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Antenatal/postnatal depression

Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

609 replies

awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:29

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

OP posts:

Original poster

awfulmumshithead · 28/09/2011 07:10

I've just had a look on the website for my surgery to see which doctor would be able to help. The one I spoke to yesterday specializes in CBT. WTAF? Is she bloody crazy? It's taken me eight months to call, why did she throw everything I say back in my face? Does she think I'm depressed because I'm not looking at it from the right fucking angle?

Oh I am just so mad! My husband is going to leave me this morning because she wanted to practice her bloody psycho babble on me!

OP posts:

misdee · 28/09/2011 07:11

speak to your husband. ask to see a different GP and get yourself sorted.

Original poster

awfulmumshithead · 28/09/2011 07:14

I can't ask him to stay and put up with me. He said this morning that he would never call the doctor for me.

OP posts:

misdee · 28/09/2011 07:15

then call yourself.

make yourself number 1.

get yourself better

be strong.

Witchofthenorth · 28/09/2011 07:20

Call the doctor lovely, you need to.
And stop all of this "they would be better without me" tosh, it's rubbish!
Your baby needs you, you are his mother, get yourself another GP and call them.

You have to get better, or you will always feel like this. Trust everyone on here when we say you are worthy and take that step.

pleasephone · 28/09/2011 07:25

You need help NOW. Today is going to be even harder as you are tired. Can you not see that all of us can't be wrong? If you have any ounce of love for your family then you need to seek help. Forget about how you look and get yourself to A&E. PLEASE. One day you'll look back and wish youd done it sooner. The alternative isn't worth thinking. You KNOW the pain of losing a mother, do you want your beautiful child to experience the same? I remember when i was suicidal, the thing that stuck in my head... Children of parents who commit suicide are more likely to commit it themselves. You do not want that option for your child. I remember it scared the hell out of me. You are strong enough to break this cycle. The fact that you know you need help is a glimmer of hope. Your husband is not going to leave, he just doesn't know what to do xx

Becaroooo · 28/09/2011 07:42

The phrases you are using
"they would be better of without me"
"they deserve better"
all show just how ill you are.

You are suicidal/havnig suicidal thoughts.

I dont know why your husband wont phone the GP for you Perhaps he, like a lot of others, feel that mental illness is something to be ashamed of???? If so then he is an arsehole of the highest order and you need to forget about his attitude for now and concentrate on YOU.

Go to A&E. Phone a cab and GO. Now.

Do you honestly think it matters how you look ????? They are health care professionals and they have seen much much worse, my love.

It doesnt have to be like this. It doesnt. Listen to the others on here who have been where you are (and worse) and come out the other side.

Depression takes all the joy and colour out of life. You can get it back again but you need to act.

You can do it. I believe in you.

xxxx

Original poster

awfulmumshithead · 28/09/2011 07:50

No whatever happens, I would never commit suicide. I may feel like it is the only way out for me and for everyone else around me who I am hurting and I know it would be a rest for me

But I remember seeing my mum lying dead in the funeral home. She was purple and gray. I remember the years of anguish I spent afterwards thinking about what it meant about me to have a parent who had killed themselves. I felt like I was worthless.

At least if i.m alive, even if it's in a horrible pit somewhere, we could still fix things.

And I remember holding my little dead baby. So beautiful. Soft and cold and smelling like almond. My poor tiny, tiny little baby.

No no more death for me.

OP posts:

Meteorite · 28/09/2011 07:51

Please pick up the phone and call the doctor. It's the only way you are going to feel better, and you WILL feel better.

Becaroooo · 28/09/2011 07:52

Not that you were saying last night, darling..............

I have to go now - school run - but I will be back!

Please please listen to the other posters!

hazeyjane · 28/09/2011 08:03

Talk to your dh.

Call a doctor - any doctor - tell them you are feeling as though you are in a pit of despair that you can't climb out of.

Find any friend that you feel may understand

Don't try to pretend that everything is fine - it isn't.

Today is the day - it will start to get better from here - if you act.

pleasephone · 28/09/2011 08:05

You may not be dead but you are not living, you're existing. Life can feel better than this. Think about all the wonderful things you want to do with your child. You need to function to do them. Sometimes as a parent we have to do what is best for our child and not necessarily what we want to do. Could you let us know what area you are in and we cant seek the right help for you. Remember GPs are human to, we all make mistakes. It doesn't mean you give up x

Witchofthenorth · 28/09/2011 08:06

Please lovely, my heart is just breaking for you, phone the doctor or go to the hospital.I only plead because i know that if you do in a few weeks you will look back and wish you had done this sooner. You owe this to yourself and your baby.....get back the woman that you were, please dont stay this one now because it isnt you.

Phone now!

TattyDevine · 28/09/2011 08:18

Phone the jeffing bloody doctor. Don't see the one that was crap. Call the receptionist, say you need to see any doctor but that - they can all help. They don't have to be a doctor extrodianaire, they just need to have a licence to practice medicine and the ability to write scripts!

Walk in. Say "I feel wrong and want you to screen me for depression"

Mine did a quiz thing, on a computer. You answer the questions honestly. They might ask you how long you felt this way etc and for some other details. Just get the words out. Tell them you want Anti D's if they don't offer. They should offer, but if they don't, tell them, I need something that will help me now. Tell them about your experience with Citrolapam (can't remember if that's what its called, you know what I mean)

The whole appointment could be over in 10 mins.

If you ring now and attend this morning you could be feeling better by this evening.

Do it - don't worry about which one you see, don't worry about the receptionist or what to say...just get into the room with the GP then worry about it. Seriously, you have other things to worry about really, don't you! Do it now.

BettyBum · 28/09/2011 08:19

Where abouts are you op? Pm me...

TattyDevine · 28/09/2011 08:20

If your brain tries to tell you not to phone or present obstacles just say "lalalala I'm not listening" and keep doing what you need to do to get into the room with the doctor as if you were a robot who was programmed to bust through obstacles leaving disaster in its wake in order to gain access to doctors offices. Just pretend for a bit.

valiumredhead · 28/09/2011 08:21

Morning!

What do you mean your dh said he would never ring the GP? He rang NHS Direct last night didn't he?

Come on OP, you need to direct your energy into sorting out some help, it's not fair on the baby or the rest of your family and least of all you.

BoffinMum · 28/09/2011 08:22

Seriously. You know you're unwell, that's step one. Step two is talking to the receptionist and finding out which GP is the most sympathetic regarding mental health problems. Then make an appointment and perhaps get someone to go with you. Discuss with the GP the possibility of using anti-depressants and counselling in tandem, which is supposed to be best practice. If there is a local NHS 'Managing anxiety' booklet to work through, get hold of one and read it, acting on the suggestions. Then comply with treatment, sit back, and after two weeks start to feel a bit happier and wonder why you didn't do this before.

Really, this is treatable and you don't have to feel so terrible. At the moment you are behaving as though your leg is broken but putting off treatment, which paradoxically is a symptom of you being ill with this very condition. You have a chemical imbalance in the brain which amounts to the same thing in terms of suffering, and it can be helped. Let everyone help you in RL as they are doing on here.

BoffinMum · 28/09/2011 08:24

If you're near me in Cambridge I am happy to help in RL xx

Witchofthenorth · 28/09/2011 08:28

I need to take kids to school now, please Op phone them and this weight will lift. I shall check back in soon :)

pleasephone · 28/09/2011 08:32

Also off to do the school run. Please OP x

Meteorite · 28/09/2011 08:37

OP if the doctor prescribes ADs today, you could start to feel better by mid-October. You don't need to push your recovery further into the future. Please make yourself an appointment :)

IsItMeOr · 28/09/2011 08:41

I'm SW London & could go with you to St Gs walk-in this afternoon.

Please take a print out of this thread with you when you go to get help and show it to every professional you see, so that they can see how you have been at a low point.

StillSquiffy · 28/09/2011 09:10

You really really need to see the doctor
If you wont do that, for whatever reason, and - if you are NOT breastfeeding and NOT on contraceptive pill, you could go to Boots and get St John Wort without a prescription. You need the high strength ones (min 400g) - they come under various brand names. You can probably buy them from a Boots website (if there is one).

The SJW are NOT IN ANY WAY the best solution for you - you really really need the guidance of a doctor to get what works best for you - but they will help immensely within 2 weeks if you decide for whatever reason that you cannot discuss this with anyone.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 28/09/2011 09:47

Dearest awfulMum

Some words of yours jumped out at me from your very moving post.

"Even if ..... we could still fix things"

HTH, Much love to you, and hugs

Who says they are un-MNey - I'm seeing them everywhere

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