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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by my parents always expecting dinner?

403 replies

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 10:20

Quite often, especially of a weekend, my parents will come over about 3/4pm (at their suggestion and we are often out before that with the kids anyway and don’t often get in til about 4 on a weekend) It gets to 5/6pm and I start dinner, I obviously always feel like I have to feed them and if I have enough then I don’t mind and do so.

They came over at 5pm yesterday as there was evening entertainment that started at 7 in our village for the coronation that they said they’d like to join us at, fine.

Yesterday, though we were having leftovers (lasagne) from Friday night and I didn’t have enough to feed them. It got to 6pm and I said ‘I assume you guys have eaten already? Otherwise, I think there’s going to be food available at this event’ they replied with ‘ohhh yes we had something before we came out’ whilst I’m reheating the leftovers my mum then comes over and is all ‘ohhh, what is that, smells lovely, I’m starving’ I was like, I thought you’d eaten?!’ And she said ‘oh yes we had an avacado with prawns’ wtf?! I said, well that’s hardly a dinner is it? I had a quiche in the fridge so I said ‘well, there’s a quiche in the fridge that I can bung in the oven for you?’ She instantly jumped on it ‘ohhh yes that’d be great.’

AIBU to be getting a bit fucked off with what seems like constantly having to feed them? (this happens pretty much every week) They always suggest coming over so late, knowing it runs into dinner time and just always seem to expect that I’ll feed them. I’ve got a busy job and two children, they don’t do anything to help in terms of food when they’re here, just sit and wait for it.

If I was going over to someone’s house late afternoon, unless it was specifically stated that they would be feeding me, I would say, don’t worry about dinner for us, we’ll eat before we come/ when we get home etc.

It’s the bloody hinting all the time after first insisting that they’ve already eaten. Does my head in. Don’t say you’ve eaten if you haven’t to try and ‘be polite‘ but then actually be rude by constantly asking what you’re having for dinner because they’re ‘starving’ it’s happening more and more.

It’s my mum more than my dad. It was my birthday a few weeks ago and DH had bought me some of my favourite chocolates. They came over, I made them tea and laid out some biscuits (their favourite biscuits!) I had a few chocolates left so I went and grabbed one and ate it with my tea. My mum instantly clocked it and siad ‘whats that?’ I said oh DH bought me my fave chocolates the other week, I’m on my last few’ ‘oh, I’ll have one of those rather than a biscuit please, they look much nicer.’ I was like wtf?! Yes I was a bit rude to not offer them one but I only had 3 left and I’d already offered them an assortment of bloody biscuits for gods sake. You just don’t say that sort of thing? She has zero manners and it’s actually starting to grate on me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Notoironing · 07/05/2023 10:39

I have similar. My dm turns up unannounced at 5/6pm a couple of times weekly, usually just as I’m unable to converse as I’m making the dinner. She will then talk about how she can’t be bothered to think about dinner, what to make etc etc. so I obviously have to invite her to stay.
i usually then don’t get anything as there isn’t enough.
it’s very annoying especially because she doesn’t have anything else to do all day whereas we have zero time because of work and looking after kids until the moment we fall asleep.

Ballcactus · 07/05/2023 10:45

how annoying! I wouldn’t let them in 🤣 but I am mean

Gettingbysomehow · 07/05/2023 10:47

I live 300 miles away from mine on purpose.

Desperatelyseekingcommonsense · 07/05/2023 10:50

I’d start giving them a grocery list for the next visit. As you are feeding them can they bring a picky tea for next time. Roasted chicken, salad, cold cuts, cheese, baguettes, chutney, olives and a quiche type tea.

TheDuck2018 · 07/05/2023 10:51

Absolutely not being unreasonable about everything other than the choccolates....you might have known what would happen, and also I think you were a bit rude to eat something you had no intention of sharing. Everything else though, definitely yanbu!

LittleMonks11 · 07/05/2023 10:53

If you're sure there's nothing else going on (emotionally, mentally, financially) then I suggest you do a reverse on them a couple times a month. Otherwise, I think you might just need to make peace with it. Or ask them to bring something if you know they are coming at dinner time. Life's too short and many would love to have their parents around to eat with (I have both mine by the way and my mum can also be bloody annoying but they are getting on now so I just deep breath it and get on).

FourTeaFallOut · 07/05/2023 10:53

It sounds like they have built a habit of enjoying your company without realizing the additional pressure it causes. Why don't you ask them to bring dinner for you all next week - a casserole or something? It might work for everyone if you have a busy day prior and they might enjoy helping?

TempName247 · 07/05/2023 10:54

YABU, you keep offering them food so they will think you don’t mind. Just stop.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/05/2023 10:54

Notoironing · 07/05/2023 10:39

I have similar. My dm turns up unannounced at 5/6pm a couple of times weekly, usually just as I’m unable to converse as I’m making the dinner. She will then talk about how she can’t be bothered to think about dinner, what to make etc etc. so I obviously have to invite her to stay.
i usually then don’t get anything as there isn’t enough.
it’s very annoying especially because she doesn’t have anything else to do all day whereas we have zero time because of work and looking after kids until the moment we fall asleep.

Why are you giving her your portion rather than at least portioning it out evenly? If she then comments on how little fodo there is, say we'll yes because that's because that's my dinner in sharing.

Or just don't bite. Mention some ready meals you saw in Morrisons she might like or at most if there's bits in the fridge offer to let her make herself something.

Same for OP. Either don't offer or tell her she's welcome to get herself something out of the fridge but you're about to sit down to eat now.

ShinyCaptain · 07/05/2023 10:56

Well I definitely wouldn't eat a posh choc in front of anyone I wasn't wholeheartedly willing to share with. That was self-inflicted, op.

The rest, you have to deal with properly by communicating. Which ought to be taught in schools.

Be explicit, stick to your guns, and then let them feel their feelings. It's on you.

RudsyFarmer · 07/05/2023 10:56

I do a mean poached egg on toast so id always offer that I think and people would probably stop asking 🤭

you do sound like you are a great cook so that’s probably the problem!

Snugglemonkey · 07/05/2023 10:57

I would say "what are you having for dinner"

I certainly would not offer quiche. They were not invited for dinner, there isn't enough. They are adults and can fend for themselves.

Yfory · 07/05/2023 10:57

Perfect time of year to start staying out later at the weekends for some picnic teas with your dh and the kids! Be out "accidentally". Or be direct and state the boundaries.

ShinyCaptain · 07/05/2023 10:58

You send a mixed message and expect people to magically know what to do? This is what you get.

FourTeaFallOut · 07/05/2023 11:00

Yfory · 07/05/2023 10:57

Perfect time of year to start staying out later at the weekends for some picnic teas with your dh and the kids! Be out "accidentally". Or be direct and state the boundaries.

I just don't understand this approach. The op is annoyed by the additional workload but doesn't suggest she doesn't want to spend time with her parents or that her children don't value time with their grandparents? This miserable option is complete overkill for the situation.

Mustardandchickensandwiches · 07/05/2023 11:01

It's your parents, just tell them.

Angrywife · 07/05/2023 11:01

Take them at their word that they've eaten and stop offering more food.
When she hints she's hungry say you're having left overs so there's not enough to share and leave it at that.
The more you allow it there's no reason for her to stop

MargotDeWitt · 07/05/2023 11:02

So you know what they are like and how things will pan out. So when they say they are coming over, ask them what their plans for dinner are. Tell them what your plans are and be upfront about whether they can join you or bring something. And when planning the weekend, give them a call and give them a heads up if it's not convenient for them to come over.

FavouriteDogMug · 07/05/2023 11:02

If my mum turns up I give her dinner, love having her join us. If it was a struggle financially or anything I would tell her and she would help out.

melissasummerfield · 07/05/2023 11:03

some harsh responses imo!

They are your parents, I presume with the exception of this issue they are decent people? If it always happens on the weekend I would just make a bigger portion of whatever I had planned. If they don’t turn up then you have leftovers.

Alternatively you could make it an agreed thing that they come for dinner every other Saturday or whatever works for you.

LadyKenya · 07/05/2023 11:04

I am shocked by some of these comments to be honest. I would just make sure I had food in, especially if you know that they are likely to call round in the week.

Symposium · 07/05/2023 11:05

I think it's a lack of communication problem. When they say they are coming over you need to say to that's great, we are only having left over lasagne for tea and there isn't enough to share so if you would like to join us please bring something with you. The chocolate thing was just asking for trouble. I would never get out special chocolate that I'm not going to share, that's just rude. You should have kept them hidden for later.

Batalax · 07/05/2023 11:07

The quiche was ridiculous. You’d already said there was food available to buy later so why did you offer it?
You shouldn’t have eaten a posh choc you weren’t willing to share.

You are making a rod for your own back.

If they come at that time they are going to stay. Either accept it and cater for them or ask them if they are coming next week and then ask them to bring stuff for you all on alternate weekends. If you don’t want them coming at all then say a few days before “please don’t come over this week as we are knackered and just want to chill and slob out”.

Its become regular, so time for conversations and setting boundaries.

Somebodiesmother · 07/05/2023 11:08

Mustardandchickensandwiches · 07/05/2023 11:01

It's your parents, just tell them.

Don't be silly, this is mumsnet, no one can ever say what they mean.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 07/05/2023 11:08

Could they be secretly struggling financially and you feeding them helps out?

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