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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by my parents always expecting dinner?

403 replies

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 10:20

Quite often, especially of a weekend, my parents will come over about 3/4pm (at their suggestion and we are often out before that with the kids anyway and don’t often get in til about 4 on a weekend) It gets to 5/6pm and I start dinner, I obviously always feel like I have to feed them and if I have enough then I don’t mind and do so.

They came over at 5pm yesterday as there was evening entertainment that started at 7 in our village for the coronation that they said they’d like to join us at, fine.

Yesterday, though we were having leftovers (lasagne) from Friday night and I didn’t have enough to feed them. It got to 6pm and I said ‘I assume you guys have eaten already? Otherwise, I think there’s going to be food available at this event’ they replied with ‘ohhh yes we had something before we came out’ whilst I’m reheating the leftovers my mum then comes over and is all ‘ohhh, what is that, smells lovely, I’m starving’ I was like, I thought you’d eaten?!’ And she said ‘oh yes we had an avacado with prawns’ wtf?! I said, well that’s hardly a dinner is it? I had a quiche in the fridge so I said ‘well, there’s a quiche in the fridge that I can bung in the oven for you?’ She instantly jumped on it ‘ohhh yes that’d be great.’

AIBU to be getting a bit fucked off with what seems like constantly having to feed them? (this happens pretty much every week) They always suggest coming over so late, knowing it runs into dinner time and just always seem to expect that I’ll feed them. I’ve got a busy job and two children, they don’t do anything to help in terms of food when they’re here, just sit and wait for it.

If I was going over to someone’s house late afternoon, unless it was specifically stated that they would be feeding me, I would say, don’t worry about dinner for us, we’ll eat before we come/ when we get home etc.

It’s the bloody hinting all the time after first insisting that they’ve already eaten. Does my head in. Don’t say you’ve eaten if you haven’t to try and ‘be polite‘ but then actually be rude by constantly asking what you’re having for dinner because they’re ‘starving’ it’s happening more and more.

It’s my mum more than my dad. It was my birthday a few weeks ago and DH had bought me some of my favourite chocolates. They came over, I made them tea and laid out some biscuits (their favourite biscuits!) I had a few chocolates left so I went and grabbed one and ate it with my tea. My mum instantly clocked it and siad ‘whats that?’ I said oh DH bought me my fave chocolates the other week, I’m on my last few’ ‘oh, I’ll have one of those rather than a biscuit please, they look much nicer.’ I was like wtf?! Yes I was a bit rude to not offer them one but I only had 3 left and I’d already offered them an assortment of bloody biscuits for gods sake. You just don’t say that sort of thing? She has zero manners and it’s actually starting to grate on me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ladykryptonite · 07/05/2023 11:32

Be happy they're there and feed them, they'll be dead one day

TheKobayashiMaru · 07/05/2023 11:33

Are th hing financial difficulties?

TheKobayashiMaru · 07/05/2023 11:34

TheKobayashiMaru · 07/05/2023 11:33

Are th hing financial difficulties?

Sorry that was meant to say: Are they having financial difficulties?

Zanatdy · 07/05/2023 11:34

Ask them to come at a different time or alternate and let them cook for you. No I wouldn’t show up at dinner time and expect others to feed me

Butterfly44 · 07/05/2023 11:36

Presumably your mum is similarly irritated' at having to do dinner for you when you were a child. Hmm

Honestly, unless there's some back story, give your parents a break and include them when they visit. Have a word and say from now on you'd like to know when there expected departure for logistics so your prepared.

LadyKenya · 07/05/2023 11:38

Is this how some people would treat their parents? This is not a neighbour from down the road! Unbelievable.

7eleven · 07/05/2023 11:38

Looks like you inherited their manners- eating a chocolate in front of someone and not offering to share 🙄

SkyandSurf · 07/05/2023 11:39

Everyone's relationship with their parents is different. But personally I would just anticipate that I'll be feeding them on that day and plan around that.

Were they good parents to you? Did they feed you for years? Assuming yes, I think it's nice to include them in your dinner plans once a week.

If you have a history of them treating you badly then that's another story.

Eating a chocolate with your tea without offering them to guests isn't good manners, and I don't think she's out of line assuming they were for sharing.

Are you having trouble affording the food? I think it would be fine to say to your own parents that you need them to chip in for the dinner costs if you're under financial stress.

Doihavetogotoworkdotcom1 · 07/05/2023 11:39

They fed you for many years!

Crikeyohreilly · 07/05/2023 11:40

Ladykryptonite · 07/05/2023 11:32

Be happy they're there and feed them, they'll be dead one day

This ^

Life is extremely precious and short and to quibble over feeding your own parents seems harsh. They evidently want to spend time with you and if you are eating then why wouldn’t you make extra for them. Perhaps they are lonely or just enjoy the food you serve. I’m the type of person that extends a meal to anyone that happens to be at our house - the plumber had pasta bake with us the other night 🤣

If this is such a problem for you then you need to tell them but is it worth hurting their feelings over 2 extra portions a week? Id want to make sure that they were fed and I’d embrace it but if you don’t then you have to tell them.

As for the chocolates why on earth would you bring something out you weren’t going to share it’s a bit rude tbh.

Oldermum84 · 07/05/2023 11:41

Just tell them that if they want dinner there to let you know so you have something in. Unless you don't want them eating with you, then tell them not to come / that you're busy. My mum's dead and my dad refuses to come for dinner and it's very lonely. No one ever pops by for a bit of company and I'd love it.

StColumbofNavron · 07/05/2023 11:42

Since this appears to be a regular thing, why don’t you just plan accordingly and cook enough. Maybe my view is skewed like some previous posters as culturally it would be weird to tell my own parents I am not feeding them. When we visited grandparents every weekend as kids i called my grandma in the week to tell her what I wanted even. We also visit both sets of grandparents now and are always fed and if they came here I would feed them. I’d also happily eat toast and let my mum and dad have my portion if I hadn’t prepared, but this situation doesn’t sound impromptu so I’d plan accordingly that GPs have dinner on X day.

ToddlerMum2 · 07/05/2023 11:42

If you usually know they’re coming then can you not just plan the meal in advance?
One week you provide, and the following week ask them to bring something? If they’re going to be there anyway, surely that would cut out the annoying part of it. Doesn’t have to be a huge elaborate meal every week - grab some oven pizzas and salad, or a quick pasta dish or something? Or if you’re heading out for the day fling a bolognese or chill in the slow cooker?

RichardsGear · 07/05/2023 11:44

Call in and see them instead and see if you get fed 😉.

tatteddear · 07/05/2023 11:45

I'm in a kind of similar situation. I'm driving 200 miles round trip each weekend currently to look after my parents who are both unwell. (My sister does the weeks when I'm at work and I do weekends). They are house bound so I'm doing the big shop and batch cooking at weekends. It's putting me really out of pocket-they give me the odd £20 here and there but doesn't cover it. It's just really tricky to ask for more without upsetting them-plus they don't do internet banking so they would physically have to get cash out which they can't do currently and if I ask they will fret about it etc.

It's really tricky.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/05/2023 11:46

"Quite often, especially of a weekend, my parents will come over about 3/4pm (at their suggestion and we are often out before that with the kids anyway and don’t often get in til about 4 on a weekend) It gets to 5/6pm and I start dinner, I obviously always feel like I have to feed them and if I have enough then I don’t mind and do so."

Well when they suggest it - raise the matter of dinner. Either ask if you'll be feeding them, or tell them you won't. Make it explicit what's going to happen, because I think what's really pissing you off is all the unsaid expectations. No, fuck that. And have a full conversation with your mum! Point out what she's doing, and all this unsaid stuff is getting to you. And - tell her you're expecting her to feed you too! It shouldn't all go one way.

charabang · 07/05/2023 11:46

It's hardly the crime of the century. To politely decline then when offered food accept it. Don't offer it if you begrudge it. Unless there's more to this and they are decent parents and grandparents then you should allow for irritations. I'm sure you've bugged them enough times over the years. I do see on here a lack of patience for parents.It makes me sad but your time will come too. On another note it does remind me of Motherland when Julias mum says 'Don't worry about me- the heel of the loaf will be fine' 😁

sunnydayhereandnow · 07/05/2023 11:47

Agree that rather than letting it get to me, I'd just turn the tables and plan on having dinner ready for them too, then if they don't turn up I'm happy I have leftovers - rather than getting annoyed every week that they predictably show up. I'd also feel it is ok to ask them to bring something to contribute, though I wouldn't necessarily do so just for the sake of it, if it was just a normal family dinner and you are not serving wine, or nice dessert, or whatever.

I also used to get annoyed by guests helping themselves to things I was saving for myself (special teabags I got as a present etc) - then I just realised that if something is not for grabs, I just need to put it out of the way while the guests are around.

Starhead69 · 07/05/2023 11:47

Oh they sound annoying. Like Julia’s in laws on motherland.

Make plans for that time instead of earlier in the day.

Whatabouteverything · 07/05/2023 11:50

Aw you sound so fucking mean OP. why not start inviting them for dinner and feeding them? It's once a week - they fed you every day for presumably 18+ years. Least you could do is make them a bit of food once a week.
They're probably too embarrassed to outwardly ask and would rather be invited. Your poor parents. Unless you're on the bones of your arse and can't afford an extra bit of food for 2 people once a week then YABU.

WaltzingWaters · 07/05/2023 11:51

Not unreasonable at all about the dinner. Start going over there at dinner time expecting food. It’s fine if it’s pre planned but annoying when it isn’t.

You were quite rude on the chocolates though if you had no intention of sharing. Eat the biscuits with them and save the chocolates for when you’re on your own.
I mean, it was also rude of your mum to demand you share them, but I wouldn’t get them out at around company at all without intending to share.

unsync · 07/05/2023 11:53

Stop offering food if you don't want to share. You could always ask them to bring something and be less passive. Take control, reverse the parent/child dynamic.

Kenji · 07/05/2023 11:54

When they suggest visiting, ask them to come over later, after you've had dinner.

heretoread81 · 07/05/2023 11:56

Why a nice problem to have.
From a disabled and struggling lone parent of 3, with no family involvement despite them all living 15 mins away and they've not bothered this year so far. Not even on my birthday yesterday. I've given up texting and phoning and they don't bother with me.

ILoveCakeLikeTheToriesLoveRippingTaxPayersOff · 07/05/2023 11:57

My MIL does this it's incredibly rude and she does it every evening. She does nothing for us in return not even have dc for a few hours etc.
I've started putting my foot down and she'd go and help herself to my kitchen, so I purposely have stuff she doesn't like in. Grin if she don't get the hint, she'll be told straight soon enough. I'm not a soup kitchen.

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