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I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

609 replies

awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:29

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 29/09/2011 11:10

This reply has been deleted

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FannyPriceless · 29/09/2011 12:14

ItJustIsntEasy I just wanted to answer the question you asked yesterday, because that is exactly what I kept asking myself. i.e. how do you know if it's PND, or just sleep deprivation combined with the difficulties of having a young baby?

My PND was undiagnosed for a long time. My reasoning for how I was feeling was that it could all be explained by lack of sleep and difficult circumstances (moving to a new area with two young children, recovering from a terrible pregnancy, etc, etc).

There were so many times that I did not feel capable of looking after my children. It was the most enormous undertaking to consider leaving the house. And when I did I would see other mums juggling small children with ease, while I couldn't even cope with the basics.Sad I felt like a failure all the time. I would dream of sleeping for a whole night with no children to wake me up.

I thought everyone else must be in on a secret that nobody had told me, because they could cope and I couldn't. I tried to be more organised, I tried to do the things I thought a SAHM should do. I would just end up crying and feeling like a failure in a spiral I couldn't get out of. And so, so tired, all the time.

One day everything just stopped. Frozen to the spot, crying and crying. DH came home from work to take the children off my hands and I finally went to the GP to ask what was wrong. It turned out I was way at the top of the PND questionnaire, and I didn't even know.

I had been going around in circles in my head for weeks thinking it was just the difficult external circumstances that were making me feel I couldn't cope, not anything in my head. The thing is, it's nearly always a combination of external circumstances and head chemicals.

My advice would be, if you are questioning whether it's PND, ask. The questionnaire is really helpful to get things in perspective. The SSRIs turned out to be exactly what I needed. At the start I saw the GP every couple of weeks and re-did the questionnaire each time. Seering my score gradually come down each time was so satisfying, like proof that I was getting control back.Smile

Sorry I have written so much, but I can't believe the difference from what I've written to where I am now. It's like I have crossed over to the other side of this fuzzy wall that I was banging my fists against before.

That was seven months ago. Now I'm back in a serious, kick-arse job I wouldn't have believed I was capable of, the kids are brilliantly happy, I'm even buying funky stylish work clothes that I would never have had the confidence to wear before. And having sex with my husband! I'm so happy! Still tired, but actually happy. And the best part is the happiness for the whole family.

I really hope this helps someone.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 29/09/2011 12:23

I've been banned by MN as well OP. Someone reported me for sock puppeting or something and they didn't check properly and deleted me, so I've had the trying to log in thing and it not working. I found though that once they looked into it properly (at my request) it was dealt with quickly and I was unblocked. I don't think that the people who insist on calling troll realise this can happen, it's very upsetting.

I haven't read the whole thread so I am not sure where you are up to know on how you feel about seeing your dr, but just wanted to say that if you don't you will not get better. I don't know if you have a reason not to see them or if you are scared . . . I understand that you don't think you can take meds because of a past reaction but discuss this and all the other option with your dr. No one is allergic to counselling after all.

Gincognito · 29/09/2011 19:00

Michelle, I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you. I wish there was something I could do to help. Nobody thinks bad of you, really. :(

michelleseashell · 29/09/2011 19:43

I'm just posting the latest update for all of you that have supported me.

My husband has been mithering the receptionist at the surgery non stop all day and the doctor has stayed behind after his clinic to go through his medicine a to z to find a tablet I can take. He even met my husband at the late night chemist to give him the prescription. I've got something called imipramine now. It's an older type of AD and hopefully it will help. Please keep your fingers crossed for me!

I'm so sorry for being rude yesterday or the day before or whenever it was. I've completely lost track of time and reality. I don't even know what day of the week it is now come to think of it. Just call me Branston. Anyway, I am very sorry. I really did want the first tablets to work and I really didn't want to sabotage my own recovery. I was in a manic mess and it was hurtful that some of you thought it was of my own devising but I shouldn't have been such a dilberry.

Please please please don't go on troll hunts. Mumsnet joined in themselves, which I think was the most painful part of it. At one point I tried to post my mobile number so you could call and hear for yourselves that I'd gone completely off my rocker but thankfully Mumsnet blocked that message as well.

Anyway, I'm taking a long, long, long break from this forum. It's a shame because I loved the low tone here. I first joined babyandbump and I thought all the mums in the world were lentil lovers. They were gentle at least though so I think I'll be hanging around there for a bit pretending that I agree that if I get a forward facing pushchair that my baby will grow up to be a sociopath.

Big, big, big bunch of flowers to you all and that silly emoticon where two smug circles hug x x x x x x

Meteorite · 29/09/2011 19:51

Michelle I am so glad you have been given a different AD to try, and I really hope it helps you. Please let us know how you get on.

perfumedlife · 29/09/2011 19:58

Wishing you a fast recovery Michelle. I've heard good things about imipreme, lots of people I know take it for fibromyalgia with great results. Was wondering if you have had your thyroid checked recently? Just to rule that out. Common for it to play havoc after a baby.

Keep writing! You write beautifully.

garlicslutty · 29/09/2011 20:10

You do write beautifully :) And you're funny, and it's kind of you to post such a thoughtful update. I hope this works right, finally, and things start getting better soon.

What a terrifying day you had yesterday. Glad DH and your GP pulled out the stops for you!

Psychopathic forward-facing buggy baby, heh Grin

DumSpiroSpero · 29/09/2011 20:29

...pretending that I agree that if I get a forward facing pushchair that my baby will grow up to be a sociopath.

I misread that as 'my baby will grow up to be an osteopath'! Grin

(never mind your lovely writing, clearly I can't read!)

Glad things are looking more positive for you - take care.

bigkidsdidit · 29/09/2011 20:40

Good luck Michelle x

chipmonkey · 29/09/2011 22:50

michelle, you really do write beautifully. Please come back when you are feeling better, there are lots of funny, talented women here, you do fit right in!

Btw SpiroSpero that is actually true about the forward facing pushchairs causing children to be osteopaths. But there are worse things than having an osteopath for a child. Most of them are quite loving and they're handy to have around when you put your back out.

pleasephone · 29/09/2011 23:18

Good luck fab lady. You have done amazingly well. Keep fighting for yourself and for your family. Please remember that there have been lots of us willing you to do well. We didn't all think badly. It's fab to see that deep down you still have a sense of humour. You've made me smile. I wish you the very best on your journey and have every faith that you will come out the other side x

garlicslutty · 29/09/2011 23:34

After years on these boards, chipmonkey, I've succumbed to the mumsnet classic - I spat my drink over the laptop when I read your osteopath post!

michelleseashell · 29/09/2011 23:37

These tablets are working!! They're really, really working.

Oh I can't even describe how grateful I am.

I am getting some side effects. I've got the sweat from hell on, bad tummy ache and I'm swaying about like a drunk at a party on their way to the loo but I can live through this for a few weeks and hopefully see them ease off.

I just had to let you all know. I've got some hope. Finally!!

There's a huge smear of water across the bedroom from yesterday. In my manic panic attack, my husband gave me the valium to take and a bottle of water. I was such a box of frogs that I spent ten minutes trying to get the lid off the bottle of water without realising that my husband had already taken it off. I was in such a frenzy I didn't even notice that in my attempts to remove the missing lid, I was flinging water all over myself, the bed and the floor.

I can actually laugh at this story now without chalking it up as another piece of evidence as me being a useless human being.

That's good news? :o The fact I can laugh at throwing water over myself during a mental breakdown is good news? Shakes head. Ah well it's a start!

Quidsi · 30/09/2011 00:02

Michelle - I truly wish you all the best and really hope things improve for you.
If it hadn't been for your thread I woiuldn't have gone to the Doctors myself. But I did. I'm not the only one who has been helped by your thread.
Please see that as a good thing, you're not just helping yourself, your helping others

xx

Quidsi · 30/09/2011 00:03

*you're

Gincognito · 30/09/2011 06:30

Michelle, thank you so much for the update. It's great to hear that you've found something that's working for you.

I do hope that you eventually make your way back hear - as others have said you have a great posting style and are a pleasure to read. Totally understandable, though, if you need to take a break.

I've been up a lot with the baby over night and have been thinking about you. I'm very sorry for the ridiculous troll hunting. It's so ott at the moment. Please just remind yourself that those where a very small minority of the posts. Most of us have been right with you all along.

I'd be really grateful if you would come back to this thread from time to time to update us.

I've had pnd, it's awful. Thanks

peggyblackett · 30/09/2011 06:59

Michelle, thanks so much for telling us that you're feeling a bit better already. I'm so glad that you accessed help.

I also salute you for making me laugh out loud about the forward facing buggy when you're feeling rough. Do come back when you're feeling up to it, and you're done with making EBM yoghurt and knitting mung beans ;-). Take care x

TottWriter · 30/09/2011 07:23

I also wanted to thank you for letting us know how you are feeling. I've mostly been lurking here, but I was very worried. I didn't think you were a troll, (although at first I half hoped you were, as it would mean you weren't feeling so bad) and I was very relieved and then worried again when you started taking the SSRIs.

If you still want to walk away from Mumsnet for a while I don't think anyone here would blame you. You've had a bad experience, and distance sometimes helps. I hope that you feel confident enough to come back someday though - I think all of the people who stood by you here would be glad to see your name on the forums again.

Wish you the best.

trumpton · 30/09/2011 07:25
I hope your health continues to improve and will be thinking of your and yours.
Becaroooo · 30/09/2011 08:23

Thats great news M x

ssd · 30/09/2011 09:06

michelle, brilliant news

I wrote a big heartfelt post to you yesterday after work, then when I clicked to post it i got mumsnet offline for a few minutes try again later and i had to get the tea going so didnt get to go back and do it again

anyway all the best xx

ArthurPewty · 30/09/2011 09:49

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WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 30/09/2011 09:52

The pills have kicked in already? How long did that take? Lucky you! I had to wait a couple of weeks.

Glad you're feeling a bit better.

Did MN give you an explanation for blocking you? Apart for the vague thing about IP addresses?

Troll hunters make me so incredibly angry. I personal think that posters should be banned for troll hunting as it can cause immeasurable damage.

ArthurPewty · 30/09/2011 10:00

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