support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

Lindso
Feeling your discomfort my dear and as you know i know it well.
Let me tell you what i did about the combined test/nuchal and cvs.
I felt i had to have the nuchal result first to prepare me for the best/worst. I had the nuchal in the morning and the cvs in the afternoon.
But here is a sneaky thing that may help.
I asked if I could go in and have my blood tests done two days before the nuchal so that when I had my nuchal done they could give me the risk there and then.
Whatever you do honey - the waiting is just awful and in my capacity as Captain Mumsnet today - I reach out to you and wish you all the luck in the world. I know the dread you feel now but guess what? the odds are very much on your side.
Keep in touch as and when you feel , and share the good news when it comes.
You are no more weird than the rest of us here!
BB xxxxxxx

hello all, I went off to take DD to a swimming lesson and came back to a mountain of messages! Plenty to keep me busy while a tired toddler snoozes (Bezzy ignoring floor badly needing vacuumed and bathrooms needing cleaned)

Sorry to hear you're so down Sam, don't feel bad about ranting, in my experience that's what these boards are great for, nobody judging, nobody tired of listening to the same story, always somebody with a kind word.

Good to hear from you again Lindso, I was wondering how you're getting on. Wishing you much strength to get through the next days before your tests. Please keep us up to date. I'm hoping for a very happy story to give us all inspiration.

Thanks for the humour too BB (aka hotmama) have you tried screaming into a pillow? That was my therapy when DD refused to sleep when she was tiny, v therapeutic!

Hello Tree, Marj, Lindso, Eulalia, and anybody else I've accidentally missed. Hope you all have a lovely day x

oh yes, I forgot to add. Can anybody recommend some kind of supplement for me? I'm terribly run down and tired (hence the nasty tonsillitis which I thought was going to put me out of my misery). Just feel I could do with a bit of a health boost.

Thanks xx

thanks loves.

good idea bb but checked with midwife and combined test results take a week to come back here in sunny east london - so agreed I'll go in, have scan, look at measurements and markers etc with them and then either go on to have cvs on the day or not.

I'm no good with supplements I'm afraid - taking folic acid every day (well almost) is a major achievement for me. chinese herbs good - they can do one off tonics.

Yes I can! Is called Floradix - sort of lovely herbally syruppy sweet stuff with iron and all sorts of other stuff in it.
Also a week on a Carribean island. Not that have ever been on one. So feel we could/ should all go to one though and Ken Loach or someone could make a mad, surreal film about it all. Justa running the church, Tree being Matron and us all just sort of either sobbing and sobbing or laughing hysterically. I think i referred to it before - like the island in Mama Mia. Fantasy life very active at this hard time in life.
Take care Bezzy and get off that computer and get scrubbing!
(as she logs on for possibly the twelth time today)
xx

I posted this thread earlier today in the pregnancy topic:
"Not sure if this is the right place to post but here goes, I have name changed by the way.
I am married and have a 9 month old DS and found out last night that I am pregnant (about 4 weeks). We have been careful I am on the pill and we don't have sex very often at moment so this has come as a BIG shock and we are actually quite gutted.
I only went back to work after my maternity leave a week ago and i just can't quite believe this is happening. I also have the threat of redundancy hanging over me and I'm not sure if my job is safe. Our home is not big enough for another baby and we cannot afford to move. Both me and DH just do not feel ready for another baby emotionally and financially.
We would like more time with our DS alone and although it probably wouldn't happen, i don't want us to end up resenting this baby because it wasn't planned etc. We would like another baby in the future but not now. I also haven't been taking care of myself, I haven't taken folic acid, I have taken ibuprofen, been drinking although not heavily and I am terrified I will have damaged the baby.
We have talked about it and I am going to see the doctor today to talk about what our options are. We feel that termination is the best option but we are worried that we will regret it, I just feel utterley guilty and shitty but I don't see an alternative. I don't even know what a termination at this stage would involve. Would it affect my future fertility?
Please don't flame me, I am already doing that to myself, what I really need is some advice and support. We can't talk to family and friends about this as they would judge us."
Has anyone else been through this, was termination the best thing or did you regret it? I am sorry if this is an inappropriate place to post but it would good to get advice from someone who has experienced this. I have spent most of the day in tears please help.

Lindso - me also in Sunny East London really. Live in E5 (don't tell anyone as i like to hang out in Islington!) - but next road along is Stoke Newington so feel more North londoner really.
Do not want to confuse you further but could try Fetal Medicine Centre on Harley St - they are fab there - and can get results that day. Costs a bit though of course.
So glad you hanging on in there - well done.
Is so hard.
Must go - gosh someone unplug me now.

Oh confused
Poor girl. I wrote to you this morning then felt maybe should not post it as did not want to enflame situation.
You sound very desperate on the posts and I feel for you enormously.
I would say to take time to reach your decision. With my first termination I took time and really 'went there' with my partner - sobbed, considered all outcomes etc. Somehow with second did not talk enough about it. Is important to talk.
There was a lovely lady here the other day called Becaroo. She is on this thread somewhere. She chose to terminate as felt her family and health would make keeping the baby very very hard. You sound in a similar place. I am so glad you are reaching out for help. You have time and you have a supportive man to share it with.
It is never easy but if that is what you feel is best for you all, then that is what is best. You have the choice but the choice is never black and white.
You can read on here how traumatic it has bee but at the same time we feel ( i think all of us but the other posters will let you know) that it was the right decision for our families.
There is time for you to consider and act and maybe have another child when you feel the time is right.
You are in shock I guess still - give yourself time to let your head enter into the conversation with your heart.
Cry away. Will be tough for you and we will help you along the way.
BB xxxxxx

Thanks hotmama, just googled it and found it in Holland and Barrett, so going to take myself along there this afternoon to get some (thus further ignoring vacuuming and bathroom)

And Confused, I feel your pain, i had a scare shortly after DD was born (well 7 months) and luckily it was a false alarm. The ladies on this board (other than a couple who stick around to give us advice and a shoulder to cry on) have terminated due to sick babies, whether it be down's syndrome, heart defects and so on. I know that this isn't your situation, and I'm probably not the best person to advise you. But speaking from a medical point of view, I had my termination at 13 weeks, it involved a general anaesthetic and a quick procedure that lasts around 15 mins. I was out for about an hour. It didn't hurt in the slightest (which for me gave me issues with guilt, but that's another story) and bled for about 2 - 3 weeks afterwards.

I hope that you manage to resolve your problem.

B x

Hi all, blimey, I turn my back for 5 minutes and suddenly there are hundreds of posts to read, it's all very inconsiderate! ( Obviously you know I'm joking...

Have lots to write, but dd will probably wake up soon and I haven't had lunch! (tummy rumbles..)

So, short message to confusedandterrified...you sound like you need us all and I will write more to you later cos as you are well aware, there is lots to consider. But here on this thread you will hopefully receive lots of advice whatever you decide.

Lindso, don't let too much bubble away under the surface, let a little out. Shame you can't have bloods early like Bee said. But you might have nuchal and the odds might be so good you feel no CVS is needed. Fingers crossed. Hope meeting went ok.

Right, food is calling me. Hello to everyone, Captain Mumsnet, hold the fort!

Back tonight.
Lins xx

Enough already with your hotmamma! (secretly pleased!)
I am more lukewarm mama at moment.
Feel have aged at least 10 years in last few months.
For Lins when you sign on later - HELLO LOVEY!
You will need a good hour to read, digest and reply to this busy day.
and Marjie too - you have been absent today. Tut tut. Must try harder.

Sadness barometer off the scale today I'm afraid.

I had a letter a couple of weeks ago saying my smear test was due so I spoke to the GP and she said it would be OK having it done, considering termination 6 weeks ago so I booked for today.

I was very anxious and mentioned to the nurse doing the smear I'd had a termination. She inserted the thing and I could feel the tears running down my cheeks, as they are now. She said she couldn't do it as my cervix was too far back and I just broke down and wept and wept and wept. It took me back the day when I had Joseph and the midwife inserted the 3 tablets into my cervix that ended my little boys life. I'm distraught, I should be 25 weeks pregnant today not crying over the fact I couldn't have my smear test done. I hate life today.

To top it all she said to give it another month and my body may be more fully recovered and they would try again but then that's a month when we could be trying (if we wantedt to) and I feel every month is so critcal now to my chances. I'm heartbroken and completely distraught and wish you were all here to give me a hugh

oh marj, I'm so sorry. Life is pretty sh!tty when we cry over not being able to have a smear test.

I really do feel where you're coming from though, each month of waiting feels like years. I know sensibly I should wait at LEAST another month before we think of trying again (termination only 4 weeks ago) but it just seems so far away.

Feeling your pain

B x

Sweet Marjie
I think is too soon to have a smear test darling - too invasive to such a private part of you that is associated with your baby.
You poor poor girl.
Wish could give you real life hug now.
Can you wait and do it another time?
Is it possible to have a smear whilst pregnant?
Too much to bear really.
Remember it all takes time and every week brings its pains. Only a week ago you were at the Doctor being given your odds, and now this... it all takes its toll.I am really feeling for you and wish could take some of the pain away.
Is all such alot of horridness. Have just been to therapy where she was talking about accepting that no matter how hard one tries, one sometimes has to accept the losses. I want to shout NO - I am not accepting this.
Rest your teary head and come back later.
hugs aplenty

Sorry to hear about your awful day marj.

If its any consolation (and I'm mindful that i don't want to sound like i'm-in-a-better-position-than-you so listen to my story!) I had a termination at the end of nov and was a month pregnant by the end of march. and i'm 40 too this year. that was after having ridiculous amounts of sex during fertile week - 'can we have a night off?' 'no, get on with it man!'

i know what it feels like to think every month is critical, the hope, the two week wait, the terminology you learn...its surreal.

i really hope you have better days ahead.

i'm in E5 too BB. Ah sunny clapton. x

Are you a Stoke Newington hanger outer?
Lindso - so hoping for good news for you.
BBx

feeling v left out not being in the east end! Boo!

B x

Gosh what a blabby lot today!

Just a quickie as mid, well mid lots of things... just wanted to give huge ((((HUGS) to marj. 6 weeks is too soon. I tried to have one done at 5 weeks post termination and was still bleeding (had my first period 3 weeks after), so canceled and finally got it done about 6.5 weeks after. I researched about when it should be done and some say 12 weeks after but mine seemed to be OK. And yes its OK to have a smear when you are pregnant as the spatula thing only goes to the cervix so not far enough to do any damage.

Lindso, thanks for updating us... I'd been asking after you further up the thread.

Must go dh back.

Where are you Bezzy?
Can not remember if you north of the border?
xx
Well done Marj for getting through today.
Also am confused - are we supposed to have one done? Smear I mean?

Hi BB, I'm in the west country daaarling, in Bristol. (used to live in edinburgh though)

I was due a smear while I was pregnant with DD, but was told to wait until after she was born. Had it done when she was 6 weeks old NOT a pleasant experience!

Back to embarrassing bodies, oh how I enjoy watching Dr Jessen, he's lurvely....

(feeling better today in case you hadn't noticed)

B x

Good evening. I can't give the time neded really, Hats is a bit full on tonight bless her.

Bezzyk - I'm really pleased you are having a better day. It helps us all remember the fog does lift, even if it does come back at times. There are days off from this. And maybe the days off gradually outnumber the foggy days.

Marj1 - Poor poor you. You sound a weary soul. Another day is nearly done, maybe tomorrow will be better. TBH I think you did well to even get to the appointment for your smear. Lots of people find these things very hard indeed after the experiences you have had. Perhaps taking someone along with you would help? You have my compassion dear Marj1.

Llin and Bb you both sound quite strong today, and as always an amazing presence on the thread. You are the wise women in a way. Though you will stil have your own fog too, so it's ok to not be captain if need be.

Lindso, you are in the waiting game. I think w decided it was like taking a deep breath in and not being able to let it out. We will help you pass the time if it helps.

Confusedandterrified - you seem panicked and in the spiral this creates. The ladies here mostly had different circumstances to you, but are accepting and open souls and believe in choice, and will never flame a fellow suffering soul. This choice you feel you may need to make is yours alone, you must surely talk and talk and talk with your partner. You have time so perhaps a period of calm and letting the news sink in would help. Let the initial panic pass.

I hate doing one big post, but today has been manic. I have hit the tired wall this week, though only in mental and physical terms. I know you all battle tired souls.

Sorry BB rushed post earlier, no you don't need a smear. It is just for us folk who are due one anyway. I just read that after birth one is usually told to wait 12 weeks as before that it can affect the validity of the results. Opinion seems to vary on this though!

Just wanted to add my support also to confused - it doesn't matter where you are coming from we are here to listen to you. A termination at your stage would be very straightforward and wouldn't affect your fertility, but sounds like you need to think hard and talk it over with your partner. We are here to help too.

Just a brief goodnight to everyone else as still not got kids to bed! (all 'pyjamad' up and ready to hop in though) xxx

BB will airbrush send a suitable pic to you when can get on the desktop. Its too uncomfortable to feed hats whilst at the desk!

PHEW. Dd only stopped crying at nine o'clock!! I was up and down stairs like a yo-yo (that's my exercise for the day..) She has the stamina to cry and sob for ages, and it really upsets me. (Mu -uu-uuu-myyy, I waaa-aa--aant an cuddle!) I feel like I've been through the wringer.
Anyway, am exhausted and only just eating dinner, so maybe will have to curtail my Mumsnet activities tonight. Real life has got in the way. Need to collapse on sofa.

hello to all and hope you're evening is calmer than mine has been. Love Lins xx

Sorry Bee should have clarified, smear was due as it's been 3 years since I had previous one. I just wanted to get it over with, knew it would be difficult but not quite so difficult. They have to try again next month now. Think I might ask can I be sedated (don't know if that's possible) I was so traumatised don't think the poor nurse knew what to do with me.

Night all, sleep tight xx