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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to babysit friend's kid

449 replies

Melmi256 · 02/09/2023 13:56

Im finally at a stage in life where my kids are slightly older and have regained a bit of freedom .. when they were younger we had no family support for childcare so just made sacrifices.

Now my hubby and I can start having date nights etc as children are older.

I have a friend with a young child who is same situation (no childcare) which my eldest child used to babysit for she enjoyed the extra money .. but now she works full time so is unable.

I’ve now been asked to babysit while they go to a 8/9 hour event ..obviously for free … I don’t particularly enjoy looking after their child. It’s a few weeks away so I don’t have plans … but I also think it’s now taken the opportunity away from me to make any plans ,I’m quite last minute I like to get to the weekend and see what I fancy doing.

i don’t want to do it and they don’t seem to realise me babysitting means I can’t actually enjoy my weekend ? They are probably thinking great and as it’s friend as won’t even need to pay now.

im swinging between saying I don’t want to do it (not sure how ?) as I’d quite like to make my owns plans … but I’m peeved to be asked as I’ve gone through years of not having childcare of my own and now I don’t need it I don’t want to look after anyone’s else kids !

maybe I’m being mean and it’s once but I feel if I do it … I’ll probably get asked more often.

I was uncomfortably put on the spot being asked and so kinda had to agree.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 02/09/2023 14:49

You've already said yes and it's getting closer, they may not be able to get anyone else. It's a one off event, I'd do it.
It won't be the end of the world that you can't make spur of the moment plans.

BlackFlyChardonnay · 02/09/2023 14:50

You've already said yes, so it would ve unreasonable to back out now. I think you have to suck it up.

However, I agree her original request was a piss take. 9 hours is excessive. I hope she was very grateful and aware it was a big ask? I hope she at least gets you a bottle of wine, seeing as she's saving herself babysitter fees.

You need to prepare yourself for future requests, because this will signpost to her that you're more than happy to babysit for free for whole days.

If I were you, next time she asks, I'd say "sorry, no. Last time was a one off to help you out now dd can't babysit."

icelollycraving · 02/09/2023 14:51

Could your dc who used to babysit do it if it’s a weekend (if they are around?) that way at least they need to pay for the 9 hours. If not, I think it would be a bit off to cancel now but I would say in passing that you’ll go it st their house and this is a one off.
They were s bit cheeky to book it with no childcare.

Ellie1015 · 02/09/2023 14:51

I think it is right to do it this time as you have agreed but definitely have a planned response for next time if you struggle saying no.

They used to pay your dd so they are used to that cost of a night out they just need to find a new babysitter.

Whyohwhywyoming · 02/09/2023 14:52

Whodidntit · 02/09/2023 14:39

God, I hate all this ‘I never had help so therefore everyone else should struggle too’ nonsense. How pathetic. If you really think that way about someone in your social circle then you’re certainly not a friend of theirs.

Also, saying things like you don’t like the child is also ridiculous. They’re a child for Heaven’s sake. What self-respecting adult says that?! Of course kids can be, and often are annoying, but to say you don’t like them is petty AF. Grow up.

That said, I would hate for someone who had such disdain for my child to be solely responsible for them so, to that end, I’d say to fess up sooner than later that you don’t want to it. Not because you deserve not to have your precious time encroached upon, but because their child deserves a better caretaker in the absence of his or her parents.

Yes! I rarely had help as a single parent when mine were little and now I am pleased when I can help others - ok if someone is taking the piss that’s different but in general
if it’s a friend, why would you not want to help?!

MeAgainPeeps · 02/09/2023 14:52

I'd do it this time because you dort of agreed. In future have some stock responses ready.
I'll have to check my diary.
I'm busy with a personal appointment.
I'm unable to commit to that.

AnneAnon · 02/09/2023 14:52

spent my life being a people pleaser and it’s got me nowhere tbh. Especially with that lot.

Smartiepants79 · 02/09/2023 14:54

I think you should do it this time as you have already said yes and you’re really letting down a friend.
But you have to come up with an answer for the next time she asks. It’s fine to say no but you shouldn’t back out now.

mrscatwoman · 02/09/2023 14:54

YANBU

Original poster
Melmi256 · 02/09/2023 14:55

@icelollycraving no my dc cannot help unfortunately:(

OP posts:
TheRealLilyMunster · 02/09/2023 14:55

Text her ASAP saying sorry but I've just checked my diary and remembered I have plans for that weekend, so won't be able to babysit.

Next time she asks you will be prepared 😉

Beautiful3 · 02/09/2023 14:56

I'd book something now then message her saying, "I'm really sorry I can't babysit as it conflicts with x." I'd find a recommended babysitter and send on her details. Next time you're put on the spot again just say, "maybe, I'll have to double check that date and let you know. " Then arrange to go somewhere.

MichaelAndersen · 02/09/2023 14:58

I don’t get why you have written at least twice that your friend put you on the spot. It sounds like your friend just asked you. Being put on the spot would include something like “our babysitter cancelled and we don’t know anyone else who could possibly do it, you are truly our last option.” Did they say anything like that? Or did they just ask? You sound like you are blaming your friend for doing nothing inconsiderate. I recommend stopping that because it’s just creating animosity toward your friend over nothing.
You have nothing else going on that day, you ARE free to babysit, so stop creating problems where there are none. Watch the kids and next time they ask you now have the plan to decline. You are creating more problems than actually exist here.

frazzledasarock · 02/09/2023 14:58

You know if you don’t say no. You’re always going to be taken advantage of.

it’s up to you to take charge of your life.

DrDaedalus · 02/09/2023 14:59

I'm in the same position as you. I like seeing my friends and our siblings DC. There is no way I would commit to 9 hours at the weekend.

You made sacrifices, you don't have to make them for someone else. You and your children will lose out if you do this. You and yours are more important than your friends social.life.

I would not babysit on this circumstance. I might do a few hours at their house. They would need to find another mug for the other six.

One couple had form for taking the piss. I am assertive and sat down with one of them when they came over for coffee. I summarised what you said in your first post. I am at a different phase in life and happy not to have childcare issues anymore. I am not available for regular childcare or babysitting. Not making plans is my plan.

We had absolutely no help with DC. Choices were:
Go with DC
One of us go
No-one went
Pay for support. We were maxed out paying for nursery fees or wrap around care, babysitting was not in our budget. Not that we had anyone to ask anyway.

Original poster
Melmi256 · 02/09/2023 15:00

@Whodidntit when did I say they had to struggle …. They can find the help of a local paid teen babysitter which there are many in our area but they don’t like that option.
also this child once shat themselves at someone house and hid it in a wardrobe…….

OP posts:
Flossflower · 02/09/2023 15:01

Sometimeswinning · 02/09/2023 14:04

I was uncomfortably put on the spot being asked and so kinda had to agree.

As in they asked you and you said yes?

My dh always tells me to do the oh let me check my calendar because I'm always a yes and regret it type person.

Yes my husbands step mother is very lovely. I think people think she will always do things for them because she is so nice. She always tells people ‘ let me think about it and I will get back to you’. This saves her being put on the spot.

MeAgainPeeps · 02/09/2023 15:04

Melmi256 · 02/09/2023 15:00

@Whodidntit when did I say they had to struggle …. They can find the help of a local paid teen babysitter which there are many in our area but they don’t like that option.
also this child once shat themselves at someone house and hid it in a wardrobe…….

😆🤢😆

ETA: SHIT HAPPENS

waterrat · 02/09/2023 15:05

Op you need to learn about assertiveness.

Your friend was not doing anything wrong in asking. Although I agree personally not something I would ask a friend unless they had kids the same age.

But you need to clear this up once and for all or the rage and irritation will spoil your friendship.

Email her TODAY so she has time to book a sitter.

Be honest but not rude. Apologise for sayinf yes and then reflecting on it and realizing you dont WANT to do it (dont lie and say you cant)

Say look my years of spendinf all day with little ones are behind me and I just dont want to and wouldnt enjoy it. Im feeling stressed thinking abiut it as im just not up for that anymore now mine are older.

Then apologise and she can find someone else

Fwiw there is absolutely no way I would do this unless it was a friend of my own child

Surely she should find someone with similar age kids and do a swap type favour

Vijia · 02/09/2023 15:07

Just back out now saying sorry, you haven't been feeling that well lately and you are sad for let them down but you just don't feel up to it and you don't want to let them down last minute. They will be understanding if you say it like that.

HowToSaveAWife · 02/09/2023 15:07

Just say "oh my god friend I'd totally forgotten I'd agreed to go out with (another friend/cousin/faith leader/great aunt/neighbours cat's sister) as DH is out too! So sorry, I just completely didn't put it together till now. Hope you can find someone else!"

Absolutely not Op, just back out! Don't be that doormat!

Original poster
Melmi256 · 02/09/2023 15:09

@MichaelAndersen because they know I’m not keen …. Whenever they hint ah we need a sitter for this and that I never volunteer … Therefore surely that’s indirectly implying I don’t want to do it …. But was directly asked on this occasion and likely as they know my husband is going I couldn’t make up an excuse !

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 02/09/2023 15:10

I think asking for 9hrs of babysitting what sounds like a really difficult child and not paying for it is really rude.
I would tell her today that after thinking about it you just don't want to do it and that you've decided to not do any babysitting for anyone unless it's a true emergency.

Snazzysausage · 02/09/2023 15:10

I really don't get why you can't just text saying
"look,this has been playing on my mind all week,I'm not going to be able to look after little Billy on xxx, I'd already got tentative plans for that day while Fred's out at the charity do.Sorry you caught me on the hop when you asked."
Job's a good un,you're free and you'll feel much better for being more assertive.

Greengrassohla · 02/09/2023 15:11

Snazzysausage · 02/09/2023 15:10

I really don't get why you can't just text saying
"look,this has been playing on my mind all week,I'm not going to be able to look after little Billy on xxx, I'd already got tentative plans for that day while Fred's out at the charity do.Sorry you caught me on the hop when you asked."
Job's a good un,you're free and you'll feel much better for being more assertive.

This is a good message