LO would not make it to term...it was like watching some terrible soap opera, but it was really happening and I was sort of detached. There were over 20 people in the room watching my CVS too...I felt totally out of control of anything that was happening to me. Glad it's all just a memory now.

Hello Brightonbaby
Gosh what a time you have had of things - you poor girl. I am glad you have found us too and you are welcome here.
Sharing the pain is a strange thing. I can share my thoughts with you if it helps but it is so intensely private an issue that you may not feel it is at all relevant.
With my second pregnancy ( both ended in terminations for DS) I told very few people indeed - partly as we were so very anxious. And it felt so very enormously privat - I can not even begin to explain as it is unlike anything i have ever experienced before. I banished everyone from my thoughts and cares - very much it felt like a banishment. I felt strong in my pain almost - untouchable, unreachable, angry. My lovely man was the only one who was allowed into the pain room. And the women here.
The intimacy I felt with him was so special really - I felt so much love for him - indescribably so. I am 42 and I am divorced and have three children.
But this closeness I felt with him was so new.
Why tell anyone I felt?
How could they help?
What would they say?
I did not fear being judged in fact - I did not feel guilty. But I was so tiny, so small, so in the middle of something huge. I think grief can do this.
Recently - two months after the event - I have started to be able to talk about it in the real world. I am stronger now and do not need them to 'match' my pain.
At the time I was just too too raw.
But there may be a moment when you feel spontaneously 'yes - I need to say this' - and if you feel that - then do it.
I have to say though none of my friends have matched the support and compassion I feel here. That is not to judge them.
But how on earth could they know?
How could they?
There is my reaction to telling people - I do remember now I think of it that I asked my LM often if he thought it was unhealthy of me to banish everyone. He felt not.
Ahhh. Is hard and a wedding? Goodness me. It will happen and you will love each other even more than you thought possible.
Biscuits!
That sort of makes me want to weep and I do not know why. What a man.

Ah, busierbee, that's exactly it. The need for others to 'match' the intensity of pain. But, they can't, couldn't...

...the first batch of biscuits might well have made you weep...they were that burnt :-) second batch was perfect though :-)

I did open up to one friend a couple of days ago (the first friend I've told and a wonderful friend at that) and we soon went on to talk about other things and then since, (it was only three days ago!) I haven't heard from her. But, then why should I have expected to. I think I do such a great job appearing to be ok about everything...I never cry in front of others (except OH) and I always try to make light, if I think things are going in a direction where I might cry in public...and so, I guess I 'appear' fine about everything and I shouldn't expect her or anyone to 'match' my feelings inside. You're totally right.

Thanks goodness you are all here.

But you would think...? Wouldn't you?
I don't know that a little text or word or something. I think they just cannot know yet.
I still have not broken down or cried with anyone apart from him. With him I can sob or rant or cry or moan or feel sorry for myself and him and show my jealousies and fears and he just listens and strokes my hair and says ' I know, babe'. And weirdly I do not even mind. I do not even mind that he has one eye on the match. Because he does know. He truly does.Be gentle on self -takes time
kisses and hugs

Flappy, I hadn't read that you'd lost little bean. So sorry and also 'glad-sad' that you didn't need to decide anything...hope you know what I mean. Hope you recover well physically, and also that the sadness for your loss turns in to a manageable thing to live with and move forward. Sending you hugs, lins xx

You are right Growingup of course. Friends do care deeply. I have just been thinking myself whilst playing monopoly with wee one( yawn - he won) that my friends are super and do care immensely. But I just could not let it out or them in or something. In fact sometimes I said out loud 'do not be nice to me'. So they could not.
One friend sent me a text every day for about ten days. I really appreciated that, and in the end the first time around I spoke to two friends. I had to tell the story of it somehow - but it took a while to get to that stage. And telling my story here in daily form was more healing and in my control. Yes, that is it. When I wanted and needed to.
Think your friends would care deeply Brightonbabe - just such tricky waters to navigate.
I also Flappy am saddened for you - and understand the relief that you may feel with being dealt the cards rather than choosing.

Hi Brightonbaby, I am very sorry to hear about your poor baby. What a tough time you have had.
It's a funny thing about telling people...
I lost my first baby at 22 weeks so everyone knew I was pg and we got lots of letters of sympathy etc. I was at the stage of needing to talk about it ALL the time then, to re-live stuff and discuss it and go over and over it.
With my baby Daisy who I lost this year, I was only 12 weeks when problems were discovered, and less people knew (and weirdly, because I already had a 2 year old toddler, my pregnancy didn't seem as important as the first one?!). So I told those who knew I was preg, but only bits and pieces as it seemed more difficult to say. And then after a while, I needed everyone to know everything! I just got fed up of having to explain why i wasn't so happy, or why I hadn't been in touch for a while, or why I might burst in to tears if someone said' oh, isn't it time you had another baby!!"
So i wrote a long email with the whole story and sent it to all my friends. phew. I got lots of sweet messages back, and some will mention it to my face, and some don't but at least they all know.

But no-one who hasn't been through it really understands...(thank goodness?)

I echo what someone said above, put yourself first and tell those who will support you and comfort you.

Talk as much or as little here, we will understand you.

You are in such a raw place, be kind to yourself and get lots of hugs from that lovely biscuit maker.
xxx

Hi all

wrote a long message and the site crashed and it vanished, which stupidly almost made me cry (I think I'm near the edge...). Brightonbaby, I am so sorry this happened to you. I do understand, totally. I haven't told anyone except immediate family, partly because I know they wouldnt understand but mainly because my coping strategy involves only dealing with trauma on my terms and in my time. I hate the idea of pregnant friends and colleagues tiptoeing round me because they know I've gone through this. I find it easier to fake it, which probably says a lot about me. I think you do what feels right for you. And try to find comfort in small things - I found a glass of wine immensely comforting, plus runny forbidden cheeses and seafood, all the things I had been banned. And novels and magazines, and shoes. But I remember the time after losing the last baby as tinged with a sadness I hardly registered at the time, because I thought I was doing well. One step at a time, baby steps. And that is where I am now, too. Hugs to you. xx

Flappy, I am so sorry you lost your little bean. And glad for you that you didn't have to go through the choice. I do totally understand that. x

OK, so here is where I am now. Tomorrow I go into hospital and say hello and goodbye to my little angel. I have muslins that DD used as a baby to wrap the baby in, and I need to pack my bag. I think I'm ready, but how is one ever ready for this? I think I am still in denial but tomorrow it will become real. I will never ever forget my last little baby, seeing her so tiny and so beautiful after she was born. I called her Lucia because it means light and that felt right.

Part of me still can hardly accept this is happening to me again...

Can'tdothisagain, don't know what to say just wish you were here to give a hug to and pat you and make you a cup of tea.
Will you bring one of the mussies home? I have got one of daisy's wraps that she lay in, and I keep it under my pillow with her weeny teddy.
I am so sorry that this has to be real for you again. It is such a sorrowful thing to happen.
I am very glad yo saw your last baby, Lucia. What a truly beautiful name. Do you know whether you have a boy or a girl this time?
I didn't hold my first baby Amy, because I was so drugged, and so tired.. and so scared at how fragile she looked. But I held daisy and will never forget how special that felt.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping it goes smoothly medically, and peacefully for you and your DH. I hope the staff treat you with kindness and compassion, and I hope the sun shines in a little to warm your day.

I sent out a text to people really close to me, after Daisy was born, to tell what time, what weight and her name. All the usual stuff for a baby. I just wanted something to be 'normal'. If you want to share these things with us at some point in the future, we would be honoured to be part of your baby's little life.

Sending you strength, love and special hugs.
Lins xxx

JJF, willing the hours away for you! Fingers so firmly crossed. I bet this week has felt like years. Hope you can sleep. xxxxxx

Marje, are you still there? Been thinking of you. How are you doing? xxxx

hey all, will have to fall in to bed early tonight - dd has not had her usual lunchtime nap today or yesterday...ARGH! This is not the time to give up daytime sleeps, when Mummy needs a nap too. 6 weeks, 5 days...need my sleep.

All this writing about Daisy made me think it was about time I plucked up the courage to go and collect her ashes (so fought for). So dd and i went to get them today. Was difficult, and had to take lots of deep breaths.
But then went for a wander round the crem and to the 'baby garden' and saw 15 newborn ducklings. 14 brown and one bright yellow. So, life goes on.

Take care all, especially those of you going through such hard stuff. hello to everyone. xxx

Hi all

Lins, I will share the baby's name with you. I don't know if it is a boy or girl yet. Consultant said that the complete lack of fluid made it difficult to see to start with and the baby was all bunched up, breech, so he wouldn't have known.

Well done for collecting Daisy's ashes. What will you do with them?

My last baby is in the Garden of Remembrance for lost babies in our hospital. I think this baby will join her.

Get some sleep, Lins! I remember 6 weeks and how tired I was. My DD still does nap during the day but her naps are too short for me to nap with her. Sweet dreams. xx

Cantdo - that is such good advice you gave to Brightonbaby - your voice and words remind me very very much of someone who posted their story to me on my orignal thread and I really did listen. Tiny things to comfort oneself - glass of wine, chocolate, a warm bath, a frivolous magazine. I wonder if it was you? And if so thank you because I held onto that piece of advice.
What a sad day tomorrow is.
Well done for preparing yourself so well.
There is little else you can do.
Have you decided what to do with your darling daughter - will you get home?
I agree that Lucia is a beautiful name.
Well done Cantdo - I am impressed with how you are talking to us through all this.Beex

Jumping Jellyfish - we are praying that all turns out well tomorrow and that you are holding onto yourself tonight.
Try and rest
hugs

Sleep well too Can'tdo. Emotional times...
Think Lucia will be waiting with open arms for your wee one, and will look after them. xxx

And Marjie - we are not giving up on you. We are still here and I hope you are reading honey and taking comfort where you can find it.
Bee xxx

Dearest Lins - I am glad you have found the strength to collect baby Daisy's ashes darling.
What a thing to have to do.
I like that you mention the sun being needed today to somehow warm Cantdo through her day
xxxxx

Well it was far from a restful night - my daughter decided to stay up almost all night. I think she sensed the suffering. Today I am even more tired than before and trying to prepare myself. In terms of going home, I will beg to be allowed back as soon as possible, but realistically I know I won't get home before she goes to bed unless things happen very fast. I am armed with novels and magazines for the waiting part after the pessaries before labour kicks in.

There is no sun here, but I know from experience that the hospital is inhospitably warm.

Busier, it wasn't me on your original thread. I have held back from giving advice because I don't know that what helps me helps anyone else.

Until today I have been quite strong. Today I will fall apart. Last time I found the pessaries almost impossible. My whole body resisted them. The nurse was very gentle, and I did take them eventually, but in some ways that was hardet for me.

Okay ladies, I'll be back tomorrow I hope and tell you what happened. I don't know how to say thank you for your support.

JJF, finally, I am thinking very very much of you. xx