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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to babysit friend's kid

449 replies

Melmi256 · 02/09/2023 13:56

Im finally at a stage in life where my kids are slightly older and have regained a bit of freedom .. when they were younger we had no family support for childcare so just made sacrifices.

Now my hubby and I can start having date nights etc as children are older.

I have a friend with a young child who is same situation (no childcare) which my eldest child used to babysit for she enjoyed the extra money .. but now she works full time so is unable.

I’ve now been asked to babysit while they go to a 8/9 hour event ..obviously for free … I don’t particularly enjoy looking after their child. It’s a few weeks away so I don’t have plans … but I also think it’s now taken the opportunity away from me to make any plans ,I’m quite last minute I like to get to the weekend and see what I fancy doing.

i don’t want to do it and they don’t seem to realise me babysitting means I can’t actually enjoy my weekend ? They are probably thinking great and as it’s friend as won’t even need to pay now.

im swinging between saying I don’t want to do it (not sure how ?) as I’d quite like to make my owns plans … but I’m peeved to be asked as I’ve gone through years of not having childcare of my own and now I don’t need it I don’t want to look after anyone’s else kids !

maybe I’m being mean and it’s once but I feel if I do it … I’ll probably get asked more often.

I was uncomfortably put on the spot being asked and so kinda had to agree.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 02/09/2023 14:30

Could you ask your DD to do the evening or part of it to break it up ? Then ask the couple to pay her at her previous rate.

WendyHoused · 02/09/2023 14:30

It's a bit late after a week, but if you really can't be doing with the child, bite the bullet and tell them now.

"I thought it would probably be ok but I'm afraid I can't."

You say your older child works full time - does that include weekends? Would s/he be happy to do a Saturday babysitting for extra cash? 9 hours of babysitting is a good earner.

AnneAnon · 02/09/2023 14:31

Totally get it. My kids are older now. No one in my family gave a shit that we never got to go out, never helped out chasing toddlers etc. Of course now they’re all chasing toddlers around and look at me like I’m the devil because I’m sitting drinking tea and don’t rush to help out 🤷🏻‍♀️

beetr00 · 02/09/2023 14:31

@Melmi256 i don’t want to do it

this is all that needs to be said?

Original poster
Melmi256 · 02/09/2023 14:31

@determinedtomakethiswork I think this is what irks me … I didn’t have childcare we just made do, either went out separately or only went to events with kids allowed , I can count on my hand the amount of times I had a sitter, like a child free wedding or anniversary.
So I’ve been there too which Is why I’m maybe I should have more understanding and just do it to be a good friend ! But also I just don’t want to.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 02/09/2023 14:31

Melmi256 · 02/09/2023 14:17

@Crimblecrumble1990 yes they are good friends so I will do it this once.
I don’t want to because it’s a good 9 hours.
My husband is out that day so it would have been a nice opportunity to go out and spend the time doing something with my own children.
The child is extremely annoying , whiney and not well behaved, jumps on sofas, goes around picking things up in the house , decor items and bending and breaking things.

If you do decide to look after the child, then do it in their house not yours, so if child does get annoying and breaks things, it's not your stuff. Plus the child will have their own things to occupy them and also you can go round at the agreed time, and no chance of them trying to drop the child off even earlier.

I too am like you, but I have a phrase that I always use now. I say "oh, the 27th? - that date is ringing bells but I don't know why. I think I had better say no, I can't help. But message me later and I can check the calendar". 9 times out of 10 they don't message me later, but if they do, then I have had time to make something up!

AnneAnon · 02/09/2023 14:32

beetr00 · 02/09/2023 14:31

@Melmi256 i don’t want to do it

this is all that needs to be said?

Oh come on, you know this is not realistic

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/09/2023 14:33

There is an agency called Sitters that she could use. I really think you shouldn't do it. I think you should stand up for yourself here. Why should you be looking after her whiny child for 9 hours while she's having a drink all dressed up?

Also, don't forget when she gets home you're going to tell her that everything was fine and she will think she can use you again. Eventually you will have to tell her so you might as well do it now. Eight or nine hours. It's just ridiculous.

Pushmepullu · 02/09/2023 14:33

If you’re going to do it say that’ll be better in their house as their brat child will be surrounded by their own things and be much happier. Any breakages are then their problem.

Oysterbabe · 02/09/2023 14:34

HermioneWeasley · 02/09/2023 14:02

Well you’ve said yes. How long ago did you commit and will they have committed to this event now?

it’s not unreasonable to say no, but it’s a bit unreasonable to agree and then back out

I agree with this.

Pleaseme · 02/09/2023 14:37

Can you perhaps go to hers for the day so irritating child bounces on her sofas etc. Tell her you won’t charge her but if she leaves money for a cinema visit in afternoon and a takeaway.

If it’s not free she may not ask again!

Whodidntit · 02/09/2023 14:39

God, I hate all this ‘I never had help so therefore everyone else should struggle too’ nonsense. How pathetic. If you really think that way about someone in your social circle then you’re certainly not a friend of theirs.

Also, saying things like you don’t like the child is also ridiculous. They’re a child for Heaven’s sake. What self-respecting adult says that?! Of course kids can be, and often are annoying, but to say you don’t like them is petty AF. Grow up.

That said, I would hate for someone who had such disdain for my child to be solely responsible for them so, to that end, I’d say to fess up sooner than later that you don’t want to it. Not because you deserve not to have your precious time encroached upon, but because their child deserves a better caretaker in the absence of his or her parents.

Original poster
Melmi256 · 02/09/2023 14:39

@AnneAnon haha karma !

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/09/2023 14:39

Just get in touch and say 9 hours is too long but you can do the last 4 hours at their house. Let him wreck their joint not yours.

SpamFrittersYouSay · 02/09/2023 14:41

I'd be inclined to say/text
'I know I said that I might be free to babysit on x day but , as OH is attending the event all day as well, I've decided that I'd take the opportunity to take the children out to visit parent/grandparent/silibling etc... Hope you sort something else out.'

SunRainStorm · 02/09/2023 14:41

Could your daughter ask one of her friends? Then you can present it to them as a solution.

'Good news, DD's lovely friend is free to babysit. She charges £x per hour. I'll put you in touch. Just as well, my childcare days are behind me.'

kirbykirby · 02/09/2023 14:41

Why not say you will do it but at their home and then the child can run riot there?

HappyasLarrynot · 02/09/2023 14:41

Honestly? I’d just tell them you’re really sorry but something has come up which means that you can’t now babysit. Don’t offer anything other than that. Or develop a sickness bug the night before, or a migraine.

chopc · 02/09/2023 14:41

A good reason would be that as your DH is also away, you wanted to make the most of having time to yourself

Folklore9074 · 02/09/2023 14:42

It's fine to say no, but a shitty to say yes and then back out. Let this be a lesson OP, say what you mean and mean what you say.

To make life easier for you I would tell them that you need to look after the child at their house so that its their mess/food/resources etc. You'll need to take them out if its 9 hours so get some funds from them for that and have a plan that will burn off a lot of the child's energy.

HappyasLarrynot · 02/09/2023 14:43

And if you do end up doing it absolutely tell them that it is at their house and not yours.

BathingBeauty · 02/09/2023 14:44

I’ve never had any decent childcare. We’ve never had a night away together from DD.
I had a friend who constantly bitched and moaned at me about not being able to go away for the weekend with her DH whilst giving me heavy hints about taking her two.
The thing is she did get away with him, she already had a few childless friends who did it, it just wasn’t enough.
When it was clear I wasn’t up for it she dumped me as a friend. I should point out her children are extremely badly behaved and hard work. She wouldn’t even look after DD for me once when I had a real emergency. I think people have brass balls.

Flakey99 · 02/09/2023 14:46

Use this as a learning opportunity and text them to say “I thought I could do it but I’ve now realised I’m unable to babysit on X date.”

Just because your friend has a problem, doesn’t make it your job to solve it for them! Use your new free time to read some books on assertiveness and use your family members to have practice conversations with. You can definitely learn assertiveness skills, just like learning to cook or drive a car.

WhatFlavourIsIt · 02/09/2023 14:47

If you don't want to do it, then tell them today so they can make other plans and learn to say no right off the bat in future. Either that or suck it up and help a friend out for one day. You can still do something fun & and meet up with your own kids. Just take their kid along. It's only 1 day.

Whyohwhywyoming · 02/09/2023 14:49

Why is MN just full of threads from
people trying to avoid doing anything for, or with, their supposed friends?!??