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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to babysit friend's kid

449 replies

Melmi256 · 02/09/2023 13:56

Im finally at a stage in life where my kids are slightly older and have regained a bit of freedom .. when they were younger we had no family support for childcare so just made sacrifices.

Now my hubby and I can start having date nights etc as children are older.

I have a friend with a young child who is same situation (no childcare) which my eldest child used to babysit for she enjoyed the extra money .. but now she works full time so is unable.

I’ve now been asked to babysit while they go to a 8/9 hour event ..obviously for free … I don’t particularly enjoy looking after their child. It’s a few weeks away so I don’t have plans … but I also think it’s now taken the opportunity away from me to make any plans ,I’m quite last minute I like to get to the weekend and see what I fancy doing.

i don’t want to do it and they don’t seem to realise me babysitting means I can’t actually enjoy my weekend ? They are probably thinking great and as it’s friend as won’t even need to pay now.

im swinging between saying I don’t want to do it (not sure how ?) as I’d quite like to make my owns plans … but I’m peeved to be asked as I’ve gone through years of not having childcare of my own and now I don’t need it I don’t want to look after anyone’s else kids !

maybe I’m being mean and it’s once but I feel if I do it … I’ll probably get asked more often.

I was uncomfortably put on the spot being asked and so kinda had to agree.

OP posts:
Dagnabit · 02/09/2023 15:13

9 hours?! Fuck that. I would tell them that you’ve been invited out by your children as your husband is busy so cannot do it. Or if you’re feeling generous, you could offer half the time so they can stay for 4 hours of the event. No one needs to be at an event for 9 hours!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/09/2023 15:14

Agree you could raise it with her now and say can she please find someone else as 9 hours is a long time and you wanted to be with your own children that day?

Can one of your DC's friends babysit. Mind you the child sounds like a handful and keeping them entertained for 9 hours is going to be a task indeed.
What plans has your friend made for anyone to keep them entertained? It would be different if it was after they were in bed.

if she really can't and you feel obliged as you've already said yes (half-heartedly or not anyone would take that as a yes). Then you need to say very clearly when you see her Please don't ever ask me to do it again. As I just don't want to babysit and will be saying no to any future requests.

GabriellaMontez · 02/09/2023 15:15

I would find a way to withdraw the offer. Asap. Several good suggestions above.

Canthave2manycats · 02/09/2023 15:16

I actually don't know why you can't just do it this once, especially as you have already agreed?

DH and I also had no childcare, and like you just had to suck it up.

Maybe you should mind child in their own house so any messes aren't your problem? I'd put the frighteners on the little brat at the first sign of any misbehaviour too. Clearly discipline is a foreign country!! Take some of your kids with you to help.

Ask friends to organise a takeaway aka order and pay for, so you don't have to feed child other than a snack. And instruct husband to ensure they go home ASAP.

Forewarned is forearmed though. You won't get caught out again!

CardboardDolphin · 02/09/2023 15:18

Just say no. Either just no or no my days looking after kids/babies are long gone, I've forgotten how to do it. Try sitters.com.

I've never ask a friend to babysit unless desperate and even then if they'd similar age kiss or offered in the past.

Maddy70 · 02/09/2023 15:20

If you've already said yes that makes ot trickier. Just say you can't now ad a group of your friends are getting together. Give them plenty of notice. And next time just be busy.

although I personally would do it for them I'd they don't have any other option. But I Wouldnt get into a regular thing

Flamingos89 · 02/09/2023 15:20

Absolutely in your rights to say no - and you should as it sounds like you really don’t want to do it which they might not realise

At the same time it is nice doing something nice for your friends now and again. Especially if they don’t ask you all the time. I absolutely would babysit my friends kids if they asked and it wasn’t a regular occurrence,

Depends how close you are and whether you want to help them out or not.

BeachHutCornwall · 02/09/2023 15:21

We don't know how badly this young Mum might need a break, if she never has anyone to babysit her child.

I have been in this situation - and the sheer blinding long nights of dark loneliness and lack of understanding from peers, zero help from so called friends and family and entire social connection as an adult, almost drove me to do something daft, it got me very depressed in a very dark place. I would sit and cry my eyes out when the kids were in bed

I do not think it is reasonable to back out now that you have agreed to it - in all honesty, it would come across as a total cop out.

Helping someone ONCE does not make you a doormat. It makes you a good person

It does not sound like it is a regular thing (correct me if I am wrong) - give this woman a break, you know what it is like not having childcare, yourself.

In future, if you don't want to do it, have an excuse ready - like think of one now, for next time.

You could say something like :- 'Oh i will have to check the household calender' - as I will have to check insert husbands name doesn't have anything planned.

Then if it is something you don't want to do, you can always have time to come up with what you want to say, and send it via text so it isn't so face to face. I do feel for you as im not the most assertive of people myself

I would do it this once , now id agreed to it - And babysit this kid at THEIR house

Shinyandnew1 · 02/09/2023 15:21

Melmi256 · 02/09/2023 15:09

@MichaelAndersen because they know I’m not keen …. Whenever they hint ah we need a sitter for this and that I never volunteer … Therefore surely that’s indirectly implying I don’t want to do it …. But was directly asked on this occasion and likely as they know my husband is going I couldn’t make up an excuse !

Why?

You could have easily made plans BECAUSE he was going out?

Sorry Cheeky couple, I shouldn’t have agreed to babysit shitbag child on September xth, you caught me on the hop. I’d already made plans with X that day because DH is out all day. That’ll teach me to agree to things without looking at the calendar!

Job done. You can look forward to a nice day to yourself and no kids will be trashing your house and shitting in your wardrobe.

Honestly, if you’re not prepared to send a text like that and would rather would put up with doing ten hours of childcare and having your house pulled apart, then you’ve only got yourself to blame.

Enjoy the day, however you choose to spend it.

truthhurts23 · 02/09/2023 15:22

if you still want to be her friend i would tell a white lie,
oh no x im so sorry something, i just realised im going to be away during that time, youre going to have to find someone else ..
and if she ever asks you to babysit again , just say no, really sorry i cant x
and then if shes a decent person she wont ask you again and find other arrangments
does she not have other friends she can ask

BeachHutCornwall · 02/09/2023 15:23

Melmi256 · 02/09/2023 14:17

@Crimblecrumble1990 yes they are good friends so I will do it this once.
I don’t want to because it’s a good 9 hours.
My husband is out that day so it would have been a nice opportunity to go out and spend the time doing something with my own children.
The child is extremely annoying , whiney and not well behaved, jumps on sofas, goes around picking things up in the house , decor items and bending and breaking things.

Defo babysit them at THEIR house

Message her now and say something like 'I will be babysitting at your house, as that is where all xxxx's toys/games are'

7eleven · 02/09/2023 15:23

Doesn’t sound like either of you are good friends to each other. She was cheeky to book it without arranging childcare, but you’re talking about her like she’s a distant sister in law you’ve always hated.

Don’t friends want to help each other?

I also don’t understand the “I didn’t have this or that, so nobody else should.” mindset. I’d have thought you’d want all the more the people you care about to feel the support you didn’t.

mangochops · 02/09/2023 15:23

See, this is the exact problem with people pleasing! You say yes because you feel you cant say no and then you end up feeling resentful because you dont want to really do it and then try to find excuses to let the person down at the last moment. Its far better and clearer for everyone to just say a blanket no upfront if you dont want to do something. You dont have to justify yourself or make up fake plans, just simply say "I cant babysit, my weekends are really precious to me and we usually have plans so I'm afraid I cant help". Thats it. You arent obliged to babysit for anyone but you do need to let them know rather than say yes and let them down later on. This is exactly why people pleasing is irritating because often, you end up letting them down anyway.

Glittertwins · 02/09/2023 15:25

I would have thought babysitting was more like 1-2 hours. A whole day is stretching it somewhat

BeachHutCornwall · 02/09/2023 15:25

7eleven · 02/09/2023 15:23

Doesn’t sound like either of you are good friends to each other. She was cheeky to book it without arranging childcare, but you’re talking about her like she’s a distant sister in law you’ve always hated.

Don’t friends want to help each other?

I also don’t understand the “I didn’t have this or that, so nobody else should.” mindset. I’d have thought you’d want all the more the people you care about to feel the support you didn’t.

I have to entirely agree with this last paragraph @7eleven

Like I said in my post above, we don't know how bad this Mum needs a break - and having been in that situation, I can imagine

BeachHutCornwall · 02/09/2023 15:26

Glittertwins · 02/09/2023 15:25

I would have thought babysitting was more like 1-2 hours. A whole day is stretching it somewhat

Unless someone is popping to the library, two hours is really not enough time for most events - a gig or a show - two hours would not even cut it, really

MolkosTeenageAngst · 02/09/2023 15:27

Do it at their house, if the child wants to jump on furniture and break stuff etc then let them, only intervene if the child is in danger. Lots of screen time. If you do a bad enough job and they come home to the house looking like a bombsight and an overstimulated child then they won’t ask you again!

Glittertwins · 02/09/2023 15:27

Fair enough, but 9 hours is rather a lot of time

Original poster
Melmi256 · 02/09/2023 15:27

@BeachHutCornwall absolutely not desperate for a break they have been out very regularly and had many adult friends babysit… don’t think they want to impose on them as been too frequently so trying to find a change of person to ask

OP posts:
BeachHutCornwall · 02/09/2023 15:29

Melmi256 · 02/09/2023 15:27

@BeachHutCornwall absolutely not desperate for a break they have been out very regularly and had many adult friends babysit… don’t think they want to impose on them as been too frequently so trying to find a change of person to ask

ahh I see

This is confusing as in post one you say 'I have a friend with a young child who is same situation (no childcare) '

So it has now changed?

LookItsMeAgain · 02/09/2023 15:29

TeeBee · 02/09/2023 14:19

'Dear Friend, what a numpty I am...I've just checked my calendar on the day that you wanted me to have DS and just realised that I'm already committed that day and I've had it booked in for months so can't pull out. so sorry, I should have checked first. Hope you can find someone else.'

Job done.

I got as far as this post and think this is perfectly acceptable to send.

CandlestickInTheLibrary · 02/09/2023 15:29

YANBU but I think you should do it now you've agreed.

But have a response prepared in case they ever ask again. Something simple that doesn't rely on having to make up future plans, like: "ah sorry, I'd really rather not commit at the moment. I've just got my freedom back after my kids and I'm trying to be more spontaneous these days, haha..."

ETA: Ok, I missed the part where it's 9 hours!! I can see why you want to get out! They're asking quite a lot of you here.

fluffypinkclouds · 02/09/2023 15:30

I would have thought babysitting was more like 1-2 hours. A whole day is stretching it somewhat

I agree. To me, a break would be helping out for like 1-3 hours, not an entire 9 hour day whereby my house would be wrecked by said child. Thats asking a bit too much in my eyes. I had no family help at all when my kids were little but I wouldnt have expected my friends to watch them for 9 hours when I knew they'd be tearing up their house.

Original poster
Melmi256 · 02/09/2023 15:30

@7eleven we are good friends …. I’d do many thing for her im probably going to do this anyway.
maybe you missed the bit where the child shat themselves and the hid it in a wardrobe for it to be discovered days later - I don’t want to look after a kid like they and I think 9 hours is too long !

OP posts:
PralinesandCream · 02/09/2023 15:32

For the future, whenever anyone makes a similar request, say that you’ll get back to them. That gives you a little time to think about whether you really want to do it or not. If not, a simple, sorry I can’t suffices. For now: 9 hours with a child who doesn’t behalve and for parents who choose to book an event without childcare? I’d pass, if need be with a white lie.