Page 22 | Note from MNHQ: please note OP's post @ 19.08 on 22 Jan. The OP has admitted this is a reverse but we are leaving this thread up so they continue to receive advice. Inheritance money - AIBU to be p*ssed off?

snoozum · 2023-01-21T02:38:54+00:00

What should my FIL do? Background: my DH's parents divorced when he was a child, and years later FIL met and married his second wife. Second wife had two small children already, who called FIL "dad", although they were not his by blood. After 25 years of marriage, FIL and his second wife divorced fairly acrimoniously. The divorce courts ruled that FIL and ex-wife #2 must split their assets 50:50, with FIL allowed to keep anything that was his before the marriage. FIL worked extremely hard throughout the marriage and financially contributed massively more, with the ex-wife only working full-time for around 5-6 years. FIL was able to stay in the matrimonial home by paying ex-wife #2 50% of its value. Fast-forward 5 years and ex-wife #2 passed away without a will. The son of ex-wife #2 struggled with her death and so his children (his own wife had died a few years previously) went to live with FIL (their grandfather) temporarily. However, before any inheritance was claimed, the son also died. Ex-wife #2 died with most of the money she received in the divorce, in the bank. The ex-wife #2's daughter, who doesn't have children, has therefore inherited all of ex-wife #2's money, which in reality is pretty much all of my FIL's money. My FIL is now bringing up the grandchildren, therefore my DH and my FIL's thoughts are that the daughter should give all of this money back to FIL. However, she has only given back 50% of it. AIBU to think she should give FIL 100% of it, as it was his money to begin with?

Bellalalala · 22/01/2023 21:10

MademoiselleTrunchbull · 22/01/2023 20:39

Where in inheritance law does it say you must have contributed to earning it? Do you think that about all inheritance? The receiver must have contributed to earning it.

I'm not talking about the law. I'm talking about where one person works much harder and yet still splits it evenly. Honestly speaking, I do think it's pretty unfair unless the other has facilitated their career. Whether the ex wife was still a SAHM after 25 years of marriage is pretty doubtful, but I'm talking more in general.

Op said she worked full time for 5 or 6 years.

She very well may have worked part time. But legally (and morally) you don’t get to marry someone, decide to work as a team and agree for them to stay at home and look after the home, then decide later that actually you don’t want to share money. Morally that’s a piss poor way to behave.

Even if the mother didn’t work in an employed role, how do you know he worked harder?

MademoiselleTrunchbull · 22/01/2023 21:24

Bellalalala · 22/01/2023 21:10

Op said she worked full time for 5 or 6 years.

She very well may have worked part time. But legally (and morally) you don’t get to marry someone, decide to work as a team and agree for them to stay at home and look after the home, then decide later that actually you don’t want to share money. Morally that’s a piss poor way to behave.

Even if the mother didn’t work in an employed role, how do you know he worked harder?

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Well, depends if 'working as a team' involves the man working his arse off while the wife sits on hers.

She may have worked just as hard in a non employed role but it's unlikely if she wasn't still a SAHM. Ultimately, we don't know. Maybe she was single handedly running an international charity all those years or volunteering eight hours a day.

Original poster

snoozum · 22/01/2023 21:40

Iceicebabytoocold · 22/01/2023 20:29

OP why did you not declare your brother had children? You should have been asked this by the solicitor.

I DID declare that my brother had children, along with their ages. I have no desire to do my own neices out of any inheritance. It’s the last thing I can do for them on this Earth. At the time all I wanted is for my brothers share to go towards their upbringing. I was not aware I had done anything untoward in giving the money to their guardian. I shouldn’t have accepted the loan back from this money, but my feelings were that my father would “owe” this to the GC instead of me. I had previously told my father that so long as he left the amount owed to my husband in his will, I could live without the money. And like I said, I took no money for the cost of both funerals from the inheritance so they have more in this sense.
There has been a line confusion over the assets from his first marriage. He took on the debts and gave ex-wife #1 the house and all it’s equity . So he COULD have walked away with more from his first marriage, but didn’t. This is what my mother couldn’t understand; why he gave up so much to his first wife and why he resented my own mum having anything at all. I can tell you my mum earned every penny!

OP posts:

Original poster

snoozum · 22/01/2023 21:53

MademoiselleTrunchbull · 22/01/2023 21:24

Well, depends if 'working as a team' involves the man working his arse off while the wife sits on hers.

She may have worked just as hard in a non employed role but it's unlikely if she wasn't still a SAHM. Ultimately, we don't know. Maybe she was single handedly running an international charity all those years or volunteering eight hours a day.

Show quote history

My mother worked part time and on night shifts when we were younger, dropping three children at 3 different schools at one point and keeping the home immaculate. We all had home cooked meals in an evening, clean ironed clothes, and there was never a family birthday or anniversary forgotten. When we were older she worked full time. She certainly never ever sat on her arse. Until she had the asthma attack and cardiac arrest that killed her. Then she had a nice 3 day rest in intensive care before we had to turn off her life support.

OP posts:

GlassBunion · 22/01/2023 22:00

Greed begets greed.

I think Agatha Christie should be brought in to this scenario.

MademoiselleTrunchbull · 22/01/2023 22:01

snoozum · 22/01/2023 21:53

My mother worked part time and on night shifts when we were younger, dropping three children at 3 different schools at one point and keeping the home immaculate. We all had home cooked meals in an evening, clean ironed clothes, and there was never a family birthday or anniversary forgotten. When we were older she worked full time. She certainly never ever sat on her arse. Until she had the asthma attack and cardiac arrest that killed her. Then she had a nice 3 day rest in intensive care before we had to turn off her life support.

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Fair enough. As I said, I was talking more generally. The quote below made me wonder whether you were saying she wasn't wholly deserving in your eyes.

FIL worked extremely hard throughout the marriage and financially contributed massively more, with the ex-wife only working full-time for around 5-6 years.

Nimbostratus100 · 22/01/2023 22:25

op 💐

edwinbear · 22/01/2023 22:25

OP I’m so sorry your so unwell, your family have had more than their fair share of awful luck. You really shouldn’t be having to deal with all this whilst you’re so unwell and your ‘father’ is vile for heaping all this pressure on you.

I think you should seek some proper legal advice as part of organising your affairs and see what can and should be done to ensure everything is in order. Please also give some thought as to arranging someone who will advocate properly for the children. They will need an adult who is separate to all the history and emotion, to protect their best interests.

You might also like to leave a ‘timeline’ or letter for them, explaining everything from your perspective as they may well have questions when they are older. My dad did something similar to this before he died, in relation to some complicated financial affairs I now manage on behalf of his aunt. It has been an enormous help to me.

I truly hope that you can get things in order and find some peace at such a difficult time for you all.

emptythelitterbox · 22/01/2023 22:55

snoozum · 22/01/2023 21:53

My mother worked part time and on night shifts when we were younger, dropping three children at 3 different schools at one point and keeping the home immaculate. We all had home cooked meals in an evening, clean ironed clothes, and there was never a family birthday or anniversary forgotten. When we were older she worked full time. She certainly never ever sat on her arse. Until she had the asthma attack and cardiac arrest that killed her. Then she had a nice 3 day rest in intensive care before we had to turn off her life support.

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Please ignore this poster. There are plenty of bitter men on here.

Original poster

snoozum · 22/01/2023 23:02

edwinbear · 22/01/2023 22:25

OP I’m so sorry your so unwell, your family have had more than their fair share of awful luck. You really shouldn’t be having to deal with all this whilst you’re so unwell and your ‘father’ is vile for heaping all this pressure on you.

I think you should seek some proper legal advice as part of organising your affairs and see what can and should be done to ensure everything is in order. Please also give some thought as to arranging someone who will advocate properly for the children. They will need an adult who is separate to all the history and emotion, to protect their best interests.

You might also like to leave a ‘timeline’ or letter for them, explaining everything from your perspective as they may well have questions when they are older. My dad did something similar to this before he died, in relation to some complicated financial affairs I now manage on behalf of his aunt. It has been an enormous help to me.

I truly hope that you can get things in order and find some peace at such a difficult time for you all.

Great advice , I will definitely do this. Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

snoozum · 22/01/2023 23:13

emptythelitterbox · 22/01/2023 22:55

Please ignore this poster. There are plenty of bitter men on here.

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Ha, I realised shortly after their divorce that by only getting 50% my mum was massively short changed! As others have said, whilst my mum earned less than my dad, it was her hard work and organisation that allowed him to be as financially successful as he was.

OP posts:

MademoiselleTrunchbull · 23/01/2023 00:10

I only read the first post before commenting so seems I've got the wrong idea. I read it that your dad had put in the lion's share of the work and you felt it unfair that he'd lost so much of his money.

As I said, my comments were more in general. I'm more talking about women like my ex boss's wife. He married his mother's nurse and she stopped working shortly afterwards and pretty much lived the life of riley. Boozy lunches with her mates and driving round in the porsche he bought her or their shared Bentley continental.

She divorced him five years later and walked away with about five million. She's now living in Spain with a younger man. I almost feel like in cases like this the reimbursement should just be equal to the likely lost earnings of not having worked. No way would she have become a millionaire in those five years had she continued nursing, and she'd already spent a ludicrous amount on his credit cards when together. Women like her give the rest of us a bad name.

MademoiselleTrunchbull · 23/01/2023 00:11

Sorry, meant your FIL not your father.

Bellalalala · 23/01/2023 05:00

MademoiselleTrunchbull · 22/01/2023 21:24

Well, depends if 'working as a team' involves the man working his arse off while the wife sits on hers.

She may have worked just as hard in a non employed role but it's unlikely if she wasn't still a SAHM. Ultimately, we don't know. Maybe she was single handedly running an international charity all those years or volunteering eight hours a day.

Show quote history

Exactly we don’t know. So why default to ‘she did fuck all’.

Morally and legally it’s her money and if he didn’t like it, he could have left far earlier. Or not married her at all.

Jesus wept. Personally, I won’t get married as I don’t want to share assets. But it’s a dick move to get married spend 25 years together then moan about having to split the assets when you were fine with the set up when it suited you.

He isn’t a victim. He made choices

Iceicebabytoocold · 23/01/2023 07:22

It does not matter if the ex wife worked, earned her keep etc it does not matter as she was awarded 50% in the divorce settlement…. This is about 2 children who have been left without parents and some how, which OP has not explained, have had their dad’s inheritance taken from them.

OP you need to get legal advice asap, urgently, their money need to be allocated to them regardless of what has happened in the past.

WilsonMilson · 23/01/2023 07:47

Legally speaking, if the ex wife’s ds died after she did, he would have already inherited from the ex wife. His estate would have passed to his children in the event of intestacy.
Therefore the grandchildren should have inherited their father’s estate. How did the sister end up with 100% of it? I see she has given up 50%, but I’m confused about why she got all of it?

In any case you are being totally unreasonable.

Jarstastic · 23/01/2023 09:35

snoozum · 22/01/2023 21:40

I DID declare that my brother had children, along with their ages. I have no desire to do my own neices out of any inheritance. It’s the last thing I can do for them on this Earth. At the time all I wanted is for my brothers share to go towards their upbringing. I was not aware I had done anything untoward in giving the money to their guardian. I shouldn’t have accepted the loan back from this money, but my feelings were that my father would “owe” this to the GC instead of me. I had previously told my father that so long as he left the amount owed to my husband in his will, I could live without the money. And like I said, I took no money for the cost of both funerals from the inheritance so they have more in this sense.
There has been a line confusion over the assets from his first marriage. He took on the debts and gave ex-wife #1 the house and all it’s equity . So he COULD have walked away with more from his first marriage, but didn’t. This is what my mother couldn’t understand; why he gave up so much to his first wife and why he resented my own mum having anything at all. I can tell you my mum earned every penny!

Show quote history

Possibly guilt about leaving his wife and biological children. Whilst maybe feeling with the second wife taking on and supporting her 3 children.

in regards to the finances now, I don’t know the law of this but a pp indicated just needs to be in trust not necessarily held in a formal trust account. Ie can’t form part of his estate and he should be able to prove it went to the children needs.

From what you say the funeral costs may have been more than the loan. it’s probably worth working out the sums and sharing the information. It’s not fair for the GC to have the loan deducted from their share and sadly you can’t oversee what happens. However It’s reasonable the funeral costs deducted from the respective estates before distribution.

have they got next of kin from their mother’s side?

MRex · 23/01/2023 12:17

Sorry to hear you are.in this situation OP.
Write all the figures down and see a solicitor, then have them draft a letter to advise your step-dad of the figures due for the boys, how it needs to be held in trust and how to account for expenses. Have the solicitor draft a formal letter for him to accept he will take on management of the trust for the boys. If he agrees, then share the paperwork with the 16yo DN to check on funds at 18, and leave copies with your DH for the younger one. If he refuses then you'll need to take steps to recover the money from him to set up the trust.
Do what you want with your inheritance, if you feel your DH should have it then that's your choice.

Schnooze · 24/01/2023 12:04

With the new info my original stance remains unchanged.

50% to the aunt and the other 50% for the kids. Now how to ensure that they get enough of that for use when they are adults. Agreed some should be for their upbringing.

Schnooze · 24/01/2023 12:08

Oh and the op should leave her share to her dh.

LeapingCat · 24/01/2023 13:42

OP have you ever consulted a solicitor in administering the estates of your mum and brother? Because you have done some illegal things which will absolutely leave your own estate open to challenge. It sounds like you haven’t applied for probate? And you didn’t distribute your mum’s estate in line with the inheritance act, though the 50% gift you have given does cover that it was never yours to give as a gift.

Your DH will be eligible for the bereavement support payment lump sum and monthly payment for 18 months.