support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

Hello ladies, sorry to read there's so much sadness about this weekend, I really do hope that things pick up in the next few days.

I have a question for you re my cycle...I got what I thought was my first period since termination on saturday (almost 4 weeks since that awful day) anyway, bled for a couple of hours, then...nothing... next day, bled a couple more hours, then nothing again....today, nothing...

This sound normal to you? or do I need to drag myself to the doctor? I really hope not, don't fancy my chances at getting myself an appointment with everything that's been going on with the swine flu.

B x

B - I got mine 4 weeks and a day after I had Joseph and it wasn't a "normal" one. Probably similar to you, bled quite heavily for 2'ish days and then think I had a day with no bleeding and I thought oh this must be it but then the next day I was bleeding heavily again. Had quite a few days towards the end with not much bleeding but quite a lot of discharge. As I say not really "normal" but I didn't worry too much. If it continues next month I'll probably get myself to the docs to get it checked out. Don't think you need to worry too much.

Bee - as always, lovely to hear from you. Hope your day has been better. How as the Hockey? x

I agree. Give it a while, your body is robably finding it's feet a bit. Unless th eloss is smelly or you have pain or feel unwell and so on.

Bezzy
Mine came on Saturday - great timing - but was very dark and (sorry but you did ask!) kind of stringy. Hardly any then for rest of day, Sunday bit heavier and painful today very little again with darker red than usual.
Guess our bodies, like our minds, all over the shop.
Lovely to see my middle boy, playing hockey so well - they were runners up in the all day tournament. Was freezing cold, have sore throat, have just eaten ice cream when need to lose - ohh I guess about a stone in weight.Thank you for asking Marjie.
Miserable bank holiday not time to start dieting I guess.Work tomorrow - have been asked would you believe to go to Malaysia this week for work - could not cope with it especially without my rock man.
Lins - sending you my fondest love and strokes and hugs and tea and cake and snot rags for wiping tears.
Sun gone down for a bit sweetie but will shine again - as you have told me so many times

thanks ladies, will sit tight and see what happens.

In answer to a previous question, yes, I too keep an eye on the pregnancy board. Sometimes I feel like I'm a sucker for punishment, and then in a truly awful sense I want to see if anyone else is having a truly awful time, or whether it was just me.

I can't believe I'm confessing to this.

A horrid Bezzy x

Hey all.
Here again. Just been trawling the parenting sections on what to do when your Dd doesn't like bedtimes and spends an hour crying/screaming at me and thinking up creative delaying tactics to keep me with her. I so wish bedtime wasn't a battle every single day. Sorry to rant, but I am finding it really hard. I usually have so much patience and am calm and understanding. But recently I am finding myself wearing thin. It's odd, because overall, I appreciate her even more. But she is so good at her job ('keeping Mummy with me') and bedtimes are SO long...

Still feeling really empty and flat.
Spent the day doing bust house/garden stuff (oh, the joys of going to the tip and B&Q on a bank hol mon!). The garden looks good now, but shoulder and back aches. Dd had an awful night last night, -she usually calls me in the night to tuck her back in or cuddle, but last night it was so frequent and she wouldn't let me leave. So we had what felt like hours of screaming and pacifying, and no-one got any sleep. Even the neighbours. (Feel guilty letting Dd scream in the quiet of the night, we live in a small terraced house, they can probably hear everything. eek. ) So tired all round today which doesn't help the mood.

At least I have only one work day this week, yay!
Dh has gone to pub with his brother to watch footie, and the house is really really quiet. Outside, it's all quiet too, and I feel a bit like I am suddenly the only one left in the world. Might have to go and put the radio on for company...

Bee - off to malaysia??!! What are they thinking?
Thanks for your text. It made me feel 'remembered'. Told dh you'd sent some moral support and he was pleased but finds it odd that two people who have never met can be so helpful/supportive to each other. I tried to explain how you really truly know how things are...so thanks. xxx

Bezzy, my first period was different from usual too, heavier at first then not a lot for a while then back on again. I reckon just let it be, and see what happens next month.

Hi to Marj. xxx

Thanks to Tree for having strong branches for us all to shelter under. xxx
Is it just me or has it been cold this weekend? I am shamed to admit I had the heating on for an hour just now!

I really hope that the week improves for everyone. I think it's as Tree said, bank hols just highlight how things should have been different. Back to normality tomorrow.

Not horrid at all! How did we all come together? People looked around to see if this fresh hell was theirs alone or did someone else have the same experience.

Its a credit to the thread you can say it - and it will be a credit to the posters when they come to reassure you. You wait and see.

Bezzy - you're not horrid at all!! (Cos if you are, then so am I, and I am not I don't think!!)
Part of looking on the preg board is like watching a car crash, - you shouldn't be so interested but it's human nature. And part of it is not wanting to let go. And possibly part of it is being kind and interested in what others are going through. And yes, so maybe a little weeny bit is to see if there are others who are going through hell too. It's like picking a scab, it hurts but you still do it.
But we are all here now on this thread and helping each other.
So lovelybezzy, don't fret.
xx

thanks for the lovely kind words, am a little relieved to find out that I'm not the only one who enjoys 'watching a car crash' (I like that analogy!)

Lins, at the risk of sounding a little patronising, I read a FABULOUS book about toddler sleep. My DD didn't sleep through until she was 20 months old, and then magically it all changed, after I read 'The no cry sleep solution for toddlers and pre-schoolers' by a lady called Elizabeth Pantley. I know every time someone suggested a sleep book, it made me want to scream, so please feel free to ignore me! However, I really like the way she writes, she's very sympathetic, and also makes you realise that you're not the only one out there with sleep issues. She also has some great ideas on how to negotiate with them! I really do hope your sleep gets sorted out, I know how it affects the rest of your life.

Bezzy xx

if it's any consoliation my DD is still a pain in the backside going to bed. Just as I'm leaving the room she'll think of a thousand questions to ask and she's nearly 8. Kids eh, can be trying at times.

Bezzy, thanks for the post about sleep. Unusually the night times are not so bad, don't know what went wrong last night...
But bedtimes are always a battle, whatever I try! What a little monkey. But I do think my attitude to 'letting them cry themselves to sleep' is probably tinged with my experiences. Sometimes, deep down, I think I feel that I let Amy (my first Angel baby) down so monumentally, that I need to make up for it with Dd. I feel so guilty that I let Amy go, that I spring to action the minute Dd whimpers, as I don't want her to cry and me not to be there for her. Oh the guilt and what it does. Having said that, I've never been of the 'let them cry' schools of thought, even in my younger pre-baby days. But dd knows just what strings to pull.
I'll have to see if I can track down that book.

Off for a good nights sleep..hopefully!!

Marj, kids...clever little bu**ers aren't they!
Night all. xxx

boy they certainly know what strings to pull

Well my eight year old pootled down the stairs at gone nine o clock to ask.. how many people in a hundred get cancer. Then.. and how many get swine flu?
SO he is a natural neurotic lunatic obsessive nutter like me!
Excellent news.
I have never had a child that sleeps well, all of them slept on and off with me until they were 6 or so.
I remember 'telling's stories to my daughter when she was three or so to get her to sleep and i would be soooo tired, that the words would suddendly get all muddled as i slipped into sleep.
But do you know what i miss now?I miss their little sweet breaths, and how much they needed me back then and now my daughter is up later than me.
What i mean is.. precious, but very exhausting times.
And there you go I just KNEW we would all be on the pregnancy threads - is partly still feeling belong there,, nostalgia for when i was, morbid fascination with the whole pregnancy thing, wanting to help. Knowing am not only one who has had traumatic time.
Ahhh, we are not mad, bad or dangerous to know at all. Just women muddling along as best we can - and think we are showing enormous strength and honesty and generosity to each other.
I love, Lins, your idea that we are sheltering under Tree's branches. I just hope a bird doesn't crap on our heads!
Night birdies
xx

Bee your message made me laugh so much. Your 8 year old sounds like my DD they are exactly the type of questions she would ask and the type of questions you feel you must try and answer, even though you can't.

Goodnight everyone sleep tight x

He is such a worrier my littlest one.
Often has pyschosomatic stuff ; 'do I look pale? I feel sick? What if I am sick?'
Sound familiar?
I am just the same.
Anyways Marjie - let's off to bed and let's meet in June in a sunny park with the smalls and get a bottle of prosecco and a stash of sweets.
Have been sleeping badly myself -feel so very agitated really.
Night night

June sounds like a brillant idea. If you're back at work tomorrow after the long weekend, have a good day x

Ps - okay even more horrid confession - when I am on the pregnancy threads - I read mostly the ones about miscarriages, the bizarre, the unusual, the sad, the older women trying to conceive. Not for me the jolly ' does anyone else feel like smearing ice cream on their belly, whilst listening to Kylie Minogue'
God I am just so... deep.
And not in a good way.

BB you are cerebral, and have strong instincts that you are open to. You are able to allow yourself to bee [see waht I did there ]. What you 'confess' to is utterly normal, but probably restrained by the vast majority of people. As people in this society tend to be pent up and unable to allow deep feelings to flow.

There may come a point when it will be torturing yourself however, we will work through that if we get there. I dunno, you seem a wise enough sage to me. I think your thought processes will always see you right [and ds too, I have one like that].

Have given branches a good shake - no poopy seagulls, just sleeping birds in neat little nests - and also had a quite word with good friend mother nature to give you all a good nights sleep.

Hello people. x

Hiya, bit of a quieter day today, feeling quite exhausted with the kids though. Lots of talk here to catch up on....

I had no idea it was your due date recently BB, sorry I never picked that up. I hope you are feeling better now it is passed. Wish I could think of something more supportive to say.

Lins - I have slept with all my children and managed to get them into their own beds eventually, each time they have gotten older though and because my last one is the 'baby' he is still usually in my bed (he is 3.9) I think they do eventually want to have their own space. dd still comes in occasionally as well - she's just turned 7, she did last night but had to get her to go back to her own as I had a foot in my face! Poor dh has been very accommodating but we rarely spend a whole night together anyway as he snores something awful. So we muddle along and it works out OK. They've all been different sleepers, dd was a terrible fidget but ds2 is very calm and cuddly.

I don't look at the pregnancy threads but have looked at the thread for continuing with a pregnancy for a disabled child. Stupid really 'cos I mostly get upset and/or annoyed. As you know I have a child with SN, OK not nearly as bad as the families on there but that just highlights the fact that there are different levels of disability.... different kinds of conditions with differing outcomes/expectations. The point is it is not an easy choice of yes/know. Someone said something about having a child with SN means that you should 'know better' about making a decision to have another. That did annoy me, like I said for us it was looking at two completely different set of needs. As has been said on that thread every child is unique so that is kind of contradictory. That means that every disability is unique and you can't just make a blanket decision to say 'it is a disability, therefore that child must be saved at all costs'.....sorry maybe I should post this stuff there but I really don't want to get into an argument. Best to leave it.

OK must go, the ds's are in the bath and need to check the bathroom isn't flooded! Bye to all and hope today is a good day

It is very quite today here. Which is great if you are all busy and good, but bad if the fog is too thick today.

Eulalia - hope the bathroom didn't flood. I totally see your pov about how you felt today. I'm not sure what my advice would be to you, so as you are not actually asking for any that is a relief. It can be wise to protect ones self and each other at times like these. Like when I went quiet on BB thread to avoid 'drawing fire' to her as it were. Some times are survival only times.

Had my appointment today with Consultant, spent about 1 hour with her talking through things and asking questions.

Couple of things stuck in my mind, she said my Nucal scan result of 1:160 wasn't too bad, Joseph's nucal fold was 2.2mm again not too bad. She said I've just been very unluckly. For me there was nothing genetic in Joseph's down syndrome so genetic counselling wouldn't be offered.

My chances of the next pregnancy being affected drop to 1:100 due to my age but as I've had one DS pregnancy it now drops to 1:50. I asked about trying again and when would be a good time, if we wanted to. She said don't waste any time and get straight on with it as time isn't on my side.

She asked was I at peace with my decision (think they were the words she used). I said I don't think I'll ever be at peace with my decision. Yes it was the right decision for me, DH and DD but the sense of guilt that you've killed your child is overwhelming and the grief is never ending.

Not a good day in the Marj household today

Lins I'm sure you'll be reading and may not want to post but sending you hugs over the internet.

Marjx

Hello All.

Been a quiet day today, I hope that's because everyone is doing ok?

I've had a day of reflection. Not on purpose, just seemed to spend a lot of the day contemplating past, present and future.

And my verdict is, is that I'm obviously hurting, sad, angry, disappointed, but I've realised that I'm most of all frustrated.

I've always been a person that's been in control of my life, and the events of the last 6 weeks have knocked me for 6. They weren't in my plans for this year. This was meant to be the year that I completed my family, by having a much wanted 2nd baby and now that's not going to happen, and I don't know if it ever will, and that scares me.

I feel like my life's on hold, I hate that, and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

Bezzy x