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Antenatal/postnatal depression

Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

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Original poster

I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

609 replies

awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:29

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe80nappies · 28/09/2011 17:04

MyLittleWerewolf - we nightweaned DS1 when he was 20 months, he was a nightmare, waking all the time - horrendous. Over the Easter weekend when DH had 4 days off, DH went to DS1 whenever he woke in the night. The first night he had to hold him for nearly 2 hours while he cried and wouldn't settle. Second night was better, third night AWFUL. Fourth night he slept through.
We still BF for another 5 months, just not during the night, so it can definitely be done.
We didn't want to do CC, or bring an early end to the BFing relationship, and this really worked for us. Obviously you need the full support of your DP, to not think 'fuck this' after 45 minutes and want to go back to bed.

misdee · 28/09/2011 17:31

i'm happy for my posts to stand inc the link to my blog. its a public one anyway.

Quidsi · 28/09/2011 17:42

I'm another poster this thread has helped. Reading all your experiences prompted me to go to the Doctors today. I now have a prescription for the ADs I finally realise I need.
So whether the OP was true or not thankyou all for sharing your experiences.

Witchofthenorth · 28/09/2011 17:46

Good on you Quidsi :)

well done and good luck for the future :)

LeQueen · 28/09/2011 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

garlicnutty · 28/09/2011 18:02

I'm glad this thread is helping others and encouraging sufferers of severe PND to share! It's so much more common - and more frightening - than most people realise.

I was the first to mention serotonin syndrome. I get it from my ADs. I didn't realise it can be so severe as to cause sudden death Shock
Here's a quote from Wikipedia:

Symptom onset is usually rapid, often occurring within minutes. Serotonin syndrome encompasses a wide range of clinical findings. Mild symptoms may only consist of increased heart rate, shivering, sweating, dilated pupils, myoclonus (intermittent tremor or twitching), as well as overresponsive reflexes. Moderate intoxication includes additional abnormalities such as hyperactive bowel sounds, high blood pressure and hyperthermia; a temperature as high as 40 °C (104 °F) is common in moderate intoxication. The overactive reflexes and clonus in moderate cases may be greater in the lower limbs than in the upper limbs. Mental status changes include hypervigilance and agitation. Severe symptoms include severe increases in heart rate and blood pressure that may lead to shock.

That definitely explains why she was shaking and incoherent, the poor woman. Treatment would, indeed, be with Valium and she won't be able to use SSRIs ever again due to the likelihood of toxic shock. I imagine she's out cold for now.

OP, I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this! Do check your emails from MNHQ, and let us know how things are when you're ready. x

valiumredhead · 28/09/2011 18:11

I think if she had SS garlic I don't think she'd be up to posting on MN somehow....................

Good point LeQueen, funny how they are referred to as 'happy pills' isn't it?

ProjectGainsborough · 28/09/2011 18:19

Another lurker who has found this thread enormously useful. OP, I hope you feel better soon.

garlicnutty · 28/09/2011 18:28

I've got it right now, valium! Not as bad as OP, obv.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 28/09/2011 18:29

valium indeed.

Quidsi - good for you! Hope you start to feel better soon :)

ItJustIsntEasy · 28/09/2011 18:31

how can you tell the difference between chronic sleep deprivation and PND, that is what I am not sure about....or alternatively just not being great at the whole parenting thing??

garlicnutty · 28/09/2011 18:39

Depression symptoms that can be caused by sleep deprivation:
Fatigue
Anxiety
Bad temper
Tendency to think the worst
Hypervigilance (beingover-cautious & over-reactive)
Weird appetite
Weird digestion
Sleep problems (!)

Symptoms that indicate depression:
Self-loathing
Hopelessness
Can't see "the point"
Not feeling refreshed by sleep

Sure some others will be along with more.

LeQueen · 28/09/2011 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MNHQ
HelenMumsnet · 28/09/2011 18:47

Hello.

Just to let you know that we have not banned the OP or accused her of being a troll.

We were having a good deal of trouble getting in touch with her today and, at one point, having exhausted all other avenues, we suspended her ability to post for a few moments in the hope that this might prompt her to mail us.

She's now mailed in - and is free to post again.

Many thanks for all your wonderful posts on this thread.

valiumredhead · 28/09/2011 18:51

Well I look forward to her apology for telling people to fuck off :)

Thanks Helen.

Glitterkitten · 28/09/2011 18:54

This is leaving me feeling uncomfortable on behalf of all those who have opened up in an effort to help OP.

Something's not right.

I'm just glad others are being helped by the advice that has been given

ssd · 28/09/2011 18:58

op, please dont go

am really worried about you

MN please sort this out and let her post

ssd · 28/09/2011 19:00

x posts, thanks helen

and valiumredhead, get off your high horse

garlicnutty · 28/09/2011 19:01

Thank you, Helen :)

OP did say she'd tried SSRIs before and they didn't agree with her ... we urged her to try again. Not the best idea, as it turned out.

Still, this does mean she's now under medical care which is a hell of a relief.

Please don't start thinking "it can't be real" just because it's awful. That's the exact reason I never posted my truth online but, as we all know, it is incredibly helpful to be able to "talk". Sometimes it's easier to confide with strangers online, so let's not be all judgey here.

As well as OP (arguably, given our advice to use ADs!) this thread has already helped other people :)

We're all brilliant, eh Grin

MyLittleWerewolf · 28/09/2011 19:01

Alibaba yup, we are thinking of the same thing - think nightweaning will really help DD (and me, obv) but we, like you, need to wait until DP has a few days off work in order to be able to catch up on the sleep I've no doubt he'll need. Thanks for the advice, it can be really bloody hard, can't it ?
ItJustIsn'tEasy this is exactly the problem I have - how do I know that what I feel (numb, distant, oversensitive, resentful) doesn't just have its root cause in the loss of sleep ? Thats what I'm hoping the GP will be able to assess.

SpanishPaella · 28/09/2011 19:02

im pleased others have gotten some comfort and help from this thread

MNHQ
HelenMumsnet · 28/09/2011 19:09

We're also going to move this thread into our Antenatal/Postnatal Depression topic - as that's probably a better place for it that AIBU.

ItJustIsntEasy · 28/09/2011 19:10

thanks garlic - there is a lot of crossover isn't there. The symptom that makes me a bit doubtful then is the 'self-loathing' as I am certainly feeling that at the moment...but then you would wouldn't you when you feel like a crappy mother and fraudulent housewife!

MyLittleWerewolf - snap. I recognize exactly what you describe. I have suffered depressions (not pregnancy/birth related) in the past and it does feel similar but lack of sleep can do strange things plus the limited social life/lack of money/lack of time/bad body image etc, all these other 'issues' pile on top and it gets all a bit muddy in terms of cause and effect. Anyway, sorry you are not so happy either.

Do you know if you can take St John's Wort while breastfeeding?

Meteorite · 28/09/2011 19:14

Thanks for the update, Helen.

So glad there are some who have found the thread helpful. Good luck to all.

michelleseashell · 28/09/2011 19:14

You might as well see my normal name. I'm quitting now I think becausa so many people
Think so badly of me.

I can't handle an more. Please I wasn't a troll. If I could do anything to prove i'm real, I would have. I've send Mumsnet my address, my mobile number, the name of my doctor, every thing.

I feel so unwell, I'm terrifyed.

Thank you much for everything any of you have done to help me and put up with me.