Page 6 | How deprived do you have to be to move in a man into your home a day of ‘knowing’ him on Facebook? *[Content warning: concerns child abuse]

EddyF · 2023-04-04T18:05:40+00:00

When you have children? Why isn’t the wider conversation in the media about the why/causes and PREVENTIONS of mothers doing this not being discussed on a wider platform? In the below case, again it’s the fault of SS and not the mother who moved a man from online to her home. It’s beyond sickening and I genuinely have no sympathy for any of these so called mothers. I don’t care about these men because it’s not hard to keep them out of your home/children’s lives. This country has resources for when you can’t cope with your children. You can even give them up. These women behave as if they can’t date safely and that it’s completely natural to take in any old scruff even a murderous one into your children’s lives. It’s like they have never heard of the concept of dating partners NOT meeting your kids for a length of time UNTIL you can access a situation? Not all these mums that do this are mentally challenged. [[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/lola-morgan-dyfedpowys-police-adhd-pembrokeshire-b2313875.html https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/lola-morgan-dyfedpowys-police-adhd-pembrokeshire-b2313875.html]] [[https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11937439/Mother-monster-boyfriend-guilty-death-two-year-old-girl.html https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11937439/Mother-monster-boyfriend-guilty-death-two-year-old-girl.html]]

OhMyCherriePie · 04/04/2023 21:46

PortmeirionTiles · 04/04/2023 21:40

I had that, a man suggested he come over for a cup of tea. I said no, my daughter is home (I would have said no anyway - the very idea!) and he said why does that matter? As if I’d want to teach my children to invite random men into our home; the idea is laughable.
Also a couple of men who suggested coming to my house after my children were in bed. 🤢

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Exactly. I.wouldn't even invite a man I've just met over to my home if I didn't have kids never mind when I do?! Apparently I could meet him at soft play instead 🙄 do people.really do this!! I guess they do as "anyone can harm a child so why wait" ,🤦

ConstanceOcean · 04/04/2023 21:48

One of the most harrowing things I’ve ever read was when a mum went out to a pub and brought back a man who tied her up and then repeatedly raped her 2 children and enjoyed her hearing them scream and cry whilst she couldn’t help them.

Whats worse is that he’d been in prison for depraved acts before and the judge said how dangerous he was - then why tf was he let out!

This was a few years ago now and I haven’t even been able to date, let alone bring any man into my home since then.

I am at the stage where I’m thinking of dating again and I can’t see a time where I’d have someone stay overnight and definitely not move in.

Supersimkin2 · 04/04/2023 21:48

There aren’t really any excuses good enough for this ‘mother’.

It might be an idea to charge these women with murder, using law similar to the way that joint enterprise works. You might not wield the knife yourself, but you enabled the killing to take place and you chose not to stop it = murder. Not neglect or anything milder.

LadyKenya · 04/04/2023 21:48

userxx · 04/04/2023 21:33

There are no excuses for a woman allowing this to happen to her child. Absolutely none.

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Maybe you missed the part where I said there are reasons as to why some women are unable to stop the abuse. I never claimed to excuse anybody. Take it as you will, you have done so anyway.

1Week · 04/04/2023 21:48

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 04/04/2023 21:46

The stats are high for step fathers but all experts agree that there are not enough studies around about how paternal violence affects kids in households where the parents are still together.

Unfortunately someone who has grown up with abuse, whether this was as a member of a 2 parent family or a separated one, is ill equipped to find themselves a safe partner as they have normalised abuse and control.

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Thanks - that's informative.

SparkyBlue · 04/04/2023 21:49

Merryoldgoat · 04/04/2023 21:03

What sort of 'mother' prioritises her love life over her child?

Plenty. It’s all over these boards. Not to the same degree, but it’s constant.

Pregnant to men who treat them and their children badly

Kids desperately reacting against a new partner but ‘don’t let them dictate-you deserve to be happy’

Babies with multiple men in a very short time frame.

This situation is just a very extreme example of where this can end.

I agree with this. We see it often on MN. Women who are having problems with their "new partner " when the new partner is actually some man they've only known a wet week and most other women would still be referring to him as their new boyfriend or the guy they have started seeing. These women are so scared of being single they will welcome any man regardless of how many red flags there are being waved at them. It's an awful way to live.

Emigratingimmigrant · 04/04/2023 21:49

LadyKenya · 04/04/2023 21:48

Maybe you missed the part where I said there are reasons as to why some women are unable to stop the abuse. I never claimed to excuse anybody. Take it as you will, you have done so anyway.

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The thimg is that they have all the power for it not to even start, especially in these cases. Just don't bring strange men home.

SwimmingAgainstTheTides · 04/04/2023 21:50

Bottom line is a lot of women can't manage without a man in their lives. Simple as that
You can tell from all the claptrap on the response posts where the OP is seeking approval for introducing kids to new partner.
"You deserve to be happy, You deserve a life, etc etc. Patronising, damaging bullshit like that's the only way to live. Most women are totally blind and ignorant to the fact it is possible to live a happy way of life single, but it also takes a lot of courage and emotionally strength, and that's where they struggle, so easier to shack up with a deadbeat instead, never mind the consequences.

userxx · 04/04/2023 21:51

Mimilamore · 04/04/2023 21:43

That man was no step father to that poor little girl and should not be referred to as one. You have to earn that title. He was a chancer, a cock lodger looking for a weak and needy woman to give him a roof.... poor little mite, how scared must she have been 😭

Yeah, that made me bubble with rage, he killed her after being in her life for 4 months, he was not a step father, he was a monster.

jays · 04/04/2023 21:51

chevvyroo · 04/04/2023 19:14

Depraved?

Yeah, clearly that’s what OP meant … must you? Honesty? That’s your big contribution to this? Ffs! Grim.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 04/04/2023 21:53

Society is falling apart and one of the main problems is the breakdown of the nuclear family. Far too many people think that having a baby is something you do with people you are not in solid committed relationships with.

The ' old fashioned' concept of meeting someone, getting to know them for a few years and then getting garried and THEN having a baby seems to be fading in importance with people but it was there for a reason!
Both parents commited to each other and to their child.
There is no reason for anyone to be pregnant if they don't want to be these days.

We seem to be in a position where nen can go around impregnating women and just walking away. So many men seem to have no pride in the concept of looking after their family , of providing for them and of being a role model.

And we end up with horrendous shit dhows like this. It's so so distressing andxas a society ee need to change our values and morality.

That poor poor child.

GirlOfTudor · 04/04/2023 21:55

Good god, there are no words.
I want to go give my child extra cuddles tonight 😭😭

Comii9 · 04/04/2023 21:55

MeinKraft · 04/04/2023 19:29

YANBU. When my parents divorced my mum moved in an abusive partner. I don't blame her - she was vulnerable and did get rid of him in the end. But I learned a lesson from that. If my kids dad and I ever split I would be single forever rather than move a man into a home with my children.

It's one extreme to another it seems.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/04/2023 21:56

It says 17% of serious abuse is by stepdads and 2% by bio dads.

It's also a limited study of fewer than 1000 respondents from one sole area in the States. I don't think that small a sample bears the extrapolated weight ascribed to it, but would be interested in a broader analysis.

Fifi1010 · 04/04/2023 21:59

SwimmingAgainstTheTides · 04/04/2023 21:50

Bottom line is a lot of women can't manage without a man in their lives. Simple as that
You can tell from all the claptrap on the response posts where the OP is seeking approval for introducing kids to new partner.
"You deserve to be happy, You deserve a life, etc etc. Patronising, damaging bullshit like that's the only way to live. Most women are totally blind and ignorant to the fact it is possible to live a happy way of life single, but it also takes a lot of courage and emotionally strength, and that's where they struggle, so easier to shack up with a deadbeat instead, never mind the consequences.

Men do this as well plenty of evil girlfriends about who abuse the step children or treat them as an inconvenience . The problem is parents prioritising their genitals over their kids.

Hubblebubble · 04/04/2023 22:00

@MeinKraft why is that an extreme? To decide to give dating an extended break to protect your child/ren? There's more to life than the pursuit of dick

Hubblebubble · 04/04/2023 22:01

@MeinKraft sorry! That was meant for @Comii9

Nigvor · 04/04/2023 22:01

Surely the person who is responsible for this is the guy who killed the baby?

Cirque1 · 04/04/2023 22:01

Highlyflavouredgravy · 04/04/2023 21:53

Society is falling apart and one of the main problems is the breakdown of the nuclear family. Far too many people think that having a baby is something you do with people you are not in solid committed relationships with.

The ' old fashioned' concept of meeting someone, getting to know them for a few years and then getting garried and THEN having a baby seems to be fading in importance with people but it was there for a reason!
Both parents commited to each other and to their child.
There is no reason for anyone to be pregnant if they don't want to be these days.

We seem to be in a position where nen can go around impregnating women and just walking away. So many men seem to have no pride in the concept of looking after their family , of providing for them and of being a role model.

And we end up with horrendous shit dhows like this. It's so so distressing andxas a society ee need to change our values and morality.

That poor poor child.

Well, it depends entirely on how old you are if you have time to get to know someone for a few years before you get married and have a baby.

2023forme · 04/04/2023 22:01

housemaus · 04/04/2023 20:00

Thing is - everyone in this thread is going to agree this is a fucking stupid and dangerous thing to do. 99.9% of people you could ask on the street would agree it was a stupid and dangerous thing to do.

The 0.01% of people who do things like this do them because they don't have good judgement making skills, to a literally fatal extent in this case. That's not normal stupidity, or depravity, or whatever. That's someone who has had a horrendous upbringing of their own with high number of ACEs, or is severely mentally unwell, or has an addiction issue, or are extremely poorly educated with neglect levels of experience in real life, or have a learning disability that precludes them from a typical level of judgement, or a host of other things. Or, indeed, a combination of these factors.

People don't make choices like this in a vacuum - we can't go, "Well they're a fucking terrible person" and call it a day. People who make such staggeringly poor life choices are doing so because of one or multiple contributing issues that make them unable to make good, rational choices.

I'm not for a single second exonerating the mother of this poor, poor kid. But it's just not as simple as 'she's a bad person'. 'Normal' people don't make decisions like this.

@housemaus I agree. When things like this happen, there is (quite rightly) outrage on behalf of the child. But say a child like in this case is abused all through their early life then gets older and starts having DC of her own and repeats the cycle - she goes from being the poor child everyone feels sorry for to being the absolute scum of the earth.

Sadly not everyone is equipped with skills/confidence/ability to “do the right thing” for their DC. It’s tragic and it will happen again.

Skinnydogz · 04/04/2023 22:02

I stg nearly every case of this nature the mother just lets it happen, how can they watch it go on it's tragic. She's as guilty as he is I can't believe she moved some complete random into her house what was she thinking

Comii9 · 04/04/2023 22:02

AgnesX · 04/04/2023 19:30

An academic some years ago got fired for making a comment along the lines of there should be contraception in the water supply.

Sometimes I think he had a point.

Yes and kids to all different men. Unpopular opinion I know I will get flamed.

NotMeekNotObedient · 04/04/2023 22:03

Gosh this one really brought tears to my eyes. Wish I hadnt read the details. And some of the comments on this thread about those of you who suffered abuse - I'm so sorry that happened to you.

That poor little girl.

It sounds like the mother has been abused but I can't can't begun to stand up for her, who let's this happen to their baby?

KettrickenSmiled · 04/04/2023 22:03

Society is falling apart and one of the main problems is the breakdown of the nuclear family. Far too many people think that having a baby is something you do with people you are not in solid committed relationships with.

The ' old fashioned' concept of meeting someone, getting to know them for a few years and then getting garried and THEN having a baby seems to be fading in importance with people but it was there for a reason!

You can't lay society's ills at the feet of changing perspectives to marriage.
All that used to happen is the domestic abuse, by a partner one had known for years, was hushed up, under-reported, & women had no real recourse in law for domestic violence, let alone emotional abuse.

A man you have known for years is just as capable of behind-closed-doors abuse as any other man. I'm not convinced by the stats quoted upthread from the very small study claiming 2% bio vs: 17% step. I believe it's a factor, & I also think the rush to 'replace' a relationship by finding a partner/step-parent & moving them in asap is bad news when DC are involved.
But whether that is down to faster-moving & less committed relationships is moot: it is MEN committing these acts, whether they are long-term first marriage prospects, or new flings. Sure, some women unwisely invite new men into their DC's loves. But that's not the reason for violence: that is purely the man's choice & fault.

MrsRinaDecker · 04/04/2023 22:03

So, my story is I had my first child very young, it didn’t work out with her dad, and I ended up chasing after being a “proper” family. I had low self esteem, some mental health stuff going on, and was just blind to the red flags. It took a lot of therapy to change my trajectory and I’m very lucky I didn’t end up being one of these stories. The thing is, I’m not stupid, I had a normal ish middle class upbringing, but circumstances and choices in my teens sent me down a path that was very hard to come back from. I’m not excusing the mum here for a minute, or even my own past behaviour, but just giving some insight into how it might happen.
I’ve now been single and celibate for almost a decade.