To be irritated by my parents always expecting dinner?

If she’s not keen on her parents I wonder why she continues to see them. She can make a decision not to. I wouldn’t have anything to do with parents who were horrible to me.

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 16:04 So last summer parents came over on a Wednesday evening, arrived about 5.30 after we’d finished work, they’d had a BBQ at ours on the Saturday. We were all sat in the garden drinking a glass of wine, it got to 7pm and it became clear they’d sit there all night if we let them so I had to say ‘sorry guys, but going to have to get dinner on now so will have to ask you to make a move.’ To which they both looked at me like I’d slapped them round the face, wounded, puppy dog eyes and went ‘oh okay, yeh’ and off they went. When they left, DH said ‘that was so awkward’ I was like I know, but we don’t have enough to go round tonight and we only fed them at the weekend!! They just made us feel so guilty and genuinely would have sat there all night and expected dinner if I hadn’t said to them. So I have spoke up in the past but just end up getting made to feel really guilty. I think this post is just a moan/ vent really and to double check whether I’m just being tight/ unreasonable as they make me feel like I am.

But you didn't exactly "Speak up" did you! What you did was suddenly contradict what appears to have become "the norm" for them when they visit you i.e you provide food...from the freezer or the same as what you are having if there is enough.

I think you need to have a straight discussion with them expressing specifically what you feel/want/can provide or whatever as in

"It is nice to see you when you pop round. I am wondering why I always seem to end up having to provide an unplanned meal for you!. Why does that always happen?"

Listen to their reply and adapt your response accordingly. If they say "of if you don't want us ....bla bla" type of answer reply "No I didn't say that. My question was "why ..." Keep repeating that question re always feeding them. If and when you get a straight answer listen etc

Your reply might be:
It is always nice to see you of course. However I am finding it disruptive/difficult/ irritating/ tiring (or whatever words you wish to use to describe etc) having to provide food unexpectedly for you as often as I do.

I think it would be helpful if you could ring to let us know you are coming. Can you also not work on the basis of having food at our house every time you come. Maybe come earlier and have a cuppa and then go home to eat. ..." ...or a version of that that covers what you want to say. In other words work with them on a compromise that woks for every one

Mmm… I started off thinking that you’re a bit mean, I would love to have nice parents dropping in etc. But (haven’t read it all) but have still gathered, they weren’t the best parents, they seem to come specifically to eat, quite often?! Also ignorantly sit there until that time when it’s obvious that you don’t want to give them dinner. So no you are dnu. I think I’d just say ‘oh sorry were you wanting dinner? I’ve not really got enough in we’re having whatever you’ll have to sort yourselves out’.

I don't think it's so much about money but the fact you feel like they are taking advantage of you. It's clear they are mainly visiting for the meal as they are lazy and prefer you to wait on them. Can you go over there or ask them to come at a different time or ask them to bring some food with them for a picky meal? If you say you don't want to cook for them it will sound mean and they will say that you're cooking anyway why does it matter etc. A bit like the car posts we get on mumsnet, why can't you give me a lift everyday as you're going there anyway.

FFS, read the thread

I turn up to my mums all the time, totally unannounced and she always feeds me if it's a mealtime, I do the same in return. I love that my family are so laid back.

Read the thread. It's not a nicey nice family🤦‍♀️.

@RosaBaby2 how is that relevant to the OP's situation though? Your family reciprocates

I wouldn't begrudge my parents the food itself (though I appreciate it's annoying when you haven't planned/portioned for guests), but what would annoy me is the hinting and mooching around until offered a meal.

I really can't stand when people act coy and skirt around what they want; just spit it out and I'll tell you yes or no. Thankfully, my mum has finally learned that a tinkly "oh, you don't have to get me anything!" doesn't work when I ask what she wants for her birthday and will now tell me straight-up what she wants.

You keep pandering to it so they won't change unless you have a frank conversation. Tell them they can come for pre-arranged dinners but simply turning up at 5pm and expecting to be fed will result in disappointment.

P.S. I'm on your side but it was pretty rude to have a fancy chocolate in front of them. If you don't want to share something, wait until guests have left before you get stuck in 😬

Yes this. You had no need to offer food especially since you were going out to Coronation party. It does sound a bit emotionally needy though. I wouldn’t do this with my daughter. A bit weird you felt the need to eat the special chocolate after getting biscuits out for guests.

Just because our parents fed us does not mean we should have to feed them a few times every week when we have busy lives and young children. Or indeed if we had none of those things. And all the stuff about your parents not being around forever, where does it stop? Should you feed them every night because they could be dead soon, maybe they should move in for the same reason if they want to?
Both my parents are dead and I would dearly love to have them round the table , but not 2 or 3 times a week!
I also don't get the rudeness of the chocolate either. I'm sure the OP would eat the last few chocs in front of her DH , so as her parents appear to want to be treated as permanent residents, I don't think the OP did anything wrong. She is feeding them non stop. I think she deserves the entire box to herself!

Even if it's your parents, it is, in my opinion a difficult situation. I would feel awkward confronting them directly. Are they generally quite selfish or is it some sort of misunderstanding on their part?

Do they ever cook dinner for you? If not, I would probably do as someone suggested, go out on some summer evenings and have a picnic. Or perhaps prepare your dinner earlier and tell them you have already eaten and maybe rustle up a simple snack - beans on toast or something.

Not unreasonable at all, that would drive me insane. Assuming you’re happy to have them around at that time e and with that frequency- stop offering the food, wait until you’re about to have your dinner then maybe say casually ‘oh there’s some ham in the fridge if you want to make yourself a sandwich’ etc. Don’t enable it by jumping to make them something every time. She’ll soon get bored of ham butties! 🤣💗

Not true for everyone.

When I heard my father was dead, I went out to Waitrose & bought champagne & nice nibbles, then came home & put on a dress & decent shoes & surprised DH when he got in from work. He felt the same way about it as I did, & we enjoyed the food & drink immensely.

It was such a relief, & the bstrd made me wait far too many years to celebrate.

I was being sarcastic. I am more than fine with people criticising crap parents, whether they are alive or dead.

If it happens every week why don't you plan on feeding them? Or ask specifically when they say they'll pop round if they're expecting to be fed?

I voted yabu purely because you let your mum use you as a doormat.

Tell her that next time if she wants to come over that is fine. But that she needs to be out by 6pm because that's when y have dinner.

And then grow a spine and tell her time to leave. Bye mum. And get her coat and open the door. Bye. See you next time.

She obviously is a cheeky one that likes to get her way.

@nameisnotimportant stop being so entitled. Kids don't own parents anything !
And parents need to realise when they aren't wanted or when they've overstayed their welcome in their kids houses. ops mum is taking the piss!

@SparklyBlackKitten I think you need to look up the definition of entitled.

I said that because the OP's parents clothed and fed her all her life that she should just cook for them when they come around. If she can't afford to do it or doesn't want to, then have an adult conversation with them.

Surely that is just being grateful for what your parents have done for you throughout your life. I'm not sure how that is entitled ?

@WorldOutThere Fair enough. Hard to tell who's being serious & who isn't.

@Chanelsunnies - just wondering if you've had a chat with your parents yet? How did it go? Have they stopped coming around so often?

My Mum never comes empty handed. She is always contributing to our food stock. I Thought most mother's would be this way especially if you have young children.

@Betterbear

my mum never comes over to mine with food
why would she? Im a grown adult who knows how to use a supermarket.

It's nice to bring something when visiting like wine, flowers or chocolates even if you are family

Usually, when you grow up and move out, you throw off the parental leash. Your Mum doesn't seem to have clocked it yet. They come to encroach on your weekends and time it so they get fed. I think it's time for a 'hey, guess what, we are off to (fill in the blanks) have dinner with friends, go to the cinema, go bowling ANYTHING so that you aren't at home and available to put up with them.

I don't understand why OP has them over? If they were so horrible she now has the choice - as an adult - to be free of them. I would tell them straight that I don't want them to come round so much. What has she got to lose if she doesn't like them?