support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

Hi Eulalia

DD doesn't have a choice! She's only 2 so I pretty much dictate what she does with her days!

The swimming actually isn't going too well, involves a lot of screaming...not pleasant....

Hi ladies.

I have come over here thanks to Busierbee. I hope it's okay. I have read through the thread and you are mostly past the raw horror now, so I hope I don't drag you down...

I am 20 weeks pregnant and the anomaly scan showed very low amniotic fluid and probably no kidneys, although the view was very poor so we're being sent to a fetal medicine centre tomorrow for another look as our hospital couldn't be sure 100%. Anyway I know the prognosis for either almost no amniotic fluid or no kidneys is very bleak. We have one DC already of 2, and lost a baby last year to a chromosomal disorder at 13 weeks. I am already facing up to the horror of termination because if my hospital is right and the baby has no kidneys, this condition is always fatal.

I can't believe this is happening. The consultant insists there's no link between kidney failure and the chromosomal problem we had last time (which was also fatal). But as I said I'm seeing specialists on Wednesday. I am part numb and part just want to lie down and howl and when I write here tears are dripping everywhere. But I'm trying to keep it together for my 2 year old who needs me and who is a joy.

Linspins, congratulations on your pregnancy. I have fingers firmly crossed for you...

Oh Cantdothisagain. How truly awful that this is happening again. Please don't worry about bringing us down, it's the purpose of the board, and every one of us has had a bad day and ranted here.

It's amazing how our children can make life worth living in times like these. I'm not sure I'd have coped if it weren't for DD.

Thinking of you and hoping that things all work out as well as they possibly can.

B x

Morning Cantdothisagain,

Welcome to the thread, but so sorry you have to be here.

Don't worry about the stages people are at, JJF is awaiting results and Linspins is inher next pregnancy so there is a place and a time for everyone. Regardless of what is happening physically, all here are moving in and out, back and forward, up and under stages of grief, stress and trauma, so this is a fluid place. We have sunshine days and grey days, sometimes all at the same time, sometimes not.

The numbness is maybe a good thing, it will get you to tomorrow, when you wil have expert opinions and know where the road lies.

I'm so sorry Cantdothisagain.

How are you can't?

How are you JJF?

Hi everyone

Thank you for your support. I am okay. Sitting reading in a daze, suddenly realizing that my barely there bump (I was the same with my 2 year old, hardly any bump, and she was fine) meant something more sinister (ie no fluid).

I say in a daze, but part of me expected something to go wrong after last time.

Prayers, thoughts, anything are welcome and I am grateful for them. I am not religious, though was brought up in a church going family, and I went to the service for my lost baby last year (a little girl) thinking it wouldnt help, but actually something in the familiar CofE rituals did comfort me somehow.

Just marking time, really, until tomorrow, though tbh I know what to expect them to say, and this is just a check on better machines with better imaging, and techniques, that the first hospital (who couldnt see properly, hence the referral) is right. I am sure they are; everything fits. But I need to make sure.

Oh and I feel selfish as I am not taking notice of individuals..

JJF, I really feel for you. I was petrified leading up to the 12 week nuchal this time. I really hope you get the result you need and can start to relax.

Oh Cantdothisagain, I so feel for you. Having got so far on I can only imagine your agony. I really hope what they find tomorrow somehow allows you to start moving onwards with decisions etc. (better still would of course to be told everything is fine, but I know from what I've read too that very low AF is very worrying). I find this stange limbo, of knowing there is most likely a very serious problem but not being 100% sure is such a deeply unsettling place, and very very hard to cope with. I am so sorry too that you have been through so much before, it makes it so incredibly hard when lightening strikes twice in spite of all the statistical odds. Am holding you in our thoughts and hope somehow you will be able to find comfort from our little bunch here.

Tree- I do indeed only have the internet at work, and this week only working Mon-Weds, so will be offline for a while when we get the news...which frankly makes me a little worried as I think I will need to seek some solace here...So I may see if can sneak in for a couple of hours sometime after Friday. Next week we are up to our eyes with hospital apts- a full day long annual review on Mon for DD, which I dread for obvious reasons, and then dermatology on Tues for DS, so won't be in work so much...

Bee- hope you are doing ok, read through your holiday saga- my goodness I do hope you complain! And write to the Gaurdian too!

Welcome cantdothisagain. I am very for you. Don't worry about not getting back to individuals, you have enough to worry about. Take care and let us know how things go tomorrow.

JJF - good to hear from you too and we are looking forward to hearing your news when you can get to a computer!

Sorry am a bit rushed today, someone coming round and trying to tidy up.

Can'tdothis, i only have 2 mins before dd arrives home but I have to write to say i am thinking of you. I have lost 2 dd, at 22 weeks and 17 weeks, through severe heart problems and (different) chromosomal problems. I thought I 'couldn't do this again', but strangely, the second termination allowed me to do things 'right' (sorry that will sound very odd). I gave birth to my angel, held her and talked to her, took photos, wrapped her up and said goodbye properly.
I know how much of a shock it is for something to go wrong a second time and always be looking for reasons and answers.
We will all be here to hold your hand, whatever the outcome.
Not into the whole prayers thing but sending special hugs to you. ((()))
My dd, who is two and three quarters, is also my joy and stopped me falling in to that 'dark pit'. Glad you have got one too!
Am pregnant again, and terrified. But what will be will be...
Post as much or as little as you like, we will support you.
Love Lins xx

Thank you all. I will come back tomorrow and report.

Funnily enough, well, not funny, but anyway, the baby seems to have stopped moving. I suspect this is just because there is no room to move, rather than because the baby has died (it had a very active hb on Friday, and the consultant said with this condition babies tend to survive in the womb, albeit squashed) but I don't even feel pregnant today, almost. I know what is coming - that feels terrible, that I've given up hope, but really I could tell from the consultant the other day that there simply was no hope.

Lins, I have read your story and I wish you very well. I can fully imagine your fear now, and I wish you all the very best.

JJF, hugs to you - and very best of luck too.

Oddly in some ways knowing the condition is fatal makes it easier - no room for speculation. I honestly can't see it's kinder to the baby or me to go through pregnancy, birth, then watch the baby die within 45 minutes, which is the prognosis. In some ways this makes the decision easier.

I will come back and tell you all what happens tomorrow. Thank you for your care. xx

Dear Cantdothisagain
Welcome to your little world -and so sad you have to be here. Please never ever feel that you will drag us down with your sorrow at all. We all move in and out of it as Tree says and the whole reason we still pop in every day is because we need the connection still.
The numbness must be the only way through. There seems no justice in the world sometimes - yet as Growing Up so wisely says there does seem to be some kind of strength that I for one did not know i possessed that gets one through these things.
And it is a busy thread so do not feel you have to respond to us one and all - we will not mind.
I was permanently attached to my laptop - I did not know what else to do with myself and the women here have... well saved my soul. They really have. The honesty and support is so vital and there will always be someone to hold your hand.
Thinking of you and hoping so much that you are treated kindly and gently and humanely - is someone accompanying you?
Big big hugs
Busier Bee
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cantdothisagain, the thread growingup is talking about is
here

Thank you for linking to that thread. I have read several blogs of women who chose to continue pregnancy after diagnosis of a lethal condition - mainly in the US, it would seem. But it doesn't change my mind. And I say this in full awareness of what it means to go through with this after last time (though this time I will be a lot further on so I know it will be a lot worse). I just don't see that continuing would be a viable choice for me.

The whole question of termination is so difficult. I have always been pro-choice without ever really imagining it would be a choice I would have to make. And I wholeheartedly wish I didn't have that kind of choice ahead of me now, but in a sense it feels like a non choice.

I'm still numb, mostly. Just put DD to bed, about to make dinner. All normal daily routine, which somehow goes on.

I suspect the shock will kick in tomorrow...

cantdo -- I know what you mean about the decision being taken away, so that dreadful position of having to decide is so incredibly agonizing.

I haven't had to make those decisions, but, 'there but the grace of god...'

if it's any comfort though, I was in a similar position when my dad died. He was killed in a car crash, but some off duty doctors managed get a heartbeat and took him to the nearest hospital. He was brain dead and I was asked whether I wanted to take him off life support. They thought I was over 18 at the time (I was 16), but the decision was taken out of everyone's hands (my grandparents, his parents, refused to turn the machines off) as he died on life support.

If Tree were around, no doubt she would prescribe quiet/gentle time and perhaps a few indulgences.

Be kind to yourself.

I'm here, cashmere blanket in tow.

I do indeed prescribe warmth, soft sounds, gentle mushy food, a warm house. Especially tomorrow, should what you expect happen.

Put a competent other in charge of parking tomorrow, have the change, arrive early or get dropped off if at all possible. Have the moniles charged/ Make sure you know where you are going. Maybe make extra dinner tonight so you have something ready to go for dd tomorrow.

I only list these as I have seen people in similiar situations, and the really normal simple irritating things become the biggest tasks in the world for them. Trying to find fecking change for parking, should scans take longer or consultations overrun, for example.

When people remember traumatic hard times - they will often recall the brightness, the physical discomfort, the difficulty eating hard food. It makes sense.

Cantdo - you have been stout in heart to look at the blogs and look into the paths before you. I wish you peace with your decision. Have you had quite this evening, or some movments? I only ask to show you we are listening and we are not frightened of your reality - you can talk about it here if yuo want to.

Linspins - have tears and small smile remembering your time. I'm humbled by how positive your memories are.

Sad stories. x

Ilove, it is similar, in a way. And I am sorry you have lost your dad so young.

Tree, thank you for the advice. I am going with DH and he has sorted out the change. Dinner - haven't got that far for tomorrow yet - luckily DD is at nursery tomorrow and they feed her tea, so she just has toast, yoghurt etc if she's hungry at home.

Actually what I am finding hardest is when DD isn't here, like now when she's asleep. I feel utterly sad and lost without her. Oh and the baby hasn't moved once today, I don't think. Part of me wonders if its heart has stopped, but I think it's more likely to be lack of space.

As for reading those blogs, I had a weekend where I deliberately refrained from reading on the internet (scan was Friday) and since then have read compulsively. Not to scare myself, but to have some knowledge with which to wrap myself when I see more specialists.

I am very tired though, utterly weary...

How is DH?

Can'tdothis, I know what you mean about it being a non-decision. I have friends from ARC who have been in just the same position.
I wanted to say to you that if what you are expecting to find out turns out to be true and you have to let your baby go, then don't be rushed through the system. You may feel that once you have decided then the quicker the better, but I found that taking the time to say goodbye in your own way makes the grieving less...something, I can't put in to words.
I don't feel it is appropriate for me to write more now about things you could do to because I am hoping against hopes that there may be good news.
Surround your self with the softest blanket you can find, and stroke your tummy and try to get some sleep.
Thinking of you tomorrow.
Hope you and DH are coping ok together. xxx

Ilovemydog, that's very sad about your Dad. xxxx

DH is more shocked than me, outwardly fine, but very worried about me more than anything. Although interestingly the last time, I coped physically and he ended up quite seriously ill.

He is also more optimistic than me and hasn't quite abandoned all hope, whereas I have.

Off to bed now to read. I just have no energy! thanks for talking to me.

Sorry, cross-posted Lins. Thank you for being so nice. I will come back tomorrow and tell you all what happened, as long as I'm coherent enough to do so. Thank you again. I feel anxious elsewhere on the board that anti-termination people will say things that hurt. This feels safe, even if it's an open forum and anyone can read it.

Just have to say, completely off topic, I am very grumpy!! Dd took forever to go to bed tonight and used every trick in the book. ARGH. And I am soooooo tired. AND my car wouldn't start this morning causing all sorts of logistical problems, and now I don't know what is wrong with it but I know it will be expensive!!!
And now the weathe ris going to get colder just when I was enjoying the heat. BOO HOO.

Sorry for that little rant, think I am a bit hormonal!!

Love to you all.

xx

I think this is quite safe here as it is a support thread and tends to stay like that. Don't worry what anyone says, only you know what is best for you and DH and your wee one.
Sleep well honey. xx
Come back to tell us only if you have energy, if not we will write to you anyway, just for you to read. xx