support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

Have a nice holiday!

oh where are you going - anywhere nice?

We're off to Turkey 3 weeks today - I am so looking forward to getting away and having a break in the sunshine. We went to Cornwall at Easter, 2 weeks after I lost Joseph but it was all wrong - should of cancelled really.

Can I come? Our new-ish car isn't taxed as awaiting insurance docs, so I can't get dd1 to playchool without a 6 mile round trip on legs which I can't see happening, and car 2 has just blown up so dh has had to scarper to my mums [50 miles away] to borrow her car to take him to work [60 miles away] in the morning. He was home 10 mins before setting off and will stay over, and I can't face bedtime with knackered toddler and my third arm [Hatts]

life happens hey ho. I just made him falafel and brown rice too. Dammit!

Justaboutpregnant!!!
Yes - am more than delighted for you my dear, justabout more than delighted.
Cheered me up no end as have truly ghastly conversation with boss with me sobbing down the phone - not what I wanted to happen really.
So take it easy and slowly and let's just see how things go.
With much much love
a snivelling Bee

Yippee - justaboutonholiday - great news - v v pleased for you - and v green re your holiday! Though having said that, one of best mates is coming up from London for the weekend, and another has just landed in UK from America, and we are going to get together quite a bit next week, so I have lots to look forward to! There may be some tears as haven't seen USA friend for a year, and so much has happened. Also her DS is same age as my DS, and then her DD was born when Annie was due - I can't wait to see them all, and to get the boys together, and to meet her DD, and the tears are ones we possibly need to share together, but I know we'll have great times too.
Thanks for all messages re age gaps - I know we'll be fine whatever happens, but like you Lins - all the families I know here, are on to the next, and there are a few whose firsts are a year younger than my DS, and due to give birth any moment... most of them don't know our situation, but am sure they wonder... if I was younger I don't imagine they would, but at 37, if you want another you generally get on with it! MInd you the doc I saw in hospital when I m/carried, said "Don't worry, you're young enough, you've got plenty of time" - she hadn't really looked at my notes, and thought I was about 29 - yeah!!
DH due back any minute, and have sat down here with glass of wine (back on it - yippee) but better go and check the lasagne isn't burnt...
BB - I hope you are ok - teary conversations with bosses are no fun (I used to have those pre DS, I know work for my DH, and freelance) I hope it works out - it sounds like you are amazing in what you do - you don't deserve to be having to deal with that on top of everything else.
Eulalia - am in Edinburgh - sadly not in rural Aberdeenshire - was mostly brought up nr Ballater...
Good night all.
xx

SAM that's such a shame, I just left Edinburgh last July. Lived there for 7 years and I absolutely adore the place. Unfortunately, work commitments for the other half meant we had to move to Bristol last year. Don't get me wrong, Bristol is great, but it's no Edinburgh.

B x

Happy May Day! What a lovely morning here, but its due to rain later, 'cos I've planned to have a BBQ

Apologies my last post was rather insensitive talking about all my kids, very sorry.

SAMR72 - Ballater is a lovely place to grow up. Have been here or in the city all my life, was in Cults a couple of years but I prefer to be next to the sea, can see it from my window and the beach is just a few minutes drive away (now the weather is another thing though!)

Have a nice holiday justa and a good weekend everyone else. I am signing off for a few days. Don't feel like thinking about 'stuff' and the kids are off from today till next Weds, long extended May Day weekend and got lots planned.

take care x

Thank you all so much for your kind comments It really helps. I am not sure what I expected, but it was not such kindness and understanding x

linspins I read your link to your story and I just sobbed. I am so very,very sorry for your loss. Your strength is an inspiration x

Congratulations Justa My attitude to my last pregnancy news was very similar to yours. I tried not to think about it and refused to believe things might be ok til the 38 week scan!!!! (I dont think I really believed it til I held ds2 in my arms!!) Really hope things go well for you x

Got to take ds1 to a party later - I havent broken it to him yet that he is the only boy going (he doesnt like girls!)

Have a good weekend ladies x

am pregnant again after a termination for downs -trying to make a link to my old thread!
Not sure this going to work though
Lins - help!

there

Oh thank you so much for that pagwatch - am technologically daft.
Gosh was kind of tricky looking at thread again but look Tree! You were there right at the beginning.
Hope you ladies and children are enjoying the sunshine.
BB

Hi all - I'll be quite over next few days, having a bonkers time of it so may not get to drop in.

Thinking of you all, especially BB tomorrow.

Enjoy sun and weekend. Hugs to all x

Bee - thinking of you lots today, love and hugs x

Hello to Lins and Tree and Marj
What a peculiar day - the only way I can manage really is to be in my home away from the world and the stimulus of pregnant women, babies, little families with little people.
So my first baby would have been born today.
And what is unsettling me and leaving me in a fresh state is that I have not been thinking much about that first baby. I have been so lost in the sorrow and slow recovery of my latest baby loss that have not been feeling the first. So i feel thrown back. The possibility that I would have a miraculous little tiny precious baby, the possibility that I could at this moment have just given birth on a sunny May day, tears of joy, flowers, family, phone calls, all of it feels so tangible and almost there - like a shadowy life behind this one.
But alongside it; also the recent loss of my second one. Rawer, more traumatic. And would you believe my period came today of all days -to reinforce that am not pregnant, not having a baby, not, not , not.
I feel quiet, confused by which sorrow I am feeling- as there are too many different ones.
I want to be pregnant.
I want a baby with my lovely man.
I do not want to see geneticists, doctors.
I just want to make love to my partner with the love and connectedness I feel so much for him.
It seems so easy and natural and deserved.
It feels hard and impossible and unlikely.
So am sorry for self and all of us and wish you were here to hold my hand and cry with the sorrow I know you all share..
Thank you for listening - lins thank you for texting.
BB xxxx

Bee, what a difficult day. I do so feel for you, with all your mixture of emotions. Not surprising you feel confused. Wouldn't it be lovely if life, love and babies were all so simple. On a lovely sunny May day it does feel like it should be. But somehow you, me and many others are here on this board, feeling the sadness and sorrow of very complicated lives.
Can't find any other words that mean "I'm so sorry". Hugs to you and LovelyMan. I hope you've been able to talk and get hugs and support from one another today.

My post arrived today, plop on the front door mat. Ooh, good, an interesting letter I thought....turned out to be the summary letter from the geneticist at Guys. So that brought memories flooding back, from 5 years ago, and this year. The kindly lady wrote (in plain english not medical speak) about our two babies and their complicated problems, and how there shouldn't be any higher risk for us if we try again. So why is the thought of being pregnant at some point so exciting but SO terrifying? I just don't believe there won't be problems again, but I have to try....

Phew. Hope everyone else had an okish day. xxxx

bee Sending hugs to you x

There's nothing I can say busier, other than that my thoughts are with you, and wishing you strength over the coming days / weeks.

I had a difficult day yesterday. I'm tired of being brave for everyone, and then everyone thinking that everything is ok and that all is forgotten. Am I making any sense?

Today was better though

B x

Thank you Bezzy and Becaroo for sweet thoughts
Just the sadness. It just descends like a fog - and like a fog it will rise again.
Just feel so sad and cross with fate or genes or randomness -whatever it is.
Sorry you had a a bad day yesterday Bezzy - I guess there will be 'days like these'.
I know what you mean about being brave. Brave just means carrying on, doesn't it?
What else can we do? So I do not feel brave. none of us do, if the word means gallant and strong. But we have to carry on.
Am ranting.
Help - we need Justa or Tree to be slightly detached from it all but involved by their compassion and kindness.
Hope you are okay Tree and survived a night without your hubbie.
Am on first glas wine and suspect it will end in tears. Again.
Bx

Bee good to hear from you, sounds like you've had a tough day but I didn't expect anything else really. Think you just need to go with the flow and let your emotions / feelings do what they need to do and be kind to yourself.

Bezzy I know what you mean about being brave. I almost feel like I want to stay in this sad emotional state because people will still realise I'm grieving and upset. If I put on a brave face and try to be my "normal sense" they may think I'm OK and I've gotten over things which is far from the truth. It's a difficult balancing act.

Oh BB - what a bloody awful time for you. Your thought processes are being so so challenged here, trying to seperate one grief from another. The logical brain trying to sort out trauma into chunks to work through, trying to cope, handle and heal.
I guess it's ok not to try you know, you are mourning the lost hope and dreams we all place on any pregnancy. So the feelings transmit between your two sad sad events.
You must feel like running into the street and howling.
There will be days like these indeed.
And Bezzy, what you say is so true. To talk about things can be upsetting and actually remind us we are sad, and yet to not talk means people 'do not go there'. So hard for you.
So hard when the fog decends, to explain quickly and easily to people 'today is a bad day'
In fact, health professionals often marry other hp for this reason. Our shifts can be something else, a level of stress not many people feel at work. Often just because of staffing and demands. So if I say to a friend who is a ward manager 'today was bad' she knows EXACTLY what I mean without details. If I say that to hubby, he thinks maybe my tea was cold when I drank it. It's too hard to explain why the shift was bad, so I shrug. I can't be bothered explaining, so for all of you it must be like facing Everest. Why was today bad, how long have you got?

At least here you can say 'today was bad' and we know.

Bezzy - maybe you are feeling tired and burnt out? I think BB went through a really tired stage but am not sure of when? I think 3 weeks ago or abouts but I may be way out. There is probably a personal cycle of energy - anger - saddness - lethargy - calm - energy, that could be almost tracked through these threads.

Poor bb, I can hear you aching in the post. Go slowly my love.

Yeah, everybody I know exactly what you mean about being brave and everyone thinking it's all ok. What I find really hard is when people ask 'hi, how are you?' in that way where the only polite and normal answer is 'fine thanks, how are you?'. We all know it's a rhetorical question, but I just can't muster up the 'fine/good thank you' bit. So I say, "oh, you know..." (voice tailing off) or 'yeah, so so' but whatever I say it's difficult cos then people have to make another comment or ask how you really are etc and obviously it's not always the right time to go there!!! ARGH!!!!