support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

Big huggs to Lins. Oh I hope you are not in a private hell my love. Am sending all my strong vibes to you.

marj1. What a day. What a hard hard day. Another bloody one.

You sound strangely peacefull or perhaps a bit 'out there'. Do tell how you are if it will help. If I can help at all I can listen at least.

Hey Marj, sorry you're not having a good day. xxx Hugs back. xxx

Eulalia, totally know what you mean about decisions not being yes/no. Life is no where near as black and white is it. And obviously this is such an emotive subject and close to people's hearts, that arguements do start up, when someone just needs support and comfort in a hard time. Hmm. As you say, best leave it for now!

Bb, hello! [waves, asks if you are putting the kettle on a for a cuppa?]

Hi Tree. Quiet day, everyone is exhausted I think!

Thanks Tree, not really sure how I feel to be honest, a bit numb.... again..

The consultant didn't really say anything knew, apart from even she was shocked at my amnio result, given my nucal fold result and scan results. I had seen my consultant 2 days before I got my amnio result to book in for my c-section and she said then she was sure everything would be fine.

I did say though that if we tried again and I fell pregnant I wouldn't bother with the nucal, I would just go straight for CVS. Even if I had the nucal and it came back as 1:2000 I still wouldn't feel happy until I had a CVS or amnio. I would need to know for sure.

I think lots of discussions and decisions to have.

Bezzy not sure I can offer any words of wisdom only to say "thinking of you" x

Marj, about the whole grief/guilt/peace thing...
I have found that the grief eventually turns in to a manageable wistful sadness, the guilt lives on, but again, it shrinks in it's intensity and only leaps out sometimes (!), and the peace, well, you may find a sort of peace somewhere down the line, but possibly we need a different name for it - maybe acceptance? I can say these things 5 years on from Amy. I'm still in the middle of the whole life-storm about Daisy. I'll let you know in a few years how that works out!!

Bezzy, yeah, life sucks, when you think you've got it all worked out, bam! Daisy was gonna be so right this year, and I had imagined it all...well at least the first few years. If I wasn't so sad and heartbroken that she wasn't with us, I'd be angry at how my plans are all mucked up now. (Why is there no emoticon for 'really annoyed and frustrated and tired and sad and cross' all in one go? )
Anyway, sending you hugs too. xxx

Off to bed, as will no doubt be up later cuddling dd back to sleep. zzzzzzzzz
Night all.

night lins lovely to hear from you x

NIght Lins. I hear your emoticon.

marj1. Discussions and decisions. They aound hard if I'm honest. HArd work for you all.

Ladies - am popping in a bit late.
What a wistful, sorry lot we are. Marj - those conversations with consultants are so hard - you think somehow they will give a proper answer or explanation and there is not one. I think there is alot of talking to be done with your hubby and here with us who know. You are far far more likely to have a healthy baby than not, but so hard to make decisions when still grieving for Joseph. I want to try now now now but am also so very scared and I know that anyone who hasn't been there- ie anyone who is not you guys - would think I am crazy to consider it.
It is rare to happen twice - you have to believe that.
And Bezzy - yes the heart aches for all those plans and thoughts and moments. Everything in the next few months was supposed to involve me in flouncy top with a swollen belly and joy.
Could not be further from the truth could it.
We can only keep on talking, keep on listening and keep on letting it out when it must come out.
It hurts and there are no words - not really. Just hugs and gentle thoughts.
Lins - Welcome Home darling! We must all be so tired - I know I am - tired of myself and tired of my agitation and anger and not right ness. If you home tomorrow we could have a chat if you fancy but no worry if not.
TREE - you my love are a sweet and generous soul and am amazed that you found time for getting to a post box. Thank you so much Tree. I love how real you are.
More sadness today at work in possibly the toughest school have ever been in with some such sad troubled angry kids. Bit like us.
Goodnight worn out souls.
I see a different space in a few months ahead - as Lins says it will not go away it will just subside and return.
Ohhhh.
BB
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Eulalia - glad you were home today to keep the thread going. You were Captain Thread today - is too sad to go online and no one has posted!

Oh BB - what a beacon you are for these mummies. You are so wise and talk about saddness in an amazing way.

Just sorry that small nothing didn't get to you Saturday.

I don't think anyone who had empathy would think you were crazy Bb, they would just want to know it was right for you. If you think it is what you have to do, and dear man thinks this is his road too, then it is and there is the truth. You have time - no one has unlimited time. But you have some.

We all need to ride this week out. It will go, this will pass, the sun will shine again. I promise.

And big up to Eulalia Captain Thread today. How amazing that the thread just delivers what is needed. It is symbiotic. I wasn't sure if posting again this afternoon was right, as I had already this morning. I didn't want to nag. I don't come here to tell my story like all you, I come to stroke hands and make the tea. I am sensitive to that and mustn't intrude on your shared private grief.

To that end I can also be a sponge, so I'm your woman for guilt free, cost free tears, rants, feet stompin, sobbs etc! You all know you can cat me I'm sure.

Take care people. Am always wondering about 'the thread'

Dearest Apple Tree
You are a big shiny happy red apple lovely lady and amaze me with your compassion and kindness. How is the wee colicky one? Still attached as a third arm?
I like her being here - is good. Tell me more.
My lovely man has gone out this evening with his brother and family friend from Scotland where he grew up.
It is one year since my LM's dad died up in Glasgow and in the same week I took my coil out so somehow this baby that should have arrived on Saturday should have been a life/death balance baby.
Whilst we were waiting for the phone call from the hospital to let us know the results of the cvs with first baby, a letter from the lawyers who were dealing with his dad's estate (he had nothing in fact but everyone has something) arrived.
LM opened it as I was manically washing the kitchen floor as did not know what else to do with self.
It was a sign. I thought 'There you go - he is sending us a sign that everything will be okay. It will be a boy and we will call it after him'. When the phone rang, LM ran upstairs and I said out loud to self - 'We will call the baby Marshal after his dad and please please Marshal send us a baby, please'
Came upstairs, LM was by the window, holding bback tears. I sank from the arm of the sofa ino the sofa and just said 'no no no'. Like in a bad film.
Terrible moment and i will never ever forget it and I will always love him for sharing the tragedy and being there and loving me properly through it.
Thank you Tree - for listening
BB x

What you descibe is truly heart breaking for you. I can see it all and and I don't know what you look like or what your house is like

Such pain BB. Such deep pain. So tugging and heavy.

I hope you are ok BB, sharing that must have hurt and you honour us. I will be around early tomorrow to check on you and all of you.
I hope you are in the safe arms of lovely man BB. I can only hope for rest for your weary self.
I have to turn off now as we have the colic monster to deal with. It fairly rattles my dear Hatts.
I don't want to go though, and will check in when Hatts is up overnight incase you, or any of you, have bad nights.
x

Morning, well its beautiful and sunny today. However I have a rotten cold. Probably a bit run down, partly my own fault as I was at 2 BBQs this weekend and drank a lot of cocktails at the 2nd one, still it was good at the time! Got my period so felt I could indulge a bit.

tree, remind me of what you do again - your profession I mean, I seem to remember its something medical/caring? Thanks for giving up so much of your time to support us and for all the kind words, they really help! Hope baby is more settled today. Yes bathroom OK, wasn't long ago the 3 of them used to bath together but they are all getting too big. We do have our communal bathing though in a jacuzzi (special holiday retreat)

BB - so much sadness at this time, I am surprised you can keep up the funny/ironic remarks.

Well I hope everyone is a bit more cheered today, thinking of you x

Morning people.

Cheers Eulalia I'm a midife, but on mat leave so I can't remember anything about how to do my job!

Had a big night with Hatts and have hit the tired mummy wall. Am off to bed for an hour while dd1 at playschool.

Could do with 6 hours tbh

Hi All
There's so much feeling in all the posts that you have all written since I was last here. Strangely I went to bed and woke up this morning feeling very tearful myself - it slightly feels like everything is catching up on me. THe proper tears have just come - for the first time since we knew the pregnancy wasn't going to work out... I guess I knew all along they would come at some point. Have been asked twice in the last 2 days what am going to wear to a wedding at end of the month, but had envisaged proudly showing off small bump by then, so have no idea, and can't really bear to go rifling through my wardrobe yet... And the GP put me back on antibiotics...
So am feeling for you all, and the sad and bad days you have all been having... Am fed up with being "brave" - I just wish I could get on with life without having to be brave any more - it is just so tiring... and frustrating... Yes - as you said Lins and Bezzy - all those plans have gone to the wall...
Also having been able to rise above minor things going wrong, suddenly am nearly driven to tears by DH not putting dishwaher on last night, and me forgetting to put soap in washing machine this morning - oh bu**er - have just wiped tears off desk with sleeve of clean white shirt I had hoped to wear to work this afternoon, and discovered that desk is not so clean - almost feel like I need to go back to bed and get up all over again...!!
ANd I thought of another thing, I find socially debilitating as well as the "How are you?" is the "So what have you been up to recently?".... aargh!
Apologies for ranting - some of you are so good about being articulate and gentle, and I have just come on here and had a cry and a rant...
Really hope the rest of you are having better days... I best get the washing hung up, and get on with some work...
xxxx
PS And yes I read the pregnancy threads too sometimes - and like you BB it's not the happy fluffy ones...

Ooh glad you are resting up dear Tree this morning - that Hattie!
Eulalia - I do love that name - thanks for saying hi and yes is sad. But sad for us all, really. And the humour keeps me going - sharing a bit of humanity- and you guys make me laugh - which is needed.
Tree - have emailed you photo of me and big girl so that you can complete the picture.
Have good day people.
kisses

Ps - good morning Bezzy and Lins and Marjie - hope spirits intact. How is sadness barometer?
I am working from home (can't you tell? See how busy I am today?) and sorting stuff which helps with the sadness.
xxxxxxx

I can confirm BB has hot mamma status. And a lovely eldest daughter.

You sound a bit brighter BB

Sam - rant on and as long as you needs to. This is why the thread exists. You can say what you have to, you don't have to pretend. Am sorry you are having agrey day, be good to yourself. x

Dearest Sam
We are not always gentle and delicate here and you need to rant and shout and cry and sob and that is fine. I crossed posts with you earlier -so sorry to have missed you. God i know about the wedding outfit thing - I too thought would have wee bump - and the little things causing meltdowns. Sometimes I wish we did not have door to door recycling and then could take hundreds of bottles to bottle bank and hurl them in and say the F word a lot.
It is not fair.
And if you are on antibiotics then you are still not a well person physically let alone all the mental strain.
Is it at all possible to have the day off?
I know we have all had time off already but sometimes your health is so important. Do you feel like hiding under the duvet and sobbing?
Am bit better today - distracted is the word.
So come and cry on my shoulder whenever you need - poor girl.
hugs and hugs and hugs

Thank you busier and tree... I totally feel like hiding under the duvet and sobbing - it is a little like flood gates opening right now, and am sat here trying to look at peoples expenses (at home luckily, though go out to office for my other job this afternoon).. would love to take day off, but have taken day off tmrw to spend time with friend over from America... so am trying to raise my game and get the job done, even though a bit of me knows I should really be taking some time out. Will try to encourage DH to get home early from work tonight so can put feet up then... Work this afternoon is good actually as can completely switch head off everything else, and that's a good thing...
All our bottles were collected yesterday - had forgotten joys of the bottle bank!
Thank you for being there - really needed to offload a bit this morning...
xxxx

Can anyone think of a good alternative to the catharsis of the bottle bank?
Apart from hitting the men.
You sound as if you have a good understanding of your mental state Sam - which is good as then you can help yourself.
Get that man home early, you get in the bath with (yet another) glass of wine. Is another day to get through.
BB x

My mother used to encourage my premenstrual sister to rip up piles of newspaper - this after she had followed up my father's advice to throw an egg - which she did - in the kitchen! But if I threw an egg I'd only have to clear it up, and the newspaper thing just doesn't do it for me!
Sadly no wine for me with these antibiotics - saw friends from America last night - he v kindly said how sorry he was about our latest miscarriage, while offering me glass of wine - on my refusal he said "No baby and no booze - that really is unfair" - he summed it up really!
Right - am feeling a bit better now - must get some work done - thank you for making me smile.
xxxx

PS Oh - and singing loudly in the car usually works - though don't use this much these days as DS doesn't appreciate it!xx

Yes but singing loudly in the car in the middle of London just makes you look like you are slightly... you know. The funny stares! But yes, I do it and I like it. Current favourites are ELO and Michael Jackson. Only problem is that suddenly a sad song will come on and can switch from cheeriness to sobbing. Oh dear.
Like the sound of your friend - tells it how it is. No baby and no booze. God.

Hi all,

Not a regular poster, but keep reading here. Termination last year in Nov for downs and now almost 11 weeks pg and having combined test next Weds. Wobbly today and wondering whether to go straight for CVS - oh god i am bricking it. Sick, exhausted and overwhelmed. meeting with my boss this afternoon to talk about restructuring my department.....haven't got the energy to argue..and we will argue as he'd sell his granny for a new business contract.

note to self; don't listen to nick cave 'are you the one that I've been waiting for'

i felt you coming girl
as you grew near
i knew I'd find you cos
I longed you here.

in fact don't listen to any music at the moment.

sorry for wierd post - its all there bubbling under the surface and I only sometimes let it come out.