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Antenatal/postnatal depression

Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

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Original poster

I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

609 replies

awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:29

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

OP posts:
BettyBum · 27/09/2011 22:16

This is not a child protection case.

The team is there to take care of you.

I wish you so much luck.

threeinmybed · 27/09/2011 22:17

They won't take your baby away. Honestly they won't.

I was so obsessed with routine, that nothing could disturb it, and if anything did I'd fly into a rage. I actually was so scared of upsetting DS in any way, that I stopped taking him for his jabs, because I was terrified of his cry.

I took him to get up to date for them this morning actually, and the nurse was a bit Hmm at me because he is a bit behind on them. I don't blame her. I am shocked at myself, how far I let it get.

misdee · 27/09/2011 22:18

i have to get ds upto date on his jabs. i have let so much slide over the summer.

they wont take your baby away. i still have my 5 toerags keeping me going.

threeinmybed · 27/09/2011 22:19

I've never told anyone that. But I look at it now, and realise that I thought that was acceptable. I was so ill, so terrified of a 5 month old baby that I was willing to bypass inoculations. Angry at myself. So fucking Angry

garlicnutty · 27/09/2011 22:22

I make alton towers look boring. - You might be stumbling along the edge, amsh, but your humour hasn't entirely deserted you Grin Good for you! It's a valuable weapon against the Black Dog. Which is what Winston Churchill used to call it - you know, our inspirational, cigar-smoking leader in WW2? He was a depressive. So were, and are, lots of other hugely important genuises. (I need to know this more than you, as your depression will go away with medication and DC growing up a bit, but it's still worth realising it's not the end of all that you were, are and can be!)

Thanks for your amazing post, Tatty :)

The doc you spoke to was a prat, amsh, no two ways about it. You deserve better and will get better. I still maintain it's best to call 999, as that way you'll be collected by nice people who will take care of you and DC, and you stand a better chance of getting plugged in to the best available help. If it's too hard to talk to anyone, print out your posts here. They say it all. You won't believe how much better you feel simply by being able to tell a 'grown up' what it feels like ... and knowing they've seen others in the same, and worse, predicaments. It's just an illness but, somehow, that sinks in better once you're talking to a professional.

Go for it - you're worth it, and so is your baby.

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 22:24

It's not done any harm though threeinabed. Don't feel bad. I did something worse. I left my baby alone in the house while I went to the corner shop. It was for the same reason. His cry was making me feel like I had a knife in my head. Thank god nothing happened to him but I'm furious with myself for doing something so neglectful

OP posts:
garlicnutty · 27/09/2011 22:24

three, that's not so much Angry as Sad you know? Self-compassion is the key. x

threeinmybed · 27/09/2011 22:30

I left my DS alone whilst he napped and went to Tesco. I would never do that, ever. I just wasn't rational at the time. I never hit him, but I came close many, many times. Sometimes it was all I could do to put him in a safe place and step outside for a moment.

Being alone, with that cry that feels like it's a claw on your chest. My stomach used to get that cold, sinking feeling.

It was just me and DH. We had no one to help. We had to work together to come up with an action plan, as well as mess etc. Like nursery twice a week to help me recover properly, starting work pt and nipping along to a few classes together. It helped us all.

threeinmybed · 27/09/2011 22:31

Thanks garlic xx

kwinmum · 27/09/2011 22:31

Am praying for you, remember so clearly 8 years on what it was like......... Hope you can find the courage to seek help, you have already shown your courage by posting, all the best.

TattyDevine · 27/09/2011 22:39

Now I'm "sorted" I find myself saying to my DH on the weekends, "okay, chill out then, no need to get stroppy" if one of the kids is playing up Grin I am now the serene, tolerant one. The other day he said "give me some of those fucking pills will you!"

Whereas at my worst he said to me "you are really hard to live with at the moment" to which I just replied "well don't fucking live here then!" Shock

Hmmm. Get help, for the sake of your marriage if nothing else!

MushroomMagee · 27/09/2011 22:40

Go to the doctor, even if you don't want to take anti-depressants (they might suggest them but you have the right to refuse) they can give you other advice of how to work through this.

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 22:44

Thank you. I dunno, I think it's shown that I'm a bit of a hysterical nobber but I'm a slightly better feeling nobber for starting it.

I've got to go to bed now unfortunately because I won't get much sleep tonight. I'm going to have to think about sleeping tablets as well

OP posts:
garlicnutty · 27/09/2011 22:48

:) g'night. x

perfumedlife · 27/09/2011 22:58

OP so glad you came back and sound ready to accept some help.

I think there must be many, many women stuggling with this illness and too afraid to reach out. I think if you could find the strength to open up to your mother in law, you may just find a wonderful friend there. She wants you to be the best mum in the world to her grandchild, she will only want to help if she is a nice woman like you say. Trust a little bit in your family. Sleep tight.x

IsItMeOr · 27/09/2011 23:26

Just caught up with this and couldn't not post. I'm so sorry you're having such an awful time.

You sound like you are doing amazingly well in the circumstances. Please ask your DH to help you get the help you need to get better.

Nobody will take your baby away because you have PND.

Can you say what area you're in so that somebody can help you find the mental health crisis team?

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 28/09/2011 05:37

I think my husband is going to leave me. I hope he is for his sake. Baby just woke up for nothing at five. He turned off the baby monitor and left me to deal with it. I end up shouting and pulling my hair out. I think he's packing some things now.

OP posts:
Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 28/09/2011 06:42

He came and borrowed my phone because he said his wasn't working. I saw the number he'd called and thought it might be someone to help. It turned out to be the number for his bank. He really is going to leave me

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 28/09/2011 06:43

You are ALL at the end of your tether. Think how much better it will all be once you've got help, and are on the road to recovery.
You've seen enough examples on this thread of others who've been in despair and it has worked out for them in the end.

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 28/09/2011 06:48

They'll both be much happier without me

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 28/09/2011 06:52

I'm sorry I'm not much good with words but that is bullshit. They would both miss you every single day for the rest of their lives.

jerryg · 28/09/2011 06:53

Put your arms around him and ask him to help you. He loves you. He will probably be relieved that there is something he can do. Ask him to ring the doctors this morning and take you there. Please, do it now...x

misdee · 28/09/2011 06:55

everytime i get depressed again i am convinced dh is going to leave me. i found a number once by his side of the bed. i called it. it was the top up number for his mobile phone BlushGrin

paranoia is a major issue for me with pnd, and anxiety. it destrpys me.

peggyblackett · 28/09/2011 06:59

Please, please phone the docs (and ask your DH for help).

No-one is going to take your baby away. My mum had very, very bad PND in the 70s, and nobody took me away from her, they're certainly not going to take a baby away in 2011.

Sending you lots of strength to make that call today. Everyone will understand I promise.

TherapeuticVino · 28/09/2011 07:09

Right, the time is really here.

TALK TO HIM

What other options do you have???