support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

I do know that but my confused state of mind and overwhelming anxiety stops me. Fear is a very disabling condition for me. I just halt in its glare and am paralysed by it.
But it is indeed so much better to share and it is not that I doubt your ability to receive it and help, it is more that as you and Justa have said, there is nothing to say. There is no answer, I do not have one, the doctor does not have one and the bloody geneticist that I am waiting for will not have one either. And of course neither do you guys - I want you to! I want you to know the answer.
So in the end we will either tiptoe back into another pregnancy knowing that it is highly likely will find ourselves back at square one emotionally, or try and reconcile ourselvies to 'no baby for LM and I' and make peace with it.
So am sorry to be such a moaning minnie when everyone else has their own private hell but know that I care about yours too. I truly do.
Ooof.
Hugs

Moan Moan Moan

Please do. We might not have answers but we have ears.
You can go on and on and on if you like.

And you don't you know, you really don't.

It is crap that no one has answers. It really is. We might have to accept these things in life but we do not have to like them, so you stamp your feet whenever you like. AS long as you know deep down the reality of that fact - there are no right or wrongs, no absolute anythings - then you do what you have to here to get through.

ANd if you want to start talking about where you are going next we are all here. When is the Geneticist?

hello everyone,
firstly, a HUGE welcome to Kate and Alibag. I feel so sad for you that you are here with us, but I do hope you will stay and join in the bumpy ride that is life coping with the loss of a baby.

Kate, so much of your story could be me - I lost my little girl Amy, in 2004, and she was my first. It is SUCH a shock when it is your first because you are so innocent and hopeful. I have so much I could write to you but am so tired tonight that it will have to wait, and I hope you check back soon! As you say, it is such early days and you are brave to be here sharing with us. I am sending you hugs and do take it easy. You body needs to recover, then your mind and heart can begin the journey.

Alibag, what a rough time you have had. Having pregnant people around you must be so hard, and I know how it just reinforces your loss. You say you felt out of control and depressed, -did you get any help or counselling when you lost your little one? Do you have people in real life who really understand what you've been through? Thinking of you. xxxx

Bee, just thinking of you too. Sending love and hugs and hope you sleep ok tonight. One day at a time babe. xx

Lindso - yay for good results!! I know it's not easy to relax, even now, but well done! xx

Have to say, i started the above message an hour or so ago, and then had to stop cos real life needed me, and by the time I'd finished it, I forgot to say hello to everyone else, and esp. to bezzy, tree and justa. Thanks all for being there.

I've had two such busy days and am so tired but can't go to bed without sending MORE HUGS to Bee. And ditto what the others said about your lovely way with words. Let it flow. You need to let it out somewhere, otherwise I fear you will explode. I sort of think you might know that you wouldn't really be able to make peace with the 'no baby for me and LM' bit, but can't face the alternative yet. maybe not day by day, possibly take it hour by hour again for a while. And remember the whole be gentle stuff.

night everyone. love Lins xxx

Cashmere blanket and a kickboxing class for Bee.
Don't want to be flippant but you know me so I can be a bit cheeky

I would agree about your writing ability, you would create fine prose or poetry.

Big waves to Linspins.

Here's hoping to hear more form Kate and Alibag soon, if it would help you.

Thank you to my lovely handmaidens and guardian angels for your sweet words - yes Tree cashmere socks no good anymore - have moved to next level - cashmere blanket and a bottle bank.
You are lovely to champion my writing - but do not feel my words are anymore special than any of the other little black squiggles on the page that represent so many other people's pains and sorrows and private moments.
But they are important to me so is touching to have them validated and appreciated by you bunnies.
Am going to Spain on Thursday - where it is apparently pouring with rain and will do til Monday and I am ridiculously angry about it!
So wanted the gentle sunshine to warm my body. Felt might help you know.
So... a holiday is a holiday and must not get self into grump about it. I just have this spoilt brat reaction, 'why can't I have what I want for once?'
Night poppets

Hi, I'm not sure how much I fit in here but I'll try anyhow.

We have a rare genetic condition running through our family that our daughter died of at 2 years of age. She was very severely disabled due to the brain damage caused by this syndrome (was on multiple medications for seizures, PEG fed, had apnoea fits, couldn't move, communicate with anyone other than myself and her father who knew facial movements, fluid around major organs, life limited but thankfully lived longer than expected etc).

I had an NT son after my daughter died, we had antenatal testing with him and everything was ok.

With my next pregnancy I wasn't so lucky. I fell pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl. The boy was affected by the syndrome and by the time the results came through I was 18 weeks pregnant because of the difficulty of testing with twins and had a selective reduction.

I was told that by the time I gave birth my body would have absorbed the baby boy, but unfortunately that wasn't the case and he was buried in the garden of angels of the hospital.

The thing is although I know in my head that I did the right thing, knowing that he had a life limiting condition and having seen the pain and suffering my daughter went through, I just can't reconcile the fact that I had a termination and also that I didn't bury his body with my daughter which I would have done if I had been properly prepared. I have tried to get his remains back to do so but can't (not recently - a couple of days after birth)

I just can't get over this and it is becoming a major factor in depression I am suffering. I am so grateful for my son and my healthy daughter but just feel so guilty.

This also affects my daughter - although I know logically that she has no brain damage I watch her like a hawk checking that she is developing correctly just in case.

I just feel so strange and no-one else understands.

Sorry for the long post.

Message withdrawn

Dear Needachat, glad you found us here to share with us. That is such a sad thing to happen to you and your family. And I know all about heartbreaking and difficult decisions, I have had two terminations, 5 years apart, for two babies who had very severe heart defects and (different from each other) chromosomal abnormalities.
I also understand your difficulty with not being ready or prepared at the time to think clearly about where you wanted your son to be buried. There are lots of things I would go back and do differently at the time of the birth of my first angel. Sadly, I got the chance to do these things for my second angel. But unresolved regrets are hard to deal with. I'm wondering if there are symbolic things you could do to help make peace in your heart? Please ignore me if this is a very silly idea, but could you move a little bit of earth (secretly?) from the garden of angels to where your daughter is? Or send two balloons tied together 'up' to them? Or how about having a plaque with both their names on? Guilt is such a difficult thing to deal with but there might be ways you can ease it and turn it in to something you can live with.
It must have been so hard at the birth of your second daughter, and massively emotional and scary, no wonder you didn't have the strength to think about everything at once.
There are people out there who will truly understand, I can only sympathise with the bits that ring a bell for me. But I do know a lady who had a twin reduction, and I know she finds it's a bittersweet life watching one grow up.
have you heard of ARC? (ante natal choices and results) They have helped me so much over the years, and maybe could help you too.
Wishing you easier times ahead and happiness with your daughter. Please do stay on this thread if you would like to share more with us, or just rant about the same again, sharing does make a difference. And you will find lots of support.
Love Lins xx

hello to Onestonetogo, glad to see someone new here, being so kind! xx

Hello all

Just a quick note to say that i'm still around reading your posts, but have been busy with one thing or another so haven't had time to post. I also think my absence of posting is also a sign that I'm feeling better? Maybe?

Welcome to the new posters, I hope your pain alleviates soon.

Lindso, congrats on the good results! I'm kind of green, as just wish I could have a big sleep and wake up at the stage you're at.

Love to all xx

PS BB - DH and I are going to dinner tonight at a fancy restaurant with no highchairs - WOOOOO!!!

Bezzy, have a great nice out!! xxx

thanks mrs pins, I bet all we'll talk about is DD, just cause she won't be there!

Hello to you Needachat and glad you have found us and hope we can be of some small small comfort to you
You have suffered such unhappiness and sorrow - you poor thing.
It sounds as if you gave birth recently and this must have brought up the old pain of losing your little girl for you. Unimaginable pain.
And to give birth to your twins - one surviving and one not - how terrible. So much for the mind to deal with at once - you need all the help you can get.
Is bound to put pressure on your marriage too and am sure your husband is having his own reaction and his own sorrow. I know when we terminated a much wanted pregnancy for DS I fell apart- my Lovely Man felt he had to be strong for me but inside he was in his own pain.
I wish you well and do keep reaching out as you will find gentle souls here to listen and hear you and care.
much love
Busier Bee

Good girl Bezzy - Doctor Bee said get magic potion( tick) book date with hubby (tick) - seduce hubby?!!
Let's see.
Bezzy - i have gone back to normal folic acid.
Am orf on my holidays tomorrow girls(deep breaths of panic - no mumsnet) and am leaving Lins and Tree in charge!!
You can be second in command Bezzy. Justa too poorly for such responsibility at the moment.

re the magic potion, not sure what i'm doing wrong, but one bottle was meant to last 25 days, and i used it up in a week??!! I suspect it's cause the opening to the bottle is so huge you spill it everywhere.

Am now being terribly vulgar and swigging from bottle to avoid any spillages!

Think magic potion is truly delicious and must go and get self some. Not following own advice is problem!
Have just emailed UCLH re PGD.
Oh God is that the right thing to do?
Or should we try again naturally first girls?
What to do, what to do, what to do?

Message withdrawn

Well so much for lurking. Having logged on this morning and read such kind messages from so many people, I thought the least I could do was to say that somehow just being here is already helping me, by letting some of my emotions out and by hearing such understanding from others. I hope the other new arrivals can feel equally buoyed by this kindness.

Feeling a real mix of emotions today. I should be 16 weeks exactly. I have a check-up with my GP after work, as it?s a fortnight since that horrible day when everything ended. Chances of me managing to get through the appointment without crying are minimal! But at the same time it?s also our wedding anniversary, so we?re going to pop out for a quiet supper together afterwards, which should be nice.

A bit like you, BusierBee, we?ve been watching the weather recently as we?re off on holiday next week. I so empathise with the feeling that the least we deserve at the moment is a little sunshine? We?d already booked the time off work before everything went wrong, and now instead of going somewhere sensible in Europe as we?d originally planned when I was expecting to have a bump to look after, we?re throwing caution and cash to the wind and heading somewhere exotic. It?s not going to solve everything but at least we?ll be doing something totally different. And somehow, the more miles we can put between us and real life, the easier it might be to start having more positive thoughts.

While what?s happened will obviously be part of us for the rest of our lives, and I never want to forget about it even if I could, at the same time we?re both scared that it will end up defining us and we don?t want that either. The rational part of me knows that things will get easier with time. I don?t think I?m ready for it to start getting easier just yet though.

And I wanted to say, BusierBee, that everything I?ve read of yours both on your original thread and on this one that it sparked has made me feel such a huge mix of emotions for you ? sorrow, shock, pain, admiration, anger for your situation. I?m a message board novice and I never expected to feel this for someone I?ve never met. I echo what the others who know you much better have already said about your writing. Even for someone who barely knows you even virtually, it lets your personality shine through.

And finally I wanted to offer a big congrats to Lindso on the fantastic result. I?ll be keeping everything crossed that all goes well for you, and that lots of us might have similarly good news in the not too distant future.

K xx

Hello K
Well, well done for posting again and I am very touched that you have read the threads - they are astonishingly long!
I do hope the holiday offers some respite for you both - when I went away for the weekend after the second baby it was tough and felt so disconnected from everything around me. I think that 'going exotic' may be just the ticket. Hot hot sunshine and differentness and space from it all.
I can not tell you how irrationally cross I am about the weather in Spain. I just feel I deserve better I guess!
Watch out staff from Ryanair - do not cross me.
Be gentle on yourself and hold on tight to your lovely man.
Mine certainly keeps me tethered to the earth and prevents me flying off to the land of craziness. Thank goodness.
Love
Bee xxx

Lindso

Congraduations on your results. I recently had a missed miscarriage due to trisomy 21.
may I ask how old you were. I am scared to try again. I am 38. Best wishes to everyone

Thank you once again ladies for holding my hand through all this... Katerina thank you for your advice too, made me feel a bit less worried about dealing with the kids on Friday. I just so hope the CVS now happens tomorrow as feeling pretty fraught about it all... I am very lucky though that my friend's husband, who is also one of my DH's closest friends, has offered to drive me there and back tomorrow, so I no longer have to worry about public transport etc. Also my friend has offered to mind DD while DS is at preschool on Friday morning, so should get some rest then if all goes to plan tomorrow.

Kate you have been though so much more than anyone should have to endure. Life is so horridly cruel at times. Be gentle on yourself as it is still such early days. Like we too hadn't opted for tests just scans in our previous pregnancies- and now here I am facing a CVS and possible termination anyhow. Just never dreamt it could be like this.

Bee- hope you have a restful holiday, even if it rains- but sending sunshine vibes your way.

Justabout- I have friends with Factor V Leiden (often it is implicated in pre-eclampsia, so I was tested for it too..but am clear- do have some sort of clotting issue but non-identified so on aspirin anyhow). I hope your GP can provide some concrete answers but I'm sure they would have tested for that at the mc clinic, as like you said it's often implicated in repeated mc too. Hope this worry will be struck off the list soon!

Lindso- so glad to read your news, what a relief!

Well kind ladies I am now ducking out for a while as won't be online again until a weeks' time- next Weds- but one way or another the CVS will be done by then and I'll be on the wait for results...

Sending much love, strength and hugs to you all.

Goodbye Jelly and good luck - the cvs itself just has to be got through and you will be sore in the tummy - but not much. Sore in the spirit quite alot probably.
But for sure you should rest for few days -and then be gentle on self this weekend.
Good luck dear girl.
BB xx