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Antenatal/postnatal depression

Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

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Original poster

I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

609 replies

awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:29

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

OP posts:
HandMini · 27/09/2011 20:06

OP, there is is so much help and good will on this thread. Please come back so you can read some more, I am sure it will be helpful in getting you to phone the doctor back / go to A&E. My heart goes out to you.

misdee · 27/09/2011 20:14

not alone, anyone

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 20:25

Can I post yet?

OP posts:
garlicnutty · 27/09/2011 20:25

You may Grin

misdee · 27/09/2011 20:26

are you ok?

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 20:28

Oh thank god. I've just been banned!!

I've been trying for ages to tell you all that I'm ok.

Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten anyone.

I've been trying for about half an hour to tell you not to worry and Mumsnet banned me and didn't even send me an email or anything! I've been sat here in tears trying to log on thinking I was banned forever and you'd all think I was a liar.

OP posts:
Tiredmumno1 · 27/09/2011 20:29

Thank goodness, glad you are back, was worried about you

MissBetsyTrotwood · 27/09/2011 20:30

Well that wasn't what I thought.

Glad you're back.

Tiredmumno1 · 27/09/2011 20:30

Have you messaged mnhq to ask why?

garlicnutty · 27/09/2011 20:30

Oh, heck, poor you Shock

How are things?

HandMini · 27/09/2011 20:31

Phew. But more importantly than getting back on MN (Smile) what are you going to do TONIGHT to get help?

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 20:31

I'm ok. Don't worry. Not feeling too happy (understatement) and my heart is going like the clappers after thinking I was banned but I'm alright.

OP posts:
HandMini · 27/09/2011 20:34

Keep the momentum that you've already built...you can reach out for help, you've proved that tonight, but you haven't got through to anyone who can get you started on ADs yet. Can you go to an A&E / walk-in clinic? Where is your DH? Have you spoken to him?

garlicnutty · 27/09/2011 20:35

Where's DH atm? Have you shown him your thread? May as well delegate 'difficult' phone calls wherever possible.

Have a look at missdee's link above, if you haven't already ... As she says: not alone :)

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 20:36

Yes I've messaged them. I know they might have had a lot of reports but they could have emailed me at least.

I'm not doing anything. My husband bought me some chocolate. I'm stupidly thinking that I can manage despite having it all written out here exactly how well I'm not coping. I'm too frightened to call the doctor ever again. That woman wasn't very nice. I know I sound dramatic but honestly she wasn't

OP posts:
pleasephone · 27/09/2011 20:36

You're not ok, lovely, you are a poorly lady. It is NOTHING to be ashamed of and nothing to fear. The only thing to fear are the outcomes if you don't seek help. I promise you, it won't be as scary as you think.

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 20:37

Why would they ban you? Confused

How are you feeling?

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 20:38

I've got lots of PM's. I'll reply to them all soon promise

OP posts:
pleasephone · 27/09/2011 20:38

Maybe that doctor's isn't right for you. I changed mine as they're weren't supportive at all. They didn't even assess me for PND, despite it being a concern as I'd previously suffered. Ring you out of hours doctor, I'm sure it will be a different GP. Ask to speak to the Crisis Team. 'Crisis' sounds scary but they are the people who can help you

misdee · 27/09/2011 20:38

have you got a HV? mine was invaluable. after i broke down in breastfeeding clinic, she made the call, and got me a docs appointment. she checked i was ok, and supported me and my family through the dark days.

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 20:41

I was just thinking of that thread about the woman who she was driving in the middle of the night to rescue her kid and it turned out she'd made it up- I think maybe they got suspicious of me because I disappeared.

I was just crying and eating chocolate

OP posts:
pleasephone · 27/09/2011 20:41

Found this on a postnatal support site

Need Help Now
We do understand that you may feel desperate and need to talk with someone right now.
Our office hours are Monday-Friday 10am-2pm. If the phone lines are busy please leave a message and we will call you back as quickly as we can.
Outside office hours if you want to speak to someone we recommend

Parentline (24 hour helpline) 08088002222

The Samaritans 08457909090

You can safely call either of these numbers and speak to a sympathetic advisor. These people may not be expert in matters relating to post-natal depression but they will listen to your concerns and do what they can to help you.

If you don't feel able to call the GP. Be honest and say that you don't know how to express how you are feeling. They are trained to talk

Witchofthenorth · 27/09/2011 20:45

Oh thank god OP, was getting really worried. Phew! Keep talking to us lovely. How is your H with you now? Does he know what's been going on yet?

I still think you need to phone someone. Tonight.

duckduck · 27/09/2011 20:46

oh bloody hell, poor you, I could have written that all myself. same boat, same mad head, same insomnia, I thought I was alone... sometimes sane, lucid, on school run, next moment smashing up the bedroom. PM me - will give you my number/talk to you if you like, or just give me your number and I will listen and totally understand, and understand that you don't want to call the doc. Head full? poor you, it is hell isn't it. Happy to listen if you want to talk/rant/cry. Samaritans are good, at least it clears a bit of space in your head for a while? You could try them? You are not insane - neither am I. Just lost for a while. Stay strong x

CaveMum · 27/09/2011 20:47

Glad you are still there OP. I second changing Drs, if your current GP is not sympathetic them tell the surgery you want to switch to a different one.

Keep eating the chocolate and posting, but don't stop seeking help.