To be irritated by my parents always expecting dinner?

we can’t afford to feed two extra adults three times a week wt the moment. It’s getting expensive

Then tell them that and stick to it. They arent magically going to change are they? Stop feeding them. Nothing will change unless you do this. Your mum seems to have no qualms about having no manners so why are you so worried you cant do this?

Don't ask if they have eaten! Just say, really sorry, don't have enough food for you today...feed the kids and leave yours until they have left. Yes, it will be inconvenient but eventually they will go.

You resent sharing food with your parents? yabu

I would be asking them not to turn up unannounced anymore, just say that you don't always feel up to having them over when you have just all been out and that your happy to have them pver if it's arranged in advance especially with the lighter evenings coming in now. Also I'd just be honest and say that you can't keep feeding them every time they come over because of the cost. If you don't feel up to having an honest conversation then tell them your only free in the mornings or something instead of at dinner time. OR maybe you could all pop to their house on your way back from being out? There's lots of ways around it.

Bit of a drip feed as your OP made it sound like it was just at the weekend. If it’s multiple times a week then I can see why you would get annoyed, especially with prices as they are

Time to say happy (if you are) to have you over for food at the weekend but during the week I can only plan for us.

Do they have any financial issues? Maybe they are struggling and know they will get fed if they come to yours

You need to get rid of unspoken expectations by voicing them. So for instance " We're having leftover lasagne for our dinner tonight and we don't have enough for you guys as well, so why don't you come over at 6.30 once we've had our dinner." or get more thick skinned " Oh avocado and prawns sounds nice, we've just enough lasagne for us as didn't think we were giving you dinner. You can make yourself some toast if you like."

I don't understand how can you begrudge your parents food? I'd love to have mine over and if I knew they'd be over every Saturday I'd plan ahead for it and alternate cooking with my mum in advance. It's your PARENTS!!

If it is financial issues, they are hardly likely to be living on avocado with prawns .

Hi mum,

I assume youre coming round this weekend as usual could bring (whatever you need to make a full meal) as I don’t have enough if you and dad are staying for dinner.

ta x

and do the same every week.

this is assuming you want them to come. And when they’re over ask them help with the kids, while you and dh tackle dinner together.

if you want a new dynamic with them you’ll have to create it. They’re in your home which means you can direct to some extent, most parents want to be helpful.

you could also just give them a call and be honest.

I think you were a bit rude to eat chocolates in front of everyone if you didn’t want to share.

Apart from that you are definitely not BU.

What time do you eat your dinner?

Could you ask them to come later say 6? And specifically say why don’t you come after dinner at about 6.

It sounds like they text ahead so I would stick to specific days, perhaps 1 day on the weekend and 1 day in the week.
So if they text saying can they come over tonight (Monday) you can say no we’re busy tonight but you can on Wednesday or Saturday - and keep these days as the only days you’re free.

If it's mainly your mum,have a word with your dad and ask if everything idol with them at home.
Also invite them for tea every fortnight or week and say on the other weeks could they come earlier or later so you can have dinner first/after.
🌈remember they are not just someone but your parents so cherish the time you have.🌈

They came over, I made them tea and laid out some biscuits (their favourite biscuits!) I had a few chocolates left so I went and grabbed one and ate it with my tea. My mum instantly clocked it and siad ‘whats that?’ I said oh DH bought me my fave chocolates the other week, I’m on my last few’ ‘oh, I’ll have one of those rather than a biscuit please, they look much nicer.’ I was like wtf?! Yes I was a bit rude to not offer them one but I only had 3 left and I’d already offered them an assortment of bloody biscuits for gods sake. You just don’t say that sort of thing? She has zero manners and it’s actually starting to grate on me.

Well you were bloody rude to eat something in front of her that you weren't going to share. I'd have saved the chocolates for a time when no-one else was around.

As for the rest, I'm not sure your mum is bad mannered exactly. It seems more like she has problems communicating directly, as do you. She wants dinner at yours but won't say so directly, so puts you in a position where you feel obliged to offer it. You don't want to offer it, but feel obliged to rather than say no, and then you get resentful.

Just tell her. 'It's great to see you mum but with the cost of living crisis, I'm sorry, I can't afford to feed you and dad several times a week. So if you come over at dinner time, please bring something to eat with you. Alternatively, come over at another time of day'. And then stick to it. Don't feed her, however much she hints.

Ok not idol!😀

I really like the idea of asserting yourself but from experience realise this is difficult.
I also like the idea of soup and bread being offered.
I recall as a child, my siblings and I quietly seething as my 'thrifty' nan and grandad turning up at tea time. Our nice tea got redistributed and N+G got a no effort meal.

If it was once a week I'd say to just make something cheap that's easily padded out and stretched, like a chilli or bolognese, but I agree with you it's a problem if they are dropping in 3 or 4 times a week and expecting you to feed them and suck up the increased food bills!

If she's as rude and thick skinned as you say, then the only way to counter that is by being equally blunt! You ought to be able to say that them dropping round and wanting dinner half the week is becoming too expensive for you and stressful, not knowing when they'll just drop in and is messing up your food shop since they clearly expect to be fed! Ask her to come after dinner or on Monday only, for example.

I got around the dropping in without notice (in laws) by asking mil to phone me in advance to arrange a mutually convenient time as sometimes I had friends round for the kids or it wasn't a good time as I was busy.

Fwiw I think she's being a cheeky fucker in just behaving like this is okay - anyone with any social awareness knows this is too much and she is just putting her comfort first.

What I would do, is to say okay, but you and DH don’t eat and say that you can’t afford to feed everyone. Hopefully, she would take the hint. (Obv do eat, but a bit later on).
Would your dc pick up on it and mention it too?

I would just say to her "Look Mum ,I love seeing you and everything ,but sometimes we just have something quick and easy! Maybe sometimes you come over and you could bring something to eat" With COL and everything ,the kids are eating us out of house and home! Maybe she is finding it hard to cook each evening as she is getting on?(Not an excuse for you to feed her though) I think its a little off to stuff nice Choccies in front of her though(maybe eat those later) Are they hard up do you think? Are they claiming pension credit/all they are entitled to?

They are your parents, I presume with the exception of this issue they are decent people? If it always happens on the weekend I would just make a bigger portion of whatever I had planned. If they don’t turn up then you have leftovers

Yup, this. And I wouldn't eat a chocolate from a box unless there were enough for everyone.

Don't ask if they've eaten, don't offer them food. Just say something along the lines of 'Sorry, we're eating our dinner now. Are you going to wait or go home?' If they ask for some say no! There isn't enough, you hadn't planned for cooking for them as you weren't expecting them!
The more you keep offering, the more they'll expect it.
As to the chocolates, I'd have also said no. They are yours, a gift, and have only a couple left.

Could you turn up at their house one day and get her to eke out her meal for 2 to feed an extra family?

I will preface this by saying that I've only written this based entirely on the OP's opening post - I will go back and read the rest of the thread once I've posted this.

@Chanelsunnies - you have a few options here.
Option 1 is to continue to feed them and whatever feeling you have about that will have to be yours and you don't mention anything to your parents about how they are eating you out of house & home.
Option 2 is to stop providing food for them when they say they have eaten. Just feed your own family with whatever you're about to dish up.
Option 3 is to have something like bread rolls or a sliced pan and cold meats so that they can fix themselves a sandwich if they are hungry.
Option 4 continue to feed them but have a word with them about how it's adding to your bills and you'd prefer if they either had their substantial meal before they visit you so you can provide a snack for them
Option 5 have your substantial meal before you go out for the day and then when you get home and they time their visit to match that, you're only having a light snack yourself.

Are they having financial difficulties which might mean they don't want to use their cooker/spending money on expensive (to them) meals?

If you are certain they are not struggling financially, then yes they are expecting too much.

I would roll up at their house before they have chance to come to yours, and say "We thought we'd come to you for a change. What are you cooking?"

How many hot dinners would you estimate your parents have given you in your lifetime?

That's why your mother has expectations.

Your mother is doing this rather forcefully though, and I’m sorry.

When my parents used to visit. I'd cook for us, then make them a sandwhich. I wouldn't cook for all of us, because I'd never have enough. Just make a sandwhich for them. It was kinda your fault to offer a quiche! It won't hurt them to eat toast or a sarnie.

I've read some awful things on mumsnet but this truly is the worst.