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Antenatal/postnatal depression

Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

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Original poster

I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

609 replies

awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:29

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

OP posts:
Tiredmumno1 · 27/09/2011 19:27

Come on op, please tell us your safe x

Tiredmumno1 · 27/09/2011 19:29

Well bewitched, i have alerted mumsnet hq to this thread, in the hope they can help, fingers crossed they can have alerted mumsnet hq to this thread, in the hope they can help, fingers crossed they can

worraliberty · 27/09/2011 19:29

What the hell happens now if OP doesn't come back?

I don't know how it works with MN but....

A couple of years ago there was a similar thread on an Ebay forum where the last post lead people to believe the OP may harm herself.

Everyone reported it to the Mods, they traced her address and the next thing I read, the OP came on the next morning...furious that the Police and Paramedics smashed her door down (literally) at 3am.

She wasn't very thankful for it, but everyone felt it was better to be safe than sorry.

Tiredmumno1 · 27/09/2011 19:30

Stupid phone Hmm

perfumedlife · 27/09/2011 19:31

OP I was also disbelieved when I went to the GP feeling incredibly ill, ds was a young baby and they wanted to put everything down to PFB, when really I was falling apart physically. I was finally recognised to be in Thyroid storm, I weighed hardly anything and was desperately ill.

It's incredibly hard and lonely to feel you are the only one who knows things are wrong. You know you feel ill, and now we know. We believe you. But we can't help from this distance. Ring 999, get them to come to you.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 27/09/2011 19:34

Oh, well done for alerting MNHQ, I wouldn't have thought of that, or known how to do it. As you say, much better safe than sorry. Let's hope someone gets there really soon.

FabbyChic · 27/09/2011 19:35

When I had a massive panic attack and could not breathe, and was having a really bad time my friend called an ambulance, they offered to take me in for help, gave me oxygen. Some of the medical profession are very caring.

suiledonn1 · 27/09/2011 19:36

I posted earlier on this thread. I have also reported to MNHQ before I realised someone else had done.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 27/09/2011 19:40

worrall I have also drawn it to MNHQ's attention.

Glitterkitten · 27/09/2011 19:41

Oh god. I hope OP is ok. Don't know what else to say that hasn't already been said. Sad

perfumedlife · 27/09/2011 19:41

Oh they are FabbyChic , I totally agree. I was just referring to the op's earlier experience with her GP about a different illness. It can be tricky to get the right help at first. But in this situation, the emergency services would be straight on it and they are wonderful.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 27/09/2011 19:42

It is lovely that people have PM'd the OP, I hope she finds it supportive.

Just a note of caution to not share any personal information.

pleasephone · 27/09/2011 19:44

OP I pray you are still reading this. I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE. I suffered so badly with PND. I emotionally abused my wonderful husband. Most days I would think how I would 'end it all', I didn't want to die, I wanted it all to stop. I actually thought I was going insane. Will never forget feeding my gorgeous baby, looking up and seeing myself hanging from the doorway :-(

In the end I totally lost all hope. It resulted in me jumping out a moving car in order to 'run away'. My poor husband managed to get me into the car and home. Whilst he was putting DS to bed I rang 999. I don't even remember what I said, something along the lines of 'I need someone to come and get me, I need help'. A community ambulance (a car) turned up and knocked discretly on my door. They took me to my local A&E. I will never forget how distraught my husband looked as they took me away. He couldnt come as we had sleeping children upstairs. At the hospital I was assesed by the crisis team. After a long night I returned home and had to go back the next day.

To cut a long story short, if I'd not got help... I would've been dead. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE SEEK HELP - TONIGHT. You are worth more than this x

WomansWeekly · 27/09/2011 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

pleasephone · 27/09/2011 19:47

WomansWeekly - I see where you are coming from BUT there might be other women in desperate need reading this. If one person seeks help from reading this thread then its been worth sharing

missapphire · 27/09/2011 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

perfumedlife · 27/09/2011 19:48

I agree pleasephone and I am so glad you got the help you deserved.

pleasephone · 27/09/2011 19:50

Still working on it perfumedlife x

garlicnutty · 27/09/2011 19:52

Actually I spent the whole of my breakdown on a forum. My fellow posters knew I was unwell, but had no idea how bad things really were ... they were unspeakably bad, so awful I'm not about to post details here (or anywhere.) The forum was my only contact with the world outside my flat and my head.

I'm not making any judgements here, but I would NEVER go Hmm at a distress call. The possible consequences of being wrong are just too dire.

Gincognito · 27/09/2011 19:52

OP, please pm someone your name/location/phone number. We're really worried about you. So many of us have been where you are :(

Gincognito · 27/09/2011 19:53

Agreed garlicnutty. A MH crisis does not rob you of your ability to communicate Hmm

worraliberty · 27/09/2011 19:54

Yes I agree with whoever said anyone PMing the OP should not give any personal information.

pleasephone · 27/09/2011 19:54

Will MNHQ let us know if they make contact? I remember that feeling of sheer despair.

Crumbletopping · 27/09/2011 19:58

Haven't had time to read all your thread. Can your dh or a friend or relative go to the doctors with or for you?

Things can be fixed - you owe it to yourself and your baby to get help.

comeandsitbythefire · 27/09/2011 20:04

Please don't give out personal information to the op, this is not what they need right now.