to believe my husband is an abusive turd...

[BananaMush]

A bit of background. My husband and I have been together since 2006, married about a year and a half ago, have a 6mth old baby.

When we originally got together, it was a long distance relationship. I was studying and had a year left till I qualified. We planned for me to finish studying, then we would move closer together. When I had 6months left, he decided he couldn't do the distance thing and said I had to choose between him and my studies/a career. I chose him. I totally walked out on my life, including a lot of my friends and my family (who couldn't understand my decision) practically disowned me. My mum started talking to me again about a year ago.

I got a job, enjoyed it and was happy. A year into it, he convinced me it wasn't 'viable' for me to work. travel costs etc. He could earn enough for both of us. Basically said our relationship was over if I continued to work - we were engaged at the time. So I stopped and started working from home for his business. Paperwork, phonecalls etc.

There is so much more in the past and drama but we have been great for sooo long now. Until recently. I am beginning to feel very trapped and controlled. I feel like the way he talks to me is unacceptable. I think he knows it is but carries on.

He nags me constantly and critisises how I do things. Just some examples -

• I put the bowls away 'wrong' the other day from the dishwasher. Admittidly, I just shoved them in the cupboard randomly and all balancing precariously but I had a screaming 6mnth old.

• I don't clean enough. Apparantly the house is a tip

• He goes mad that I haven't done a piece of paperwork (when most of the time, I don't even know of said paperworks existence, as he doesn't tell me)

There are loads more, you get the idea. Now, I don't mind a wee tiff or him nagging a bit, I nag him too. What I object to and find draining is the way he goes about it.

For example, the 'bowl' episode. He quickly descended into shouting and swearing. Calling me 'stupid' and asking me to explain myself. When I try to respond, he interrupts me every time and accuses me of trying to wheedle my way out. He asks me 'what were you thinking', 'are you an idiot', 'what's wrong with you' etc etc.

If I try to answer, he talks over me, saying 'shut up stuid cow'etc. If I ignore him, he says I'm being childish and have an attitude problem and am playing games. I can't win....or even take part in his tirade. If I cry, he calls me a baby and immature. If I don't cry, he says I'm a grumpy bitch and will persist with insulting me till I do. I try sooo hard not to cry so as not to upset my little boy. I try to smile through it all so he doesn't pick it up. But I know he will.

The personal insults get worse as the weeks go on. Every little tiff escalates into him swearing at me. He says things like 'If you carry this on, you will know about it'....'I can assure you, it won't be me upset at the end of this'....'I'm really wondering about you just now'...'you are just like your mum' (he hates my mum and that is his fave line just now)...'you come from scum, what should I expect'. He hates my whole family, always putting them down, and keeps telling me I'm predestined to become a bitch as my family are scum. I lost my virginity at 16 to a bf I had been with for years. He knows this and says he hates me for it and I am disgusting and I have no morals.

Sorry, this is so disjointed. I'm just trying to give a picture.

When he has been like this, he normally apologises. Profusely. And says how good I am and that he doesn't deserve me. Sometimes these apologies come at night in bed when he thinks I'm not awake. Apologies used to work, now they just make me feel sick iyswim. I accept them in order to not continue the argument.

I'm living on edge at the moment. I shake when he starts. He is working today. I am writing this while my boy sleeps on my knee. But all I can think is how I must get the place spotless for when he gets home.

And make sure I don't waste too much electric...visit anyone etc. He says I love to assume the role of 'down trodden housewife'. I don't, do I??

When it's great, it's great. But it's not really making up for the bad times at the moment.

Sorry this is so long. I'm sad. I need to let it out. Do you think I'm over reacting? Is this normal marriage bickering? Please be gentle with me. I'm delicate just now.

Sounds good.
I hope that this pans out OK for you BM.
We're still here and will support you in future whatever happens (and by that I'm not implying that he'll treat you badly in future, I'm implying that you will still have support if he behaves badly and we won't sday we told you so).

BananaMush I hope it all works out for you. Stay firm and if at anytime in the future he starts behaving in a way that you're unsure how to take, then find yourself a quiet space, imagine talking to a friend who you really care about. Then imagine that friend telling you her partner has behaved like this and ask yourself if your friend deserves it. If the answer is no, then neither do you. Remember to love yourself like a best friend and don't accept any treatment for yourself that you wouldn't wish on that friend.

Best of luck.

Way to go Banana!!

Keep it up - stay firm and plain speaking.

I've been lurking on this thread. As you say the proof of the pudding and all that...So I would now be very up front with him about your plans eg the course you're doing next month. Are you in a position/would you want to start also looking for paid work again? Sounds like that would go some way to re-adressing the balance of power in the relationship.

I really wish you all the best.

Stay strong, do not falter or weaken. Keep this friend in the loop for support and stay in contact with mn. Good luck.

I agree with dittany.

His "turnaround" seems a bit too "easy", tbh.

And he is expecting you to police him.?? Why can't he police himself? He is a grown man...he should possess some impulse-control.

I wish you lots of luck, I have a horrid feeling you are going to need it x

Well done Banana. I am so glad you said you did not feel scared but felt empowered; you are taking back control over your own life.

But this is just the first step, the start. You need to keep on putting up boundaries that he should not cross and this can be draining and tiring. I know because I am in a similar situation with my DH. He continues to say and do things that I find unacceptable and I have to keep pulling him up on it. I see it like training or retraining a dog. And since this dog is 42 and has learnt some very bad habits, (from his mother - another story) retraining him is hard work and will take some time.

I just hope for both our sakes that we can teach an old dog new tricks.

I think a very astute move on your part was telling a friend and making sure he knows you have told her. People like this rely on you keeping quite and being too scared/ashamed to speak out/seek outside help. You telling your friend will have a big impact on him.

One more thing, and I hope you don't mind me saying this, is that it may be beneficial for you to also take some time to reflect upon yourself and ask why you were unable to set boundaries in your relationship from the beginning? Again this applies to me and although I am now putting very firm boundaries in place in my relationship with DH, I was simply unable to do this when we first got together. In my case the reasons for this were very complex, but essentially stemmed from my very low self esteem, self confidence and self respect due to my abusive childhood. This may not apply to you at all in which case ignore me, but I wanted to mention it just in case it did.

You know what OP, even if I try to see this guy in the BEST possible light- that is he is just a bit hot-tempered, a good person deep down, and would never actually hit you, I STILL think you should leave him.

A lot of women don't get hit, and indeed deep down their men may be fundamentally good, BUT the carping, constant need to be right and name-calling WILL wear you down so that you're a shell of your former self.

Men don't have to be out-and-out bastards to wear you down and utterly miserable.

Think this is why I'm a bit wary of "abuser" label.

He is a turd! He's chipping away at your confidence. You do not sound happy at all. He is controlling you. If you don't do something about it soon it will be forever. Would your mum would take you back? Get a restraining order, you don't have to put up with it. There are things you can do, he doesn't own you.

Thanks ladies - and thanks for the words of warning. Believe me, I am not naively thinking that this is it and he is suddenly the perfect man. Far from it. But I do love him and I'm willing to give this last chance.

I understand that this could very well be temporary, and if that is the case then I will leave.

I don't know why it has come to this or why I have let myself be treated this way. But I am going to get my confidence back. I'm determined.

I have chosen to continue working from home at the moment. I want to be home for my son. I have already organised some things though. I will be going on the breastfeeding course, attending baby group (previously haven't been as he didn't like the other mothers), and I have just booked an appointment at the hairdressers and text him to let him know when it is so he can look after ds.

Telling my friend was amazing. It stopped feeling like my dirty little secret and my husband is now aware that I will not suffer in silence. Or suffer at all should I say.

All the best x

You do sound very clear.

Now hang on to that clarity...and don't let him blur the edges.

I read this page and the first post and - wow - Banana, you sound so different. In the first, you were doubting yourself and in this last one, you sound very kick-ass. Keep feeling like this. Also, I'd say, perhaps consider whether what this man provides you with (in all respects) is enough. Just because he is not going to behave like an abusive arsehole doesn't mean things are right. An absence of the unacceptable doesn't make thinsg OK. You deserve to be happy, as does your DC. Think about what you want while you feel like this. Keep talking to your friend.

Power to you!

Sorry for typos. x

I hope you can regain your confidence but I fear that you are in a catch-22 situation.

You don't have the confidence to leave because of his behaviour, but you won't get the confidence as long as you're with him-owing to his carping and name-calling and other behaviours.

I think it's having faith when others say, "Your confidence WILL be low and you WILL be scared of what future holds when you initially leave but it will improve" and believing them.

Sorry, but I am being honest here. I still think you should go. Nevertheless, I do hope things turn out OK for you and perhaps your husband will change. Who knows?

As long as you remember that it is possible for you to leave if you must and that you're never going to feel great about leaving. That's all.

I think it's worth keeping a diary. Note any occasions when he crosses the line, calls you names, makes you feel bad. The times when he hasn't (yet) done anything but you can tell he's in a bad mood and you're on tenterhooks waiting for him to snap.

If he really has reformed, no harm done, right?

If not, it will help you to see your own life more clearly.

go to relate, once he has to explain this infront of a thrid person - the fact that he is a dickhead will occur to him and things might get better.

re; diary, keep an online blog. you can put the settings so no-one can view your blog. but its there in print on screen, you dont have to hide it under the matress or worry it will be found so easily.

Way to go Banana.

I also think a diary is a good idea, start the first page with the way you feel right now, and remember taht you have the right to feel like that every day. Everybody has bad days, but reading what you have just written should help you to remember that they don't all have to be bad.

I wish you the very best of luck.

I don't know - might it be prudent to also tell someone else you trust about what's happening - but don't tell your DH that you've told them - sort of back up in case he tries to 'work' on your friend that he does know about. It could just be me being paranoid - but it might be worth having insurance.

I don't think introspection is likely in someone who has been mistreating you for so long. I don't think Relate for the two of you together is a good idea at all.

Please listen to Dittany.

Doing the right thing is his responsibility and his alone.

Wheel of abuse. A gerbil wheel really, and I hope you're not on it. Or a roller coaster. It waxes and wanes, and yo may be in a honeymoon phase, but as you rightly said, it's his behaviour that matters from now on, and that's up to him. Not the odd nice word, but consistent good, respectful behaviour.

Saying he doesn't mean to be nasty and wanting you to keep him grounded means that you are now supposed to police his behaviour, so he retains the right not to take responsibility for himself, and may well continue to do things he 'doesn't mean'.

Custardo - I'm not sure Relate will be the best people to help - because I expect he would be resistant to relationship counselling (and let's face it most men probably would be even if they're not abusive and controlling) - but if he is forced to explain his behaviour to a third person, it is unlikely that he will be honest. He will in likelihood be manipulative, will possibly minimise his behaviours and deny that things have happened and it might even escalate things later. Perhaps a specialist counsellor would be safer - Women's Aid will have advice.