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Antenatal/postnatal depression

Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

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Original poster

I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

609 replies

awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:29

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe80nappies · 27/09/2011 20:47

I don't think MN will have been monitoring how frequently you posted.

Isn't it funny, I was thinking about that middle of the night thread too.

I hope the chocolate is helping - did you thank your husband? Buying chocolate is code for 'I don't know how to help but I love you', you know.

Witchofthenorth · 27/09/2011 20:49

Alibabaa is correct, chocolate is a mans elastoplast......talk to him, he needs to know you need him to hel you.

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 21:04

I've got an email from them now. They're saying I must have had problems logging on. Well I was trying to post and it kept saying revise your message. Then I tried to PM one of you to pass on that I was alright and even though it looked like I was logged in, it kept coming up and saying please log on first. Then I tried to report my thread and it just went on to a blank screen. Then I tried logging in and out and it just refreshed the same screen. It's suspicious.

Yes, he's a great husband. He's tried telling me about what a great wife I am and it's making me upset because I'm a terrible wife.

My husband says he called NHS direct and spoke to someone but they said if they send round they can't guarantee they'll be any more sympathetic than the first person I spoke to

OP posts:
Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 21:07

I have got a health visitor but she's a bit flowery.

Honestly, i'll convince myself that i'm just fine and I only need to put more effort in by the morning. I've been going round and round in circles for months.

I posted months ago under my normal name to say I thought I might have PND only everyone just kept telling me to go to the doctor so in the end I said I would and then hid the thread

OP posts:
misdee · 27/09/2011 21:07

they might be more sympathetic.

please get yourself seen by a medical person soon, and ask about support groups. I am refusing to hide my PND anymore.I am not weak for suffering, no-one is. It shouldnt be a shameful secret left to fester.

TherapeuticVino · 27/09/2011 21:08

lovelymumfoggyhead (which is your new name - I refuse to call you your name) they can't guarantee it, but they WILL help you. Please tell your husband that you need his help to get you help. he obviously loves you to bits which tells me that when you're not accusing him of hiding toys you're a lovely wife.

(I once called my husband at work and screamed at him because CBeebies wasn't working. A lead had come out........)

Let him help you x

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 21:13

NHS direct said they couldn't gaurantee a sympathetic person? Why would it have to be a sympathetic person, surely just a doctor would do? To be honest you have had loads of sympathy what you need is a plan of action and a way forward - sorry if that's harsh, but you need to get this sorted or it will continue.

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 21:14

You sound a bit better which is good :)

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 21:16

If Cbeebies didn't work, I would blame him. The other day I was being horrible again and he was sending me nice messages and I convinced myself that he was being sarcastic. I had a breakdown in Sainsburys because he forgot the nectar card. I was sobbing over the hoovering because he hadn't done it properly and I was furious that he'd managed to try to do it when I can't do it and thought he was rubbing my face in it.

I can't control my emotions at all. I really do need tablets. I make alton towers look boring.

OP posts:
misdee · 27/09/2011 21:16

see a GP

say 'i think have post natel depression and need help' they make you feel in a score sheet (dont lie on it), they give a months of AD's, ask about family support, ask you to see them i na month.

but please please do look at other support available.

Witchofthenorth · 27/09/2011 21:17

I have to log off now amsh, but I will check in again shortly. please,please, please phone someone, don't convince yourself it will be ok because it won't and you know it. By tomorrow afternoon you will be feeling the same again.
Call the doctor back lovely, you need to x

Tiredmumno1 · 27/09/2011 21:19

Its great that you got back on and your back to chat, it really does not matter who you talk to at this stage, just concentrate on getting on some medication thats going to help

mamalovesmojitos · 27/09/2011 21:21

I've been there. Just wanted to add to other wise posts- please do go to the doctor. Any medical professional. Do it. This is not your fault. With a bit of help you can get through this, back to normal, and happy again. I promise Smile. .

BeerTricksPotter · 27/09/2011 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meteorite · 27/09/2011 21:22

Will you ask your DH to phone the GP first thing tomorrow and make you an appointment? And then to take you to the appointment to make sure you keep it?

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 21:22

Is it the edinburgh test? I did it months ago and it said I was seriously depressed. I decided I was just having an off week and needed to bake more.

Yes I do sound better and I feel better but I'm only calm, I'm not rational. I'm even more of an idiot now because i'll set myself some unachievable goal for tomorrow to be the perfect wife and mother and by midday i'll be almost in tears because i've fucked it all up and just sat in the corner in my night clothes telling my baby to shut up

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 27/09/2011 21:24

Your only goal is to speak to doctor, bugger everything see. What's the chances of your husband taking tomorrow off?

HandMini · 27/09/2011 21:24

AMSH - you definitely, absolutely need to go tomorrow, or even tonight, to get some help. I know this has been said a thousand times on this thread, but please make a plan right now as to how you're going to do this. Your last message sounds seriously upset.

threeinmybed · 27/09/2011 21:26

Alright OP? You carry on munching that chocolate Smile

You absolutely must visit the doctor tomorrow. If DH isn't home, bundle baby in the pram, take a couple of feeds (if applicable) and be waiting on the doorstep when the GP opens. They will get you in to see a doctor ASAP. If that doctor isn't sympathetic, walk back to reception and ask for someone else.

There are a couple of stepping stones to feeling better. AD's will be one of those stepping stones, as well as some therapy. I am still receiving CBT and my DS is nearly 1, although I have stopped taking my medication.

The tablets will help stop those dizzying lows that make you feel sick. It won't feel like being on a roller coaster anymore, up and down all the time. Itll even you out.

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 21:27

Oh god no the LAST person I can talk to is my mil. She's a wonderful woman, I love her to bits but she MUST keep the illusion that I'm a good wife and mother. I'll hate myself forever if my husband's family realise what a bum deal he's got being married to me.

I don't know, I feel like I need to breeze in to the doctors and casually get a prescription out of them while secretly telling myself that it's just to take the edge of course but really secretly knowing I'm bullshitting myself but the only time I could possibly allow myself to call them is when i'm hysterical with despair

OP posts:
threeinmybed · 27/09/2011 21:28

It's exhausting being like this, isn't it? I bet you feel really tired. I know I did. The anxiety will stop soon, too. You will look forward to life again. By Christmas, you will not recognise yourself.

HandMini · 27/09/2011 21:29

No, don't try and pretend to the doctors. You can "keep a good face on" for anyone else, but you must try and be as honest as you can about how you're feeling or they won't be able to assess you properly. Try writing some of it down so you can read it out / hand it over if you feel yourself starting to "fake" while you're there.

HandMini · 27/09/2011 21:30

Threeinmybed puts a good slant on it - think how soon things can be better if you get help tomorrow. Feeling better by Christmas would be a wonderful goal.

threeinmybed · 27/09/2011 21:30

I think your DH needs to step in, perhaps? Can he take the day off tomorrow and take you to the doctors? Help you out a bit. Because if it was the other way round, I know you'd take him to see the doctor, be his voice and make sure he got better. Because you sound like a lovely lady Smile

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 21:32

How do you think you will get better if you keep up all this pretence? Don't pretend to the doctors or you won't get the help you need. They aren't likely to give you AD's if you breeze in and make out everything is hunky dory are they?