support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

Sadly cannot claim this for my own - t'was BB who had the idea of a captain of the thread. It's a lovely idea - a watchman girl for our sailing boat. It's lovely as I've noticed whoever is feeling sunny and ok takes the helm naturally.

Wonder how all others are? Enjoying the sun hopefully.

AAAhhhhhh. OOhhhh. You guys are so ... noisy. Sshhhhhh.
(EVerything in very tiny voice) - Hello girls.
Thank you for praising my writing dearest Marjie -It has come out from me since I have been on mumsnet - this absolute need to represent my tangled thoughts with neat little words and it does help me in fact.
Marjie - I am worried about you darling. It is so very tough what we have all been through and you have been to The Dark Place before. But can I reassure you that I had the same feelings of doom and panic on my flight? I think it is something to do with unexpected horridness in life - and if we can suddenly have our lives turned upside down, who is to say that it could not happen at any second?
But life goes on. You are not alone. I totally understand your fears and anxieties - I have told you before that I had a breakdown after my husband moved out. It was the most horrifying time - so alone, so trapped in an unreal and unmanageable space. The edge of madness really. So, off to the doctor's love to make an appointment to see a counsellor if you are strong enough. I have been in therapy for six or seven years now - I am the long term committed. You do not have to go if an appointment comes up but it is there as an option. Could you explain to your GP that you may need to come and see her or him weekly for a bit?
It is so tough for the hubbies as they feel so useless I think. Can you try and articulate your pain honey to him?
Go back a few steps if you need to. Retreat to the raw days - and just let the feelings in a bit if you can. Are you distractable or is it a constant every minute anxiety love?
Re the weight thing - sorrow and loss overwhelm us and eating may be comforting. Your lovely gentle, intelligent thoughtful voice shines through here. You might not feel it but you sound sane and normally anxious and sweet and friendly to me.
Off to nurse the poor overcharged body ladies.

Thats great advice from Bee - go back a few steps, retreat to raw days. You can do that here you know.

x

GRoan groan.
Have had hummus and pitta bread.
Was fun but a bit, you know, posh.
Some stupid woman told me how she had stopped at two children as she had started late and the risk for DS went sky high. Really? I smiled.
Another woman of 42 with a 1 year old and a 4 year old tells me she is planning to have two more. Yes it really is that easy apparently.
Hello Treetops - are you okay sugar? How is Dh and his spirits?
Wishes and cuddles to JJF - and hoping you okay my dear.
Big big hug to Marjie again.
Hello to Lins with the Great Pins and hope you not too tired or scared or whathaveyou.
kisses to all my super duper women who pop in here now and again.Bezzy - Do not get too attached to that badge girlfriend!

Hello growingup - welcome back.

Am off to Cornwall mate!! Obviously when you have no family income you go on holiday.

It is prebooked so can't get out of it to save funds.

Say prayer for job Missus. The only other firm localy that would ever recruit is going to fold, according to local info. Long term unemployment looms.

Yes that would be nice too.

Especially in light of this

Can't afford the rain, as can't afford specialist wellies!!

Growing up I was all confused there for a minute - who is this new lady? Nearly sent you a message to ask you to remind me of your story!
Tee hee.
Treetops - so glad you are going on holiday anyway honey - will be delightful - you have each other and lovely girls- and Hunter Wellies? Pah!
But we will miss you - when you orf love?

Well......I am going to Devon with my mothers bright orange tent [think The Good Life era]. Then on Saturday I am picking up our VW camper van that we have rented for a week!

Woo Hoo!! AM really excited, should be a laugh with a 4yo and a 4mo.

It was meant to be the Cote d'Azure like last year, but after the redundancy in Nov till March we figured best not blow the £1500 we had left. Now with this news, we should not go anywhere - but it's booked and paid for so off we go.

So how was your break growingup - I haven't even asked!

Are you growing up? Or do you refer to dc's?

Jolly good news though as weather looking sweeeet I think. LM's mother lives in Biddyland - Paignton in Devon.
And a VW campervan will be a hoot - surely baby can sleep in the glove compartment - or does she spend the night attached to your bosom?
I did ask about your egg donation day about three pages back! Hope it went well honey - When is the next episode in the story?
When you off?

Growing up - I admire the way you tried so relentlessly to represent the other side - or should I say one of the sides- of the coin on the 'other' thread.
Sadly you could try to show your compassionate spirit until you were blue in the face but some people, not many I suspect, will never feel compassion for the women who have made those choices for all sorts of reasons.
Some people like to shout and not listen.
Here is a listening, humane spot and am so glad you are still here - growing up, down, in or out.
kisses to you sweet soul

Hello my lovely ladies

The CVS did indeed happen on Friday- 3rd time lucky worked for us, now hoping it'll also work for the LO's status & this pregnancy. Was so relieved on Friday that we wouldn't have to embark on heading to other hospitals etc. that all nervousness left me, which was a good thing as the consultant had to go in twice to get enough tissue, and it was pretty sore the second time!

So now on the wait. Been very lucky with no spotting etc., and did take it easy on Sat and feel pretty much back to normal now. Have a lot of bruising on my tummy though- is that normal? Guessing it probably is. Rubbing in lots of arnica cream so should heal quickly. We should get results hopefully on or before Friday via my lovely obs consultant. In a way I am a little lost now, just in limbo, nothing more to do but wish time away, no more planning, no more organising. Am so lucky to have my DCs, I find I'm taking great comfort in them at the moment. DH is a little lost I feel, now sure how to deal with this stage. He's such a, well, man- needs to be practical with solutions etc. and this limbo land has no ready solution. We just don't talk about it at all really... Found myself in tears for 2 hours on Saturday night (triggered by finishing reading The Time Travellers Wife...so in a way cathartic I think) and DH was out doing up our new house which we hope to move into in a couple of weeks...and bless him he had no idea I'd been so upset- looked at my puffy eyes in the morn in concern but I was asleep before he came home that eve... Don't know if he can really help much as he's not great at talking through emotions, but I felt like I was about to burst...the longing that everything will be ok and the knowledge that in a way the LO's fate is already determined and yet I don't know that fate yet... Well you all know too well how it feels

I am getting so big I really ought to be in maternity clothes, and I'm sure people must be guessing but I have a mental block that I cannot move into maternity clothes until we know all is ok... My MIL was up yesterday and we both took the DCs to a medieval festival while FIL and DH worked on the house- I so wanted to tell her as I'm sure she can see the weight gain, and I still felt pretty bruised from the CVS, but know it could break her heart. Just want this week over now...

Lins- I'm not sure I said it before, but huge congrats on your news...Keeping everything crossed for you

BB- thank you so much for your kind offers had I needed to come to London, it mean a great deal to have the support.

growingup- sorry you had to namechange- I really have so much respect for your posts and think it is incredibly sad that at times you have been "jumped on" in some threads and almost forced into silence. You are so open minded, well balanced and bring a good perspective to debates. Hope the ms is being kept at bay xx

I am sorry I haven't caught up with everyone properly but feeling the work guilt this morn...

Sending much love to you all

Good morning people!

Both times when I had amnio, the waiting periods were in Cornwall, for some reason. It wasn't planned. I can remember the exact bench where we were when I called the genetic unit. Their policy was to call either way which was infinitely more humane than another hospital in the area where they only call if there are results which need to be discussed. But I called them with the excuse that I wasn't at home, mobile in poor reception area which was ridiculous as I calling them on a mobile.

I know what you mean about getting maternity clothes. I ended up splurging at Isabella Oliver on the justification I needed smart work clothes which is probably a good reason, but probably didn't need that party dress

Oooo Isabella Oliver. Droool.

So JJF - thankfully you don't have to go on some great mission overseas to get the service you need. I am relieved for you.

Now we play the waiting game - big breath in and hold.........

We are all here and will get you through the week.

Oh JFF you are so brave to go through all that! Thanks for updating us and I hope the next few days go by fast for you. We are all here to hold your hand.

Well the pool was gorgeous and ds2 loved the new paddling pool, we could have been abroad it was so warm. I have a bit of a headache now, maybe too much sun or my period. I was in a bit of a panic as it was a day or two late and it got me thinking about if I can handle the whole baby issue again. I?d hate the idea of ending my pregnancy ?career? with 2 terminations and with my age I?d be unlikely to get another chance and not sure if I could go through termination again anyway so if I were to have a baby I?d have to consider a disabled baby. It doesn?t make sense to reject one only a few months ago and then think that it would be OK now. I think I can put the whole of what happened in March behind me and move on. It all seems so very unreal anyway. Probably because I was so blissfully unaware and naive about it happening to me I didn?t have any of that anxiety till the day I got the results and everything happened so fast after that. So it?s just like a little island of sadness in an otherwise normal and happy life. If I carry on with thoughts of a baby it would be so different this time with worry, the testing and of course the result. Also I?d be looking at a 4 ½ /5 year age gap from my youngest? and I think my existing kids deserve my attention, not to have it taken away from them? they are growing up and getting more interesting and fun to be with. And it?s been nearly 10 years of baby, baby and toddler, then baby, toddler, and small child! It?s been hard work and I need to look forward to things being a bit easier on myself. We are considering fostering once ds2 starts school in 2010 and maybe even adopting which would be rewarding to have another child around without having to do the whole giving birth thing myself!

So yes feeling a lot happier, although I think it will hit me hard again when the due date comes around in August. Of course I have lots of scenarios playing through my head if I?d gone ahead with this pregnancy, usually involving a sunlit room with a baby gurgling away and my other kids looking fondly on but I know that the reality wouldn?t be like that!

OK will stop wittering on. Time for a cup of tea and a sit in the sun before it turns really cold tomorrow (I am the only lazy cow here who doesn?t have a job?!)

Hello All

I can relate to what you are saying Eulalia, about 'making peace' with your situation. I felt that I was feeling much better once weI'd decided what our plans should be for the future. I suppose it's a classic case of looking to the future and accepting your past.

You're not the only bum around here, I don't work either HOWEVER, I do spend my days chasing a 2 year old and taking her to infinite classes...swimming, singing, gym....which in itself is a full time job.

I'm down in Bristol, and it's been flipping hot over the last couple of days. I spent 13 years living in South Africa and I'd say this is just as hot. GORGEOUS!

I'm having my front wall plastered today and the chap doing it, isn't the slimmest, and is wearing a VERY tight pair of white shorts. I'm trying to avoid looking out of the window.

B x

sorry JJF, I forgot to mention in earlier post that I was very relieved for you that you got the procedure out of the way. Keeping everything crossed for you.

Growing up, I was also in Cape Town! (the only place to be!)

aaaahhhhh biltong, boerewors and braaivleis....

Can I come?

Off to Cornwall on Thursday, leaving about 3am. Really ought to pack or something....

How is everyone? Am I right JJF only had internet at work?

How are you Marj1?

And everyone out there of course

Weird its not dark yet outside.

Bezzy, wow your dd does all that! My dd doesn't do any classes, tried lots of things, dancing, cheerleading but she just gives them up. She loves being at home with me actually which is rather sweet, but I find it tiring at times always being her 'friend'.

My first trip abroad was in a camper van, aged 4 way back in (ahem) 1969, we drove all the way to Spain, happy days. Loved camping, not done it for years as dh doesn't like it, nearest we got to was a canal boat holiday a few years back which was really good fun but youngest was really too little for it.

well I am ramblilng, bed time, night night. Hope you feeling better marj, have you made that GP appointment yet? xxx