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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Note from MNHQ: please note OP's post @ 19.08 on 22 Jan. The OP has admitted this is a reverse but we are leaving this thread up so they continue to receive advice. Inheritance money - AIBU to be p*ssed off?

546 replies

snoozum · 21/01/2023 02:38

What should my FIL do?
Background: my DH's parents divorced when he was a child, and years later FIL met and married his second wife. Second wife had two small children already, who called FIL "dad", although they were not his by blood. After 25 years of marriage, FIL and his second wife divorced fairly acrimoniously. The divorce courts ruled that FIL and ex-wife #2 must split their assets 50:50, with FIL allowed to keep anything that was his before the marriage. FIL worked extremely hard throughout the marriage and financially contributed massively more, with the ex-wife only working full-time for around 5-6 years. FIL was able to stay in the matrimonial home by paying ex-wife #2 50% of its value. Fast-forward 5 years and ex-wife #2 passed away without a will. The son of ex-wife #2 struggled with her death and so his children (his own wife had died a few years previously) went to live with FIL (their grandfather) temporarily. However, before any inheritance was claimed, the son also died. Ex-wife #2 died with most of the money she received in the divorce, in the bank. The ex-wife #2's daughter, who doesn't have children, has therefore inherited all of ex-wife #2's money, which in reality is pretty much all of my FIL's money. My FIL is now bringing up the grandchildren, therefore my DH and my FIL's thoughts are that the daughter should give all of this money back to FIL. However, she has only given back 50% of it. AIBU to think she should give FIL 100% of it, as it was his money to begin with?

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 21/01/2023 06:33

snoozum · 21/01/2023 03:34

The children's mother died a few years before their father. The daughter (their aunt) has terminal cancer and is too unwell to look after the children herself.

So FIL is pressuring a dying woman and you all think that's ok, thats telling. What happened to all FILs other money? After all he got 50% of the marital assets plus the assets he had on entering the marriage. I hope Aunty puts that money in trust when she goes so at least her mum's grandkids get some of it.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 21/01/2023 06:34

If DH's mum dies will he be hanging his inheritance over to his dad?

renonovice · 21/01/2023 06:35

t is morally reprehensible to steal their money and spend it on their upbringing. It is the guardians responsibility to finance their upbringing by whatever means, including benefits if need be. They have no moral or legal right to access the children’s own money.

I think that's a grey area particularly as the FIL is a pensioner raising them. Would it be better to put the month in the trust & put the dc into care & they can access the money later?

Uninterestedfamily · 21/01/2023 06:37

Can you explain why the children didn't get their 50% in the first place, as per the law, instead of 100% going to their aunt?

renonovice · 21/01/2023 06:38

he’s on low income he can claim benefits for them which is enough to cover living costs.

Is it?

He can also do equity release.

That is a dreadful idea

Emanresu9 · 21/01/2023 06:39

Sounds fair. 50% is what her brothers share was and she’s given it to FIL for the kids.

the other 50% was her mums and so therefore is hers to keep.

renonovice · 21/01/2023 06:39

Nobody has done anything right by those children who cannot act for themselves.

I think the FIL taking on his grandchildren is doing something right.

yousmellnice · 21/01/2023 06:40

Hang on? She's terminally ill as well?

You're so nasty if you join in with this.

autienotnaughty · 21/01/2023 06:40

Very sorry for all these losses. Did ex wife2 have a will? Unless stated differently I would have thought the sons share (50%) would have gone to the children? But as she has given 50% fil could put this in a trust for children? Unless he needs it to raise them. It's sounds like ex wife daughter has been very fair.

yousmellnice · 21/01/2023 06:41

Emanresu9 · 21/01/2023 06:39

Sounds fair. 50% is what her brothers share was and she’s given it to FIL for the kids.

the other 50% was her mums and so therefore is hers to keep.

Sounds decent of her

Noicant · 21/01/2023 06:41

God the poor kids, YABVU.

Andypandy799 · 21/01/2023 06:42

Dragonsmother · 21/01/2023 05:53

I maybe wrong how I have interpreted this.
Aunt got 100%, passed 50% to your FIL.
FIL is struggling and needs £ to look after children. Yet FIL has ££.
Is one side scared that FIL will spend all ££ on kids and there will be nothing left for them to inherit.

100% this grabby as fk

BananaSpanner · 21/01/2023 06:42

magicthree · 21/01/2023 06:20

FIL sounds like a nasty piece of work! I've been through grabby relatives contesting wills, it is not pretty. The money does not belong to FIL, it was distributed fairly at the time of the divorce, he can't demand it back now. As a pp said, if people want to hang onto all their money then they should stay single,

He doesn’t sound a nasty piece of work. He’s lost his step son and is now raising his grandchildren at a time of life where he planned to be enjoying his retirement and is worried about the financials.
Maybe he is also concerned about who is going to financially support those kids should he die before they reach adulthood.
The aunt should be able to enjoy her money as she wishes whilst alive but I would like to think that between her and the grandfather they come up with a plan for the financial future of the kids after she dies.

The amount of deaths in this family tho…the aunt has buried her mum, brother and sister in law and is now terminally ill.

renonovice · 21/01/2023 06:43

Sounds decent of her

Surely 50% should have gone to the brother?

DaveyJonesLocker · 21/01/2023 06:44

snoozum · 21/01/2023 03:34

The children's mother died a few years before their father. The daughter (their aunt) has terminal cancer and is too unwell to look after the children herself.

He's harassing a dying woman for her mothers inheritance?
I think he's just seeing the kids as a cash cow.

If she was loaded with 50% -his existing assets then he is bloody rolling in it.

HotDogJumpingFrogHaveACookie · 21/01/2023 06:45

Hang on a minute. This woman has lost her mum and brother within a short period and has terminal cancer, and your father is mithering her over money that isn't his and that he has no right to, morally or legally?

And you support this? I feel you're directing your anger towards the wrong person in all of this.

MountainSnow · 21/01/2023 06:45

This sounds dodgy. Sounds like the money should have been held in trust for the children (assuming they inherited). A trust can be set up to pay out for education and other purposes beneficial for the children (eg housing).

If the children did inherit their fathers money, it is possible that a constructive trust arises in law meaning FIL will need to show he has administered the funds for the benefit of the children and can be held to account for mis-managing funds.

Was a professional involved in administration of the estates?

I am also raising an eyebrow at FIL’s apparent impecunity - if FIL is astute enough to set up a profitable investment vehicle and received 50% of what appear to be substantial assets in the divorce (has has seemingly received 50% of other daughters’ inheritance), I wonder why he is now so short of money he needs to deprive the children of their inheritance.

Aprilx · 21/01/2023 06:48

renonovice · 21/01/2023 06:35

t is morally reprehensible to steal their money and spend it on their upbringing. It is the guardians responsibility to finance their upbringing by whatever means, including benefits if need be. They have no moral or legal right to access the children’s own money.

I think that's a grey area particularly as the FIL is a pensioner raising them. Would it be better to put the month in the trust & put the dc into care & they can access the money later?

No it is absolutely not a grey area. It is black and white in law. That money belongs to those orphaned children and it should be in a trust until they are of age.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/01/2023 06:49

renonovice · 21/01/2023 06:39

Nobody has done anything right by those children who cannot act for themselves.

I think the FIL taking on his grandchildren is doing something right.

Yeah. Everyone slagging off the FIL is bonkers. He's stuck rearing the children late in life; the least their aunt could do is return the wealth that he created, to help with the costs. She should make a will leaving her estate to him.

Campervangirl · 21/01/2023 06:49

It's not FIL money, it's exw#2 money she received in her divorce from him.
Draw a mental line under that.
Exw#2 children would normally inherit from her.
If her ds died after exw#2 died half the inheritance goes to the ds's dc as they are now inheriting through their df.
The dd inherited all the money but has given 50% back to fil for the grandchildren / dc of her deceased brother.
Your fil has no rights to that money, it's the grandchildren's money now and he has no right to ask dd to return the other 50%.
It was her dm's money regardless of where it came from and let's face it, it came from a long (25yr) marriage, even if she didn't work as you claim, they were married and in a partnership.
Now your fil is putting pressure on the dd to give back money that's not his but legally is hers plus she's got cancer, did I read that right?
Shame on your fil, it's not his money

TodayInahurry · 21/01/2023 06:50

It shows it is important to write a will, especially when your family is complicated

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/01/2023 06:52

MountainSnow · 21/01/2023 06:45

This sounds dodgy. Sounds like the money should have been held in trust for the children (assuming they inherited). A trust can be set up to pay out for education and other purposes beneficial for the children (eg housing).

If the children did inherit their fathers money, it is possible that a constructive trust arises in law meaning FIL will need to show he has administered the funds for the benefit of the children and can be held to account for mis-managing funds.

Was a professional involved in administration of the estates?

I am also raising an eyebrow at FIL’s apparent impecunity - if FIL is astute enough to set up a profitable investment vehicle and received 50% of what appear to be substantial assets in the divorce (has has seemingly received 50% of other daughters’ inheritance), I wonder why he is now so short of money he needs to deprive the children of their inheritance.

See, with all of these suspicions and aspersions cast at FIL, he should just wash his hands of the matter. Turn the kids over to care and enjoy his retirement.

He's the only one stepping up so far, yet so many are quick to insult him.

However much wealth he has, he's not obliged to exhaust it on unrelated children who aren't his responsibility.

renonovice · 21/01/2023 06:52

@Aprilx but even if it's in a trust can't the FIL access it to help raise them?

I certainly know if my mum ended up looking after my own dc she would need considerable financial help due to her own health needs & circumstances to give my dc a good life. I would rather that as opposed to them going into care though 🤷🏻‍♀️

emptythelitterbox · 21/01/2023 06:53

How old are the grandchildren?

AngelDelightUK · 21/01/2023 06:54

How old are the children?

I can understand FILs point of view, he took the children in because their Dad was struggling and wasn’t expecting his step-son to die.

The poor children probably wonder what’s going on. Did everyone die of different things? It’s a lot of deaths