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Antenatal/postnatal depression

Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

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Original poster

I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

609 replies

awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:29

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

OP posts:
Meteorite · 28/09/2011 19:18

Good luck OP, take care and I hope you feel better soon.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 28/09/2011 19:18

I believe you michelleseashell and so does MNHQ. You don't have to go if you find it helpful here. The thread has also been moved so you may find things more gentle from now on if you do stay for support. Good luck to you in the days, weeks, and years ahead !

Witchofthenorth · 28/09/2011 19:19

Dont be ridiculous michelle, nobody thinks badly of you, infact i think most of us were genuinly worried about you. FWIW I and i am sure quite a few others didnt think you were a troll lovely, keep us posted on how you arer getting on :)

BeerTricksPotter · 28/09/2011 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

garlicnutty · 28/09/2011 19:23

Oooh, it's YOU michelle Grin Hello!

How are you now?
You deserve the best of care, you know. You'll be so glad of it when things start shaking down for you :) Your DH and LO will, too.
Be gentle with yourself.

ProjectGainsborough · 28/09/2011 19:23

For what it's worth, I really am not getting 'troll' from this thread. OP, I hope you continue to move on and get help. Beginning this thread was a good start.

Meteorite · 28/09/2011 19:27

What does the GP advise you do next michelle?

IsItMeOr · 28/09/2011 19:33

Another who was struggling to buy the 'troll' label, what you were saying just chimed so much with my experience of people with mh problems.

Keep posting if you're finding it helpful.

Witchofthenorth · 28/09/2011 19:42

I have to log off now i havent been on mumsnet all day honestly but shall check in again tomorrow. Please post again OP, dont feel you have to leave because a couple of posters shouted troll (think yourself lucky, its normally half the bloody posters Wink) i would hate to think of you facing this alone now :(

if you need a break from this then thats fine PM me if you need to rant or talk rubbish for a bit :)

duckduck · 28/09/2011 19:44

I didn't get the troll thing either - at least you had the balls to get on here - don't be spooked by some rubbish posts, you are brave to give it some air/seek help and there seem to be a lot of us who understand you. Keep on going - sod the rest. I got slam dunked once on here and it was debilitating and made things worse for a while, but actually you have a lot of support here and feeling for you so Keep Buggering On and so many people who are good and genuine will keep posting supportive stuff - you will get through...Thanks

BeerTricksPotter · 28/09/2011 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

misdee · 28/09/2011 20:30

michelle, i'm glad you came back.

please seek out other medication that wont cause you issues. there is heaps out there.

Everlong · 28/09/2011 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigkidsdidit · 28/09/2011 20:34

oh Michelle please don't quit. I knew it was you, you have such a way with words, you are a good writer. I've been reading this all day, willing you on.

Carry on posting and then have a name change in a while if you want to put all this behind you.

pleasephone · 28/09/2011 23:14

I didn't think you were a troll x Please keep posting and seeking support. YOU CAN DO THIS

garlicnutty · 29/09/2011 00:14

You can :) And you know what? You are a fabulous writer - descriptive with economy; it takes me twenty edits to get that, yet you can do it while you're having a meltdown Shock Envy Grin

Oh, have one of these too Thanks

threeinmybed · 29/09/2011 07:52

OP, I think it's probably a right of passage to get accused of being a troll Confused the trouble is, one person does it and then others join in too. I'm sorry it's happened to you, but mumsnet have deleted those posts now, so you can just look back on the supportive posts.

We are all rooting for you; hoping the tablets will start working effectively for you very soon. As I said before, mine worked after a couple of days; probably a placebo effect but I really didn't care. It was so much better than feeling so 'spiky'. I found they evened me out. It was so peaceful. I don't actually think they dull your senses at all. That wasn't my experience anyway.

I think though, that after living such an up and down existence for so long, you imagine that AD's will have you living on a permanent high. Well, they won't because that isn't normal either; it's a part of depression. The AD's put you firmly back in the middle where you used to be before all this. But because it's been so long since you've woken up in the morning and felt average, it can feel like a dulling of senses.

Don't be afraid to ask for sleeping tablets if you need them. I was prescribed 10 days worth, under the supervision of my DH. It isn't proper sleep, it's a false sleep. So you may wake up and feel not quite rested, because it doesn't create a deep sleep. You just kind of bob along over the surface of sleep land iyswim. But what it does do, is reset your internal clock so that after the course, you'll start feeling tired at bedtime, and be far less likely to wake up every hour!

The actual road to physical recovery is very short, I think. This time next month, chances are you'll be feeling physically a different woman. I know I did. By Christmas, you'll be superwoman! Mental recovery though, is a different road. Depression itself can leave you traumatised, as well as underlying causes of depression and it's important to get support and help for those things too.

Get well xx

michelleseashell · 29/09/2011 09:34

Thank you to everybody who tried to help me, who sent me messages of support, who didn't shout me down as being deliberately difficult and pretending I'd had a bad reaction to my tablets and to everybody who didn't join in the troll hunt.

This is going to be my last ever post on Mumsnet. It isn't a flounce because I can't handle a bit of suspicion. Of course suspicion has it's place and of course you all must feel 'fool me twice shame on me' after some of the unpleasant lies told recently by the true trolls. I didn't disappear deliberately. Mumsnet has suspended by ability to post on this thread on two occasions and I was checking my emails in an absolute panic non stop to try to find out why. Eventually they told me that it was something to do with my IP address but I have no idea what they're talking about. What upsets me is if they thought there was some problem with my IP address, why would they wait until the one time I needed to post more than anything in the world to raise it with me?

I don't know if any of you know this but when you are banned, they simply pretend that your log in details don't work and that you've put in the wrong password. Which means that someone shaking and crying in hysterics will think it's them not typing properly and will spend twenty minutes typing it in again and again and thinking they've really gone properly mad this time.

Yesterday afternoon, I had the most horrendous panic attack of my life. My husband thought I'd gone insane. At one point I was lying on the floor barely able to breathe screeching I'M NOT A TROLL over and over again. He called an ambulance to come and give me oxygen. I had to take a huge dose of nitrazepam to knock me out.

I'm not the only person to ever have seretonin syndrome or even just have a bad reaction to paroxetine. There are threads on this forum about it, even.

It wasn't very nice to read in the midst of a building panic attack that I just wasn't trying hard enough to get better and messages encouraging me to feel guilty about how much I was hurting my family. I was already hysterical and I felt like I'd just had a big line of cheap speed. I was terrified.

Then it all spiralled out of control and the troll calls started. In my mania I sent Mumsnet about ten emails begging them to let you know I was a real person.

It all started so wonderfully and it ended so frighteningly. I don't dare come back to Mumsnet. I have truly had my fingers burnt, no make that my whole arm, and I'm too emotionally fragile to risk any more.

I don't know how to get out of this depression. Mumsnet and AD's were my last beacon in the fog and now everything has gone dark and scary.

So anyway it's adios from me. Please think twice about calling troll to someone in distress.

NinkyNonker · 29/09/2011 09:58

Oh my love, you have me in tears you sound so alone. Don't go. X

ArthurPewty · 29/09/2011 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

glastocat · 29/09/2011 10:00

Honestly my dear, you need to see a doctor pronto.

Becaroooo · 29/09/2011 10:08

Sorry you are leaving M

However, you have some great advice/support on this thread.

Sadly, the very nature of public internet forums mean that you are always going to get people who dont agree with you/dont approve of your behaviour etc etc whether you are in distress or not

Your posts got very defensive and name calling and swearing is never a good idea IMHO.

I undertand why you were so distressed at not being able to log on (it happened to me once - I was baffled too!) and it caused you to have a panic attack. Glad you got some help, though.

Just because one med hasnt worked, that doesnt mean there arent that will I had to try 3 til I got one that helped me.

Your posts started with the words I CANT and I WONT. You still seem to have that attitude, sadly. That doesnt mean you are a troll it means you are in denial about your illness.

I really hope you keep trying and go and see a different GP and try different meds.

It doesnt have to be like this M

Good luck x

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 29/09/2011 10:16

I will admit I was suspicious, and as you say who can blame after some of the rubbish that has been on MN in recent weeks.

I stand by all the advice I've given in earlier posts though - the only person who can fix you, is you.
Mumsnet can still be a source of support to you, you have had some great advice on this thread if only you would take it.
AD's could also still be an option, but again only if you choose to go back to your Dr and talk things through.

If you just keep saying, I can't, I won't, I'm useless, I'm rubbish then nothing will change.
You deserve better than that, and so do your husband and child.

AKMD · 29/09/2011 10:19

Read and understand. I really hope you get the help you need. You sound liek you have a fantastically supportive husband, who is rooting for you. So important to have strong people beside you in RL.

ProjectGainsborough · 29/09/2011 10:41

OP, please don't give up. Go to a walk-in clinic and discuss the problems that you've had. There will be a solution for you. Lots of people on this thread had to try different types of meds before they found something that worked.

And if posting here helps, keep doing it - the supportive messages are still coming in, I notice.