Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by my parents always expecting dinner?

403 replies

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 10:20

Quite often, especially of a weekend, my parents will come over about 3/4pm (at their suggestion and we are often out before that with the kids anyway and don’t often get in til about 4 on a weekend) It gets to 5/6pm and I start dinner, I obviously always feel like I have to feed them and if I have enough then I don’t mind and do so.

They came over at 5pm yesterday as there was evening entertainment that started at 7 in our village for the coronation that they said they’d like to join us at, fine.

Yesterday, though we were having leftovers (lasagne) from Friday night and I didn’t have enough to feed them. It got to 6pm and I said ‘I assume you guys have eaten already? Otherwise, I think there’s going to be food available at this event’ they replied with ‘ohhh yes we had something before we came out’ whilst I’m reheating the leftovers my mum then comes over and is all ‘ohhh, what is that, smells lovely, I’m starving’ I was like, I thought you’d eaten?!’ And she said ‘oh yes we had an avacado with prawns’ wtf?! I said, well that’s hardly a dinner is it? I had a quiche in the fridge so I said ‘well, there’s a quiche in the fridge that I can bung in the oven for you?’ She instantly jumped on it ‘ohhh yes that’d be great.’

AIBU to be getting a bit fucked off with what seems like constantly having to feed them? (this happens pretty much every week) They always suggest coming over so late, knowing it runs into dinner time and just always seem to expect that I’ll feed them. I’ve got a busy job and two children, they don’t do anything to help in terms of food when they’re here, just sit and wait for it.

If I was going over to someone’s house late afternoon, unless it was specifically stated that they would be feeding me, I would say, don’t worry about dinner for us, we’ll eat before we come/ when we get home etc.

It’s the bloody hinting all the time after first insisting that they’ve already eaten. Does my head in. Don’t say you’ve eaten if you haven’t to try and ‘be polite‘ but then actually be rude by constantly asking what you’re having for dinner because they’re ‘starving’ it’s happening more and more.

It’s my mum more than my dad. It was my birthday a few weeks ago and DH had bought me some of my favourite chocolates. They came over, I made them tea and laid out some biscuits (their favourite biscuits!) I had a few chocolates left so I went and grabbed one and ate it with my tea. My mum instantly clocked it and siad ‘whats that?’ I said oh DH bought me my fave chocolates the other week, I’m on my last few’ ‘oh, I’ll have one of those rather than a biscuit please, they look much nicer.’ I was like wtf?! Yes I was a bit rude to not offer them one but I only had 3 left and I’d already offered them an assortment of bloody biscuits for gods sake. You just don’t say that sort of thing? She has zero manners and it’s actually starting to grate on me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 07/05/2023 13:08

MeetingPlace · 07/05/2023 13:06

How many hot dinners would you estimate your parents have given you in your lifetime?

That's why your mother has expectations.

Your mother is doing this rather forcefully though, and I’m sorry.

When I cook meals for DS, it's certainly not with any desire to have them reciprocated in number when he is an adult. What an odd thing to say.

Notimeforaname · 07/05/2023 13:09

But you keep offering the food and you dont say no, so... how can they know you have a problem with it?

daisymoonlight · 07/05/2023 13:10

rookiemere · 07/05/2023 13:08

When I cook meals for DS, it's certainly not with any desire to have them reciprocated in number when he is an adult. What an odd thing to say.

Show quote history

Same. What a bizarre response. Maybe I should keep a spreadsheet of all the clothes/shoes I’ve bought him over the years so I can expect the same back when he’s 18!

LookItsMeAgain · 07/05/2023 13:11

MeetingPlace · 07/05/2023 13:06

How many hot dinners would you estimate your parents have given you in your lifetime?

That's why your mother has expectations.

Your mother is doing this rather forcefully though, and I’m sorry.

In fairness - the answer to the first question there is as many as it takes to help you grow up to be a kind thoughtful individual. That's what a parent should do.

The occasional meal provided by your child while you visit them and your grandchildren would be expected but a regular thing, without offering any sort of advance notice is not usual.

Thesharkradar · 07/05/2023 13:12

daisymoonlight · 07/05/2023 13:10

Same. What a bizarre response. Maybe I should keep a spreadsheet of all the clothes/shoes I’ve bought him over the years so I can expect the same back when he’s 18!

Show quote history

Exactly, we all have to pay it forward to our own kids and we can't do that if we're having to simultaneously pay it back to our parents!

woodhill · 07/05/2023 13:12

I would be fed up too OP

Can't you ask to go over there for a change and they could feed you instead, it should be reciprocated

Also do they not bring anything when they come as a token like flowers or chocolates etc

cnfused · 07/05/2023 13:14

Lmao you would hate afghan culture.

Any guest coming over requires a buffet!

On the plus side. When I go to MILS, I know me and kids are being fed without a doubt.

It's their love language!

I cannot get angry at this OP.

They fed you many meals growing up. I don't think two extra plates once a week is something to moan about

2bazookas · 07/05/2023 13:14

I just don't get this. We both cook; all our adult kids cook.

In our family , at any time, we all have enough basic food in the house (tins, eggs, dry pasta, fresh veg) that we can put together a meal (or pad one out) to feed extras with no notice.

BeverlyHa · 07/05/2023 13:15

Oh come on. Surely this is your lovely mum who raised you and make sure you have good cooking skills. Be a little more loving

forrestgreen · 07/05/2023 13:15

'Dm and dad, we've noticed you're visits are coinciding with meal times recently. If you'd like to stay would you ask in advance and bring a contribution. Or we could take it in turns where you bring a casserole etc for us all. With the cost of living crisis we allocate 'left overs' for another meal that week. Let me know if you'd like to take it in turns. Love op'

woodhill · 07/05/2023 13:15

nameisnotimportant · 07/05/2023 12:32

I'm shocked by some of these responses.
This is your parents, who I presume fed and clothed you for the first approx 18 years of your life.
I would just plan ahead and cook for them.
If it's a pressure financially, then have an adult conversation with them or when they offer to come round ask them to contribute something to the meal.
Also it's incredibly rude to get nice snacks out and not offer to share. Your Mums probably wondering why you don't just offer instead of having to ask all the time.

Probably because OP has had enough of her dps putting on her all the time

dottiedodah · 07/05/2023 13:16

I dont get the Mum and Dad cooked thousands of Dinners and now its my turn sort of thinking.Surely everyone does this? If its once a week then assume they are coming over .Maybe try to be out more often ,and say ask them every other weekend? Its summer time so maybe some Crusty Bread ,salad, pate or whatever

SkyandSurf · 07/05/2023 13:17

Three times a week is excessive. Especially if you are struggling financially.

Can't you speak to your own parents? Couldn't you just tell them you can't afford it and it's too much?

Do you think they are coming for company? Or to save money? Or because they can't be bothered cooking? If you speak to them they might offer to chip in for groceries. Or realise they've been coming too often and creating a bother.

I would deliberately invite them once a week, explicitly say 'please come for dinner' and when they leave say 'see you next Sunday dinner!'

If they come over midweek just remind them you've only enough food for the household and you glad they've eaten already.

RichardsGear · 07/05/2023 13:19

Why do people keep going on about the parents feeding OP when she was a kid? That's part and parcel of being a parent! Should these parents also rock up with bags of dirty laundry because they did all OP's washing when she was young? Should OP bung them some pocket money every week too?

daisymoonlight · 07/05/2023 13:19

BeverlyHa · 07/05/2023 13:15

Oh come on. Surely this is your lovely mum who raised you and make sure you have good cooking skills. Be a little more loving

It’s not about being loving- OP has said they can’t afford to feed both of them in addition to her own family 3 x a week. Lots of families are under financial pressure right now. It’s really insensitive to expect a meal when your grown kids can’t afford it - why can’t they bring food to share to ease the burden?

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/05/2023 13:22

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 12:26

Sorry, out at the moment so don’t have time to reply to loads of comments, but just to say; it’s not once a week. Well some weeks it is, others (like last week) they ‘popped over’ about 4 and were still sat there at 6 three times!! So three times last week I ended up feeding them and as a family, we can’t afford to feed two extra adults three times a week wt the moment. It’s getting expensive.

It’s the unsaid expectations as someone else said. My mum EXPECTS us to feed her, but won’t actually say it and if I say ‘have you eaten’ will say yes but then as soon as I start prepping food for ourselves will come over and basically say she wants some of our dinner. Her manners are appalling and it’s starting to piss me off. I have said something in the past but it falls on deaf ears.

There's an old saying, that 'insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results'.

Over and over again, you're feeding them without prior agreement. You know what you have to do - stop feeding them.

When dinner time rolls around, be blunt. 'I don't have enough in to feed two extra tonight'. They'll either go home and feed themselves, or you'll have to hold your nerve and let them sit unfed whilst you eat.

Consider it a training exercise, for yourself as well as them. See how many times you have to repeat the lesson before it sinks in to them.

Katrinawaves · 07/05/2023 13:23

Unless this is totally financially unaffordable, I would have things in the house which are cheap and will keep indefinitely but will pad a meal out to stretch to an extra two people. So a sack of potatoes where you can serve a baked potato on the side and give everyone less of the main meal, part baked baguettes, home made soup which could be served as a starter or home made rice pudding to serve as a filling dessert.

If that isn’t financially affordable, then you need to have a heart to heart with your parents at a time when they have not turned up expecting to be fed, and let them know you are struggling and come to an agreement with them about how you can spend time together without having to bear the cost of feeding them several times a week.

FoodieToo · 07/05/2023 13:24

Wow, you are lucky enough to have parents alive who want to visit you and fed and cared for you for the first at leat 18 years of your life and you begrudge them a bit of dinner once a week ??!!! Shocking .

Just always factor them in.

And the chocolate issue .......oh my god !

Ffaldiri · 07/05/2023 13:26

GalileoHumpkins · 07/05/2023 12:20

Presumably, your parents fed you every day while you were growing up, is it really that much of a ball ache to make a bit extra when you know they're coming?
This place gets weirder.

Feeding your child that you chose to have is the BARE MINIMUM of parenting.
You do not owe them food.

daisymoonlight · 07/05/2023 13:26

Wow, you are lucky enough to have parents alive who want to visit you and fed and cared for you for the first at leat 18 years of your life and you begrudge them a bit of dinner once a week ??!!! Shocking

Nonsense. Both my parents are dead and I still think her parents are being selfish and unreasonable

Northtosouth · 07/05/2023 13:28

YANBU being annoyed by this but just
stop feeding them. They sound like they’re obviously used to just being fed now and don’t think they’re doing anything wrong. Or just buy more food knowing they’ll be staying for dinner every week.

Personally I wouldn’t eat my own chocolates in front of others if I wasn’t going to share them, so YABU with that but also rude of your mum to ask.

Lolaandbehold · 07/05/2023 13:30

You know what I might do in your situation, OP? Get a couple of cheap jars of tomato pasta sauce and some pasta. Make up say 10 x 2 portions and put them in the freezer. Every time they come over, you eat your dinner and heat a pasta dish up for them. Every single time. They'll soon get bored of it and if they don't, repeat. That way you haven't not fed them and if she queries why they aren't getting what you're having, you can say you didn't have enough chicken, or whatever you're having yourselves.

Therealjudgejudy · 07/05/2023 13:31

I agree that yanbu.

Your mum sounds like she has no manners at all

Beautiful3 · 07/05/2023 13:34

Since reading your post, I remembered how my fil kept coming over every Sunday at dinner time. Making the lip smacking noises, that smells good, what you having? It used to annoy me. I'd end up serving him which meant we all had less. I couldn't afford a bigger joint of meat. Then one time he said, "this is good. I left my beef out to defrost, guess I'll have it tomorrow." We had jacket spuds the next day, and he had beef! I ended up moving the time of our dinner, so he got here when we finished. Sometimes he'd come at the new dinner time, but I'd make him a cup of tea and biscuits, and eat our dinner. You're going to have to stop asking them about dinner, ignore it. Feed your family. Just give them tea and biscuits.

PurpleSky09 · 07/05/2023 13:35

This would really piss me off but without being blunt with them about it I'm not sure what you can do to stop it other than specifically only making enough food for you and your children and making sure there is nothing to give to them too.

Swipe left for the next trending thread