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Antenatal/postnatal depression

Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

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Original poster

I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

609 replies

awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:29

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

OP posts:
BifBof · 28/09/2011 13:30

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Message deleted by Mumsnet.

pyjamalover · 28/09/2011 13:31

Imagine you've got tonsillitis, making you feel dreadful. You do the sensible thing and see a Dr. They think it's bacterial and give you antibiotics. Of course you are sensible and take the full dose because we've all heard of antibiotic resistance, and you're feeling ill. Bad luck! You get thrush and nausea as a side effect of the antibiotics. Would you stop taking them? I mean you'll get better quicker from an illness making you feel awful, and it's only for a short time (lots of side effects ease after a couple of weeks).

You have an illness. There is a medication which will help you get better. Take it.

Pregnancy gave me horrible 'side effects' but I got through it hoping the end result would be worth it! Once you are better you'll be glad you took antidepressants.

threeinmybed · 28/09/2011 13:38

bifbof don't jump to that just yet; it took me 2 attempts to be successfully treated. The first time, I had the AD's but chucked them because I was too scared

Witchofthenorth · 28/09/2011 13:41

I would rather invest a little time and energy on the assumption that the Op needed support, than not post at all in case it is a troll. If one woman has identified with this thread and has sought help, then I dont care if OP is a troll.

you are entitled to your opinion though BifBof :)

threeinmybed · 28/09/2011 13:43

witch one woman already has sought help off the back of this thread, near the beginning I think. Worth it I think.

Witchofthenorth · 28/09/2011 13:45

Good :o absolutely worth it!

Glitterkitten · 28/09/2011 13:54

I see where Bif was coming from ( i say was as comment has been deleted) but i agree wholeheartedly with Witch.

If one person (OP or otherwise) benefits from the posters who have posted on here, then regardless, its worth it

pleasephone · 28/09/2011 14:03

Ironically I've posted given OP advice. Decided to take some of my own advice and sent husband to get some St Johns Wort. Can feeling depression is slipping back in but only low lying. Difference this time is that I know I have nothing to fear, just the chance to get better again.

OP how you doing? You're going to be going through a range of emotions. Please keep updating us. There's lots of good advice here x

worraliberty · 28/09/2011 14:05

She's been posting since 5.30am

She's probably gone to see to the baby or make some lunch

TandB · 28/09/2011 14:15

I would strongly support the approach that any information put out there on this thread is offered on the basis that it is all helpful to people who might find themselves in this situation, rather than being focussed on one specific individual.

People sometimes post and those who have invested a lot of time and emotion never hear anything more and are left hanging and worrying, or suspicions are raised but never resolved one way or another.

I wouldn't like to see anyone with a similar story getting hurt through their generous offers of support and help when they might never see it come to any sort of conclusion.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 28/09/2011 14:32

Wise words kungfu.

OP I can only agree with the others, that you cannot possibly be experiencing any genuine side effects yet.
You are self-sabotaging in the worst possible way, and you need to stop it. You need to want to get better rather than wallowing in all this self-pity and melodrama.

Millions of women get PND, and millions of women get better. If you allow it to happen, you can be one of those women.

I had PND too as I said earlier in the thread, and I'm afraid I have little patience with someone who won't do the best they can to help themselves.

Now take the whole tablet, and give yourself and your family a chance.

BoffinMum · 28/09/2011 14:42

You owe it to your family to take the bloody things and give them a fair chance. So take them! They don't dish these things out like sweets to just anyone. Despite what you might think.

LeQueen · 28/09/2011 14:49

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

naturalbaby · 28/09/2011 14:53

Great new name OP give the pills a chance, you know it makes sense. just focus on your daily routine for you and your baby - write it down, including "take 1 pill at __o'clock" and follow instructions. just do it.

and plan some time for yourself, book a babysitter or your DH at least once a week to go shopping/for a walk/nails done. anything out the house on your own to make you feel normal again. once a week, consider that part of your prescription. you have to do it.

scampbeast · 28/09/2011 15:12

Well done on taking the tablets, BIG HUG I remember how hard it was in the beginning before I got help, I questioned everything I did and only saw the negatives in my life and not any of the positives. I even told myself that my son would be better off if I put him up for adoption (which I now realise was the depression talking) I didn?t even realise that I hadn?t bonded with my son until after the tablets started to kick in and I called him MY boy for the first time.
It may sound hard but even admitting to family that you have PND helps, they can be more understanding of your outbursts. my MIL (house proud clean freak who makes me feel like I live in a tip) and friends took my son out for walks in the buggy to let me have some extra sleep or even just some time in front of the TV. None of them judged me and I found out that many of them had suffered from PND but didn?t admit it to anyone at the time and were glad to talk about their experience and help out.
Being referred to someone to talk to helped me. Some areas have group meetings ( a bit like a mother and baby club) just for help with PND. We don?t have one in my area but there were a group of us at one of the toddler groups who were all diagnosed and we all had a good moan about it with each other each week. If you don?t have a group in your area your HV should have a contact number for help groups you could talk to over the phone.
After some talk therapy I managed to look at myself when I was feeling bad and could tell myself that ?that is the PND talking, it is not true? but it did take a few secessions for me to get to that stage.

Starting today tell yourself 5 positive things you have done today. Be it that you did some housework, spent 15 minutes quality time to yourself (YES THAT IS IMPORTANT) or even got your other half to do some housework for you (that is an achievement in my house). even getting dressed in the morning is positive as many people have a PJ day all week.

When I took tablets the side effects lasted from about the 2nd to 3rd week before my body adjusted, keep that in mind and it might help you to take them. Even my DH commented after a couple of weeks that it was nice to get the ?old? me back again.

garlicnutty · 28/09/2011 15:21

It's true, you don't realise how many other people go through it until you start talking. You've done a great thing here, by starting your thread OP!

When I went back to work - very tough, mile-a-minute environment - I tried to cover up what was wrong, but that didn't really work because I was still pretty fragile emotionally. Eventually I admitted I'd have to tell the truth ... and, I kid you not, more than half of my colleagues said "Yes, I'm on antidepressants too"! I'd expected them all to use it against me, but they were really pleased to get a chance to talk about it :)

Napdamnyou · 28/09/2011 15:55

Delurking to wish you all the best. Am sure I'm not the only non contributor to thread doing same.

Look at your op. You said you couldn't and you wouldn't but you did. Well done. You've done the hardest thing which is the first step. One foot in front of the other, breathe in and out, keep going. You are doing it. You are walking into the light. You can't see the light yet but you are several big big steps closer to it, and you are being fab.

pleasejustletmesaythis · 28/09/2011 16:06

I have been banned again. This time permanently. I have sent about five emails to Mumsnet begging you to just let you all know this but they're ignoring me. I've even sent them my phone number but they're ignoring me.

I've had seretonin syndrome and a severe panic attack after taking the AD. My doctor has given me an emergency prescription of valium and I am not to take ssri's ever again.

I just wanted to let you all know.

I'm going to get banned again now no doubt. I've just created two new accounts before I was able to post.

I'm beyond gutted that Mumsnet have treated me this way. If they want to ban me then that's their perogative but I desperately need support right now. I'm so sorry for whatever it is I've done.

Please please believe me that I did not make all this up and I really did have a bad reaction to the tablets. If the valium didn't work, I was going to have to have an ambulance called but thank god it kicked in.

Well this is likely the last time we'll speak. Thank you everyone for trying to help and sorry that I'm such a mess. I'll miss having Mumsnet.

IsItMeOr · 28/09/2011 16:11

OP, I would also be terrified to take ADs, especially if I'd had those side effects before.

However, I second/third/tenth what others have already said that it is far more likely that what you're experiencing is a stress or anxiety response. I know how powerful those physical sensations can be from personal experience. It is truly horrible. But getting help will mean that they lessen over time.

I'm so pleased that you're committed to trying the tablets for the course (if I've read what you said last correctly). No, you don't have to be thrilled about it, you just have to do it.

Keep posting, but perhaps don't let your HV see what you've posted about her Grin.

IsItMeOr · 28/09/2011 16:13

Massive x-post Blush.

What a nightmare for you, I really hope you're getting some other help with your current struggles and that you are able to keep posting for support.

Good luck.

butterflyexperience · 28/09/2011 16:15

Op is so feel for you.

Please continue the ads and if this one doesn't agree with you get Gp to give you different ones

Your not alone

threeinmybed · 28/09/2011 16:17

Why is mumsnet banning the OP?

JodieSwirlTapBuff · 28/09/2011 16:20

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Message deleted by Mumsnet.

LeQueen · 28/09/2011 16:24

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meteorite · 28/09/2011 16:25

If this is true, then are you going to be prescribed one of the older Tricyclic antidepressants? What treatment does the GP now recommend?

"I am not to take ssri's ever again"