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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to babysit friend's kid

449 replies

Melmi256 · 02/09/2023 13:56

Im finally at a stage in life where my kids are slightly older and have regained a bit of freedom .. when they were younger we had no family support for childcare so just made sacrifices.

Now my hubby and I can start having date nights etc as children are older.

I have a friend with a young child who is same situation (no childcare) which my eldest child used to babysit for she enjoyed the extra money .. but now she works full time so is unable.

I’ve now been asked to babysit while they go to a 8/9 hour event ..obviously for free … I don’t particularly enjoy looking after their child. It’s a few weeks away so I don’t have plans … but I also think it’s now taken the opportunity away from me to make any plans ,I’m quite last minute I like to get to the weekend and see what I fancy doing.

i don’t want to do it and they don’t seem to realise me babysitting means I can’t actually enjoy my weekend ? They are probably thinking great and as it’s friend as won’t even need to pay now.

im swinging between saying I don’t want to do it (not sure how ?) as I’d quite like to make my owns plans … but I’m peeved to be asked as I’ve gone through years of not having childcare of my own and now I don’t need it I don’t want to look after anyone’s else kids !

maybe I’m being mean and it’s once but I feel if I do it … I’ll probably get asked more often.

I was uncomfortably put on the spot being asked and so kinda had to agree.

OP posts:
Shudahaddogs · 03/09/2023 22:18

Now that I have been on MN a while I know..no..is a complete sentence. Its acually worked! People make other plans.. its true!

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 03/09/2023 22:21

@Melmi256 aaaah okay, that makes sense. I’d read it as though they don’t have any childcare options/ don’t get to have child free time. Your response makes a lot more sense in that context

billy1966 · 03/09/2023 22:24

There is one thing about help a friend in an emergency.

Another if their child fitted in with yours for the 9 hours.

BUT on your child free day, after a week a work, take your friends child onntheir own for 9 hours while they do their hobby and a night out?

Nope.

Certainly not for the type of CF the OP describes whom has already had lots of favours.

OP needs to back away.

Her fridnd thinks shes a mug amd is treating her as one.

Only a real CF would query her No.

She has zero respect for the OP.

Gwenvamp · 03/09/2023 23:11

I work in childcare & take the summer off to spend with my children, people seem to assume that I would be delighted to watch their children. It's a no. I find it hard to say no but I do because it's my time to relax! 8/9 hours is a loooong time! Esp for nothing. Sorry would be a definite no from me.

pollymere · 03/09/2023 23:22

I covered a babysitting gig my child couldn't make. I had no intention of being paid but my friend insisted to the point of shoving the money in my bag!

I think expecting £50-70 worth of childcare free isn't on. I would be charging whatever your child did. I do have friends I'd cover for free but those are the ones who've had mine overnight!

Gothambutnotahamster · 03/09/2023 23:25

Well done on saying no. I wouldn't reply to that message. Just leave it now and then in a few days (or whenever) message about whatever random things you'd normally message about.

Be prepared for her to ask you again closer to the time as doubt she'll find anyone as its a huge ask! Keep saying no!

Original poster
Melmi256 · 03/09/2023 23:26

@DVL ive already explained previously this is not the case - they are not desperate for a break and have been out at least 5 times over the summer, all with babysitting by friends … I’m just next on the list

OP posts:
Original poster
Melmi256 · 03/09/2023 23:33

@WeeMary why fair weather? You don’t know what else I do for them/would be willing to do ?
I have also babysat before quite a few times and really do not enjoy this child’s company , literally walks around looking for items to pick up and fiddle with and break.
doesn’t wash hands, just goes into my cupboards getting food , jumps on sofa - it actually gives me anxiety.
and has previously done a shit at someone’s house and then hid it in a wardrobe … yes that’s right so I’m not sure why this is pathetic. I’ll suggest you to look after him shall I

OP posts:
Ivymom · 04/09/2023 01:04

OP,

For the future, telling someone you have plans, even if you aren’t planning to go out, isn’t lying. You can be planning to sit on the couch and binge watch Netflix. Those are your plans and are just important as their planned outings.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/09/2023 01:42

Ivymom · 04/09/2023 01:04

OP,

For the future, telling someone you have plans, even if you aren’t planning to go out, isn’t lying. You can be planning to sit on the couch and binge watch Netflix. Those are your plans and are just important as their planned outings.

Agree.

It's silly to lie. They don't need to approve of your reasoning.

Codlingmoths · 04/09/2023 02:56

Hahaa that’s where you reply oh ok I thought you’d already committed ages ago.

Lolabugs · 04/09/2023 03:01

Meh. I can not stress enough that my emphasis is not on childcare, but helping friends when possible with everything. Again depends on the friendship I have mum friends, uni friends, work friends etc. In some of these friendship groups my friends may never see my kids. In some of them my kids are very part of the friendship.

It’s great that your friends understand and you’ve made that clear. This is how friendships should work. They’re maybe things that your friends won’t do for you too. However, for myself as a one off I would happily babysit for 9 hours. To agree and then back out really isn’t fair either.

my group of friends must just be a bit different!

MixedCouple · 04/09/2023 03:06

I 100% agree with you. I made the mistake of looking about other peoples kids (I got married later in life) and being super helpful. Now I have kids no one helps. If i could go back and undo it I would.

I would just say No. Emergencies and important things maybe Yes but fun things No. She can ask the grandparents or uncles/aunts instead.

As you said if you say Yes now she will 100% expect it again.

We actually had a friend (husband & wife) who are more mature stop contact with us once they found out I was pregnant with LO. And I racked my brain as two why and eventually put 2 and 2 together.
We would never ask for them to babysit anyway as me and DH do not Trust anyone with our kids.
And no not peculation the truth came out when my very honest Mother confronted said friend in a beat around the bush way, and she couldn't back out of it. I knew it but had it confirmed.
I keep said friend at arms length now without guilt.

I understand they looked after their kids with no support and their grandkids so they want to enjoy their free time now after all those years. But how they did it was horrid.

T1Dmama · 04/09/2023 03:27

Glad you said no…. Nothing worse than babysitting duties!
I have my own DD and thankfully have only been asked to babysit friends kids a few times…. And I hate it!!
I’ve got into the habit now of answering questions carefully…..

  1. Can you do me a favour?….. my response is always depends what it is!
  2. Can you look after my kids/dog etc on XYZ? I’ll let you know on Friday when I’ve checked my calendar/work rota/commitments etc! I always find it easier to text someone and let them down rather than them guilt trip me face to face!
On the occasions when I have babysat it’s never been at my house, always at theirs so kids can be put to bed, eat their own snacks etc! Make a mess in their own house!! If she jokes again and says ‘don’t all jump at once’ … I would either stay quiet or light heartedly say ‘count me out, I’ve done my days of raising my own kids, my days off are my time for me time now before I have to do it all again with grandkids!’ And just laugh ! If she doesn’t get the hint and stop asking after that then just keep saying sorry but I’m shattered lately and value my R&R!
aloris · 04/09/2023 05:08

Ah yes, the "Can you do me a favor" people. You think they mean, "Can you get me another beer from the refrigerator," when what they really mean is: "can you give me your life savings for my trip to Las Vegas." Then they try to act like when you said, "Yeah, what?" You meant, "Yes, I can totally give you my life savings for your trip to Las Vegas!" when what you meant was, "I can certainly get you another beer since I'm going to the refrigerator."

Cannot stand people who try to trick me into being used by them.

captainmarvella · 04/09/2023 06:09

retirementrocks · 03/09/2023 22:12

You've agreed to do it.

So? Does that mean that it is a sentence and OP has to suffer through 9 hours babysitting difficult kids? One is allowed to say no, you know. This is a free world, and people can say no.

OP didn't agree to do it, by the way - she said she "might* be able to do it, which her CF friends took as blanket consent. But regardless of that, OP has every right to say no, if she doesn't want to do it, at any point of time.

captainmarvella · 04/09/2023 06:11

Melmi256 · 03/09/2023 23:33

@WeeMary why fair weather? You don’t know what else I do for them/would be willing to do ?
I have also babysat before quite a few times and really do not enjoy this child’s company , literally walks around looking for items to pick up and fiddle with and break.
doesn’t wash hands, just goes into my cupboards getting food , jumps on sofa - it actually gives me anxiety.
and has previously done a shit at someone’s house and then hid it in a wardrobe … yes that’s right so I’m not sure why this is pathetic. I’ll suggest you to look after him shall I

OP, don't bother about the wave of posters now who will try to make you feel bad about doing what you want, now that you have decided not to babysit. Ignore them.

You are doing the right thing, no one should be manipulated into performing a free service for others. If your CF friends need a babysitter they can call a relative or pay someone to do it. There is still lot of time for that evening.

billy1966 · 04/09/2023 06:27

You have made the right decision OP.

Hopefully you will have learnt from this.

Either No or I will get back to you about that and text No later.

Just keep practicing No.

Elmo27 · 04/09/2023 06:45

Obviously it’s completely your choice and your prerogative but honestly I find most of the replies on here a little odd. I know it’s a long time and the kid is annoying but it sounds like this is one of your close friends? And it’s one day? You have every other weekend to make plans. It would be different if they were asking for a recurring thing all the time but as a one off? It sounds like you are bitter that you didn’t have childcare when your kids were young so why should she? If it was me and this is genuinely a good friend I’d maybe just do a nice thing for them. Obviously if you aren’t that close or they’re not a great friend to you it’s different.

billy1966 · 04/09/2023 06:58

The thing is I think the OP has helped this friends out before, as do her other friends.

But a full day looking after a difficult child after a weeks work so her friend can have a hobby day and evening is too much for the OP and she simply doesn't want to.

It's ok for women to say a simply No to things, for no other reason that they just don't want to.

I get this, but I read on here that a lot of women struggle with the concept.

Some people ask favours very easily.

I cannot imagine asking anyone to mind my child so I could go on a hobby day and therefore I would have zero difficulty in saying No to it, particularly if my children were older, as they in fact are.

An emergency definitely yes, but a hobby day and I get lumped with a difficult child? Absolutely not.

Thankfully I don't have CF friends though who would ask this of me.

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/09/2023 07:15

You should have said no there and then.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/09/2023 07:27

Elmo27 · 04/09/2023 06:45

Obviously it’s completely your choice and your prerogative but honestly I find most of the replies on here a little odd. I know it’s a long time and the kid is annoying but it sounds like this is one of your close friends? And it’s one day? You have every other weekend to make plans. It would be different if they were asking for a recurring thing all the time but as a one off? It sounds like you are bitter that you didn’t have childcare when your kids were young so why should she? If it was me and this is genuinely a good friend I’d maybe just do a nice thing for them. Obviously if you aren’t that close or they’re not a great friend to you it’s different.

Come on.

She says there are many teens willing to sit for pay. Why should she give up half her weekend?

There's nothing "bitter"
about wanting to enjoy one's leisure time.

Elmo27 · 04/09/2023 07:52

I get it. And after reading a few more of OP’s posts the kid does sound like a nightmare to be fair. I understand the “why should she” sentiment but also if it was a good friend I wouldn’t mind helping them out once in a while if I didn’t have any prior plans. I have looked after my friends baby several times for the whole day whilst she has gone out, despite never having any childcare myself when my DS was that age, but she’s a good friend and has helped me out in other ways lots over the years. If this person is a piss taker or a shit mate in general I get more why you’d be inclined not to help. Also I’m not sure I’d be comfortable with some random teenager looking after my small child. Just my opinion.

user1492757084 · 04/09/2023 08:05

You'll have to agree to this one but for next time ..
"Oh no, I don't think so, I'm sure I have something on that day. What's the date again?... No, sorry."

To help you feel better about this child care job, you could plan for the child and you to go on an adventure that you'd enjoy.
Ask the parents to provide a backback, snacks etc for the rambing day you had planned.
Ask parents to pack entrance fee, a stroller and snacks etc for you to visit a stately home or the Zoo or a museum.
Ask the child to help you with all your Christmas baking.
Help the parents understand that you had plans.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/09/2023 08:25

Ivymom · 04/09/2023 01:04

OP,

For the future, telling someone you have plans, even if you aren’t planning to go out, isn’t lying. You can be planning to sit on the couch and binge watch Netflix. Those are your plans and are just important as their planned outings.

I 100% agree with this.

Why on earth did you feel it was better to create a lie, one that could be found out if she put a bit of effort into it instead of just saying that you have your own plans and that you're not available????

You have to create another lie and another and another to cover your tracks if you do what you did. As @Ivymom suggested, if you plans were simply to watch the box set of Greys Anatomy or whatever, then they are your plans and they are no less important to her plans to go out.

Can I suggest that next time you're asked, you simply reply "Oh, I'll have to get back to you on that. I can't confirm anything yet."