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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How deprived do you have to be to move in a man into your home a day of ‘knowing’ him on Facebook? *[Content warning: concerns child abuse]

442 replies

EddyF · 04/04/2023 19:05

When you have children? Why isn’t the wider conversation in the media about the why/causes and PREVENTIONS of mothers doing this not being discussed on a wider platform? In the below case, again it’s the fault of SS and not the mother who moved a man from online to her home. It’s beyond sickening and I genuinely have no sympathy for any of these so called mothers. I don’t care about these men because it’s not hard to keep them out of your home/children’s lives.

This country has resources for when you can’t cope with your children. You can even give them up. These women behave as if they can’t date safely and that it’s completely natural to take in any old scruff even a murderous one into your children’s lives. It’s like they have never heard of the concept of dating partners NOT meeting your kids for a length of time UNTIL you can access a situation?

Not all these mums that do this are mentally challenged.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/lola-morgan-dyfedpowys-police-adhd-pembrokeshire-b2313875.html

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11937439/Mother-monster-boyfriend-guilty-death-two-year-old-girl.html

Timeline in death of two-year-old Lola James

Lola suffered 101 bruises and scratches to her body, damage to both her eyes and extensive brain damage in the early hours of July 17 2020.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/lola-morgan-dyfedpowys-police-adhd-pembrokeshire-b2313875.html

OP posts:
Original poster
EddyF · 04/04/2023 19:07

*assess.

m The timeline of events is so crazy in this story.

OP posts:
OhcantthInkofaname · 04/04/2023 19:13

Not deprived - DERANGED!

chevvyroo · 04/04/2023 19:14

Depraved?

Hellocatshome · 04/04/2023 19:15

Do you mean depraved?

1treehilll · 04/04/2023 19:17

I wouldn't say depraved I would think the mother is quite ill herself, possibly has low IQ from neonatal drug use or FAS. Poor little girl, RIP.

I was just googling and I found a study
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/6609753/
It says 17% of serious abuse is by stepdads and 2% by bio dads. I cringe so much when single mums want to introduce stranger men to their children or call them partner after knowing them 5 minutes. I knew a woman who went from 'partner' to partner, I'm talking questionable men she met online or wherever and she would involve her child so early on letting them babysit, everything. Her own mother was doing the same with her and she has multiple half siblings, moved around loads. Very unstable childhood is what she knew.
I want to say:
If when you were the youngest and probably the best looking in your life and child free this is the best man you ended up landing to have children with him, and it turned out shit so you separated, don't you think you should stay single and work on whatever it is that made this a failed relationship or marriage instead of jumping back to trying to date men? Yes I get you miss sex or the sex with your husband isn't great. Why do you think you could get better without doing some major work on yourself because clearly abuse magnet?
It's just terrible. This is why I think when you become a parent, your sexual and romantic life doesn't matter. You chose to bring a child to the world, they are your priority. It doesn't matter if you're lonely. Tough shit! Because the dangers are real. There are some seriously disturbed men targeting damaged single mothers for access to their children.

The prevalence and seriousness of incestuous abuse: stepfathers vs. biological fathers - PubMed

Analysis of interviews obtained from a random sample of 930 adult women in San Francisco revealed that 17% or one out of approximately every six women who had a stepfather as a principal figure in her childhood years, was sexually abused by him. The co...

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/6609753

CalistoNoSolo · 04/04/2023 19:17

Depraved not deprived.

Some people really shouldn't be allowed to have children.

EddyF · 04/04/2023 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

1treehilll · 04/04/2023 19:21

Come on guys you all knew she meant depraved don't be so pedantic it's a very very sad story

Original poster
EddyF · 04/04/2023 19:22

I guess this whole thread is going to be filled with correction of one word rather than the topic at hand of a child murdered. DEPRAVED.

OP posts:
Yerroblemom1923 · 04/04/2023 19:22

I can't even read the whole link I feel sick to the stomach.

OlympicProcrastinator · 04/04/2023 19:23

EddyF · 04/04/2023 19:05

When you have children? Why isn’t the wider conversation in the media about the why/causes and PREVENTIONS of mothers doing this not being discussed on a wider platform? In the below case, again it’s the fault of SS and not the mother who moved a man from online to her home. It’s beyond sickening and I genuinely have no sympathy for any of these so called mothers. I don’t care about these men because it’s not hard to keep them out of your home/children’s lives.

This country has resources for when you can’t cope with your children. You can even give them up. These women behave as if they can’t date safely and that it’s completely natural to take in any old scruff even a murderous one into your children’s lives. It’s like they have never heard of the concept of dating partners NOT meeting your kids for a length of time UNTIL you can access a situation?

Not all these mums that do this are mentally challenged.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/lola-morgan-dyfedpowys-police-adhd-pembrokeshire-b2313875.html

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11937439/Mother-monster-boyfriend-guilty-death-two-year-old-girl.html

That timeline is absolutely crazy. So many chances to see that abuse was occurring. The ‘mother’ was absolutely useless and there is no way she couldn’t be aware what was happening.

I think it needs to be MUCH easier to give up your children. There are so many children living with parents who, when realising what parenting actually involves, do not want to do it, are not able to do it and are not willing to put their children’s needs before their own. Yet the children are stuck there, in squalid homes while their useless parents prioritise shitty relationships over them.

There has been a steady stream of these horror stories since lockdown especially. It would be cheaper to have large children’s homes you could abandon your kids at than the amount of social work, police work, hospital work and other services that have to pick up the pieces.

And even though ‘large children’s homes you could abandon your kids in’ sounds grim, in all of these cases it would have been infinitely better than the horrific ends these poor children met.

1treehilll · 04/04/2023 19:23

@Yerroblemom1923 honestly dont I'm watching the news and yeah it's awful. maybe hide the thread. so upsetting.

Original poster
EddyF · 04/04/2023 19:23

1treehilll · 04/04/2023 19:21

Come on guys you all knew she meant depraved don't be so pedantic it's a very very sad story

Lol I have been here too long. They will mimic themselves to death. So predictable.

OP posts:
Emigratingimmigrant · 04/04/2023 19:23

1treehilll · 04/04/2023 19:21

Come on guys you all knew she meant depraved don't be so pedantic it's a very very sad story

It actually does make difference because it could be both in that sense. So yes, clarification was actually good

JaneFondue · 04/04/2023 19:24

I wish I hadn't read that. Just the most terrible thing.

Yerroblemom1923 · 04/04/2023 19:24

When people stop putting their children first that's when it goes wrong. There shouldn't be anyone more important than that little person you've brought into the world. Breaks my heart.

BlusteryLake · 04/04/2023 19:25

I do wonder what it is that causes these mothers to make such blatantly horrendous choices. Is it craving attention (any kind, even from a repugnant bully)? Some kind of financial stability? Awful childhood themselves? It just seems to keep on happening.

Original poster
EddyF · 04/04/2023 19:26

I also think that her friend could have reported as she saw the murderer a few days/weeks ago being extremely rough with the child in the buggy. Same friend saw the child with bruising all over her legs in the park.

That mother just didn’t care. How many accidents did the child have with him? Mother also woke up on the night of the murder and went back to sleep.

OP posts:
MeinKraft · 04/04/2023 19:29

YANBU. When my parents divorced my mum moved in an abusive partner. I don't blame her - she was vulnerable and did get rid of him in the end. But I learned a lesson from that. If my kids dad and I ever split I would be single forever rather than move a man into a home with my children.

AgnesX · 04/04/2023 19:30

An academic some years ago got fired for making a comment along the lines of there should be contraception in the water supply.

Sometimes I think he had a point.

Clymene · 04/04/2023 19:31

Can we please just agree that we take a hard line as a community on women introducing/moving their new boyfriends into their homes?

It has to become absolutely socially unacceptable.

DiscoBeat · 04/04/2023 19:33

Tragically some women just don't have that fierce protective trait that should stop a monster like that coming anywhere near. Such a dangerous union when these people find each other. Poor little girl ❤️

AnonymousA1 · 04/04/2023 19:34

You are an absolute cunt if you do this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/04/2023 19:37

My DSC’s mum met someone online, introduced the kids to him 3 days later, moved him a couple more days after that and he was picking them up from school.

Shockingly it didn’t last.

Thankfully he was a loser not a child abuser.

Some people are just fucking stupid.

SidewaysOtter · 04/04/2023 19:39

I have a friend who did something not entirely dissimilar. Not as quick as the same day, but she moved an extremely dodgy man in with her and her children when she’d only known for a short time. I won’t go into the details incase she’s on here and recognises herself, but he ended up in prison and she lost custody of her children.

Why did she do it? After growing up with appalling abuse, she was desperate for someone to love her.