support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

Morning bezzk.

Pants about your drive, raining here too, on my nearly dry heavy heavy heavy duvet cover. Bugger.

I think the thread ebbs and flows, sometimes there's a flurry, sometimes it cruises along.

I'm sure whilst there are many lurkers and readers, there is no need to be frightened. Debate is out there for those who feel strong enough to enter into it. Issues around disability, screening and how these things are handled by society are current and rl for many, so the debate will continue.

I hope that is reasuring to any one who feels inhibited. If anyone has anything to add or offer, or feels differently please do say. It is important to have clear air, here more than anywhere. The people here need clear fresh air.

x post justa.

Morning!

I just know that, had the thread been there in the beginning for me, it would have been extremely upsetting and there's no way I'd have been brave enough to post. Hence, I'd probably still be wailing constantly, and not on the road to recovery, like I am now, thanks to you all xx

PS just got call from pavers....they're not coming in...humph

treedelivery - your post regarding the 'other thread' mirror mine exactly. i also think actually, its really not anything to do with you (not you td, the 'others' - ooh its like an episode of Lost - which won't make any sense to people who haven't seen Lost)

gotta go and work - big up and congrats to linspins.

Hello Fio

I think it is good of you to pop in, but like justa this is actually nothing to do with me Am just a do gooder.

I agree the 'them and us' thing would be a grand disaster, and would go a long way to polorise views. This may lead women to not consider options fully, feeling rather they are firmly in one camp [whichever one it was].

God lets have this forum a place where people can look around without passing security at the thread gate. But I see that to post in plain English, in support of any action, can be seen as a comment on others right to life, or screening choices, or indeed parenting style, or feeding choice. I actually have no answer to that.

So no help really.
Bugger!

FioFio - what you say personally sounds perfectly balanced and fine by me! Thanks for posting. Others though I suspect are a bit more "raving"!

Linspins- wonderful news! Will be holding you in my thoughts- really hope life is kind to you this time. I completely know what you mean about everything already being set in concrete but no way of knowing what that is yet, and the agony of waiting and being powerless to change anything. Sums up how I feel completely.

Fio- thank you for posting. I too worry that a "them" and "us" feeling has developed, which is neither supportive, nor conducive to open, honest and balanced debate. I really feel to for your situation and your own personal history.
This thread is a support thread nonetheless, and so should most of the threads be under this topic- judgementalism can be reserved for elsewhere on the MN boards.
I feel very uncomfortable with all of this, as in a way my DD is disabled, and I have minor disabilities (and was classed as disabled as a teen) which have affected me and my family greatly over my life. Yet I am also sure that I cannot at the moment bring a child into the world knowing they have a testable life limiting condition- I know my family can't really cope with that- but I also know there is no way of predicting the future and it's always possible that any one of us or our DCs could become seriously disabled and we would find a way to cope. Morally it is a quagmire, with little consistency!

But this little thread of ours feels somehow safe, because we are not entering debate but just trying to help each other through incredibly awful situations- situations none us would wish on anyone, but for each of us personally have been unavoidable.

Sorry I am perhaps not in the best place emotionally to discuss all this right now, but just wanted to rant a little! Rant over now!

Love to you all.

Been thinking of you JJF. How are you today?

WOW linspins!!! fantastic news! Am so pleased for you. I hope you feel well in this pregnancy, we'll be here supporting you all the way!

Tree- thank you for thinking of me. If I'm honest I'm struggling a little. I swing between burying my head in the sand and keeping busy and then dwelling on the situation and feeling the enormity of it all. DH cannot take Friday off work, so I am struggling to find childcare, and he wants me now to call my MIL with yet another "excuse" and see if she minds looking after them...but it's for the whole day and they live quite far away so would have to be up very early to get to us in time for me to leave...and I am just not sure I can invent any more excuses...It is so utterly exhausting. Asked DH to just take a day off as sick leave or something but he's concerned that his company are looking for excuses to lay people off and doens't want to give them any, understandably. The hospital has a creche but DD is poorly so don't want her mixing there really The one other friend who could help out has to work on Friday too. I just wish right now I lived closer to my family as know they'd help out- but they're in England so not too handy!

It sounds daft but after all this turmoil I feel we deserve a good result once the CVS finally happens! And knowing there's a 25% chance we'll get a bad one breaks my heart.

Sorry lots of ranting again
Going to try to focus on the present moment again...

Tree ? yep I tried to post from a personal viewpoint without revealing my position, I hope I did it OK. I could have said ?I did this? but its no-one else?s business, although of course its all here if anyone cares to read it ? am totally honest though about things and would have said if anyone had asked. The thing is one can be ?happy? about their choice whilst simultaneously deeply unhappy, that?s the weird thing about it. Personally for me it felt wrong from a moral point of view but the practical aspects of my life outweighed that. That is why I said we don?t live in a moral vacuum?. But I?d better stop philosophising!

JJF ? thanks for sharing your view and I see we do think the same way.

ilovemydogandmrobama ? any sign of the 5p!?

Kate ? hope you are having a good holiday.

Hi to Shangrilla, bezzyk (sorry to hear you are ill), lindso, justa, BB ( hope you are getting something good from your holiday), marj and SAM (not heard from you for ages).

Hope I?ve not missed anyone, take care and enjoy the sun ? we are due a hot and sunny weekend ahead!

No sign of 5p!

Spoke to his GP (seems I'm always on the phone to Consultant/Dietician/GP/allergy nurse ) and said to take advice from Children's Hospital. They said up until 2 weeks is OK, as long as he isn't in distress.

He is such a boy

Must dash -- he's put his face in the dog bow

Hi Fio (and all here)

Thank you for your balanced and informative post.

I read with interest your words:

'as adults we all have the willpower and empathy to respect one another choices and circumstances'.

This you clearly have, in bucketloads. Not everyone else - on both sides of the divide (for that is what that thread has sadly become) has it. Inflammatory content and wording help absolutely none of us.

Interestingly, I'm assuming the OP was trying to find out what goes through the minds of women who have chosen to terminate. Only a few of the women I share this particular thread have felt brave enough to share their experiences and frankly, it's no wonder. For that very reason, (imho) the thread was always doomed to polarisation and to not truly reflect the genuine thoughts and concerns of pregnant women in this situation.

I can't see the thread resolving in a positive way, so am assuming it will rumble on, but the hide facility on mumsnet is worth its weight in gold!

The thread has been like the elephant in the room for me, so I just had to post this. Particularly since Fio had been so good as to share her thoughts in a constructive way. I speak for myself and hope no offence is caused.

I have to go out now, but want to talk to JJF so will be back asap for you i you want a natter. And anyone else of course!!

xx to all.

Shangrilla, I know what you mean about the elephant in the room. I think many posters on the debate there have tried to put things in a balanced way but there have been such strong views at both ends of the spectrum, that the whole thread has a very horrible feel. I also think this thread isn't (for me..and I think others) the place to discuss those issues so I will shut up now!

Here should be a safe haven from the spotlight and a true support thread without anyone having to justify their actions.
We've already made our 'choices' and you can't turn back time. I wouldn't change my choice even if you could, I think I did what was best for my little girls.

The tiredness has really set in today. I need to go to bed. I had a tiny nap when Dd had her lunchtime snooze, but it wasn't long...
At least not feeling sick yet. (you wait, I will prob feel hellish tomorrow now I've said this!)

Jellyfish, hope the time is passing ok and your head hasn't exploded with anxiety and thoughts. Still fingers firmly crossed. xxx

Bezzy, get well soon!! Again. Poor poppet. xxxxxx

Well everyone, I am off to the Isle of Wight on Friday until Sunday so I will be away from Mumsnet - argh! Hopefully pop in tomorrow (yeah right, i can't stay away).

Thanks everyone for all your messages re: bubba number 4. Hopefully he/she is growing well and may even have a heart beat now. I am certainly going to need your support as this continues. I haven't had the courage to join the 'due Jan 2010' thread yet.

ok, off to bed. Love to you all. Night night. xxx

(justabout) Growingup, hope you have a good few days away. Take care. xxxxxx

OOO Lins - I was a Jan 09 girl! We couldn't believe it when we saw a Jan 10 thread, proof our babies are gettimg on a bit!

How are you Bezzy?

How are you JJF? Hows the time passing?

My dh was made redundant this am, he was same in November, and got a job after 3 months. Has been there 3 months so here we go again.

Have a great time away growingup, hope you recharge your batteries. x

so, so sorry to hear Tree, nasty times we're living in. Here's hoping he gets something sorted soon.

I'm doing much better thanks, antibiotics appear to have done their trick and i can now move my head without it feeling like i've been kicked there!

Love to everyone xx

Thats good bezzyk.

When is bb back?

Cheers by the way!

tree, sorry to hear the bad news, hope something else turns up soon.

bezzyk, hope that's you well and proper now.

have a good trip growingup.

Am off myself, not going anywhere just need to get on with stuff in the house and will definately be heading for the beach, probably tomorrow and definately at the weekend!

xxxx

Busier Bee, I know you are due back today. Just wanted to say HELLO if you log on tonight....but actually hope that you don't, and get a lovely sleep instead of reading too much Mumsnet!!

I'm off tomorrow early until Sunday but catch up with you then. xxxxx