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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by my parents always expecting dinner?

403 replies

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 10:20

Quite often, especially of a weekend, my parents will come over about 3/4pm (at their suggestion and we are often out before that with the kids anyway and don’t often get in til about 4 on a weekend) It gets to 5/6pm and I start dinner, I obviously always feel like I have to feed them and if I have enough then I don’t mind and do so.

They came over at 5pm yesterday as there was evening entertainment that started at 7 in our village for the coronation that they said they’d like to join us at, fine.

Yesterday, though we were having leftovers (lasagne) from Friday night and I didn’t have enough to feed them. It got to 6pm and I said ‘I assume you guys have eaten already? Otherwise, I think there’s going to be food available at this event’ they replied with ‘ohhh yes we had something before we came out’ whilst I’m reheating the leftovers my mum then comes over and is all ‘ohhh, what is that, smells lovely, I’m starving’ I was like, I thought you’d eaten?!’ And she said ‘oh yes we had an avacado with prawns’ wtf?! I said, well that’s hardly a dinner is it? I had a quiche in the fridge so I said ‘well, there’s a quiche in the fridge that I can bung in the oven for you?’ She instantly jumped on it ‘ohhh yes that’d be great.’

AIBU to be getting a bit fucked off with what seems like constantly having to feed them? (this happens pretty much every week) They always suggest coming over so late, knowing it runs into dinner time and just always seem to expect that I’ll feed them. I’ve got a busy job and two children, they don’t do anything to help in terms of food when they’re here, just sit and wait for it.

If I was going over to someone’s house late afternoon, unless it was specifically stated that they would be feeding me, I would say, don’t worry about dinner for us, we’ll eat before we come/ when we get home etc.

It’s the bloody hinting all the time after first insisting that they’ve already eaten. Does my head in. Don’t say you’ve eaten if you haven’t to try and ‘be polite‘ but then actually be rude by constantly asking what you’re having for dinner because they’re ‘starving’ it’s happening more and more.

It’s my mum more than my dad. It was my birthday a few weeks ago and DH had bought me some of my favourite chocolates. They came over, I made them tea and laid out some biscuits (their favourite biscuits!) I had a few chocolates left so I went and grabbed one and ate it with my tea. My mum instantly clocked it and siad ‘whats that?’ I said oh DH bought me my fave chocolates the other week, I’m on my last few’ ‘oh, I’ll have one of those rather than a biscuit please, they look much nicer.’ I was like wtf?! Yes I was a bit rude to not offer them one but I only had 3 left and I’d already offered them an assortment of bloody biscuits for gods sake. You just don’t say that sort of thing? She has zero manners and it’s actually starting to grate on me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Hiphopopotamus · 07/05/2023 11:09

I think YABU unless you’ve explicitly had these conversations. Your parents aren’t mindreaders! If someone came round to my house at 5pm for an event at 7pm it wouldn’t occur to me NOT to give them dinner. Otherwise they’d be having to eat dinner at 4pm at the earliest. But I would have had that conversation when plans were made and asked if they had any ideas for dinner, that we were having leftovers and maybe they could bring something with them or I could do xyz. I don’t understand getting to the point of dishing up your family meal and saying ‘I assume you’ve eaten’.

Do many problems on here could be solved if people just spoke to each other!

Funkyslippers · 07/05/2023 11:09

melissasummerfield but they were already eating leftover lasagne! Sounds like the op didn't want to have to make anything from scratch which is what you're suggesting they do, with extra portions, every week just incase they drop by, haven't eaten, and make hints about how starving they are! I cannot stand people dropping hints and refuse to pick up on them

PinkiOcelot · 07/05/2023 11:11

Wouldn’t bother me at all.

rainyskylight · 07/05/2023 11:11

If you’re freely offering quiche from the fridge then you’re not letting her know that constantly feeding them at short notice is a burden.

Next time, explain that it’s tomorrow’s lunch and don’t offer it. Say that there’s always cheese on toast if she’s hungry, and she’s always welcome to bring something with her next time, either to share or for herself to eat.

Yes, avocado and prawns isn’t really a meal, but that’s her fault. Rather than saying “oh no that’s not dinner… you’d better have some of ours”, call her bluff and say “ok great you’re all set. If you get peckish you know where the toaster is”.

She only ate a light snack knowing she’d be eating again at yours.

Both you and your mother are giving each other mixed messages.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/05/2023 11:12

If they aren't fussy or easily offended I would just keep a pizza or quiche in the freezer to throw in the oven if they unexpectedly join you for dinner. Just say 'Sorry, we weren't expecting you so I didn't make enough tacos/lasagna/cottage pie."

Garethkeenansstapler · 07/05/2023 11:14

Notoironing · 07/05/2023 10:39

I have similar. My dm turns up unannounced at 5/6pm a couple of times weekly, usually just as I’m unable to converse as I’m making the dinner. She will then talk about how she can’t be bothered to think about dinner, what to make etc etc. so I obviously have to invite her to stay.
i usually then don’t get anything as there isn’t enough.
it’s very annoying especially because she doesn’t have anything else to do all day whereas we have zero time because of work and looking after kids until the moment we fall asleep.

Why not just say there isn’t enough? Say in future text if you want food so you can make sure you have enough in?

RicherThanYews · 07/05/2023 11:14

The balls on your Ma asking for a birthday chocolate 😂 are we related?

Whatevs99 · 07/05/2023 11:15

You should have said “it’s lasagne - sorry I don’t have enough for you both” End of.

If you’re talking to her during the week could you try something like “if you’re coming around on Saturday is there any chance you’d bring a casserole - we’ll be out all day at X,y or z and I don’t plan on making dinner when I get back - but if you’re willing, that’d be great”

Bagofmaltesers · 07/05/2023 11:17

Unless it’s a financial burden, cook enough to feed them too if they are likely to drop by. In the case of a dinner of leftovers, offer them a cup of tea and a biscuit or a sandwich. They are your parents. Be kind. It’s lovely that they enjoy your company.

Pinkdelight3 · 07/05/2023 11:18

I wouldn't have made them the quiche and certainly wouldn't give them my special chocs. Just say no. It's no ruder than they're being and if you can't be straight with your folks in your own house, who can you be?

Garethkeenansstapler · 07/05/2023 11:18

Bagofmaltesers · 07/05/2023 11:17

Unless it’s a financial burden, cook enough to feed them too if they are likely to drop by. In the case of a dinner of leftovers, offer them a cup of tea and a biscuit or a sandwich. They are your parents. Be kind. It’s lovely that they enjoy your company.

But why can’t it be reversed? Op is busy with kids. They’re retired. They’re being selfish and greedy.

HungryandIknowit · 07/05/2023 11:19

It's a bit annoying but I personally wouldn't mind too much. Maybe invite them earlier. You should not have brought the chocs out. If you do, etiquette is to offer them to others.

LimeCheesecake · 07/05/2023 11:21

You Need to be both more rude and less rude! And accept there’s oddness around food in your family - including you.

My dcs know if you have guests, you don’t get out treat food that’s not for sharing, so you were rude to eat the birthday chocolates if you had no intention of sharing - you put out the biscuits and that’s all that’s available to everyone. so you need to be less rude about food.

for more rude “well I’m going to have to ask you to leave now as it’s dinner time and I don’t have enough to share as I didn’t know you were going to be staying.” No hints- say it.

on a side note, you need to start explicitly inviting for meals or outside of meal times away from your home. If I invited someone for 5pm to my house for an event stating at 7pm, I would assume I would feed the guests as why else were they coming over 2 hours before. If you didn’t want to feed them, you say “no can you come over closer to 7pm and we’ll go straight there.”

basically, you need to train your mum to know that she’ll only get fed at your house if it’s agreed beforehand- sometimes say “come for lunch/dinner” always ask them to leave at meal times if they have just dropped in, arrange to meet them elsewhere, so if they need to be catered, they can buy something when out.

BreviloquentBastard · 07/05/2023 11:23

If you don't like it you need to stop doing it. If they show up and you feed them without complaint, how are they supposed to know it's annoying you so much? Have a conversation with them, they're your parents!

Rinkydinkydoodle · 07/05/2023 11:25

I’m in a minority on the voting, and maybe it might be cultural (I come from a place where we are all trying to feed one another all the time and hospitality is key) but I’d be happy and glad to feed anyone who was hungry, no matter who they were. My parents, especially, I wouldn’t consider it an imposition if they turned up wanting a meal at all.

All they’re messing about and subterfuge and we’ve already eaten patter is a bit peculiar, to be sure, but maybe it’s cos they feel they’re not invited and it’s rude to ask? Is there a reason you couldn’t plan for them to be there for their dinner? I get you’re busy, but unless you’re cash-strapped it’s not the end of the world is it?

Agree with the other posters about eating a posh chocolate in front of someone and not offering them one. My MIL does this, eats her ‘special chocolate’, and though I am not a chocolate lover and wouldn’t actually take one, I find it a little childish when she does it, why mention they exist if they’re not for sharing?

shakeitoffsis · 07/05/2023 11:25

Just tell them, it's really not hard

notalawyer · 07/05/2023 11:26

Wow. Your mum made you and birthed you and fed you for many years I would assume. You're lucky enough to have your parents close enough for them to visit you. I could not get worked up about feeding my own parents, who fed me for so many years.

If I didn't have enough food, I would suggest something quick they could put in the oven themselves though and ask for a bit of a hand tidying up. For such regular guests, no waiting on them should be happening. But equally, I would not mind sharing food with them at all. Just make sure you always have something quick in the freezer for them, if you don't have enough from your meal etc.

Rinkydinkydoodle · 07/05/2023 11:27

*their not they’re

Shortpoet · 07/05/2023 11:29

I was going to have a standby ton of beans and frozen bread so she can make beans on toast.

But a direct conversation would be better

Crikeyalmighty · 07/05/2023 11:30

I can see it's annoying but I honestly don't think some older people think this way. When I was younger grandparents came over to tea every Sunday and never ever contributed a thing- nor was it asked for. I would just keep stuff in the freezer to give them if asked- or it's obvious they intend to hang around. One reason I'm personally not keen on a living situation with parents on the doorstep if their social life appears to be based on you - however I do appreciate others feel differently and love all that-

CupEmpty · 07/05/2023 11:31

I don’t get this. If you know they are coming over on a Friday for example, why can’t you just make something easily shareable? For example that lasagne you had enough for seconds another night? Then it doesn’t matter whether they eat or not, you can pre prep it if you’re busy and just bung it in the oven 🤷‍♀️

from someone who doesn’t have local or engaged family, I would love to have my parents to just pop over for dinner.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 07/05/2023 11:31

LadyKenya · 07/05/2023 11:04

I am shocked by some of these comments to be honest. I would just make sure I had food in, especially if you know that they are likely to call round in the week.

Yes me too.

Unless there is a huge drip feed coming I can’t imagine not just making a bit extra if family members tend to call in around dinner time. I also can’t understand why you don’t just ask/invite them beforehand. ‘Oh if you’re coming at 5pm shall I do dinner?’. It’s bizarre to me that you would begrudge feeding your dp’s when you’re cooking anyway.

JulieHoney · 07/05/2023 11:32

You lost me at “ate your posh chocolates in front of your mother and resented sharing them.”

That is incredibly rude.

diddl · 07/05/2023 11:32

When they suggest coming over at 3/4 suggest they come over later after you have eaten?

Invite them specifically for a meal when you want to?

I think that you were rude to have a chocolate & I think your mum was very rude for saying that she would have one.

Did you let her?

rookiemere · 07/05/2023 11:32

You were being a bit of a wet blanket about your chocolates. I would just have said "Yes they do look nice don't they ?They are my absolute favourites and DH bought them for my birthday, so they are off limits I'm afraid "
I'd maybe start having some cheap frozen chicken dippers in the freezer. Offer them those when they need feeding instead of your lunch for the next day.
I'm wondering how you have grown up so meek and mild mannered with a DM who bulldozers her way through life.