support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

How this thread moves! I feel like such a part-timer. I've been away with work all week and am only now finding some 'time for me'. Well, that's the theory anyway.

Welcome and hello to all the new posters. To introduce myself, I have had 2 terminations for T21 and far too many MMC to go into detail about. But in the midst of all this sorrow, I have my pride and joy - my lovely DD. I've found this to be the only place where I can share a rant, have a virtual hug or raise a drunken glass with a band of women who truly understand and make no judgement. It's a rare space.

BB - you've had a rollercoaster week. In response to your earlier question, I would love to be able to CAT and would be happy to talk with you more personally, if you think it would help. But I need to set my CAT up first. I initially came to Mumsnet 6 years ago and, in the absence of a 'safe place' such as this, I kept myself buttoned up and never dreamed anyone here would want to CAT me - so I never did anything about it. I 'll set it up tomorrow and then, when you come back from your trip, we can chat, should you still want to.

I do hope you make the most of your time away. After my second tx, we went to Cyprus perhaps two months afterwards. Bittersweet sunsets with a glass of something cold in your hand are a great way of fathoming what can/should be done with the waltzer ride of emotions. I found the thinking time perfect. Hope you do too. And if it comes, at least the rain will be warm rain!

Congratulations to all those who have had good news and continued hopes for the happiest of outcomes to all ladies here.

Jellyfish, sending you heaps of luck and hope it all goes ahead when you need it to, and that you manage the whole horrid waiting business. We will be thinking of you. With the very best of wishes, love Lins xx

What a busy day!!

I popped in to wish Bee a happy holiday, I hope you get peacefull nights and sunshiny days.

And JellyFish - I hope the testing goes to plan. You will be in my thoughts.

I can't really stop, not and reply to Shangrila and the new posters too. I have loads to do for tomorrow [it's egg donation 1st meeting day, a day of bloods, councelling, scans etc]. It's 2.5 hours each way and train is at 7am, back tomorrow noight about 8pm. So I might not be about tomorrow either, pending exhaustion.

So big waves to the new posters, we all hope you stay, or lurk and get support that way.

Justa, gutted for you! Scary scary shit. I guess you may not have made the GP visit?

Absolutely, and hopefully a beter one for you justa.

Tree, I really hope tomorrow goes ok, and you survive the journey. It's such a special thing you are doing..in fact more than special, there isn't a word for it.

Justa lovey! Your poor Ds! All go to bed now. I hope he is breathing better today. Maybe you will be able to get some answers for yourself tomorrow... Sleep well xxx

Life is so complicated isn't it.

Shangrilla, good to see you on here. How are you doing?

Bee, you might be packing now, but if you read this... but I do so hope the sun shines on your hol, even just a little bit. Thinking of you. xxx

Right, off to have a cup of tea and collapse on sofa. maybe even [gasp] speak to husband...

Lins xx

Thanks linspins. Am thinking of a follow my egg thread in coneption. Do you think that would be ok, not upsetting to anyone?

Or to you ladies!!?? I will keep my chatter on the topic to it's thread, there will be days when you don't want to know I'm sure.

Much love to all.

I think posting on the conception thread would be lovely, but we do also want to hear about it too! xxx

Lovely ladies
Justa - what a trauma for you all - I do feel for you; so upsetting when the smalls are poorly - puts it all in perspective really. Poor wee man.
Tree - you are such a Tree - and am very moved that you would be doing such a generous life giving thing - but not surprised as it fits in with what I know of you. Hope little Hattie behaves herself tomorrow darling and that your eggs are fresh as daisies! Is an adventure.
Lins the Pins - glad spotty botty not so spotty and will miss you when in Espana.
Shangrilla - I would like to get in touch with you if that is okay with you - only that I really feel you know this serial DS situation better than most and would like to talk about it in more private way. Not expecting you to fix me- but maybe we can share some thoughts on the matter.
Marj - you will be in Portugal now - will wave from my damp corner of Spain!!
Bezzy - love to you and also to Lindso and all the new mums and golly have i left anyone out!?
If so I apologise as have started on holiday mode already by having glass of pink stuff!
Night night my friends
Be gentle on selves and good luck with all that needs good luck with
Busier Bee

Lins - when you post on the thread you are the only name that comes out in purple -everyone else in blue?
Explain!

LM bravely confessed that he also feels sad that our dear friends are pregnant and we are not - so not just us women who feel it.
BB xxxxxxx

Hello everyone
So much said since I was last on.. and am feeling a bit addled with tiredness, but really want to say hello - apologies if it's not very lucid!
BB - glad you in holiday spirits - a good sign.. hope you are able to enjoy, and can I join all the others in saying I think your writing is also stand out - I think it's amazing - even the way you put pauses in with the commas - I really mean it!
JJF - good luck tomorrow.
Katerina - welcome... am so sorry you've had to go through all that.. I'm a bit of a believer that until you are faced with the decision very few people can know what they actually would do... so try to be gentle with yourself... you can't really prepare yourself for it until you get there, and once you did have to make that decision, you spent time with your DH working out what to do, and making the calls and doing the research - you did all you could have done... Hard times...
Justa - am so pleased you had a good scan, and hope DS improving, and really hope things go ok with you at the docs...
Tree - good luck tomorrow too - think thread idea good one - and feel free to ask me anything (have to confess it feels a slightly dim memory now, but will do my best!).
As for me - have had a weekend with my parents which was great. Saw doc again on fri for check up re infection, and she wanted to refer me straight up to gynae at hospital, but they said no - more antibiotics and to rest... humph... Bit confused, and it made me a bit concerned. Did go to hospital today - I really needed reassurance - took for ever, but the good news is that they reckon things are improving, and this lot of antibiotics should do it - so tmrw is last day of antibiotics, and on Sat I will be able to have a large drink - at last! Exhausted, but relieved and hopefully I can now move on - phew!
Lins - hope the pox continues to get better - sorry she has had such a rough time of it.
Hugs all round - all the old faces (can I say that?), and new ones too...
Good luck again for everyone tomorrow - so many different things going on.
S xx

SAM - I of course had to log on before running out the door - off to my parents to dump the car and, would you believe it, all my laundry. What a teeenager I am. Am going with Big Girl and Little Boy. Medium boy staying here for one more day and coming tomorrow with LM. What was I thinking?!
How will I negotiate car hire, finding villa, bugs, lizards, supermarkets, and the obvious serial killer who will attack me and The Children in the night?
Can not believe you must take more anti-biotics-seems so unfair on top of everything else. But I do hope this is the last batch and that you can have a well earned, enormous splash of vino very soon.
So... off to rouse the Teen ('gerrofff') and panic about passports.
Missing you already in my restless sleep last night.
Wishing Tree again best of luck with today.
And hoping Needachat still reading and finding some solace in our funny corner of Mumsnet.
gentle hugs to all
Bee xxxxxxxxxx

And Golly sorry forgot to say Good Luck for today Jellyfish - I pray that when I return we have positive news for you.

Morning all,
the sun is out and the sky is blue here, hope you all have a bright day wherever you are.

Taking dd off to toddlers group this morning, think spots are better enough. Don't think she is contagious any more...

Kate and needachat, hope you are ok.

HELLO to Samr. (waves) here's a cheer to the end of antibiotics. Hope you've been taking your pro-biotics too!

Hello Lins and everyone,

Doing ok today, thanks. Had GP check-up last night, which turned out to be a general chat rather than any physical examination. She asked how we?re coping ? it?s a difficult one to answer, because we don?t know how we?re expected to be doing at this stage! At least having read everything here, I?ve been reassured that I?m not going completely crazy. I just said that I think we?re coping as well as can be expected ? work is a good distraction, but still very tired and emotional in the evenings.

A helpful thing that came out of the check-up was to remind us to chase the hospital for the final CVS results. I?ve never had any miscarriages and there?s no family history of Down?s, so they said at the time it?s highly unlikely they would find a genetic cause. It would be nice to know for sure, though, as I expect we?ll do quite a lot of thinking on holiday about the future and when we start to try again.

One thing the doctor did say was that the letter she received from the hospital mentioned we would get early and more frequent scans with any future pregnancies, and we could probably get the first scan as early as nine weeks. She also said we could probably get a CVS done at the same time, if this would reassure us. I didn?t know they could do them this early. We still don?t really know what we?d do in any future pregnancies ? it feels weird even thinking about it ? but it?s food for thought. Our gut feeling right now is that if we got a second Down?s diagnosis, we?d go ahead with the pregnancy as it would be fate (and I can?t begin to think how I could cope with a second termination). In which case, is there any point running the raised miscarriage risk of a CVS? But maybe we?ll find the only way to stay sane is to know for definite either way, in which case maybe it?s better to get the testing over with early rather than waiting for the nuchal scan at 11 weeks. And who knows what our actual reaction would be if we did get another positive diagnosis?.

Need to be strong for dinner with pregnant friend tomorrow night (she and her husband know some of what?s happened, so hopefully will be ok), followed by big family christening at the weekend. Thank god for the prospect of the holiday to get us through?!

Love to all
Kate xx

hi and thanks to all for your kind words and congrats. having some time off work and feeling less nauseous. someone asked me if i was pregnant today which was odd because i suddenly felt part of a 'club' which I didn't think I'd get into again and I was partly mortified because I'm only 14 weeks and clearly going to end up looking like the side of a house.

kayra - I'm 40 this year and currently really feeling it!

rest and time for reflection for those heading off on ther hols...

Thank you lindso. My prayers are with you

I had a missed miscarriage due to Trisomy 21. I am TTC again but very scared.

Hi-shooting through as have a 3 story 4 bed house to make clen by tomorrow. Crap - have friends coming an d this place looks lika student house.

egg donar business went great - will start thread tonight when house smels less.

bye for now, have read posts so love to all.

katerina100 After my mc and because of the problems I had with ds1 I was offered lots of scans which was great. I had one at 6 weeks to assess viability, another at 10 weeks to check for a heartbeat, then the 12 week and nuchal scan, the 20 week anomaly scan and then serial growth scans from 28 weeks.

It really put my mind at rest in the early days and as the pregnancy progressed it was lovley to see ds2 so often

Very best wishes to you (and everyone else of course!!) x

Hello Ladies.

have been doing really well over the last week, until last night....I hadn't seen a close friend for ages (other than the odd text) anyway, I wondered if she was pregnant and avoiding me. I got a grip of myself and told myself not to be ridiculous. Well, turns out I was right, she'd been avoiding me because she didn't know how to tell me. I was so upset, if what i went through wasn't enough, my closest friends are now avoiding me!

And then today's happenings...I got an email from neonatal midwife (she organised CVS, gave me the terrible results and organised termination), asking me if I wanted her to chase up a meeting with consultant to discuss CVS results. What I was wanting to know, do you think this is worthwhile, or is he just going to tell me a whole load of information that I already know from searching on the web and speaking to you guys? What do you think? The only thing I wanted to know was which kind of Down's it was, and midwife was able to tell me that it was regular trisomy 21. I'm just scared that meeting with the consultant will just open a whole lot of wounds that are just beginning to scab over....I don't really want to start picking at them.

Sad Bezzy xxx

bezzyk I am sorry.
I also had a missed M/C due to trisomy 21. Mine was regular trisomy 21.

Big hugs to Bezzy.

I'm sorry you have had this with your friend. I think it is a common thing. Her motives were probably good, she was probably trying to protect you.
You can be sad and angry about this, the fact that she has a reason to feel like this, the fact that this happened to you. More reminders and impact from this terrible happening.

As to the consultant meeting - if now does not feel right, how about saying a tentative yes, but not right now thank you very much anyway? Maybe a meeting would be helpful in he future, if now feels like scab picking?

for you. I think what you have all lived through will come back to bite now and then, often at unexpected times and turns. It is the way of trauma and loss. This is why partners and others who journey with you through misery are vital - they can feel the same waves of emotions and know your too. You don't need to explain to them.

All Love Sad Bezzy

I dare not try to catch up and reply to posts individually, I don't want to miss someone or ignore a story.

A huge welcome from me to all the new pposters, we love to have new posters, biut are sad you need to be here. If that makes sense.

My egg donation thread is in it's infancy in the conception topic, if anyone feels like it over the next few months.

I haven't posted the whole story to start with - it's too much.

Karya - I can imagine your fears. You can talk about them here you know.

Katerina100 - I hope dinner tonight is a success. I hear all the points you make, especially about need for diagnostic screening if you feel you may not terminate. On the one hand you are right, we don't know how we will act - on the other, if anyone can have any insight at all, you can. Maybe Bee and Lindso could share more on this, as they have had the 2nd pregnancy. I mean share their feelings on how close reality was to their 'what would we do if' scenario. However maybe not - these things can be so personal and painful.

It is hard.