I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

[awfulmumshithead]

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

Are you still with us AMSH?

Just check in and let us know how you are doing :)

YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE (but you cant help it) if I thought you were reasonable I would tell you to stop being so fucking selfish and man up, go see the doctors. You are making a big fuss of nothing. The doctor is not going to judge, the pharmacist is not going to judge you, your husband is going to be fucking relieved that you are sorting yourself out, and your baby does not deserve to be shouted at. You are not capable of making yourself better with hope or willpower because you have a chemical imbalance that needs sorting out and can easily be sorted out when you go to the doctors, which you will have to do eventually. Do it now before your nerve fails you. If you find it hard to say the words write down exactly how you are feeling then just give it your doctor.

Exactly Woah!

I am worried this thread will give the illusion of support when in fact the OP needs RL support and help from the GP - MN is good for support after it's been addressed properly not instead of .

You need to go to the GP. BUT I fear that you will not do that until you hit rock bottom - which is clearly not yet. Do you want things to get worse before you ask for help?

My husband called the doctor to come out. I think he meant to tell me that he would never have called the doctors if it weren't for me screeching how ill do you want me to get before you call the fucking doctor, rather than he would just never call them. I don't really remember much of the conversation with the doctor but he's given me an AD prescription. My husband has gone to get it but he says he won't be back for a long time. The doctor didn't do the questionnaire. He said I was obviously seriously depressed but lucid- I must have a terrifically calm exterior to be called lucid at a time like this.

Tatty, I love your suggestion. If I was only a little less ill, I would've gone for that. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only person who decides they'll just a robot for the day.

I can't remember the name of the tablet. P-something. He said he was going to call my health visitor. I'll probably just ignore her though. I really can't handle her flowery baby led weaning head to one side collection of pine cones shoes off parlour of perfect mums

Thanks everybody. I got the strength for that screech at my husband to send for a fucking medic!!! because of all of you

Well done awfulmum (you're not)
I knew you would do it once you'd told us lot !

Notatallawfulorshitmum bloody bloody well done matey.

And especially for maintaining wit in the face of awful strain. GOOD LUCK.

Well done OP!!! I am so glad the doctor came to see you and you have a prescription. Please let us know when you have taken your first AD dose. You won't feel better for a couple of weeks so do keep talking to us for moral support. You have taken the first big step to your recovery.

Depression Alliance

MIND

Well done. I am very relieved for you. Please take the AD's properly and they will take a couple of weeks to kick in. The HV will be very sympathetic to you if you give her a chance.

OP, that's brilliant. Good for you!

Your DH will be home soon, you take that tablet right away. You will feel better through feeling empowered that YOU are doing something about this.

Don't worry about your DH. He can hold on that bit longer whilst these AD's kick in. Then you can talk to him when you're feeling better, more in control. I bet he'll come around soon though, when he's coming home to a happy wife more often than not. He's probably not angry at you though OP. He's probably angry at the situation. I bet he's thinking 'Why us? Haven't we suffered enough?' Because you have. This is the beginning of the end now of this horrible period of your life. When you're feeling stronger, you can get some counselling for your loss and some CBT to combat the anxiety and negative thoughts.

Sending all my prayers your way xx

I'm only going to take a quarter of one because I'm worried about the side effects. Fortnight in a bad balloon and all that.

I will definitely keep you all up to date. I might even get a new name this week who knows?

DONT TAKE A QUARTER you dafty. Take the whole one, it won't be a massive dose anyway. You will no doubt imagine side effects as you are anxious and stressed. IT WILL BE FINE.

I don't want to call you by the name you have given yourself - be nice to yourself and change it to something like I'mHavingAReallyHardTime. I wish I could give you a hug and let you know that there is an end to this. I had PND aftre DD was born and I felt so isolated and angry. Then I would look at my lovely baby/DS/DH/house and feel guilty about how lucky I was! You need to explain to a friend or family member what you are going through. Once you have come clean to someone you will be able (with their help perhaps?) to get medical help. There is light at the end of the tunnel just reach out and take that first, brave step. And be nice to yourself

Ok maybe a half. Definitely not a whole one. If they give me bad side effects, I might freak out and not take them again.

AMSH, i am very very happy that you have some AD's. Well done you (and you husband ) This is it now lovely, your first steps into a world that will be colourful again!

This will take a couple of weeks though to kick in properly so dont give in at the first hurdle. At the slightest hint of you losing any resolve at all, you get straight back on here and start talking. In fact I suggest you spend the next few weeks with mumsnet at an easy reach, keep talking to us lovely, we have all still got plenty more hand holding time left if you need it x

You need to take a whole one pet or they are not going to work.....take the dosage, they will not have started you on a strong dosage anyway.

you WILL have some side effects. I get side effects from caffeine but it doesnt stop me drinking it . They will be a bit weird but they won't last. You must take the whole dose or they may not work at all which would be a complete waste of your time and effort.

How's this name? It's still quite modest but I thought it had a nice ring to it.

Take a whole one. I did for the first time this morning - I picked mine up on Thurs and its taken me until now. Side effects will be minimal as you'll have been started on a small dose and nothing they can do to you could possibly be worse than how you are feeling.

They will work, they will help you feel better and you can do this. x

Agree to take the WHOLE DOSE THAT A MEDICAL EXPERT PRACITIONER HAS CAREFULLY ALLOCATED YOU and you will be allowed to remove the bumhead bit

seriously though. They do know what they're on about.

Better! Your Dr has prescribed you ADs at a particular dose for a reason and they usually start at one strength and build on it, i.e. what has been prescribed is a starting point. Follow his advice and take whatever has been prescribed. You will feel tired and a bit 'foggy' for about 5 days and then your body will get used to them. Be nice to yourself and follow your Dr's advice - it will help take some of the pressure away.

Well said (and done) babyheave!