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Antenatal/postnatal depression

Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

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Original poster

I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

609 replies

awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:29

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 27/09/2011 18:46

Phone up someone, tell them you want to die, that life is so hard, tell them how you are feeling and you don't want to feel that way.

Let it out, tell them you feel like you are drowning and can't swim, like you are in a deep black hole and cannot get out.

If the person on the phone does not understand then they are an arsehole.

You need help and you need help quickly, tablets take weeks to work, but once you start on them you know that soon you will feel better.

None of my pills have made me feel like a zombie. If you want me to help you in any way please contact me, I can just listen.

I understand I really do.

Take deep breathes and just try to calm down, it's okay to cry to let it all out.

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 18:46

Thanks everyone for posting. It's been so kind of you all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I can't do anymore. I was so stupid to think that they would help me when I can't even get up off the fucking floor by myself. I'm just a horrible joke. Oh god oh god.

Thanks everyone.

Goodbye. I can't bear to post anymore x x

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 18:47

It IS melodramatic to knock back help when the doctor offered to come round and thinking there is no hop for you - PND can make even the most level headed person a bit melodramatic ( I should know Wink)

So what now as the doctor will have gone home? Can you get through the night?

Witchofthenorth · 27/09/2011 18:47

Call her back and say

I need help, I need anti depressants, I can't cope, I need you to come out to me now because I cannot continue, I am self harming, please help.

If the doctor cannot see through that then get to A and E. Do this OP you are so nearly on that road to recovery.

Tiredmumno1 · 27/09/2011 18:48

Op send one of us the number and your details we are all really worried

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 18:48

If you can't get through the night you need to go to A and E NOW.

garlicnutty · 27/09/2011 18:50

Ring 999, please.

glitterstar88 · 27/09/2011 18:51

You are NOT a failure!
Please get yourself to see a doctor.
I felt the same way when i was pregnant with DS2 and after him.
I would leave DS1 with my mum and drive off down some country roads wanting to drive off the bridge over a motorway.
I finally went to the doctors and was put on antidepressants.
As soon as i left the doctors room I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders as somebody else knew how i felt properly.

Once you're on medication you will feel so much better and wonder why you didn't see a doctor sooner.
I'm finally off my tablets, and yes i do have some off days but i get through it now. You CAN do this! and the sooner you do it the better!

Witchofthenorth · 27/09/2011 18:52

OP you get your arse back on this thread and keep talking, keep talking to us while you are on the phone getting this fixed and getting someone to see you. Don't you dare give up now......

glitterstar88 · 27/09/2011 18:53

didnt read whole post before posting.
please get help now!

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 18:53

Go and see your dh, tell him you need to go to a and e, when you are there tell them you have had suicidal thoughts and they WILL spring into action, I promise.

FabbyChic · 27/09/2011 18:55

Please come back OP. I know you feel alone, as if no one understands, but there are us here who do, who want to help you get through this.

Never take no for an answer when asking for help. You deserve help you are worthy.

Tiredmumno1 · 27/09/2011 18:56

come on op come back, we are are all here for you, you need to keep talking.

TottWriter · 27/09/2011 18:56

No you don't! You are not a failure and you are not a fraud!

Get someone to come round - when they ring the doorbell your Dh can answer it, and at least then he'll know you really are unwell.

We can find the answers to all the obstacles you have, but you need to do your part and say "Yes, help me. NOW"

Call back. Just say "Help me"

QueenofJacksDreams · 27/09/2011 18:58

Sweetheart I'm not giving up on you so don't you dare give up on yourself. A&E now its best for you and its best for that baby of yours. You are not pathetic just under a lot of pressure.

I know how life can feel worthless how you can feel worthless, but do you think your son thinks you're worthless? No, he bloody doesn't and I doubt your DH does either so go get some help now. Are you in Nottingham? PM me if you are I'll be with you as soon as I can and if not I am sure theres a MN'er somewhere near you willing to come to you to help.

I promise you things can be better you can wake up in the morning and not want to cry at the idea of another day you just need to get that help. Please.

glitterstar88 · 27/09/2011 18:59

Please get to A&E or ring 999. I've been on the floor screaming not being able to get up when the receptionist at my doctors surgery couldn't fit me in for an appointment when i wanted help for PND.

I was always thinking of ways i could end my life, it made it worse thinking what my kids must feel like. But i now am capable of day to day things after being on meds and my boys are so much better off from it.

You can do this!

Meteorite · 27/09/2011 19:02

Can you phone a friend, neighbour or relative who lives nearby? Anyone at all who would be understanding and find medical help?

If your DH comes into the room again, ask him to call a doctor for you. You could even show him this thread.

Phone NHS Direct again and say you can't go through all their questions, you just need someone to visit you.

perfumedlife · 27/09/2011 19:05

OP if you feel you can't talk to anyone, or type any more here, just read what the others have written and try to believe that we wouldn't lie to you that help is there, if it wasn't. It is available, you just have to accept it.

If I were you, I would wash my face then make a call to 999, telling them you feel suicidal. That's do-able. When you have done that one thing, the help will come. It will.

iMemoo · 27/09/2011 19:08

Op, I've sent you a PM xxxx

Witchofthenorth · 27/09/2011 19:12

Please come back and check in OP. Let us know you are ok....

misdee · 27/09/2011 19:20

OP I hope u do get help. I have severe pnd. Its awful. The last month has been bad as I have been swittching meds. I have been ranty, screamy sad.

I don't think ad's will 'cure' me, they help take the edge off.

I attend a pnd support group. To know you are not alone is the biggest sense of relief. To have people who know is a lifeline.

Please seek help OP, there is help out there.

Knackeredmother · 27/09/2011 19:24

Op I am a doctor with some psychiatry training. There is help available tonight. Go to A and E, there is an Oncall crisis team and psychiatrist who WILL help you.
Your last post is concerning and I am worried you may harm yourself. I have asked mumsnet to try and trace you and arrange the urgent help you need.
I am really sorry if it seems like interfering but morally and professionally I can not ignore your posts.

worraliberty · 27/09/2011 19:25

I messaged MNHQ a while ago about the OP but for a different reason

Hopefully they're looking into our messages

NoToast · 27/09/2011 19:26

I have a 14week old and I'm fine most days but have had some terrible rages and intrusive thoughts that I couldn't tell anyone about. This thread has made me realise that it's ok to go and see my doctor.

OP, by posting your thread you've been wiser and braver than me and you've really helped me, now please get help for yourself, you deserve it.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 27/09/2011 19:26

I've been reading this more or less from the start, haven't posted, have no experience or expertise in this area. Also am new and a bit in awe of a lot of you.
I just want to say that I think you are all astonishingly wonderful, to expend so much energy and time on a total stranger, it's absolutely incredible, I really mean it.
And you must all now feel exhausted. What the hell happens now if OP doesn't come back?